Fenster's Almost Final Toccata And Fugue

Normally when I write one of these brief updates I usually start with "Yes, I'm still alive" and then move on to other news. But what does one say when that is the news??

Yes...I'm still alive after being rushed to the hospital one week ago with an aneurysm in the artery to my spleen. Timing was apparently everything. An ER doctor with a hunch over-rode my admitting doctor and took over my case pronto. The minute they got me into the operating room and put the anesthetic mask on me, my blood pressure dropped to zero and they went in without a clue...

Needless to say it was a long day...and it's been a long week...but I wanted to let you all know...

I AM STILL ALIVE.

And I'll have lots to write on the subject once I'm 100% better.

Be seeing you.

Joel The Spleenless

Setting The Stage For The Future

Hey folks,

By the time you read this, X-Men will probably have made close to $60 million on its opening weekend.

I've never been a big fan of this comic book. When I was really into comics and reading lots of DC and Marvel books, this was never one of them. There were too many weird alien storylines and time travel paradoxes for me to even want to bother keeping track of who's who and what's what. I would occassionally read some of the one shots and mini-series based on the book...and those always seemed fun to me because they got right to the point.

And that's why this film works...it gets right to the point. It strips these comic creations of 40 years of baggage and gets right to their essance.

The most interesting bits always dealt with the coming battle between mutants and normal humans and the film plays on that at every turn. On one side is Professor Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) who is the Martin Luthor King, Jr. of the mutants. On the other side is Magneto (Ian McKellen) who is the Malcolm X willing to fight mankind "by any means necessary". Professor X has a school for gifted kids where mutants can go to hone their powers and not feel like outcasts. It is in this oddball place where Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), a mutant who doesn't remember his past) and Rogue (Anna Paquin), a teenager whose powers are just blossoming, find themselves after teaming up because all they have is each other.

Professor X seems to have three other mutants who are ready to help in his fight, Storm (Halle Berry), Jean Grey (Famke Jenssen) and Cyclops (James Marsden). They bring the team total to six member which is a lot less confusing than the who knows how many tended to appear in the book. And while some are missed (Beast and Nightcrawler) others make small cameos (Iceman and Kitty Pryde) setting up their status for a sequel.

The basic plot involves Magneto's attempts to use a machine that will turn world leaders into mutants so they will no longer fear them, but be part of them. And thankfully, this team actually works as a team (even while keeping the various egos and foot-stepping in place). Everyone seems to get their time on screen with the majority of the story belonging to Wolverine and Rogue (as they are the outsiders being brought in). There are no wasted moments and the film seems realistic. The creative team involved has treated their subject matter with the respect it deserves without resorting to rubber nipples and kevlar buttocks.

It's going to be interesting to see where these guys go for the next film (and there will be a next film) and it'll be even more interesting to see this on DVD as the director claims to have cut 45 minutes out to keep it short and sweet.

While DC Comics has had hits with their two big guns (Batman and Superman), they've let the creative steam run out and allowed Hollywood to run rampant over them. And no one else has really gotten off the ground properly.

Marvel Comics on the other hand, has had consistent bad luck in live action. Beyond a decent Doctor Strange TV movie and The Incredible Hulk TV series, everything has sucked big time. Last year's Blade started the reverse, but he's just a minor character. This film opens the doors for the rest of Marvel's big guns to make an appearance soon. Hopefully, next summer we'll get Fantastic Four, followed by Sam Raimi's Spider-Man at Christmas.

Now if only Artisan would do Captain America right, I'll be very happy.

More on these subjects later in the week.

Be seeing you.

Joel
Luthor 2000

May 23, 2000

Hey folks,

Because this is so long I’ve broken it up into a few parts. So you’ll be getting a few Fugues today.

Each RETURNING SHOW & FINAL WORDS entries have two numbers after it, the first is the number of seasons completed, the second is the total number of episodes to date....it's only for the fiction shows and realize that a season may have comprised as little as 4 episodes and as many as 34.

ABC is obviously playing things VERY safe with only 4 new shows being added and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire all over the place. If it fails, the mouse network is dead in the water.

RETURNING SHOWS

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Tuesdays & Wednesdays at 8pm/Thursdays & Sundays at 9pm.......look for more days if something tanks early) -- What can be said about this odd phenomenon? It's a fun show, but 4 nights a week, every week? I guess if Jeopardy and Wheel Of Fortune can remain popular out of prime time, this can stay popular in. At least all the other clones fell apart. I only watch this when nothing else is on.

Monday Night Football (Mondays - duh - at 9pm from September until December) -- What's to say? It's Football.

Dharma And Greg -- 3/71 (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- I'm slowly realizing that the sitcom is in danger of over staying it's welcome. This nutty little show is still quirky, but it just doesn't quite hold my attention as much anymore (especially since it's on opposite Angel). It can also now be accused of "jumping the shark" a term I love and have been hiding for a bit (in fact a bit longer than some might think), but that's another Fugue in a few days.

NYPD Blue -- 7/154 (Tuesdays at 10pm starting in January) -- When this show first started, I'd watch it religiously. Now I watch it every now and then and tend to pick up on the shows I miss when they air on FX. I've realized that syndication tends to drain the steam out of most shows (and mostly sitcoms), so perhaps jumping into syndication so soon after 100 episodes isn't such a great idea?

Once And Again -- 1/22 (Tuesdays at 10pm in September, then Mondays at 10pm in January) -- It's a good show that I couldn't get into and don't watch, but it deserves to remain.

Spin City -- 4/100 (Wednesdays at 9:30pm) -- Where do I begin?? When you have a great ensemble that's held together by a strong personality it becomes problematic to replace that personality. Replacing Michael J. Fox with Charlie Sheen is going to go down in the history of TV as one of the biggest blunders. No offense to Sheen (he's got his talents), but he's so wrong for holding things together here (Matthew Broderick would have been the perfect choice). And with Fox, we lose three other cast members (think Nikki, Janele, and James) and the on location shooting in New York (which was a comfort that the show was "outside" the system). I don't expect to be watching this beyond episode 3 next year.

Drew Carey Show -- 5/127 (Wednesdays at 9pm) -- Another sitcom whose interest is starting to dry up for me. It's the incessant reruns during the dinner hours. Why watch it in prime time, when I can watch it during dinner a year later?

Whose Line Is It Anyway -- (Thursdays at 8pm for an hour) always funny.....when there's nothing else on or shows are in reruns.

Primetime Live aka 20/20 Thursday -- (Thursdays at 10pm) Whatever

Two Guys And A Girl -- 3/59 (Fridays at 8pm) -- Everyone reading this newsletter already knows that this show, to me, represents everything that is wrong with the Television Industry today. The fact that it is still on the air only strengthens my point. You think it's bad now, wait until it hits syndication (at least we'll get to see David Ogden Stiers and the Pizza Place again).

Norm -- 2/30 (Fridays at 9pm) -- Norm MacDonald's a funny guy and this show suits him well with a great supporting cast. But Fridays??? Why not just cancel it and be done? If I'm home (and Now And Again doesn't wind up back in it's old slot by mid-season) I'll watch.

20/20 -- (Fridays at 10pm) -- Okay.

The Wonderful World Of Disney -- (Sundays at 7pm for two hours) Disney must die!

Practice -- 4/81 (Sundays at 10pm) -- While this show is still great, there are some spots to address. Lara Flynn Boyle needs to be removed. She's gotten shrill and annoying and her character distracts from the rest of the cast for no good reason (or make her a guest like Linda Hunt or Holland Taylor). All plot threads involving Joey Herrick (John Larroquette) need to be resolved. That was the more interesting aspect of the whole George Vogelman case and we have yet to see a resolution to it. Or did someone forget? At least the damn wedding is over and Bobby and Lindsay can get back to real work. Still remains on my schedule.

NEW SHOWS -- Show descriptions taken from the press releases

Geena (Tuesdays at 9:30pm) -- Academy Award-winning actress Geena Davis (" The Accidental Tourist," " Stuart Little," " Thelma and Louise") stars in a new comedy that follows the life of a single career woman who was living the glamorous, fast-paced life of a successful New Yorker, until she meets the man of her dreams -- a widower with two children -- and is thrust into the world of instant family and instant mom. To Teddie Cochran (Davis), breakfast was a cup of specialty coffee, take-out Chinese was her idea of dinner at home and her group of friends was her family. That was until she met Max (Peter Horton, " thirtysomething"). Now Teddie's family includes an emotional six-year-old girl, an unpredictable 16-year-old boy and a hostile housekeeper. Her car is a big boat of an SUV and peanut butter sandwiches have replaced martinis. As Teddie learns that being an instant mom is not going to be as easy as she thought, and that keeping a relationship sexy with two kids around is really not as easy as she hoped, she is determined to maintain her identity in the city. Her successful career as a party planner and close relationship with her girlfriends are still important to her. As Teddie's modern juggling act begins, she'll need her distinct brand of sarcastic humor and a lot more patience than she ever thought she'd have in order to help her balance it all. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC. Terri Minsky (" Sex and the City") and Nina Wass are executive producers. Also starring Mimi Rogers (" Austin Powers," " Lost in Space"), Cindy Lu and Wendy Makkena (" Sister Act").

JOEL'S TAKE: Well, with any other cast I'd say YUCK!, but I've always had a thing for Geena Davis and her comedic talent may make it a keeper. Although I gotta admit it sounds like every other goddamn piece of crap sitcom out there. She'll get the requisite 3 episode review period from me, but she's up against Angel on my schedule....so if she's any good, she'll get taped for a while until I get bored with that.

Gideon's Crossing (Wednesdays at 10pm) -- Acclaimed actor Andre Braugher (" Homicide: Life on the Street," " City of Angels") stars in this provocative new series from Academy Award-nominated writer Paul Attanasio (" Quiz Show," " Homicide: Life on the Street"). Ben Gideon (Braugher) is the voice of reason, empathy and wisdom in a world of medical chaos, bureaucracy and hypocrisy. He is a doctor we should all be so lucky to have. Highly skilled, on the cutting edge of technology and experimental medicine but possessing the gentlest and most inspirational of bedside manners, he is Disease's mortal enemy. Ben Gideon, it seems, could will his patients to wellness. He is compassionate, of course, but equally relentless and demanding -- of himself, of his students and of his patients. He will not give up in his quest for cures. His students love him, want to be him, but they also fear him just a little. He challenges his patients to examine their lives and to make changes if those lives don't have meaning. Ben Gideon treats the whole person, not just the illness. From Heel & Toe Films and Touchstone Television Productions, LLC. Paul Attanasio is executive producer. Katie Jacobs and Scott Brazil are co-executive producers. Also starring Ruben Blades, Rhona Mitra, Hamish Linklatter, Ravi Kapoor, Sophie Keller, Russell Hornsby, Jascha Washington, Meagan Gregory, Brian Wiltshire, Barry Miller, Eric Dane and Marianne Muellerleile

JOEL'S TAKE: Well, is Andre Braugher enough to keep this show afloat? I'll watch to see what it's REALLY about (as the above is very vague.....but it could be The Paper Chase in med school). It'll get the 3 episode critique from me, but it's gonna have to be incredible to lure me away from Law & Order.

People Who Fear People (Fridays at 8:30pm) -- An outrageous new comedy crazy enough to ask the question, " Are you being paranoid if everyone really is out to get you?" Bob (David Krumholtz, " The Santa Clause," " The Ice Storm") is a regular guy just trying to live an ordinary life. But for Bob and his friend, Max (Brad Raider), this is a particular challenge because of the unique perspective they have on the world -- that it's out to get them. Their friend, Claire (Paget Brewster), a pretty and down-to-earth therapist, is trying to convince them that they have nothing to fear, but this isn't easy in a world where there really ARE cameras in the traffic lights and bank machines, where your credit card company DOES know the last time you bought underwear, and your HMO knows all about that embarrassing itch. Bob's problems are exacerbated when he becomes convinced that his new next-door neighbor, Zack (Jon Cryer, " Pretty in Pink," " Superman III"), is spying on him. The catch is, Zack really is spying on Bob. From Paramount Television. Victor Fresco is executive producer. Also starring Larry Campbell.

JOEL'S TAKE: Of all the sitcoms this season, it sounds like it's got the most potential to actually be funny. And it's got a good "B List" cast with Jon Cryer and David Krumholtz). If I'm home on Fridays I'll watch.

Madigan Men (Fridays at 9:30pm) -- International film star Gabriel Byrne (" End of Days," " The Usual Suspects") comes to television in a new comedy from Golden Globe Award-winning writer Cindy Chupack (" Sex and the City"), which examines the lives of three generations of men making their way through the dating world. Byrne stars as Benjamin Madigan, a handsome, successful and charismatic architect in New York City. He is single, adorable and available and should be making out like a bandit with the ladies. But Benjamin is recently divorced, and after 20 years of being a dutiful husband and provider, he just hasn't got a clue about dating. He is a member of a rare breed of men -- the sexy man completely oblivious to his own sexiness. While his co-workers shove him into the dating world, he is full of the most rudimentary questions, like how soon to call a woman after she gives you her number. For the answers to these and many other questions, Ben can turn to his 16-year-old son, Luke (John Hensley), for whom juggling a series of girlfriends couldn't come more naturally. In addition, Ben's recently widowed father, Seamus (Roy Dotrice, TV's " Beauty and the Beast"), has just moved in. Seamus is ornery and speaks his mind, and with Luke's help, they might just be able to teach Benjamin a thing or two about dating and women in the 21st century. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC in association with ATG. Cindy Chupack is executive producer. Also starring Grant Shaud (" Murphy Brown").

JOEL'S TAKE: I also like Gabriel Byrne a lot, but again.....sitcom-wise this sounds like it's "been there, done that"......anyone remember Chicago Sons? Again, if I'm home on Fridays I'll watch.

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Joan Cusack Show -- Academy Award-nominated actress Joan Cusack (" In & Out," " Working Girl") and Academy Award and Emmy Award-winning executive producer James L. Brooks (" As Good as It Gets," " Jerry Maguire," " The Simpsons," " Terms of Endearment") join forces for a new romantic comedy about a single woman who has been looking for love, found it -- but doesn't know what to do with it. Ms. Cusack brings her offbeat sense of humor to the role of Gwen, a commitment-phobe who thinks, on the one hand, that nobody will ever love her and, on the other hand, that no one is good enough for her. So when her boyfriend, Jake (TBA), whom she adores, proposes, it is the single most anticipated moment of her life -- and her worst fear come true. From Gracie Films in association with Columbia TriStar Television. James L. Brooks and David Richardson are executive producers.

Leary -- Cutting-edge actor-comedian Denis Leary (" The Thomas Crown Affair," " The Ref") has joined forces with Emmy Award-winning writer Peter Tolan (" The Larry Sanders Show") to create a new comedy series about Mike McNeil (Leary), a jaded New York City cop whose toughest assignment is himself. He's a crass, cynical chain smoker struggling to balance a challenging personal life with a job that leaves him wondering on a daily basis if he is the last sane person in New York. His unconventional approach to his job makes him a great cop even on the most trying days. Luckily, he is fortunate enough to have a group of co-workers who tolerate his stubborn will and reluctantly enjoy his acerbic wit and disdain for authority. The only thing he can't figure out is why, if he's the only sane guy around, everyone's always looking at him like he's crazy. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC in association with DreamWorks Television. Peter Tolan, Denis Leary and Jim Serpico are executive producers. Also starring Richard Gant (" Godzilla"), Lenny Clarke, Adam Ferrara, Bill Nunn (" Kiss the Girls"), Diane Farr (" Loveline") and Jessica Hecht.

My Wife And Kids -- All Michael Kyle (Damon Wayans, " In Living Color") wants to know is ... what happened to his life? It wasn't all that long ago that he had life all figured out. He had married his high school sweetheart, had three beautiful kids, and while she stayed at home with the children, he went out and made a living. But somewhere along the line, things spun out of control. His stay-at-home bride became a stock market trailblazer. His only son idolizes gangster rap stars instead of him. His moody, adolescent daughter's two favorite hobbies are asking him for money and giving him grief; and his youngest daughter is growing up speaking Spanish as her first language, which is being taught to her by the family maid who loves the kids, but can't stand Michael. Michael is on a tragically funny quest for a " traditional" family. He's a not-so-modern man living in a very modern world. Perhaps after all of the chaos is over, he will realize that his dream of having a normal American family came true a long time ago. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC. Damon Wayans, Don Reo, David Himelfarb and Eric Gold are executive producers. Also starring Tisha Campbell-Martin (" Martin"), George Gore, Jazz Raycole (" Waiting to Exhale") and Parker McKenna Posey."

JOEL’S TAKE: ABC is banking on sitcoms to fill voids. There are no backup dramas. My guess is that those can be filled with Millionaire if something fails (or NYPD Blue can come back early). These backup shows have one thing going for them....talent. Dennis Leary, Joan Cusack and Damon Wayans deserve a shot at sitcom stardom, but, as with all of this season's comedies, they seem familiar.

FINAL WORDS

Boy Meets World -- after 7 seasons and 157 episodes this guilty pleasure of mine will be missed, but it's time had come (probably after 5 seasons). With this and CBS' dunder-headed cancelling of Now And Again, I can have my Friday nights back......not that I did anything with them anyway.

It's Like You Know... -- this show was mishandled by ABC from the get-go and I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. 2 seasons and 19 episodes aired to date (there may be some unaired episodes I'm unaware of.

Odd Man Out -- let's face it, the only thing this show had going for it was breasts.....and lots of them.....and in an attempt to capture a teen audience??? what gives? It lasted one season of 12 episodes (there may be some unaired ones I'm unaware of).

Oh Grow Up -- I kinda liked this show. It was funny, but not very different. Of course, I'd rather have this than Two Guys And A Girl any day. One season of 11 episodes is all we got (there may be some unaired ones I'm unaware of).

Snoops -- So not everything David E. Kelly touches turns to gold. It was a noble try for him to break out of his mold and do something fun. I enjoyed it while it lasted. One season of 10 episodes (again, there may be some unaired ones I'm unaware of).

Wasteland -- Kevin Williamson, of "Scream" and Dawson's Creek fame, couldn't cut it here. I blinked and missed it. One seasons, three episodes aired out of five made.

Wonderland -- Peter Berg left Chicago Hope to create this crap??? One season consisting of 2 episodes aired of 4 made.

20/20 Downtown -- good riddence. The fewer news magazines the better (maybe the news'll improve)

Making The Band -- that's what we need, Disney fronting more mediocre crap.

Sports Night -- Hopefully HBO will save this show (and maybe I'll start watching again on a more regular basis). I liked it, but couldn't get into it.....maybe it's my impatience, but I'll be sad it's gone. Good TV gets rarer and rarer. Two seasons for 44 episodes total. Come on HBO!

20/20 Wednesday -- who cares.

Hughleys -- it was cute, but now it's gone....to UPN.....2 seasons for 45 episodes

Then Came You -- how many shows get this epitaph.....it was cute, but it didn't have a chance......Again, I'd rather this remained than 2 Guys And A Girl. One season of 6 episodes aired of 9.

Talk To Me -- Another show that had potential, but died before you could even see it. 3 out of 5 episodes aired.

Sabrina The Teenaged Witch -- moving to the WB. Escaping one evil empire for another, perhaps?

Clerks The Cartoon – 1 season of 6 episodes hasn’t even aired yet, but ABC killed it before it had a chance. Had this aired in March when it was supposed to, I bet it would have gotten ratings to warrant returning as a mid season replacement. Check out the website (www.clerksthecartoon.com) for neat info and a couple of interesting downloads (like the cut scene from Episode 2 that contains the Flintstone’s List movie – a cross between The Flintstones and Schindler’s List – very funny)

JUST KIDDING – Here is a list of pilots the networks passed on. Titles only, you figure out whether they were sitcoms or dramas.

Clone High, USA
Elizabeth Street

Homecoming Queen

Never In My Wildest….

No Dinner, No Dessert

Untitled Ganz/Mandel Project

Untitled Baumbach Project

Wayne Brady Show

Wilder Days

The WB is also not rocking the boat much, but honestly they've got a good crop of hour longs to keep so why make drastic changes.

RETURNING SHOWS

7th Heaven -- 4/86 (Mondays at 8pm) -- I don't watch or care for this show, but it's nice to see that a "family" oriented show can have a good quality of writing and keep an audience.

Roswell -- 1/22 (Mondays at 9pm) -- One of two shows that I got very attatched to. It's nice to see that this one made it. The writing is smart, the acting is incredible, but the sci-fi plot tends to walk a thin line, but so far has managed to stay on the "right" side It's not for everyone. And with the show's new direction next season, it's only gonna have to be more careful. But this past year was almost perfect in the way the season played out (intros and setups with individual episodes moving slowly into a series of interlocking episodes so that by mid to late season, you had to watch every episode. This remains my show to watch here.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer -- 4/78 (Tuesdays at 8pm) -- Still a great, fun, witty, hip show (where else could two friends reconcile after a fight while rapelling down an elevator shaft to fight a horde of demons?). Joss Whedon does need to watch his arcing stories each season. While season 3's bit with the mayor worked, this season's bit with the Initiative seemed rushed and contrived at times. Let's see where he takes everyone for sophmore year of college. It remains on my schedule.

Angel -- 1/22 (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Buffy's spin-off took a whole season to really get good, but succeeded nicely. There's a nice group of supporting characters to help the main cast (we've got the skeptical female cop, the evil lawyer, the gang of vampire hunters and Cordelia's ghostly roommate). And Buffy and friends still lurk in the background. It's too bad Doyle had to die to get there. He's still missed, but we'll move on. It remains on my schedule.

Dawson's Creek -- 3/57 (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- Another show I don't watch, but the few episodes I have seen do show me that it's smartly written and has a talented cast.

Felicity -- 2/45 (Wednesdays at 9pm until mid-season when Jack & Jill takes over) -- Haven't see enough to comment. And perhaps the WBs treatment of the show (second season it lost it's plum timeslot only to return there by season's end.....and now it's only been picked up for 13 episodes) tells us where things might really be headed.

Jack And Jill -- 1/19 (Wednesdays at 9pm once Felicity has finished its run) -- Didn't see enough of this to comment. It's only been picked up for 13 episodes and will be sharing the timeslot with Felicity.

Charmed -- 2/44 (Thursdays at 9pm) -- I still like this show and it makes a nice companion to the rest of the WB sci-fi/horror lineup. Might wind up back on my schedule depending on what I do with NBC.

Sabrina The Teenaged Witch -- 4/100 (Fridays at 8pm) -- It was funny on ABC for 4 years. How will it work on the WB?? Hopefully they won't change it too much.

Popular -- 1/22 (Fridays at 9pm) -- Haven't seen enough to comment.

PJs -- 1/14 (Sundays at 7pm) -- Fox treated this funny show pretty badly. Hopefully it gets better treatment here.

Jamie Foxx Show -- 4/86 (Sundays at 7:30pm) -- While many people find Jamie Foxx funny, I don't. He's only back for 12 episodes this year though (perhaps to make room for his variety show as a mid-season replacement).

Steve Harvey Show -- 4/85 (Sundays at 8pm) -- It's survived into syndication, but I can't really say anything other than the one or two episodes I've seen were cute.

For Your Love --3/50 (Sundays at8:30pm) -- This show started on NBC before moving here (after a first season of 8 episodes). One man's trash is another man's gold.

NEW SHOWS

Gilmore Girls (Thursdays at 8pm) -- Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham), 32, has made her share of mistakes in life, but she's doing her best to see that her 16 year-old daughter Rory (Alexis Bledel) doesn't follow in her every footstep. Though they share a uniquely close mother-daughter relationship, sometimes they find their ideals can be far apart, making Gilmore Girls a humorous, heartfelt hour-long drama.

JOEL'S TAKE: Sounds like it'd make a better companion with 7th Heaven than Charmed.

Grosse Pointe (Fridays at 8:30pm) -- What do you get when one of TV's most successful producers takes a satirical look back at the very genre that made him famous? The answer: Grosse Pointe. Darren Star, the creator/producer of Sex in the City, Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210, has culled his years of experience in an hilarious look behind the scenes of one of TV's hottest hits: in this case, the fictitious primetime soap Grosse Pointe.

JOEL'S TAKE: This could be very funny. If I'm home Fridays, it's gonna be tough between this and People Who Fear People on ABC.

Hype -- In the spirit of Mad TV, SNL and In Living Color comes a new sketch comedy show that sets its sights on our popular culture and the never-ending media frenzy that feeds it. Combining the talents of a young, attractive and ethnically-diverse cast with some of television's funniest writers, Hype serves up fast-paced and fearless satire with a decidedly youthful slant.

JOEL'S TAKE: Everyone repeat after me "Variety, sketch comedy and anthologies don't work in Prime Time anymore!"

Nikki -- Executive producer Bruce Helford has created a new comedy imbued with the same honest, working-class sensibility that made his The Drew Carey Show an instant success, but with a sex appeal that only comes from The WB star Nikki Cox. Free-spirited Nikki (Nikki Cox, The Norm Show, Unhappily Ever After) has trained all her life to be a dancer and is anxious to start her career as a Las Vegas showgirl. Off-the-wall, unpredictable and yet down-to-earth, Nikki is a new kind of half-hour situation comedy.

JOEL'S TAKE: Is it just me, or is everyone else befuddled by the fact that Nikki Cox is married to Bobcat Goldthwait?

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Dead Last -- From the edgy writers of Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity comes a different comedy about the invisible world all around us-the one populated by the ephemeral denizens we call ghosts. With an attitude and tone all its own, Dead Last chronicles the misadventures of Vaughn, Jane, and Scott, a struggling rock band on the verge of being discovered when they make a discovery of their own-a cursed amulet that gives them the dubious talent of seeing the spirits that walk among us.

JOEL’S TAKE: It’s “Airheads” meets “The Sixth Sense”. It’s got wacky potential in my book. I’ll check it out.

Jamie Foxx Variety Show -- Actor, musician, singer, comedian. Jamie Foxx is a man of many talents. Since his star-making turn on In Living Color, Jamie has gone on to entertain audiences season after season on The Jamie Foxx Show and on the big screen in his critically acclaimed performance in Any Given Sunday. Now, Jamie and The WB have teamed up again to create a variety show that will be even more accessible to viewers-and give Jamie a chance to cut loose. Prepare yourself for The Jamie Foxx Variety Show.

JOEL’S TAKE: See my comments about The Jamie Foxx Show and Hype

Oblongs -- Young cartoonist Angus Oblong has been described as the Charles Addams of the new century. His current series of dark and twisted tales in the guise of children's books, "Creepy Susie and 13 Other Tragic Tales," are just the foundation of his warped new empire. Together with Jace Richdale (The Simpsons) and Bruce Helford (The Drew Carey Show, Roseanne), Angus now brings his bizarre view of the world to television in the new animated series, The Oblongs.

JOEL’S TAKE: Animation’s getting stale, but it’s got potential based on the description.

FINAL WORDS

7th Heaven Beginnings – this rerun show of “classic” episodes was just filler and nothing more.

Movie Stars -- 2/13

Zoe... -- 2/21 – I caught this for an episode or two its first season when it was Zoe, Duncan, Clark & Jane (I think that was the title). Obviously cutting the cast by ¾ didn’t work.

Brutally Normal -- 1/5 of 7

D.C. -- 1/4

Mission Hill -- 1/2 of 4

Safe Harbor -- 1/10

There's really not much to say about any of the WBs cancelled shows. Their records speak volumes.

JUST KIDDING

Day One

Finally Home

Going To California

Haley Wagner: Star

Learning Curve

Nick

Sullivan Street

Wall To Wall Records

NBC finally seems to be pruning out the dead weight, but there's still a few slots that need help.

RETURNING SHOWS

Daddio --1/5 (Mondays at 8pm) -- Why??? Sure, I like Michael Chiklis, but what I saw of this made it as bland as Jesse, Veronica's Closet, Suddenly Susan, and any other blah sitcom NBC's aired in the last decade. Of course, it's still better than Two Guys And A Girl. Part of me thinks NBC chose this by “the hat method”. They put this along with…or let’s say Stark Raving Mad and Jesse in a hat and whichever got picked stayed.

Third Rock From The Sun -- 5/118 (Mondays at 8:30pm) -- Watch this show die a horrible death in yet another timeslot. I predict that the peacock will finally lose patience with the aliens and not save them from being destroyed on Monday nights by CBS and Fox. And it’s not even in a lead off slot anymore! Sheesh!

Third Watch -- 1/20 (Mondays at 10pm) -- Don't watch it, don't care.

Frasier -- 7/168 (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Regardless of what others think, I still find this to be the most consistently funny show on TV. It's lost it's plum spot and been bumped back to it's starting point. Maybe ratings will improve without a Millionaire to fend off. And now I’ve gotta get the VCR grinding again cause I’m not relinquishing Angel to this.

Dateline – (Tuesdays at 10pm/Fridays at 9pm/Sundays at 7pm) -- Blech!

West Wing -- 1/22 (Wednesdays at 9pm) -- I haven't been able to get into this show, but it's good from what I've seen. If I'm gonna find a new replacement for Wednesday nights between 9 and 10, this is gonna have to be it. I'll try again this summer.

Law And Order -- 10/230 (Wednesdays at 10pm) -- Amazing. Still going strong. What else is there to say?

Friends -- 6/145 (Thursdays at 8pm) – My real-life friends aren’t worth this much money! Just kidding….like the Mastercard commercials you guys are priceless (cough cough). I don't know if I still care about this show as much as I used to. Perhaps the salary negotiations soured me a bit. I've been thinking these friends might get dropped from my life by choice (funny how that sounds and reflects some real life incidents of the past year).

Will And Grace -- 2/46 (Thursdays at 9pm) -- I've seen this show a few times and it is funny. But here it all depends on whether or not I keep watching Thursday nights at all. If I do, it gets a spot.

Just Shoot Me -- 4/80 (Thursdays at 9:30pm) -- Of course, I'll be turning off the TV after Will & Grace even if I do watch NBC on Thursday nights. This show was best when David Spade was a background character. He spent too much time in the foreground for me and I dropped the show. It's a bit sad as I like the rest of the cast.

ER -- 6/136 (Thursdays at 10pm) -- I know it's a good show, but I picked Chicago Hope 6 seasons ago when both began and I've stuck with it ever since. With that gone, I just can't replace it with this.

Providence -- 2/40 (Fridays at 8pm) -- Don't watch it. It takes place in Rhode Island. My brother seems to think their license plates read “The Corrupt State”.

Law And Order: Special Victims Unit -- 1/22 (Fridays at 10pm) -- There wasn't enough Munch (Richard Belzer) to keep me watching for very long. I'm sure it's as good as it's companion show, so I may give it another chance.

NEW SHOWS

Deadline (Mondays at 9pm) -- Emmy Award-winning executive producers/creators Dick Wolf and Robert Palm (both from Law & Order” and “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”) enter the journalistic arena in this two-fisted drama starring Oliver Platt (“Bulworth,” “Dr. Dolittle”) as a crusading New York newspaper columnist and a Pulitzer Prize winner who lives his life in boldface type and makes headlines of his own with his rabble-rousing “Nothing But the Truth” byline. Thrice-divorced Wallace Benton (Platt) is not alone in his quest for journalistic veracity as he recruits the brightest students -- Beth (Christina Chang, “Random Hearts”) and Foster (Damon Gupton, “The Loretta Claiborne Story”) from his college teaching gig to assist him in turning over rocks and kicking down doors to uncover what many powerful special interests want to stay dead-and-buried. Lending grudging assistance to Benton’s windmill-tilting is an executive assistant D.A., Benton’s well-preserved mother and his young, long-suffering editor. Lili Taylor (“The Haunting,” “Mad About You”) also stars. “Deadline,” which is filmed on location in New York, is a Wolf Films Production in association with Studios USA Television. Michael Ritchie (“Fletch”) directs.

JOEL’S TAKE: While I like Oliver Platt, there doesn’t seem to be enough here to keep me watching past a 3 episode review period. Especially with Roswell on at the same time.

Michael Richards Show (Tuesdays at 8pm) -- Three-time Emmy Award winner Michael Richards returns to series television and teams with three former “Seinfeld” writer/producers in this inventive gumshoe comedy. Richards stars as an offbeat private investigator living in Los Angeles who gets the job done, however unconventional his methods. “Seinfeld’s” Spike Feresten, Gregg Kavet, Andy Robin and Richards are the writers and executive producers for Castle Rock Entertainment in association with Warner Bros. Television

JOEL’S TAKE: Have I ever told you how much I wanted Kramer to die on Seinfeld????

Tucker (Tuesdays at 8:30pm) -- Tucker Pierce (Eli Marienthal, “Unlikely Angel”) is one 14-year-old who puts the “diss” in dysfunction when he and his newly divorced mother Katie (Noelle Beck, “Central Park West”) start their new life at the worst possible time and place in this edgy, single-camera comedy. Already wracked by teen desires and insecurities, Tucker and his cash-poor mom reluctantly move in with her harpyish older sister Claire (Katey Sagal, “Married...with Children”), a prim perfectionist whose oversized and loutish 15-year-old son Leon (Nathan Lawrence, “A Different Kind of Christmas”) harasses his grossed-out cousin Tucker. The only ray of hope for Tucker beams from next door where the lissome McKenna (Alison Lohman, “Safe Harbor”) resides, a savvy classmate who alternatingly taunts, teases and inspires him. Also starring is Casey Sander (“Grace Under Fire”) as easygoing Uncle Jimmy. “Tucker” is from NBC Studios in association with Regency Television Productions. The executive producers/writers are Terri Hughes (“Idle Hands”) & Ron Milbauer (“Idle Hands”). Allan Arkush (“Ally McBeal”) directs.

JOEL’S TAKE: Sounds more like Malcolm’s Mediocre Middlebrow Morons.

DAG (Tuesdays at 9:30pm) -- Versatile David Alan Grier (“In Living Color”) and Delta Burke (“Designing Women”) star opposite each other in this playful White House comedy about a demoted Secret Service agent (Grier) who must guard the First Lady (Burke). Grier is Agent Daggett, who zigged when he should have zagged during a failed assassination attempt on the President (guest star David Rasche, “Sledgehammer!”). Grier is reassigned to protect the publicity-seeking First Lady Judith Whitman, her rebellious teenaged daughter Lenore (JoAnna Garcia, “Freaks and Geeks”) and bookish younger daughter Camilla (Sarah Hagan, “Freaks and Geeks”). But as Daggett plots a return to shielding the vacuous Prez, he discovers the First Lady’s public mask hides a wounded politician’s wife whose brood now views him as a surrogate father. Lauren Tom (“Friends”) plays Judith’s shifty social secretary. Stephen Dunham (“Oh Grow Up”), Mel Jackson (NBC’s “Little Richard”) and Hedy Burress (“Boston Common”) also star as fellow Secret Service agents. “DAG” is produced by NBC Studios and the executive producers are Eileen Conn, Andrew Gordon (both from “Just Shoot Me” and “Mad About You”) and Jack Burditt (“Just Shoot Me,” “Mad About You”). John Fortenberry (“Everybody Loves Raymond”) directs.

JOEL’S TAKE: I really like David Allen Grier, so maybe if I’m taping Frasier I can also tape this. And he’s got a great supporting cast, so we’ll see where it goes.

Steven Weber Show (Thursdays at 8:30pm) -- Steven Weber (“Wings”) returns to series television in this quirky comedy about a successful man whose fast-track life becomes slightly more complicated when a jilted blind date places a mysterious hex on him -- and suddenly, his future is forever star-crossed. Despite his dilemma, Chicago advertising executive Jack Nagle (Weber) finds a way to make it through a bachelor’s life that’s littered with laughable land mines. Also starring are Amy Pietz (“Caroline in the City”) as Jack’s simpatico ex-girlfriend, Chris Elliott (“There’s Something About Mary”) as his troublesome doctor buddy and Wendell Pierce (“Third Watch”) as Wendell, his affable co-worker. Mitchel Katlin and Nat Bernstein (both from “Ally McBeal,” “The Wonder Years”) serve as executive producers/writers. James Burrows (“Will & Grace,” “Friends”) directs this comedy from NBC Studios in association with Artists Television Group.

JOEL’S TAKE: Of all the sitcoms after DAG, this one shows the most promise. If I’m still watching NBC on Thursdays, this’ll be in there.

Titans (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- Glitz, power and turbulent family struggle grab center stage in this serial drama from producer Aaron Spelling (“Dynasty”). “Titans” centers on 26-year-old fighter pilot Chandler Williams (Casper Van Dien, “Starship Troopers”), a prodigal son who comes home to Beverly Hills and finds his filthy rich family torn apart. Keeping the turmoil boiling are his divorced parents, aviation entrepreneur Richard Williams (Perry King, “Melrose Place”) and club owner Gwen (Victoria Principal, “Dallas”), who have staked out their rival mansions across the street from each other. But adopted son Chandler’s reunion turns bittersweet when he meets his father’s young, deliciously wicked fiancée Heather (Yasmine Bleeth, “Baywatch”) -- the same woman who shared Chandler’s bed just two months earlier -- and resumes his competition with scheming brother Mason (John Barrowman, “Central Park West”), who resents the favorite son’s plan to take over the family business. Add to this zesty mix a set of beautiful sisters -- lovelorn alcoholic Jenny Williams (Elizabeth Bogush, “Beverly Hills, 90210”), and take-charge Laurie (Josie Davis, “Beverly Hills, 90210”) -- and the “dish” factor increases exponentially. “Titans” is from Spelling Television in association with NBC Studios. Executive producer/writer is Charles Pratt, Jr. (“Melrose Place”). Spelling and E. Duke Vincent are also executive producers. Priscilla Garita (“Sunset Beach”) and Jason Winston George (“Sunset Beach”) also star.

JOEL’S TAKE: YAWN!

Ed (Sundays at 8pm) -- From the writer/producers of “The Late Show with David Letterman” comes this story about the quirky life of New York attorney Ed Stevens (Tom Cavanagh, “Providence”), who moves back to his small Midwestern hometown of Stuckeyville after losing his job and dumping his cheating wife. Once there, he’s intent on pursuing romance with attractive teacher Carol Vessey (Julie Bowen, “ER”), the most popular girl in high school when they were classmates years before -- although she barely knew him -- and she’s now dating someone else. Nevertheless, Ed believes he has a chance with Carol, so he buys a bowling alley, begins a law practice there and moves in with his best friend Mike (Josh Randall, “Angel”), and Mike’s wife, Nancy (Jana Marie Hupp, “Brooklyn South”), who are new parents. Lesley Boone (“High Incident”) also stars as Molly, Carol’s best friend and co-worker at the school. “Ed” is produced by NBC Studios in association with Worldwide Pants and Viacom Productions. Written by co-executive producer Jon Beckerman (“Late Show with David Letterman”) and executive producer Rob Burnett (“Late Show with David Letterman”), the show is directed by Jim Frawley (“Ally McBeal”).

JOEL’S TAKE: Don’t know about this one. We’ll have to see where it goes, but my viewing time on Sundays is already taken up by shows THAT CAN’T BE BUDGED!

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Semper Fi -- Oscar-winning filmmaker Steven Spielberg, Jim Uhls (“The Fight Club”) and Michael Watkins (“The X-Files”) are the executive producers of this realistic depiction of a diverse young group of U.S. Marines during their tour of duty from boot camp to field action around the world. The raw recruits of Platoon 3015 hail from a variety of backgrounds but are united in their desire to make the code “honor, commitment and courage” their new way of life. They include: the privileged Cliff Truckee (Scott Bairstow, “Party of Five”) and Sharon Exler (Bianca Kajlich, “10 Things I Hate About You”), who sign up to find greater meaning in their sheltered lives; Keith Maddox (Vicellous Reon Shannon, “The Hurricane”), who seeks to escape his father’s criminal past; gritty Steve Russell (Steve Burton, “General Hospital”), who tries desperately to live up to the standards set by his fellow Marine father and brothers before him; and Douglas Cepeda (Michael Pena, “Felicity”), Maria Velez (Tammy Townsend, “Grown Ups”) and Alex Kosegin (Alex Burns), who resist the undertow of their poverty-filled background as they search for fresh challenges and adventure. The disparate grab-bag of strangers come together as they vow to remain “always faithful” -- to their country, the Corps and each other. Uhls is the writer and Watkins directed the pilot of this production from DreamWorks Television in association with NBC Studios.

JOEL’S TAKE: I’m surprised this didn’t make the actual fall schedule. It sounds interesting.

Go Fish -- Adam Herz, the creator of the hit film “American Pie,” serves up this coming-of-age comedy featuring meek high school freshman Andy “Fish” Troutner (Kieran Culkin, “The Cider House Rules”), who hopes to join the cool crowd as he enters high school. But the lovestruck Fish’s most difficult hurdle will be to catch the attention of the beautiful Jess Riley (Katherine Ellis, “Malcolm in the Middle”) -- who barely knows he exists. Trying to establish their own footholds in the high school hierarchy are his friends, heavy-set Henry Krakowski (Kyle Sabihy, “Analyze This”) and the blissfully oblivious Hazard (Taylor Handley, “Jack Frost”). Also populating Fish’s world at school are his older brother Pete (Will Friedle, “Boy Meets World”), a recent college grad who joins the teaching staff; the oddball drama teacher, Mr. Hopkins (Andy Dick, “NewsRadio”); and the attractive English teacher, Miss Eastwood (Kristin Lehman, “Dog Park”). Joe Flaherty (“Freaks and Geeks”) and Molly Cheek (“American Pie”) also star as Fish’s quirky parents. “Go Fish” is from Atusis Entertainment in association with Touchstone Television. Writer Herz and Nina Wass (“The Secret Lives of Men”) are executive producers.

JOEL’S TAKE: Sounds like it’s got some potential. Let’s see where it lands and when it lands.

News From The Edge -- What if all those supermarket tabloids are right and there really are monsters and aliens living among us? That’s what young, unemployed journalist Tucker Burns (Chad Willett, “Jack & Jill”) discovers in this drama series when he reluctantly hires on at the “World Chronicle” in New York and finds out that everything it prints is the truth -- and they’ve got the proof. Joining Tucker in his otherworldly investigations is sassy reporter (and former alien abductee) Grace Antonelli (Rena Sofer, “Melrose Place”) and tireless photographer Wes Freewald (Reno Wilson, “Sliders”) as the dedicated “Chronicle” staff seek out the truth behind the most fantastic and unbelievable headlines. Lending a hand -- and hoof -- are Tucker’s gruff editor Donald Stern (Jon Polito, “Homicide: Life on the Street”) and the “Chronicle’s” top researcher, Sal the Pig-Boy (Patrick Renna, “Recess”), a half-man, half-pig who works in the secret underground archives. “News from the Edge” is a production of the Greenblatt Janollari Studio in association with NBC Studios. Robert Greenblatt (“The Hughleys”), David Janollari (“The Hughleys”) and Gina Matthews (“Popular”) are the executive producers. Silvio Horta (“Urban Legend”) is the co-executive producer/writer and Mark Buckland (“Brutally Normal”) is the director.

JOEL’S TAKE: This X-Files meets Lou Grant clone could be interesting.

These Women -- From the acclaimed writers of “Ellen,” “Murphy Brown” and “Roseanne” comes this comedy about the relationship between three very different but tightly bound sisters whose life quests allow them to reunite in Los Angeles. Eldest sister Bess (Katherine LaNasa, “Schizopolis”) is married, pregnant and full of advice for her two younger sisters, Nora (Vicki Lewis, “NewsRadio”), a divorced documentary filmmaker, and Annie (A.J. Langer, “It’s like, you know…”), who still struggles to find her identity. Their mother Honey (Connie Stevens, “The Sex Symbol”) is a former beauty queen and New-Age philosopher happily married to their father (Peter Bonerz, “The Bob Newhart Show”). David Alan Basche (“Oh Grow Up”) also stars as Steven, Bess’ understanding husband who feels outnumbered by the women in his life. “These Women” is a production of NBC Studios. Eileen Heisler and DeAnn Heline are the executive producers/writers. Pamela Fryman (“Just Shoot Me,” “Frasier”) is the director of the pilot.

JOEL’S TAKE: Been there, done that.

Kristin -- Tony Award winner Kristin Chenoweth (“You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown”) stars in this uptown comedy as a small-town girl who leaves her sheltered life in Oklahoma to pursue her dream of becoming a Broadway star. However, until then, Kristin (Chenoweth) reluctantly accepts a job working for a handsome but morally bankrupt real estate tycoon, Tommy Ballantine (Jon Tenney, “Get Real”) -- and sets out to reform him. Meanwhile, smooth-operator Tommy is convinced by his right-hand man Aldo (Larry Romano, “King of Queens”) that her upright values will upgrade his public image. Kristin gets a little help from her friends, such as her roommate Sloane (Marquita Terry, “Party of Five”), a sexy, successful model, and her spiritual adviser, Reverend Thornhill (Christopher Durang, “Lateline”). Mindy Sterling (“Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”) also stars as the dictatorial office manager. “Kristin” is produced by Markusfarms in association with Paramount Network Television. John Markus (“The Cosby Show”) and Earl Pomerantz (“Lateline”) are executive producers. Markus wrote the pilot and James Widdoes (“Frasier”) is the director.

JOEL’S TAKE: Talented cast of stage people do not make successful sitcoms, but I’d give it a chance depending on the time slot.

FINAL WORDS

Cold Feet -- 1/4 of 6 – Anyone remember this show?

Freaks And Geeks -- 1/12 of 18 -- A good show that got two raw deals from NBC

Stark Raving Mad -- 1/17 of 18 -- Hmmm....didn't this win a People's Choice Award for best new sitcom or something like that? Shows you what the people know. I liked it, but knew it wouldn't last. It didn't.

Profiler -- 4/82 – Liked it, but didn’t watch it often enough to matter.

Others -- 1/9 of ?? -- Not a bad addition to the Saturday "Thrill-ogy" (yuck what a word), but all things must come to an end.

Pretender -- 4/86 – Eh, no big loss.

Jesse -- 2/40 of ?? -- It began cute and then NBC meddled with it (the joke was her brother didn’t talk, but of course by the second season she didn’t have any family so it didn’t matter they had forced him to talk). Is anyone surprised?

Veronica's Closet -- 3/58 of 63 -- I still love the cast of this show. I just wish it were better.....or different. Now it’s just gone. Oh well.

Suddenly Susan -- 4/83 of ?? -- This should have gone with the actor who killed himself.

God, The Devil And Bob -- 1/4 -- All I remember now is "eh". Nothing great. No loss.

Battery Park -- 1/4 of 5 -- Did I even see this?

Mike O'Malley Show -- 1/2 -- Only two episodes aired and yet he's on a new show. Amazing ain't it. It only proves it's not what you know, it's who you blow.

Twenty One -- Good riddence.

World's Most Amazing Videos -- obviously not that amazing. But look for NBC to resurrect this faster than Lazarus if anything starts to falter.

JUST KIDDING

Dog Years – yes, it was about talking dogs

Fortunate Son

Good Guys/Bad Guys

Hollywood P.I.

Just Married

L.A. Sheriff’s Homocide

Neurotic Tendencies

Peter Principle

Sherman’s March

S--- Happens

Silent Witness

Thing About Family

This Life

Those Who Can’t

The Tiffany Network (CBS) seems to be trying to hold it’s own by pandering to everyone without any real strategy. The same network that carries Diagnosis Murder has Walker Texas Ranger. I’m sure these shows have audiences that are miles apart.

RETURNING SHOWS

King Of Queens -- 2/49 (Mondays at 8pm) – I don’t catch it very often, but it’s a funny show. Does anyone else remember that the wife had a sister that also moved in with them in the pilot??? I guess she moved in with Roger Cunningham.

Everybody Loves Raymond -- 4/99 (Mondays at 9pm) – See the above entry, without the sister comment.

JAG -- 5/109 (1st 22 on NBC/Tuesdays at 8pm) – my grandfather made me watch this with him a few times recently. It’s not that bad.

60 Minutes II – (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Oh lookie here…..another damn news magazine.

Judging Amy -- 1/22 (Tuesdays at 10pm) – I don’t even remember watching this at all even to review it.

Becker -- 2/44 (Mondays at 9:30pm) – see the entries for the other Monday shows.

Diagnosis Murder -- 7/162 (Thursdays at 10pm) – Not only is it nice to see that Dick Van Dyke’s still alive, but that he’s working so much. Now he just needs to get his son off the show (I hate nepotism).

Family Law -- 1/22 (Mondays at 10pm) – Good cast, decent show, don’t care.

48 Hours – (Thursdays at 8pm) – Yawn!

Nash Brdiges -- 5/99 (Fridays at 10pm) – I only watched this because it had Now And Again as a lead in. If that were still the case, I’d continue watching. But it’s no big loss for me. The show’s okay.

Walker Texas Ranger -- 8/179 (Saturdays at 9pm) – Eight Seasons??? How the f&*k has this piece of s*&t lasted EIGHT seasons?

60 Minutes – (Sundays at 7pm) – the granddaddy of news magazines is still the best. But what happens when all these guys are dead in like two years??

Touched By An Angel -- 6/142 (Sundays at 8pm) – I don’t think I’ve ever watched an episode of this.

City Of Angels -- 1/13 (Thursdays at 9pm) – I didn’t catch this at all and now that it got renewed at the last minute, thereby negating Now And Again’s renewal, I will not watch this show unless Now And Again is returned to the airwaves. I don’t care how good it might be.

NEW SHOWS

Yes Dear (Mondays at 8:30pm) -- Meet Greg and Kim Warner, a young couple living in Los Angeles. He's an accountant; she's a stay-at-home mom for their one-year-old son, Sammy. Greg takes his role as provider, husband and father very seriously, but his most difficult job may be keeping his wife calm as they raise their son. It's not that she's a neurotic mother; she just likes to get up every hour to make sure her son is still breathing. Kim's older sister, Christine, and her husband, Jimmy, are a bit more relaxed when it comes to raising their two children. While Kim spends all day making organic baby food, Christine's idea of a balanced meal is making sure her kids get a side of fries with their fast-food burgers. Meanwhile, Jimmy can't understand why Greg wants to take the kids to play at the park when they can have just as much fun at the local casino. They may be family, but these odd couples have very different ideas about love, marriage and raising children. Starring Anthony Clark as Greg Warner, Jean Louisa Kelly as Kim Warner, Liza Snyder as Christine Hughes, and Mike O'Malley as Jimmy Hughes.

JOEL’S TAKE: Mike O’Malley in a new sitcom. Can’t CBS learn from NBC’s stupidity?? Of is there something about this guy we don’t know yet (after all, his last sitcom ran a whole TWO episodes).

District (Saturdays at 10pm) -- Jack Mannion (Craig T. Nelson) is the new police commissioner of Washington, D.C., brought in to overhaul an antiquated system ill-equipped to deal with the problems of a sprawling, crime-ridden city. As much a friend to ordinary citizens as to high-ranking politicians, Mannion has quite a task ahead of him. He immediately selects the most promising officers around him to become his circle of aides. Mannion and this group of modern-day Untouchables set out to bring order to the District and to clamp down on the crime in America's capital. Executive producers Terry George (In the Name of the Father, The Boxer), who also wrote and directed, and Denise Di Novi (Batman Returns, Message in a Bottle) give prime time its next big cop drama, inspired by the experiences of real-life D.C. hero Jack Maples. Starring Craig T. Nelson as Jack Mannion, Jayne Brook as Maryanne Antonio, Rocky Carroll as Adrian Spencer, Justin Theroux as Steve Miller, Roger Aaron Brown as Noland, and Lynne Thigpen as Ella Farmer.

JOEL’S TAKE: Could be interesting, but nothing to really grab mine here.

Bette Show (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- It's not easy being divine. Bette Midler may perform for sellout crowds and adoring fans, but that doesn't stop her small-screen husband from falling asleep as soon as they get into bed. She may have been nominated for two Academy Awards, but her teenage television daughter is still embarrassed to be seen with her at the mall. And then there's the constant dieting, bingeing and dreaming of plastic surgery. So what's a diva to do? It's a tough life, but Bette loves every minute of it. And if she doesn't, don't worry—you'll hear all about it. Join the truly divine Bette Midler as she makes her network television series debut in a show about an incomparable superstar who happens to be none other than Bette Midler. Starring Bette Midler as Bette, Kevin Dunn as Roy, Lindsay Lohan as Rose, Kimiko Gelman as Amy, Joanna Gleason as Connie, and James Dreyfus as Oscar.

JOEL’S TAKE: I like Bette Midler, so she gets a shot with me. We’ll see how the show really is.

Fugitive (Fridays at 8pm) -- Last seen escaping fiery locomotives, leaping from waterfalls and battling a one-armed man atop a Chicago high-rise, The Fugitive is back. Updating the classic 1960s series with the thrills and high-tech style of the Oscar®-nominated smash movie, executive producers Arnold and Anne Kopelson and Roy Huggins (producer of the original Fugitive), writer John McNamara (Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) and director Mikael Saloman (Aftershock) bring back to television the now-classic tale of Dr. Richard Kimble (Tim Daly of Wings), an innocent man accused of murdering his wife. Adrift in a sea of strangers, Kimble is searching for the one-armed man who actually committed the crime and while eluding capture by Lt. Philip Gerard (Mykelti Williamson), who's always hot on his trail. From week to week, Kimble touches the many lives that his flight intersects as he travels from city to city and coast to coast in his quest for justice. These encounters are ended as suddenly as they began when the good doctor is forced to hop the next train out of town. Starring Tim Daly as Dr. Richard Kimble and Mykelti Williamson as Lt. Philip Gerard

JOEL’S TAKE: Hmmmmm, I’m a bit skeptical of yet another version of The Fugitive, but it does have a very cool cast (I really like both leads). This is going to be an expensive show, so we’ll see how long they keep it around.

Welcome To New York (Wednesdays at 8:30pm) --Weatherman Jim Gaffigan's not in Indiana anymore. When he worked the local news in Fort Wayne, life was good. He was the big fish, popular at work, even captain of the company softball team. But he's quickly learning that being the new "meteorologist" for AM New York is a whole new ball game. Jim's boss, Marsha Bickner (Emmy winner Christine Baranski in her highly anticipated return to CBS) is the high-strung—is there any other kind?—producer who hired him. But she can't remember whether Jim's from Minnesota or Indiana, and she doesn't much care, as long as she can change his wardrobe, fill in his thinning hair and get to work on his "corn-fed belly." Making matters worse, there's the security guard Jim already offended and the assistant he fired without even knowing it. And that's just within two hours of arriving at his new job! Maybe they just don't understand Jim's simple Midwestern sensibilities. Or maybe he has a lot to learn about life in the big city. Who knows? Join Christine Baranski and standup comedian Jim Gaffigan in this Midwest-vs.-midtown comedy about an innocent man making his way in a tough new town-with a corn-fed belly, to boot. Starring Christine Baranski as Marsha Bickner, Jim Gaffigan as Jim Gaffigan, Rocky Carroll as Adrian Spencer, Kimiko Gelman as Amy, Francis Guinan as Henry Yarbrough, and Mary Birdsong as Connie.

JOEL’S TAKE: I also like Christine Baranski, so she gets a shot also. But I guarantee if one of these Wednesday sitcoms goes down, they both go.

CSI (Fridays at 9pm) -- If yours is ever a dead body lying in a pool of mystery, you'll want the C.S.I. on your case. This is the team of investigators who, after a single glance at a corpse, notice that one of its shoes is tied differently from the other, which turns out to be the key to finding the killer; who find as much detail in the blood splattered on the wall as they do in the smudged fingerprints on the knife handle; who deduce that the bystander near the scene of the crime was no bystander at all. Get caught up in the world of the Crime Scene Investigators of Las Vegas, an eclectic ensemble of forensic heroes who work day and night, in the penthouse suites of glamorous hotels and in seedy back alleys far from the lights, solving crimes in ways that no other cops could. William Petersen (To Live and Die in L.A.) comes to series television as the star of this exciting hour from megaproducer Jerry Bruckheimer (Con Air, Armageddon). Emmy winner Marg Helgenberger costars. Starring William Petersen as Gil Grissom, Marg Helgenberger as Catherine Willows, Gary Dourdan as Warrick Brown, George Eads as Nick Stokes, Chandra West as Holly Gribbs, and Paul Guilfoyle as Captain Jim Brass.

JOEL’S TAKE: Jerry Bruckheimer does TV. While I like the leads, I suspect we should expect Las Vegas to be blown up and destroyed (like in “Con Air”) week after week. Check your attention span and your suspension of disbelief at the door and don’t expect them back.

That's Life (Saturdays at 8pm) -- Lydia Savage (Heather Paige Kent) is a thirtysomething woman from New Jersey who has abruptly ended her engagement to a guy whose greatest excitement about their upcoming nuptials was over the microwave he'd hoped to score at her bridal shower. To the usual befuddlement of her blue-collar family and friends, she decides to enroll at Montclair University, a prestigious school on the other side of the tracks, populated by kids who act as if they're on top of the world that they own anyway. Now she's a true fish out of water, swimming with students often book-smarter than she is, but it won't be long before they realize how much they (and even some of her professors) will be learning from her. Part Working Girl and part Educating Rita, That's Life is an ensemble drama about the real people in the world that Lydia is only now beginning to learn about, the one that Felicity and Dawson and the rest of their angst-ridden friends only think they know. Debi Mazar, Kristin Bauer, Paul Sorvino and Kevin Dillon round out the cast, along with five-time Oscar® nominee and Best Actress Oscar winner Ellen Burstyn as Lydia's mother. Starring Heather Paige Kent as Lydia Savage Debi Mazar as Jackie Alabanza Kristin Bauer as Candy Cooper Ellen Burstyn as Dolly Kevin Dillon as Paul.

JOEL’S TAKE: Good cast. Bad time slot. Mediocre sounding show.

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Look ma, no mid-season replacements announced. Wonder why?

FINAL WORDS

Now And Again -- 1/22 -- What can I say that would not be repeating myself? I'll have a much larger Fugue on this show in a few days. I'm still sorting out some things, but I'm gonna examine this show from an "executive" standpoint and explain why it shouldn't have been cancelled (and why CBS apparently jerked the producers around until the last minute with things). And for the first time in my life I’ve jumped on a letter writing campaign to save this show. Someone suggested sending eggs to CBS (you’d know the significance if you saw the show) and it’s not a bad idea (especially since it’s got a two fold meaning). Meanwhile, if the Eyeball Network does rerun this during the summer at all, you must watch every episode under penalty of death from me J

Chicago Hope -- 6/141 -- It had a decent run. I just wish it had gone out with a bigger bang like a showdown between Mandy Patinkin and James Garner. I’d have paid good money for that fight.

Martial Law -- 2/44 -- What do I know. Two years ago I was part of a research group for CBS shows. This was one and I thought it was silly fun, but wouldn't make it. Do I even remember the other shows shown? Of course I do. But I bet none of you would.

Ladies Man -- 1/21 -- It was funny, but not a big loss. Rumor places it as returning mid-season anyway.

Early Edition -- 4/87 -- Never watched it. Or at least don’t remember the episodes I may have seen. It had a good run.

Cosby -- 4/95 -- At least we got to see Madeline Kahn every week for almost four full seasons. And Cosby himself still knows how to be funny when he wants.

Grapevine -- 1/5 (1992 Version 1/6) – this “remake” didn’t work back in 1992, what made them think it would work now?

Work With Me -- 1/4 of 5 – oops……missed it….but I like Nancy Travis and Kevin Pollack, so they need a shot at good stuff.

Candid Camera – Ding Dong the Witch is dead!

Winning Lines – one less prime time game show is a good thing.

Love And Money -- 1/4 of 5 – oops….I blinked.

Falcone -- 1/9 – I taped this whole series with the intention of watching all nine in one sitting. It got bad reviews. I erased the tapes. They’re doing a second run this summer, perhaps I’ll try again.

Kids Say The Darndest Things – this’ll be back when something tanks on CBS. Guaranteed.

JUST KIDDING

Cold Shoulder

Four Play

Further Adventures

Good As Gold

It’s About This Guy

My Family/Mi Familia

Mysteries Of 71^st Street

New Ellen Show

Untitled Katz Project

Fox has no real reason to change gears. They easily put together what has to be a great schedule based on strong returning shows and interesting new ones.

RETURNING SHOWS

Ally McBeal – 3/70 (Mondays at 9pm) – This funny show from David Kelley returns for a strong fourth season. I watch it on occasion and will continue to do so.

That 70’s Show – 2/51 (Tuesdays at 8pm) – This wonderful comedy may run into shome problems in a season or two. The first season ended in May of 1977, so if we assume a season per year then the beginning of the fourth season will take place in 1980. Will there be a title change? Of course this year’s season finale claimed the show was still taking place in 1977. Did we have two of these years? Did I miss something? Anyway, it’s obvious that the VCR will be grinding for sitcoms on Tuesdays or I’ll be taping the WB depends on the week and my mood.

Titus -- 1/13 (Tuesdays at 8:30pm) – This midseason replacement from this past season made the perfect companion for That 70’s Show. Fox could have a good comedy 2 hour block if they were to pair these with Malcolm and Don’t Ask. And Stacey Keach does deserve an Emmy Nomination as Poppa Titus, he’s Archie Bunker….without the love….and he plays it to the hilt.

Cops – (Saturdays at 8pm) – Hey! I know that guy! He lives next door!

America’s Most Wanted -- (Saturdays at 9pm) – Hey! I know that guy! He lives next door!

Futurama – 2/29 (Sundays at 7pm) – This show may eventually surpass The Simpsons as my favorite animated show of all time. I was a bit worried that this year’s season finale would just be a rip-off of The Simpsons Halloween Specials, but the three short “what if” segments were hysterical. We got to see what if Bender were 500 feet tall (he’d wind up battling a 500 foot tall Dr. Zoidberg), what if Leela were more impulsive (she’d wear boots with a stripe and have a murderous streak) and what if Frye never came to the future (the universe would implode with the help of Al Gore and his Action Pack – Stephen Hawking, Nichelle Nicols, Gary Gygax and Deep Blue, the chess playing computer). I just hope it doesn’t get too pre-empted by Football this coming season.

King Of The Hill – 4/82 (Sundays at 7:30) – Unlike most animated shows, this one actually has changes for the characters as if they were real people. It’s a nice change of pace for this oddball comedy.

The Simpsons – 11/245 (Sundays at 8pm) – What can I say beyond “Woo Hoo! They’re gonna be coming out on DVD!” And, just so there’s no confusion, Springfield isn’t in Kentucky. That’s where the actors playing the Simpsons moved to.

Malcolm In The Middle – 1/13 (Sundays at 8:30pm) – This is a truly funny and “original” sitcom (well, it’s new and different from the rest of the crap). I’d rather see it paired with some other live shows and see an animated show (like the now defunct Family Guy) follow The Simpsons. And for the record, guest star Bea Arthur deserves an Emmy for her un-advertised appearance (at least I didn’t know about it) as the babysitter. Now about that cliffhanger…….

X-Files – 7/161 (Sundays at 9pm) – There was some question as to whether this would be back again, so 2 endings were filmed for the finale just in case. Like all Sci-Fi shows of late (well….at least Star Trek), this one had to come full circle and go back to the beginning. It’s getting a bit tired, but was done well here. I’m sure the “other” ending (had this been a series finale) will appear on DVD. But in the meantime, we’re left with an abducted Mulder (to easier explain why Duchovny will only be in half the season, if that much) and a pregnant Scully (let’s not even go there) and a dead Smoking Man (or is he??? He may have survived his push down the stairs by Krychek). Well, at least it’s back again. What I’m really hoping for is more fun episodes and less crappy conspiracy ones. And who else thinks that Scully’s new partner should be Skinner instead of a new character?

NEW SHOWS

Don’t Ask (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- John Goodman (Roseanne) returns to network television in this family comedy about two college best friends--now single fathers--who share a suburban house with their teenagers. From the creators of That ’70s Show and 3rd Rock From the Sun.

JOEL’S TAKE: I have always been a big fan of John Goodman’s, so this is a must see for me. Unfortunately, it’s up against Bette Midler (whom I also like).

Schimmel (Wednesdays at 8:30pm) -- Stand-up Comic of the Year-winner Robert Schimmel teams with Emmy Award-winning writer/executive producer Mike Scully (The Simpsons) to create this outrageous and irreverent take on family life. As the father of two teen-age daughters, Schimmel says and does things we wish we had, and things we never would’ve thought of in the first place!

JOEL’S TAKE: Robert Schimmel is very funny, but very X rated in his stand up. It’s gonna lose something here, but maybe it’ll still be worthwhile. As we go to press, this show has been moved to mid-season status. Don’t Ask will be taking the 8:30 slot and reruns of Malcolm and Titus will play in the lead off slot.

Boston Public (Mondays at 8pm) -- He reinvented legal drama with Ally McBeal and The Practice. Now multi-Emmy, Golden Globe and Peabody Award-winner David E. Kelley tackles high school. The flipside of the teen drama, Boston Public explores the personal and professional lives of a group of Boston educators and features Kelley’s trademark blend of drama and comedy.

JOEL’S TAKE: A show I’m very much looking forward to. It’s got Fyvush Finkle, could one ask for more?

Dark Angel (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Academy Award-winning Titanic director James Cameron teams with Emmy Award-winning writer Charles Eglee (Murder One) to create this futuristic, sci-fi adventure series set in post-apocalyptic America.

JOEL’S TAKE: Hmmmm…..Cameron may finally have his first dud on his hands. Why is there no real description of the show?

Fearsum (Fridays at 8pm) -- This sci-fi drama combines the interactivity of the Internet with the power of television to spin tales of the unexpected, and often unexplained. Both a television drama and an online series, Fearsum follows a young Web master whose paranormal Web site leads him to his long-deceased twin, who may be very much alive!

JOEL’S TAKE: This is from the team that brought us “The Blair Witch Project”, so there may be some creepy stuff, but there may also be a lot of frustration involved. The promo during the season finale of The X-Files was really cool. It looks like the talented Ethan Embry stars (he was in Can’t Hardly Wait).

Night Visions (Fridays at 9pm) -- In the eerie style of The Twilight Zone, this gripping anthology series creeps from horror to psychological drama to supernatural adventure, never letting up until the final bizarre plot twist. Each vignette plays upon basic human fears, but will linger in memory long after the credits roll.

JOEL’S TAKE: Once again “Antholgies don’t work on TV anymore”. But I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and check it out.

The $treet (Wednesdays at 9pm) -- Darren Star, creator of Sex and the City, Melrose Place and Beverly Hills, 90210, steps out of the bedroom and onto Wall Street. A new generation of upstarts rules the roost at Balmont Stevens, Inc. However, this boys’ club shares space with some corporate-types and together they must navigate the world of high finance...and high-stakes living.

JOEL’S TAKE: Could be interesting…..we’ll see.

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Celebrity - Go behind the scenes with six individuals at different stages of their Hollywood careers. Join the former child star, the A-list actor and his ignored wife, the eager ingenue, the supermodel and the rock star as they clamor for Celebrity.

JOEL’S TAKE: Sounds like it could be interesting, but not enough to go on.

Grounded For Life -- When the Finnerty family gets together, the stories start unraveling...literally. Each week as they spin their tales, we watch a series of vignettes--complete with interruptions from various family members. This unique family comedy comes from producers of both 3rd Rock From the Sun and That 70s Show.

JOEL’S TAKE: Could be interesting (at least more interesting than most other sitcoms scheduled), but not enough to go on.

Killer App - Set at the Seattle-based start-up Spritecom, this drama explores the cutthroat world of new technologies and the creative minds that drive this highly competitive, billion-dollar industry. From Tom Fontana (Homicide), Barry Levinson (Homicide), writer-cartoonist Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury) and Allen Coulter (The Sopranos).

JOEL’S TAKE: Again, not enough to go on, but could be interesting given the creative team involved.

Live Girls -- Jenny McCarthy heads up a vibrant young cast in this lighthearted comedy about three twentysomething women tackling all of life’s little annoyances (men, work, men, rent, men)! Thankfully, they have each other to help formulate a game plan.

JOEL’S TAKE: Wasn’t this an NBC show about three years ago called Jenny??

Lone Gunmen -- This hugely popular trio of computer-hacking conspiracy freaks break free of The X-Files to spin off into their own series, the brainchild of X-Files creator Chris Carter. Frohike, Langly and Byers embark on a variety of adventures centering on corporate and government intrigue, conspiracy and deception. If only their social lives were so exciting!

JOEL’S TAKE: I guess if we had to have an X-Files spin-off, this is better than Skinner of the FBI.

Tick -- Created by Ben Edlund (creator of the comic book and animated series of the same name) and directed by Barry Sonnenfeld (Men in Black), The Tick brings the never-ending battle of good and evil to new heights of comedic chaos. Starring Patrick Warburton (Seinfeld) as The Tick.

JOEL’S TAKE: Both the cartoon and the comic book are hysterical. Can a live action version also work? Well, David Warburton is a good start. But not being able to use certain names from the comic and cartoon (like Die Fladermaus is now called Bat Manuel and American Maid is Liberty Woman) is gonna hurt.

Ultraviolet -- This one-hour drama is a compelling and visually arresting blend of science fiction and drama from former producers of The X-Files and My So-Called Life. It delves deep into a bizarre New York underworld where vampires are fighting a government agency. Can one NYPD cop rescue his partner before the vampires claim him as their own?

JOEL’S TAKE: Hmmm….sounds too much like Angel for my tastes. And two vampire series on TV at once is already pushing it.

Untitled Michael Crichton Project -- Mastermind writer/director/producer Michael Crichton brings his unique talents to FOX. Crichton’s novels have become legendary films (Twister, Jurassic Park, Rising Sun) and his producing talents helped bring television’s ER to life. With his proven abilities behind the scenes, Crichton’s original drama is sure to bring excitement and action to the FOX lineup.

JOEL’S TAKE: Okay, so it’s kinda obvious that Michael Crichton’s developing a show and beyond that tidbit no one knows what it’s about. Although since he’s so popular, an hour of watching this very tall man take a dump would probably be enough for some network executives. Let’s hope Fox gets a bit more for their money.

JUST KIDDING

Damaged Goods

Father Can’t Cope

Loveland

MK3

National Lampoon’s Family Vacation

Star Patrol

Third Coast

Untitled Jacobson Project

Untitled Pimental Project

UPN is….well it’s UPN does anyone really care?

All you need to know is that WWF Smackdown is on Thursdays and Star Trek: Voyager is still gonna be infesting our airwaves and destroying a once well handled franchise. Maybe the Borg’ll finally blow them up.

Well, that’s all folks. If you want more all I have to say is “Wasn’t it long enough today??”

Be seeing you

Joel

Professor of Murderology and Murderonomy

New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 8

welcome to hell

April showers brought Waylan Flowers and Madame out here on the East Coast (and no I'm not gonna explain that one.....). And so begins another mighty issue of the all-encompassing, all-knowing, all-bullshit Fountain. This month brings movie reviews a plenty (well...maybe just one or two), the return of the notable quotables (which we haven't seen in quite sometime), and a new feature entitled "How'd You Like That Cooked" (this will cover rumors and other crap cooked up on the internet about various movies).....but first let's talk about...

the boob tube

Now that the 1996-1997 TV season is over....let's look back (and ahead) and see what happened (and what's to come). We'll do this network by network...show by show....and start at the top of the heap with NBC.

The Peacock network dominated the year with their "Can't Avoid TV" promos which pushed their flailing and stupidly moronic knock-off comedies. Monday Nights' Mr. Rhodes and the transplanted from ABC Jeff Foxworthy Show brought yawns of a different kind to America. Tuesdays were bolstered by the returning (but starting to wane) Mad About You, the always funny Frasier, and the mildly amusing, but'll grow on you Caroline In The City. These show sandwiched the surprisingly engaging Something So Right - a 90's version of The Brady Bunch with mixed families. Naturally NBC didn't renew this winner for the 1997-1998 season. Wednesdays saw an early death for The John Larroquette Show and a near death experience for Newsradio. Surprisingly, Wings survived the odds and ended a nine year run and even more surprisingly Men Behaving Badly got renewed for a second season (they must have paid a SHITLOAD of money for this pathetic concept. Thursdays saw new shows Suddenly Susan, The Naked Truth (another ABC transplant), and Fired Up all do their part in bridging time between the juggernauts that's Friends, Seinfeld, and ER for those that don't know). Fridays highlight remained Homicide. Saturdays saw the "Thrillogy" of Dark Skies, The Pretender, and The Profiler. Two of the three were worth anything. Third Rock From The Sun and Boston Common held Sundays as best they could (Common even became funny with the addition of Roger Rees, but it was a day late and a dollar short). Mid-season replacements included the amusing Just Shoot Me and the not quite so amusing, but it won't kill us Chicago Sons. Oh yeah...The Single Guy floundered on a couple of different nights (with several new cast additions) and Dateline filled up every other available timeslot. (Yes...some of you are going "What about Law And Order?"...well it's still there...but I watch the reruns on A&E instead of the new ones on NBC....it's my drama version of Wings on USA).

Next season on NBC looks like this (new shows are in bold):

MONDAY is "Ladies Who Helped Thursday Night But Probably Can't Stand On Their Own": Suddenly Susan at 8/Fired Up at 8:30/Caroline In The City at 9/The Naked Truth at 9:30/Dateline at 10
TUESDAY is "The Best Night We Currently Got For At Least Two Hours": Mad About You at 8/Newsradio at 8:30/Frasier at 9/Just Shoot Me at 9:30/Dateline at 10
WEDNESDAY is "We Couldn't Think Of Anywhere Else To Put The Aliens Night": The Tony Danza Show at 8/Built To Last at 8:30/Third Rock From The Sun at 9/Working at 9:30/Law & Order at 10
THURSDAY is "MUST SEE TV OR ELSE WE'LL THROW OTHER CRAPPY SHIT FILLED SHOWS AT YOU": Friends at 8/Union Square at 8:30/Seinfeld at 9/Veronica's Closet at 9:30/ER at 10
FRIDAY is "Go Out And Do Something Instead Of Staying At Home Like A Couch Potato Night": Players at 8/Dateline at 9/Homicide at 10
SATURDAY is "Nowhere Man Connection Night": The Pretender at 8 (this show FELT like Nowhere Man)/Sleepwalkers at 9 (this show stars Bruce Greenwood...star of Nowhere Man)/The Profiler at 10 (this show was created by Larry Herzog...creator of...guess what)
SUNDAY is "Crap Night"; Dateline at 7/Men Behaving Badly at 8/Jenny at 8:30/NBC Sunday Night At The Movies at 9

I'm not going to do rundowns of the new shows. The one to catch is Sleepwalkers. The others are all shitty sitcoms with fading stars (Tony Danza, Kirstie Alley, Jenny McCarthy).

Over on the #2 network CBS there was a whole lotta nothing going on. Murphy Brown added Lily Tomlin and saw Garry Marshall and Paul Reubens return a few times to keep the show funny. Dave's World managed to hang on one more season before being put out of it's misery. The Nanny got more crass and more funny. Chicago Hope finally started to find its footing after another tumultuous season beginning. Two Cheers cast members returned to TV with one half of a former Hollywood couple (Ted Danson with Mary Steenburgen and Rhea Pearlman with Malcolm McDowell) and they both died long slow deaths. Cosby returned and for some reason Everybody Loves Raymond (thaaat's riiight....so do I though). Next Season looks like this:

MONDAY: Cosby at 8/Everybody Loves Raymond at 8:30/Cybill at 9/George & Leo (Bob Newhart returns) at 9:30/Brooklyn South (hey look Steven Bochco made a cop drama) at 10
TUESDAY: JAG at 8/Michael Hayes (David Caruso returns to TV after a long successful film career) at 9/Dellaventura (Danny Aiello falls onto TV after a long successful film career) at 10
WEDNESDAY: The Nanny at 8/Murphey Brown at 8:30/Bryant Gumble News Program (self explanatory) at 9/Chicago Hope at 10
THURSDAY: Promised Land at 8/Diagnosis Murder at 9/48 Hours at 10
FRIDAY is "We Stole ABC's TGIF Lineup Night": Family Matters at 8/Meego at 8:30 (Bronson Pinchot returns to TV...although I don't think he ever left)/The Gregory Hines Show at 9/Step By Step at 9:30/Nash Bridges at 10
SATURDAY: Dr. Quinn at 8/Early Edition at 9/Walker, Texas Ranger at 10
SUNDAY: 60 Minutes at 7/Touched By An Angel at 8/Movie at 9

ABC became #3 (or #4 if you ask FOX...but they're not a real network) and with good reason. Their hit shows started to suck, they still don't know quality and what to do with it, and you couldn't get them to change their ways if you held a gun to their head. Murder One miraculously was given a second season which was akin to a death sentence. It eventually went out the way it came in (with a whimper filled with solid writing and acting). Roseanne ended her run by ripping off Dallas and St. Elsewhere in an attempt to explain a painfully unfunny season. Coach also ended it's run, but like NBC's Wings most people thought it had been canceled a long time ago. Arsenio returned to TV in an expensive show that flopped and was NOT renewed at all....not even as a mid-season replacement. And Ellen finally came out of the fucking closet to a slew of stupid publicity (the entire town Roseanne takes place in has been gay for years!) The only hit show was Spin City which currently has a stay of execution (but on a new night).Mid-season's run of David E. Kelley's The Practice gave Kelley a hat trick (with Picket Fences and Chicago Hope), but it's been relegated to Saturdays where Twin Peaks died eons ago. ABC had renewed Lois And Clark for two seasons a year ago, but it dropped so far in the ratings, they'd rather piss away the money than air the damn show. And what happened to Muppets Tonight from two seasons ago? ABC held three episodes and ordered 13 more. As of this date, they have yet to air and are not on tap for fall. Next season reads like this:

MONDAY: Timecop at 8/Monday Night Football at 9 (we'll see what happens in this slot when football season's over)
TUESDAY: Soul Man at 8/Over The Top at 8:30 (Tim Curry on TV)/Home Improvement at 9/Hiller And Diller at 9:30/NYPD Blue at 10
WEDNESDAY: Spin City at 8 (here's a mistake waiting to happen)/Dharma & Greg at 8:30/The Drew Carey Show at 9/Ellen at 9:30/Prime Time Live at 10
THURSDAY: Nothing Sacred at 8/Cracker at 9/20-20 at 10
FRIDAY: Sabrina at 8/Boy Meets World at 8:30/Genie at 9/Teen Angel at 9:30/20-20 at 10
SATURDAY is "You Can Tell We Like These Shows Cause We're Airing Them When Nobody's Fucking at Home And If They Are They're Watching NBC or CBS Anyway Night": C-16: FBI at 8/Total Security at 9 (a Steven Bochco drama with Jim Belushi)/The Practice at 10
SUNDAY: Wonderful World Of Disney at 7/ABC Sunday Night Movie at 9 (which really means two movies back to back...one just happens to be either animated or family oriented)

Grace Under Fire and Painful Harm Comes To Pets And Children While Grown Men Get Kicked In The Crotch (otherwise known as America's Funniest Home Videos) will return when on or more of the new shows die quickly (or an old show dies slowly).

Fox is the only network whose Fall Schedule makes any sense. Married With Children ended a run long enough to put it in the ranks with Cheers and MASH. Sliders returned yet again and became a one note joke to see what movie we can base a planet on (Jurassic Park, Interview With A Vampire, Night Of The Living Dead all come to mind), but it won't be back again. Millennium has yet to be the show it's been advertised as (a cross between The X-Files and the movie Seven....so far it's just the latter). King Of The Hill joined The Simpsons to make up the funniest animated hour on TV (and that would include putting Friends and Seinfeld back to back).

MONDAY: Melrose Place at 8/ Ally McBeal at 9 (another David E. Kelley lawyer show...four well written shows could be pushing it)
TUESDAY: Movie at 8
WEDNESDAY: Beverly Hills 90210 at 8/Party Of Five at 9
THURSDAY: Rewind at 8/Between Brothers at 8:30/413 Hope Street at 9 (Damon Wayans produced this teen crisis center show)
FRIDAY: The Visitor at 8/Millennium at 9
SATURDAY: Cops at 8/America's Most Wanted at 9
SUNDAY "If We Could Find Something Of Quality For 7pm We'd Have The Greatest Night On TV In History": World's Funniest..... at 7/The Simpsons at 8/King Of The Hill at 8:30/The X-Files at 9

Even though UPN and The WB aren't full networks yet, I'll talk about them as I can. UPN is trying hard. Their best rated show is Star Trek: Voyager which is gold just cause of it's title, but the show sucks (see the new column about what's going on here). The Sentinel is fun. The rest of their line up is adequate for a startup network. They will be expanding to Thursdays mid-season with a two hour Sci-Fi movie block and the rumors are running hot and heavy (Nowhere Man, Doctor Who and Star Trek: Excelsior all seem to be coming to this, but I'd doubt them all right now). The WB is even less of a network...all sitcoms and crappy dramas. The only high point here was the mid-season addition of Buffy The Vampire Slayer which should be shunted to Fox on Sundays at 7 (IMHO). They even axed Brotherly Love (a guilty pleasure of mine) which they had stolen from NBC. The fall looks like this for both:

MONDAY WB: 7th Heaven at 8/Buffy The Vampire Slayer at 9
MONDAY UPN: In The House at 8/Malcolm & Eddie at 8:30/Good News at 9/Sparks at 9:30
TUESDAY WB starting mid-season: Dawson's Creek at 8/Three at 9
TUESDAY UPN: Clueless (stolen from ABC) at 8/Moesha at 8:30/Hitz at 9/Head Over Heels at 9:30
WEDNESDAY WB: Sister, Sister at 8/Smart Guy at 8:30/The Jamie Foxx Show at 9/The Wayans Brothers at 9:30
WEDNESDAY UPN: The Sentinel at 8/Star Trek: Voyager at 9
THURSDAY WB: No programming
THURSDAY UPN: Thursday Night Sci-Fi Movie at 8
FRIDAY WB: No programming
FRIDAY UPN: No programming
SATURDAY WB: No programming
SATURDAY UPN: No programming
SUNDAY WB: The Parent'hood at 7/Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher at 7:30/The Steve Harvey Show at 8/Unhappily Ever After at 8:30/The Tom Show at 9 (yes....Tom Arnold returns to TV)/Ocean Drive at 9:30
SUNDAY UPN: No programming

UPN also has a backup show called Ruby starring David Faustino (he found work quickly after Married With Children's demise) and the voice of Whoopi Goldberg as a puppet.

Well there you have it. This is what you can look forward to next fall on TV. A whole lotta nothing....or the same old nothing....depends on how you look at it.

brush up your shakespeare

Over the last year or so, we've gotten a deluge of movies based on Shakespearean plays. I'm going to take a look at a few of them:

Hamlet - never before has Shakespeare's greatest play been done on the screen in it's entirety. And frankly there were good reasons for this. Kenneth Branagh stars, directs and wrote (and got an Oscar nomination for this one....shouldn't that have gone to Shakespeare?). It is a grandly visual film, but quite frankly it's so slow that it almost comes to a screeching halt in a number of spots before picking up again for an action packed ending. Cameos abound here and most of them are just gimmicky (like Gerard Depardieu who plays Reynaldo, Polonius' manservant, who has like six lines all of which read "yes my lord"....what a waste of talent). At 4 hours and 2 minutes, this is a Hamlet that should not have to be.

William Shakespeare's Romeo And Juliet - now here's how Shakespeare needs to be done for today. Cut the text to it's most important passages, jazz it up with some cool techno funky type music, and keep the shots short and sweet. Great story, great film. The film stars Leonardo Dicaprio, Claire Danes, Paul Sorvino, Brian Dennehy, and Pete Postlethwaite. This will make a great Shakespeare double bill with Richard III (see review below).

Twelfth Night - I got to see this performed in Central Park years ago with a great cast (Jeff Goldblum, Michelle Pfeiffer, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Stephen Collins, Fisher Stevens, John Amos, and Gregory Hines). It's a funny play once you get into it. That cast made things more accessible. This cast (Ben Kingsley, Mel Smith, Richard E Grant, and Helena Bonham Carter) make things drag for a while before the film starts to get even remotely funny. Miss this unless you really need to see it. Someday there'll be a better version (I hope).

Richard III - like Baz Lurman's Romeo & Juliet this is how Shakespeare should be done for the big screen today. A large "name" cast with the text cut to its minimum and the story moved to a different time and place. Here it's 1930's England under fascist rule. Ian McKellen makes a truly horrifying Richard III. The supporting cast includes Annette Benning, Robert Downey, Jr., and Nigel Hawthorne.

Looking For Richard - this makes a nice companion piece to the above film. Al Pacino directed this "documentary" about the attraction we have to Shakespeare. He's sprinkled it liberally with scenes from Richard III and interviews with various famous actors and Shakespearean scholars. An interesting film at least.


secret....agent man

Mike Meyers has finally found something to sink his teeth into without resorting to using characters he developed on Saturday Night Live. His newest film, Austin Powers, International Man Of Mystery, is one of the goofiest films ever made. And that's definitely not a bad thing. This film is everything Spy Hard should have been (hell...it's everything Casino Royale should have been). Meyers plays Powers, a superspy from the '60's, who is cryogenically frozen after his arch-enemy Dr. Evil (also played by Meyers) freezes himself. Both men get defrosted in the '90's and have a hell of a time adjusting to changes. Elizabeth Hurley plays Miss Kensington, Austin's new partner and daughter of his former lover Mrs. Kensington (played by Mimi Rogers). Where the older Kensington is a product of the swinging '60's, where a woman could easily love a nebbish as nerdy as Austin, the younger Kensington is a product of the '90's (and can't stand Austin's bad teeth). The film is rife with dead-on Bond jokes (in fact the plot is almost a rip-off of Thunderball - could this be yet another remake of that tired story?). We have a giant Asian henchman known as Random Task, a femme fatale with the sexually suggestive name of Alotta Fagina (okay it's not very suggestive...in fact it's pretty blunt), and Dr. Evil (who looks like Donald Pleasance's Blofeld from You Only Live Twice) even strokes a cat (a hairless one....as the freezing process and revival has caused Mr. Bigglesworth to lose all his hair). If you're looking for a film that's purely entertaining and a whole lot of shagging fun, you could do worse than see this one.

how'd you like that cooked?

Welcome to a brand new feature where I'll be posting various rumors and facts (depending on how you look at them) that pertain to upcoming movies, upcoming TV show episodes, and anything else that falls into this category. So without further ado....here we go:
Tomorrow Never Dies - this is the 18th James Bond film and it stars Pierce Brosnan, Michelle Yoeh, Teri Hatcher, Jonathan Pryce, Judi Dench (M), Desmond Llewelyn (Q), Samantha Bond (Moneypenny), and Joe Don Baker (returning as the CIA's Jack Wade). Pryce plays a media mogul who'd rather destroy Hong Kong than see it turned over to the Chinese. Hatcher's his wife Paris who knows Bond from her past. Yoeh is a Hong Kong policewoman helping Bond. Roger Spottiswood directs. Now for the rumors: REM is doing the theme song (NOT), Kate Bush is doing the theme song (NOT), Duran Duran is doing the them song (maybe.....????), Bond commits suicide and/or murder (????), Brosnan will only do two more Bond films after this (yes....he stated it on The Tonight Show). The movie opens on December 23 (maybe United Artists would like it earlier)
Godzilla - has started shooting in NY. Stars Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Hank Azaria.....comes from the team that gave us Stargate and Independence Day
Superman Lives - Tim Burton directs Nicholas Cage as the new "electric" Man Of Steel (from the current comics), Patrick Stewart as Brainiac, Jack Nicholson as Lex Luthor, and Michael Keaton in an extended cameo as Batman. The script is by Kevin Smith. Smith did write a script that supposedly is incredible, but it had nothing to do with the current comic book. Burton and Cage are signed. Burton hired someone (Akiva Goldsman???...the person who scripted Batman's last two outings) to rewrite Smith's script. Christopher Reeve will have some role in front of or behind the camera. IMHO this film has "SUCKS BIGTIME" written all over it
Star Trek 9 (Star Trek: The Next Generation Movie 3) - Patrick Stewart IS already signed (remember he's the one who signed last for First Contact). Michael Piller is writing the script. Some of the Deep Space Nine cast will have large parts (????...script isn't written yet). The film will be shot in IMAX (nope....but there will be a separate Trek film in IMAX with some or all of the four shows casts).
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - 1997-1998 season is its last. Worf and Dax will marry. Sisko and Kassidy Yates will marry.
Star Trek: Voyager - Jennifer Lien (Kes) is leaving the show. Garret Wong (Harry Kim) is leaving the show. A Half Borg female will be joining the crew. The last two are unconfirmed rumors, but all three would help improve this show. Janeway and Chakotay should hook up again and the Doctor should go crazy and take over the ship for at least an episode.
Batman: Gotham Nights - is the name of the animated show when it returns in September. Dick Grayson becomes Nightwing. There'll be a new Robin. It'll be the same or a bit lighter (we'll know for sure when the damn thing airs). There will be 21 new episodes alternating weekdays with Superman and on Saturdays after the Man Of Steel.
Batman 5 - to be called Batman Triumphant, directed by Joel Schumacher, starring George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell as Batman and Robin. The villains will be Scarecrow (Michael J. Fox or Howard Stern depending on what you hear....both are false) and Harley Quinn (Jenny McCarthy or Sandra Bullock depending on what you hear) and/or Mad Hatter (Mel Gibson.....the only sane casting choice rumored about)
UPN's Mid-Season Sci-Fi Movie Thursdays - there will be a movie every Thursday, but half will be theatricals that UPN has gotten their hands on. The other half will be original sci-fi films. The big rumor is that Universal will make a second Doctor Who film as a test for a series and UPN will put it here (don't count on it.....but Philip Segal's offices are now on the Paramount lot...and Universal's option doesn't run out until the end of the year). UPN has also promised Nowhere Man a few telefilms so they could go here, but Bruce Greenwood and Larry Herzog are busy with new shows. And the long rumored "Adventures Of Captain Sulu" show could wind up being tested here (I hope not)!

an old fashioned hollywood musical of a different kind

Last year, Turner Animation released a very simple, yet fairly entertaining cartoon called Cats Don't Dance. Nobody saw it. It will be coming out on video in August (and yes...it's at an affordable price...if you're interested, but I'd suggest renting before buying). The story concerns a cat named Danny (voiced by Scott Bakula) who goes to Hollywood to live his dream of becoming a singing and dancing Hollywood star. When he gets there, he meets a number of other animals who have all been beaten by the system and have given up their dreams. He reinvigorates them, but they are unfortunately on the wrong side of Hollywood's sweetheart Darla Dimples (lover of children and animals...NOT). Darla and her behemoth of a butler, Max do their best to get all the animals kicked out of showbiz. But of course Danny and his friends triumph in the end. It's a fun film with fun songs and it hearkens back to old time Hollywood musicals like Singin' In The Rain (the film is even dedicated to Gene Kelley). This is about as good as animation gets if it ain't from Disney, so if you like this sort of thing, you owe it to yourself to catch it.

someone left the cake out in the rain

Before I get to the nitty gritty of this review, let me state up front that The Lost World: Jurassic Park is a fun entertaining, roller-coaster ride of a film that you'll find a fun way to spend two hours at a movie theater.

That said, let me explain why I don't like this film as a film. Speilberg is going through the motions here and it shows. Sure you're on the edge of your seat most of the time, but you've been there before (like in Jaws) and with a better story and more rounded characters. The problem this film has lies with it's source material. Not the novel The Lost World upon which it is loosely based, but the original Michael Crichton novel, Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is arguably Crichton's best book. It's a gripping story propelled by well rounded characters. The book was made into a movie (directed by Speilberg, written by Crichton and David Koepp) where the basic plot and characters were retained, but they were drained of all dimensionality. Lawyer bad...grandfather good....kids in way....scientists in awe, but knowing this is a bad idea....this is how the characters became in the film. Now, while the first film was a lot of fun, it was not the book. And there was no real reason it shouldn't have been the book. It had a great cast and a masterful director. For whatever reasons, the film was disappointing (to me), but it made a shitload of money. This is Hollywood terms means "Let's make a sequel". But Crichton needed to write a book first. His book The Lost World is a sequel to the movie more than a sequel to the book (Ian Malcolm - Goldblum's character - dies in the first book). But more than that it's sloppy writing from a great writer (so was Twister). Crichton didn't have a hand in the screenplay. David Koepp wrote it alone, but you know he a Crichton had breakfast before either started writing because there are so many similarities. And there are so many interesting concepts in both book and film, that it becomes even more disappointing that some aren't pushed and used to great effect (the safari hunter Roland Tembo - movie - chameleon dinosaurs - book - the whole concept of just what a "Lost World" is - both). Here we get what is essentially a reptilian remake of King Kong that isn't as deep or as exciting (and yes the T-Rex is brought to the mainland to be oooohhed and aaaahhhed by stupid humans who'll end up be trampled) crossed with a strange mix of the original book (Hammond's nephew somehow is exactly how Hammond acted in the original novel...we also get to meet Compys, a very mischievous, yet dangerous breed of dino that was all over the original book). I could go on and on about how ultimately disappointing this movie is because of what it could easily have been. To paraphrase Ian Malcolm here: "This is a overblown, badly executed idea in a long sad Hollywood history of overblown, badly executed ideas". Unfortunately, Malcolm's reference implied that his would be the last. We have a whole summer ahead of us filled with disappointing crap like this.

watch this space

Next month I will be starting a new column in which I give in depth analysis to movies than have been released on video with extra footage. Why was the footage cut? Why was it inserted in? Who's idea was it? And why are most of these available only on laserdisc? Expect answers to all of these questions next month as I kick off this column with a review of Ransom whose laserdisc release contain about 18 minutes of extra footage. This will be followed up by Scream (9 minutes extra), Dead Poets Society (15 minutes extra), Pretty Woman (15 minutes extra), JFK (17 minutes extra), and Natural Born Killers (4 minutes extra). After that I'll tackle some other "extended versions" (like Superman, Needful Things, and Dances With Wolves.....a loooonnnnggg way away cause I'm dreading the research on that one). I will not be covering films covered elsewhere (specifically things in Video Watchdog like Dune, Highlander, The Abyss, Aliens, Legend, and Blade Runner), but that may change even further into the future.

digital venue dissected

Well, I've finally had the opportunity to examine DVD first hand in my own home. The results are mixed at best. Picture quality was sharper and brighter than laserdisc, but only mildly and only truly noticeable on my 80 inch ProScan TV. Of course it blew VHS out of the water. The sound quality was a bit lower than laserdisc. I do not have a Dolby Digital set-up, but the Dolby Pro-Logic didn't sound as loud or as bright as laserdiscs. I made comparisons on several of the Warner titles (Batman, Interview With A Vampire, and Lethal Weapon to name three) and they all had the same results. The "supplementary" features left a lot to be desired. The production notes and filmographies for cast members were interesting, but the "If You Liked This, Try Watching...." Sections reeked of stupidity and bad advertising (they old showed you cover art for the suggested titles). There is still so much inconsistency in this format, that I can't recommend it yet. There are a lot of kinks to be worked out before I plunk down $500 bucks for a machine. The jump between laserdisc and DVD just isn't great enough to be justified, especially since four major studios are still sitting the game out (Paramount, Universal, Fox, and Disney) in spite of any internet rumors you hear to the contrary. Some questions to be pondered: why does MGM/UA put the widescreen and pan&scan versions on one side of a dual layered disc and Warner use two sides (one layer) when they're supposedly the same company? Why does Warner put out pan&scan only versions of films that have letterboxed versions of laserdisc? Why can't Warner offer a pan&scan version on films longer than 135 minutes by putting the widescreen on one dual layered side and the pan&scan on the other dual layered side? Why does Columbia/TriStar only put one version or the other on a one-sided disc instead of offering both? Why doesn't Columbia/TriStar put any supplements on their discs other than using the not very useful unless you're deaf or don't speak English subtitling and dubbing features? Why are Lumivision and Simitar even bothering when their product is so inferior it could kill the format alone? Why am I still going on about something like this when I have better things to do?



never say goodbye

Well that's the end of another issue. Even though I said the notable quotables would return, it hasn't....but it will. Next month more summer movie reviews, some video reviews, an in depth article on Batman in all his incarnations with a review of the new film (but not one of the new animated film Sub-Zero unless I can get an advanced copy.....I had been contemplating holding the June issue until mid-July to include this, but the release of Sub-Zero's been pushed to October...so that's no longer an option), the long awaited review of Raymond Benson's Zero Minus Ten (I haven't finished it yet), a review of some Doctor Who books, the Ransom comparison and the usual dreck and crap.

Be seeing you,

Joel Fenster
Lord Of Time