The New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 4

of plants and other strange things

Latest unconfirmed rumor puts the 18th James Bond film behind schedule. An unfinished script, no cast and no locations may delay the release from November 1997 to December 1997. However, I'm sure that Michael Wilson and Barbara Broccoli will make sure that it doesn't go any later than that. Meanwhile rumors abound. Bruce Fierstein has turned in his first draft and director Roger Spottiswood held a pow wow of Hollywood scribes to award one of them the rewrite. It supposedly went to writer/director Nicholas Meyer (The Day After, Time After Time and Star Trek II, IV, & VI). The title may now be Shamelady, which is a type of plant that happens to grow around Fleming's estate Goldeneye in Jamaica (and also almost became the name of the estate). Writer Raymond Benson also claims this is one of his chapter titles in his upcoming novel Zero Minus Ten, so the rumor may have started there.

As we go to press...a number of things have changed. Second unit shooting has started in France. Michelle Yoeh (Jackie Chan's female friend from Supercop)has been signed as one of the female leads and an Italian horror actress is the other. Jonathan Pryce will most likely play the villain. Principal shooting starts in March.

fit to be tied
A gangster's moll meets a butch lesbian plumber in the elevator one day. The next thing you know they're not only in the sack together, but they're planning on relieving her man of $2 million in cash that he's guarding in the apartment. This is the basic plot of Bound, easily one of the best films of 1996. The attractive, yet squeaky-voiced Jennifer Tilly is the gangster's moll. Joe Pantoliano is the gangster and Gina Gershon is the butch lesbian. I don't want to say too much about the film's storyline, but it is one of the most tense in quite some time. All three leads give incredible performances (especially Pantoliano whose stock mobster defies all rational thought as the film progresses). I've never been one to be turned on by sex scenes in movies, but whoa-ho-ho....Gershon and Tilly have a scene that will leave all men (and probably most women) wanting...no needing...a cold shower. This is as close to a 10 as it gets.
crap that should stay in the vaults
There is a possibility that 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment will release the long lost 70's camp classic Myra Breckinridge sometime in 1997. The film is based on a novel by Gore Vidal and stars Mae West, Raquel Welch, John Huston, Farrah Fawcett, Rex Reed, Jim Backus, and Tom Selleck (in a minor cameo that might be his first film appearance). With this much talent what could you expect? Well having gotten my hands on a screener of this, let me just say that Fox shouldn't waste their money. I don't think the curiosity factor would produce enough revenue to justify this shit. Oh...what's the film about you may ask? Rex Reed plays Myron Breckinridge who has dreams of being Raquel Welch and then getting revenge on his bastard of an uncle (John Huston) who runs an acting school/sex school. Let me save you the trouble of ever having to see this. Myron dreams the whole thing between the time John Carradine as his surgeon removes his genitals and the time his new doctor (Jim Backus) wakes him up after the operation. Everything in between is confusing and pointless....hell....it ain't even funny.
and now our feature presentation
This month's feature article is a review of the various home video companies laserdisc divisions. Each review is based on film selection, film to disc transfers, packaging, pricing, and scheduling. The reason I'm doing this has to do with the impending DVD launch next year. If the companies can't get their acts together with existing formats, what makes one think they'll be able to handle a yet to be born one. Companies are presented in random order (and only comprise major studios, next month I'll deal with the minor ones):
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment - keeps a decent selection of films on disc, most of which have decent transfers from the best available sources (I'm forgiving them their late 80's widescreen remasters which were admirable, but abysmal). They have a good in house art department which tries to put some sort of liner notes on the discs. Their pricing is a bit high especially on some of their deluxe special editions (their recent Young Frankenstein is about $10 too high), but they've gotten better at this (their initial widescreen Star Wars cost $70, while their more recent widescreen THX version only cost $60 and looks infinitely better). As for their scheduling titles; they rarely, if ever, hit the same day as their VHS counterparts. And most of the time the intentional month delay turns into a longer delay. Whenever possible a release will be THX and/or Dolby Digital. All product from this company is exclusively distributed by Image Entertainment. Their best product released this year: The King And I 40th Anniversary Box Set. Upcoming titles to look forward to: special editions of Patton, Wall Street and David Cronenberg's The Fly.
MCA/Universal Home Video - soon to be known as Universal Home Video, they probably have the best selection of films on laserdiscs (both classics and recent hits). All have great transfers from great sources (although there is the occasional flub). They have a good art department that reuses theatrical art whenever possible. And they've just started bleeding to all four corners on their widescreen releases (although I liked the old look). Their pricing on regular titles and double features is reasonable, but their Signature Collection series of collector's editions is way too expensive. The worst offender is Scarface which at $130 contains some stills, a trailer, and a 45 minute documentary...they even used the same old crappy transfer. What gives? There always used to be a week's delay between VHS and laser, but that gap seems it may have closed. Universal has yet to encode laserdiscs with Dolby Digital sound (although the upcoming Signature versions of 12 Monkeys and Dragonheart are rumored to have it) because they have money invested in DTS Digital Sound. Universal distributes their own laserdiscs, their upcoming line of DTS Digital Sound titles will be exclusively distributed by Image Entertainment. Their best product released this year: 1941 Signature Collection Box Set. Upcoming titles include special editions of Vertigo, Psycho and John Carpenter's The Thing.
Warner Home Video - a company that of this writing has two discs (Bogus and a 40th Anniversary Collector's Edition of Giant) in solicitation obviously doesn't give a rat's ass about laser. Their library does consist of mostly recent films and some decent remasters of older films, but there are too many key films in dire need of remastering (although to their credit they canceled a widescreen Mister Roberts because they couldn't find decent source material). Packaging is perfunctory (good chapter stops, no real liner notes). Pricing is standard ($35 for single discs, $40 for double discs). They rarely do collector's editions, but when they do they're over-priced (Wyatt Earp & JFK both go for $150...these films didn't need to be all in CAV). Warner almost always hits day and date with VHS counterparts (unless they stick to doing the title in Dolby Digital then tack on two weeks because there's only one pressing plant that can handle these titles). Warner distributes their own laserdiscs. Their best product released this year: Heat. Not much to look forward to from this company by way of interesting titles.
Paramount Home Video - Here's a company that has a great catalog that they obviously don't know what to do with. Nashville, Grease, Saturday Night Fever, and The Elephant Man are on the top of everyone's want lists. But Paramount's picks for widescreen remasters seem about as logical as a dart throw. And the quality varies greatly (Ferris Bueller is great, Ragtime isn't). On top of this their widescreen remasters of the Star Trek and Indiana Jones series are in desperate need of new remasters (due to technology upgrades). But even those are a long time off. Paramount only does special editions when they release one on tape also (like their not-so-special director's series that currently consists of Fatal Attraction, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home and Paper Moon - what a series). Pricing is a bit high ($40 for single disc remasters). They always hit day and date with their VHS counterparts. Paramount is distributed exclusively by Pioneer. Their best product released this year: Braveheart. Unsure of what titles they're working on for this year.
Walt Disney Home Video - this company actually encompasses several smaller ones (Touchstone, Hollywood, Miramax, Dimension, Buena Vista, Jim Henson, and Walt Disney Home Videos). Their product is top notch and is priced a bit high (that same $40, but that even tends to go for new movies that need to spread to three sides). They're not really into remastering older films, but when they do, look out. Most product hits about 2 weeks after the VHS counterpart. Of course all these rules get thrown out the window when dealing with Disney's line of animated masterpieces. We're lucky if these show up at all. The pattern currently seems to be this: if the film has already been on video, we get an inexpensive CLV movie only version and a real expensive CAV box set chock full of extras on the same day as the VHS re-release. Their newer classics seem to get released on VHS early in the year following their theatrical run (example: Hunchback in February 1997) and then we get the dual laser releases (CLV movie only and CAV box set) sometime fourth quarter of that year (or more than a year after the theatrical release). If it's new to video, it's anybody's guess. Disney has yet to release 101 Dalmatians, The Fox And The Hound, or Oliver And Company on laserdisc. On the plus side there are a few laser exclusives: Saludos Amigos and the full feature version of The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr. Toad (these are official masterpieces, the latter is available on two separate tapes under their "Mini-Classics" line). Their best product this year: Toy Story the CAV box set (with the CAV version of Pocahontas running a very close second). Titles to look forward to are special editions of Sleeping Beauty and The Hunchback of Notre Dame as well as the release of Disney's 9th Animated Classic Fun And Fancy Free for the first time.
Columbia/TriStar Home Video - out of the seven major Hollywood studios, this one is the most inconsistent and sporadic when it comes to laser. Currently, they are releasing decent product at decent prices (meaning their quality and pricing fluctuates). But they are only releasing new theatrical films. They had embarked upon a series of bi-monthly remasters, but that came to a grinding halt at the end of the summer. They canceled a number of titles and never released a number of others that were proposed. This company is a high proponent of DVD (it's parent company Sony is making players) which might explain the lackadaisical attitude towards laserdisc. Their releases vary from day and date with VHS to four months later depending on which way the wind seems to be blowing. This company distributes their own discs, but we'd be better off if they didn't. Their best product of the past year: Stand By Me in a widescreen remaster.
MGM/UA Home Video - recently taken over as an Image exclusive, this company was one of the best laser companies for one of the longest times. There is very little left in their catalog that hasn't been on laser at least at one time. With Image at the helm, we will now be getting the best and worst of the company. Before the Image take over, titles were lacking, but their prices were low (like Warner), now prices have gone up, but Image is attempting to release or re-release just about everything in this library. There isn't much I can think of that we need from these guys (other than more James Bond box sets, which seem to be in limbo right now). Releases are either day and date with VHS or a week or two later (depending on Image's scheduling and what else they need to get out). Their best product of the year: a tie between the box sets for Goldfinger and Thunderball.
Next month, part two: This will include the minor Hollywood studios and independent laser companies: New Line Home Video - a minor studio handled by Image
Orion Home Video - a minor studio handled by Image
Live Entertainment - a minor studio handled by Pioneer
Pioneer Special Editions - a line of collector's discs from Pioneer
Criterion Collection - a line of collector's discs handled by Image
Elite Entertainment - a small company specializing in remasters and collector's versions of horror films
Lumivision - a small company specializing in remasters and collector's versions of whatever they can get their hands on
The Roan Group - a small company specializing in remasters and collector's versions of whatever's in the public domain that they can get their hands on
don't cry for her argentina
If ever there was an excuse to bring back the live action musical, Alan Parker's new film Evita is it. It is hands down one of the most beautifully shot films I have ever seen. If you don't know what this is about, then you're missing one of the more interesting musicals ever written. Unlike a number of previous musicals taken from the Broadway stage, this one represents Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice's original vision very well (and doesn't do any major damage through cuts made in the score - of which there are few). Madonna handles herself very capably in the role of Eva Peron, the beloved wife of Argentine dictator Juan Peron (Jonathan Pryce). Antonio Banderas is great as Che, the ringmaster for this "circus". This musical has taken a long time to get to the silver screen and over the course of many years (and many productions) a number of changes have been made. For the movie, a new song has been written for Madonna to sing (and so the film could get a Best Original Song nomination at the Oscar's) and another song has been shifted to an earlier spot so that Madonna could sing it ("Another Suitcase In Another Hall" was originally sung by Peron's mistress as Eva through her out, now Eva sings it after she arrives in Buenos Aires with Magaldi and discovers that she is being tossed aside as his mistress.) Another major change from both stage versions (the London and Broadway shows were different in a number of spots, the former containing a subplot concerning Che's invention of a new and powerful insecticide) concerns the song detailing Peron's rise to power. While we still get a verse from Broadway's "The Art Of The Possible", we are given a re-written (to remove the insecticide plot) version of "The Lady's Got Potential". The are other minor lyrical changes throughout (including the deletion of one of Che's best lines just before "Don't Cry For Me Argentina"), but the film is not marred by any of them. As stated above, this is easily one of the best looking films ever made, and that is created through the sumptuous cinematography, the rapid fire editing, and the lush production design. Don't miss this if you can help it....hopefully, there will be a resurgence of what is a dead genre because of this film.

woody's attempt
Woody Allen's latest film, Everyone Says I Love You, is another attempt at reviving the musical as a viable form of movie entertainment. This one is a failure in that respect. There isn't much of a plot to this film, in fact most of the characters only exist to sing in various musical numbers. While all of the musical numbers are handled by actors who aren't known for their singing prowess, they aren't shot very well by Mr. Allen and they seem cramped most of the time. Mr. Allen has attempted to make a gimmick film once again (along the lines of The Purple Rose Of Cairo), unfortunately, here he's come up short.

another nebbish makes a film
The Los Angeles version of Woody Allen happens to be Albert Brooks and his new film Mother is a laugh riot. Brooks plays a grown man who moves back into his mother's house after yet another failed marriage. The film examines the relationship between Brooks and his mom (Debbie Reynolds in an Oscar worthy performance) and his younger brother (Rob Morrow with a bad haircut). While not as funny or as cleverly original as Brooks' last film, Defending Your Life, you should still enjoy this film (especially if you've ever had a mother).

porn takes a stand
If you've never heard of Hustler magazine's publisher Larry Flynt and don't know anything about his life, you may want to check out Milos Foreman's new film The People Vs. Larry Flynt which tries to present Flynt in a light he's not quite been presented in before. Woody Harrelson plays Flynt, the crazy magnate of a porno publishing empire who is constantly winding up in court for various reasons. Edward Norton plays his attorney who wishes he'd keep himself out of trouble. Courtney Love plays Althea Leisure, Flynt's drug addict wife who died of AIDS at a very young age. The film does seem to paint Flynt as a defender of free speech (which he was), but at the same time portray something of his seedy side (he is the owner of Hustler magazine). It is at this second task that the film fails (slightly), Althea was Flynt's third wife (we never hear a peep about the first two) and there are many other aspects that get glossed over (which can be a necessity in a biopic in order to keep the story focused), but the story has a strong focus (Flynt's fight for free speech and his subsequent legal fight with the Reverend Jerry Fallwell) and never loses sight of it's objectives. Harrelson is great as Flynt, and Norton brings Alan Issacman's exasperation and dedication to the forefront nicely, but Courtney Love is playing nothing but herself. There isn't much of a stretch for this singer/heroin addict-turned actress to play a dancer/heroin addict.

if it's not a sequel, what the hell is it
Former Monty Python member John Cleese has finally fulfilled his promise to reunite the cast of A Fish Called Wanda in an unrelated film. Fierce Creatures gives us Kevin Kline in two rolls: an Australian billionaire who will stop at nothing to get what he wants and his American son, an idiot and simpleton who has always tried to take the easy (and vulgar) way out of things. When the elder Kline buys a British zoo, he installs Cleese to run it and get it making the requisite 20% profit. His first attempt involves getting rid of any animals that don't pose a threat to humans. Of course his only option winds up being to kill them, which he can't do so he hides them in his apartment (which leads to some greatly funny misunderstandings about his sexual appetite). Curtis and the younger Kline arrive to also help the zoo make money, but they have ideas that differ from each other and Curtis winds up falling for Cleese, while the younger Kline institutes a policy of having celebrity and corporate endorsements (for example you could see Bruce Springsteen's Tortoise) as he tries to woo Curtis. Palin plays one of the crazy zoo keepers who are constantly trying to keep up with the exasperating changes being made around them. While the film isn't as funny or as bitingly mean-spirited as A Fish Called Wanda, it is still funnier than most of what seems to pass as comedy in Hollywood these days. Try not to miss it.

returning to a point twenty years ago
Everyone who's a part of Generation X (whatever the hell that's supposed to be) remembers where they were back in 1977 when they first saw Star Wars (in fact I do believe that having seen the film at least once is what makes you a part of Generation X). Now the classic film has returned to the big screen in a way that no ever thought.

Star Wars is a turning point in the history of filmmaking. It has influenced both the way Hollywood has continued to make films and the filmmakers who try to get films made. Before the first part (or fourth part depending on your outlook) of George Lucas' epic story, Hollywood made smaller films that had stories and turned profits without having to pay out millions of dollars to overpriced hackneyed actors. Star Wars changed all that. With some special effects (and not much else), the studios decided it was more important to hit home runs every time at bat instead of just trying to get on base. Luckily, looking back on this twenty year old film, it has everything that something like Twister or Independence Day doesn't; a heart and a soul and a story that gripped an entire generation.

By now everyone out there knows how Luke Skywalker became a hero and how and why Darth Vader was redeemed, but what surprises are in store for you in this 20th anniversary re-release? First and foremost, a remixed soundtrack. Every sound has been tweaked and remixed into today's technologies, without sacrificing the integrity of the original. All the special effects have been digitally touched up and enhanced, without sacrificing the integrity of the original. And about four minutes of extra footage has been restored, without sacrificing the integrity of the original. That's the key to "updating" a classic of this nature....the original version of the film, must be kept intact. There was a plan a number of years ago to redo several episodes of the classic TV show Star Trek by redoing the special effects with today's technology. The key there was redo not enhance. Lucas has taken what he started with and made it all look smoother, slicker, and nicer than it did before, without making it look different.

That said, there have been some changes that do look a bit different. The four extra minutes is where this stuff comes into play. The most changes have come in the scenes at the Mos Eisley spaceport on Tatooine. When Ben, Luke, and the droids first enter the city, it now looks like a bustling spaceport. There are ships taking off in the background. There are a lot more creatures and people moving around in the background. Yes, some of it is a bit distracting, but it fits very seamlessly into what has already been there. On top of these snippets of footage here and there (including extra creatures inside the cantina), there is a two minute scene between Han Solo and Jabba The Hutt before Luke and Ben arrive at the Falcon. Originally, Lucas wanted to include this scene, but the technology wasn't available to him to replace the fat man stand in for Jabba with a creature (like the one we came to know two films later). Now he could, so he did. It's a nice addition. Also the Falcon shooting it's way out of Mos Eisley is exactly that. (There is a downside to all this, some genius decided that the good guy can't shoot the bad guy without provocation, so Greedo gets a shot off in this version before Han kills him....thank you politically correct assholes!) As for the other scenes, there is a half a minute or so scene between Luke and his friend Biggs before they take off in their X-Wings to blow up the Death Star. For years people have talked about the many extra scenes of Biggs and Luke at the beginning of the film on Tatooine and even Mark Hamil wanted to see them restored for this, but Lucas wisely left those out. The first third of the film is the slowest and wwe get enough of Luke's wining without actually seeing Biggs to re-inforce that he's unhappy on the planet. The short scene before the battle establishes who Biggs is (we've heard the name over and over out of Luke's mouth...now we have a face) and gives more meaning to his death, without adding twenty long minutes to an already draggy opening. The last major renovation is the battle of the Death Star....the fleet of thirty ships (heard in dialogue for years) now looks like a fleet of thirty ships (and they take off from Yavin in close-up....not like a swarm of white mosquitoes in the distance).

Even if you've seen this film enough times to recite dialogue as it runs ("Stay on target"), treat yourself and see it on the big screen again. So you own it on video, it's a theater experience. So you own a widescreen THX CAV laserdisc with a six speaker set up and a 100 inch video projector screen, it doesn't come close to recreating the communal experience that you get in the theater. See it now while you still can (and then see it again when all three are playing at once).

ratings, ratings, who's got the ratings
By now we've all seen the new TV ratings system as we watch our must see TV on Thursdays. Is there anyone else out there who thinks that this ratings system is the biggest pile of horse-shit this side of the Andes? Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with the concept of a ratings system. I don't think that it's censorship (although it is a form of self-imposed censorship - whatever that is - which will stay outside this discussion). The movie ratings system, for all it's imperfections, does what it's supposed to do. It lets parents know "Hey this movie's about people who have sex during car accidents and they're nude and bloody, don't bring your fucking kids, moron?" The TV ratings system doesn't say this at all. It generalizes what the content of each program is by giving the show a rating and not the particular episode. While one episode of Friends may be about Phoebe trying to get to know her father another may feature enough penis jokes to sink a ship. Is that appropriate for children at the 8:00 hour? So the whole show gets a PG rating instead of TV14. Millennium is a show crying out for TV-M, but no, it's TV14. And the height of silliness I just saw the other day. The Adventures Of Batman And Robin (an animated kids show which falls under the kids ratings of Y and Y7) was rated Y7 because it contains superheroic action (that's what was stated on screen and read by a narrator, I kid you not). What the fuck does that mean? Talk about vague? I think Jack Valenti needs to keep his nose in the movies and away from TV. Let the TV people rethink their system (without bullshiting us by saying "We can't rate every episode! That's too much TV to watch?" You make the shows people, you watch 'em anyway to know what you can and can't air - like pushing Roseanne back an hour for a gay wedding- so put up or shut up). I could rate an episode without even watching it just by the description. DO it right or don't do it at all. Otherwise, pinheaded government putzes are gonna step in. Then you'll know the meaning of the word censorship!

that's all she wrote
Well...another day, another dollar. That's all for this issue. Be here next month for my top 25 films of 1996 and my bottom 5 (were these bad?) of 1996. Also my review of The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition, Dante's Peak, and whatever else I may have seen by then....so until then

Be seeing you!

Joel

New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 3

baldly going where everyone seems to have gone before

Well...this month marks the culmination of the 30th Anniversary festivities for Paramount's Star Trek franchise. And to celebrate the festivities, we've gotten bombarded with "special" things from each of the four incarnations. Here are my reviews and insights of each part of the world of Trek:

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - I'm gonna get clobbered here, but in my opinion, this has grown into the best version of Star Trek yet. It has tossed aside Roddenberry's sterile, happy version of the future and given it the gritty, realistic edge it deserves. We have a Captain (Benjamin Sisko) who is plagued not only by the death of his wife (at the hands of the Borg), but who has also been elevated to a revered religious status which he has no idea how to handle. The Chief Security Officer (Odo) used to be a shapeshifter, but he not only found out about his mysterious past rather early in the series, but was also exiled from his people who made him a solid before casting him out. Worf's on board for all those Trekkos who love Klingon crap. We have a gossip loving Science Officer who is in love with the grumpy Worf and also happens to be over 300 years old. The Starfleet Medical Officer is a horny little bastard. The bar's run by a greedy Ferengi whose idiot brother is now part of O'Brien's engineering crew. And there's the Bajoran First Officer who is currently carrying the O'Briens second child (for reasons I won't get into). These are great characters who are played by perfect actors. The stories they've been given are wonderful and full of a nice blend of suspense and humor (when called for). In celebration of the 30th Anniversary, we got an episode which combined both Classic Trek and this show quite seamlessly. Sisko and crew were thrown back in time to the original episode The Trouble With Tribbles and were forced to find a fugitive Klingon (who was disgraced by Kirk in that episode) before he can kill James T. Kirk. The episode mixed footage of the original episode in so seamlessly that it was just amazing to watch. This is a perfect example of a 30th Anniversary tribute as it keeps the integrity of the original relevant to the plot.

Star Trek: First Contact - Captain Picard and his crew of the Enterprise E travel back in time to stop the Borg from preventing the first warp flight which was spotted by some Vulcans, resulting in first contact between humans and aliens. This eighth film in the series is fun and entertaining, but has a few problems. Allow me to indulge some nit-picking for a few moments. There are seven major cast members of this show (Picard, Data, Riker, Worf, Dr. Crusher, Geordi, Troi). With Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner demanding more money and bigger parts with each successive film, it's obvious that most of the screen time is taken up by Picard (hell bent on vengeance against the Borg for assimilating him) and Data (seduced by the Borg Queen into helping her). The others (who all had plenty of times in the seven year run of the TV series to shine) are reduced to bit parts and cameos. Now while some have bigger parts more than others, some are treated poorly. Riker and Worf get the next amount of screen time. Worf doesn't even belong here anymore (but they'll keep finding ways to throw him of the goddamn Enterprise...mark my words). Riker continues to be the Kirk clone he always was. Both Troi and Geordi shine in their even smaller roles (and we don't even get an explanation of Geordi's new "eyeballs"). Dr. Crusher however has been relegated to a role so small that even Lt. Barclay (Dwight Schultz), who was one of those great re-occurring characters on the TV series, puts in a larger cameo than Gates McFadden. I guess her pay justifies the shitty treatment (a first draft I read spread the crew out evenly...but sacrificed the great Zephram Cochran who spent most of the script in a coma). James Cromwell and Alfre Woodard are great as the drunken scientist Cochran and his assistant Lily and they bring some much needed humor to this dark, gritty script. Other cameos include Nurse Ogawa (another series holdover), Robert Picardo as the Enterprise's own Emergency Medical Holographic Program (I'm a doctor, not a doorstop), and Ethan Phillips (who plays Neelix on Voyager, but doesn't here). Time travel stories are always tough to keep track of if you think about them too long (especially here since the crew pretty much tell Cochran all that he's going to do in the next few years....Prime Directive my ass). My biggest complaint comes in the change of Picard. He's now a bitter old man and while I think it's a great change....the justification's weak. It's been six years since the Borg assimilated him, and only now he's starting to feel the effects like this? I don't think so. Also as someone who used to risk his entire ship for even the lowliest crew member and who knows that people can be de-Borgified, Picard has no qualms about killing off half his crew when they become assimilated. He's a heartless, bitter bastard and while he's more interesting now than he ever was, it was much of an evolution. On a last note: The most impressive thing about this film is Jonathan Frakes' directorial debut (better than some other actors who have won Oscars for doing less impressive work their first time out). The funniest thing was a line from the six year old behind me the second time I saw it. When the Phoenix (Cochran's warp ship) got into outer space and spread it's nacelles, the kid said: "Mommy, I saw that on TV, I want that for Christmas."

Star Trek: Voyager - guess where Gilligan and the Skipper went this month? You guessed it, back in time....all the way back to 1996 (oohhhh....a budget saver...and two parts no less). This time the lost in space (and ratings) crew fight the evil Ed Begley, Jr. (now here's the most sinister man in Gotham) before he can destroy the future when he....oh, who cares (which should be the motto of this show, not Millennium) . This show had some promise, but it was flushed down the toilet long ago. The interesting characters (Chakotay, The Doctor, and give me a minute or a year...I might come up with a third) are either underused or have had their interesting parts thrown out and then got restarted from scratch. If I were on Voyager, I'd lead a mutiny. Kill Janeway and force the writers to bring us home. Maybe that'll fix the show....maybe not. Anyway...the less said about this show, the better. Expect the Borg to show up here sometime this season.

toe jam

Before I say a lot of nasty and negative things, let me state that Space Jam was entertaining. HOWEVER, it embodies EVERYTHING that is wrong with Hollywood movies today. All style and no substance. This movie came to life as a commercial and it's still caught in that reprehensible role. The special effects are nothing too special (they haven't advanced the mixing of humans and cartoons any further than Who Framed Roger Rabbit - all they've done is add computer effects). And if you were going to pick a basketball team out of the Looney Tunes, would any of the five picked here actually be on the team (Speedy Gonzales would probably have been a good choice, but remains in the background). All in all, miss this if you can.

quick shots

Matilda - will be appearing on video soon after you read this. It's a great adaptation of Roald Dahl's book and is well directed by actor Danny DeVito. Great family viewing.
Joe's Apartment - this comedy was extended from a group of MTV shorts and while it does have a jumpy pace, it's a real hoot watching a bunch of cockroaches sing and dance.
Thinner - it's amazing that a rather faithful adaptation of a Stephen King novel could remove all the humor and suspense from the book and come up this flat (every pun intended).
Pandora's Clock - this tense and well acted mini-series is worth a second airing and a viewing if you missed it the first time.

update on bond prices

Unconfirmed rumor has it that the 18th James Bond film will be entitled Avatar. It will be directed by Roger Spottiswood (And The Band Played On, Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot). Pierce Brosnan will return for his second outing as Bond, as will Judi Dench as M and Samantha Bond as Miss Moneypenny. Terrence Stamp will play the villain, a British businessman who would rather see Hong Kong destroyed than handed over to the Chinese. Natasha Henstridge (Species) is in the running for the female lead. As I get more confirmed info, I'll pass it along.
In the meantime, Raymond Benson's first Bond short story, Blast From The Past, has appeared in the January 1997 issue of Playboy (it has Marilyn Monroe on the cover). Benson proves himself worthy of taking the pen from the three previous Bond authors, and even comes very close to imitating Fleming's style without copying it or ripping it off. The story concerns Bond's investigation into the death of his son living in New York. Bond has a son, you ask? When did that happen? In Fleming's novel You Only Live Twice, Bond gets revenge on Blofeld for the death of his wife Tracy. He escapes from the exploding castle, but is hit by debris and loses his memory. When he finally leaves Japan in search of his past, he leaves behind a pregnant Kissy Suzuki, who later gives birth to a son she names James. Benson offs this character without letting the reader, or Bond, for that matter get to know him. While he could have made an interesting addition to the world of Bond, Benson uses James to almost cut off Bond from his past...he has nowhere to go but forward. Oh and who killed James Suzuki? All I'm gonna say is that it has something to do with the epic story Fleming laid out in both On Her Majesty's Secret Service and You Only Live Twice. Benson's got me hooked by this exciting and simple story. I can't wait for his novel, Zero Minus Ten coming this spring.

this is the way the world ends

While it takes forever to get started, Tim Burton's Mars Attacks!, is ten times better than Independence Day. Burton has concocted a great spoof of alien invasion movies. First, unlike the summer blockbuster, this film has an A-list of stars: Jack Nicholson (as both the President and a Las Vegas hotel owner), Glenn Close (the first lady), Pierce Brosnan (a pompous scientist), Annette Benning (wife of Las Vegas Hotel Owner), Danny DeVito (gambler....part lasts about a minute), Sarah Jessica Parker (fluff news reporter), Martin Short (Presidential Press Secretary), Michael J. Fox (GNN New Reporter), Natalie Portman (daughter of President), Lucas Haas (teenager), Joe Don Baker (teenager's father), Christina Applegate (teenager's brother's girlfriend), Jim Brown (Casino bouncer), Pam Grier (Jim Brown's wife), Rod Steiger (war-bent army general), Paul Winfield (peaceful army general), and Tom Jones (Tom Jones). Secondly, unlike the summer blockbuster (where you could predict the outcome without knowing anything about the movie), nothing is sacred here...there are only six survivors of this major cast (and yes Tom Jones is one of them, but surprisingly none of them is Nicholson). The cruelest fates go to Brosnan and Parker (I won't mention what happens to them here). The film has the look of a Burton movie and that look remains consistent throughout (including the special effects which are very smooth, unlike the summer blockbuster). However, this film is not for everyone. It is rated PG-13 and unlike ID4, I think the Martians will scare the shit out of little kids. Danny Elfman brings his usual musical bag of tricks to the table and Peter Suchitzsky's widescreen photography captures everything very nicely. If you've liked Burton's other films (Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Beetlejuice, Batman, Edward Scissorhands, Batman Returns, Ed Wood, and hell even though he didn't actually direct it The Nightmare Before Christmas) you'll like this. It isn't his best work, but it's very funny (in spite of the fact that it takes about an hour to really get rolling).

look, up in the sky...

Since the first season of Superman: The Animated Series only consists of 13 episodes, here's a quick guide to the first 11 (the last two will air in February):

The Last Son Of Krypton - this originally aired as a 90 minute special, but is broken up into three half hours for Saturday mornings. Part one gives us the Krypton story where we meet scientist Jor-El, his wife Lara, and their son Kal-El. Jor-El discovers that Krypton will soon explode, but the council of elders won't believe him because the super computer that stores all Kryptonian knowledge, Brainiac, tells the council Jor-El is wrong. Brainiac does this because he doesn't want to have to formulate an evacuation plan for the planet. He downloads his entire memory core into a satellite and escapes. Jor-El sends Kal-El to earth. Krypton explodes. Part two covers the Smallville years and the beginning of the Metropolis years. The young Kal-El is found by Jonathan and Martha Kent and renamed Clark Kent. He has a high school sweetheart Lana Lang and then discovers his Kryptonian heritage. Clark then moves to Metropolis where he gets a job as a reporter for the Daily Planet. We meet Perry White, Jimmy Olsen, and Lois Lane. We also find that Metropolis is pretty much owned by multi-billionaire Lex Luthor. In Part Three, Luthor unveils a super-suit for the army to use as a line of defense, but it's stolen by terrorist John Corben. Superman arrives. Fights Corben, who's using the Lexoskel suit, and saves the day. It turns out Corben was being backed by Luthor. There is a great scene between Luthor and Superman (who has no physical proof of Luthor's involvement). Clark, of course, gets the story to the paper before Lois. This is a great start to the series (and much better than ABC's live action Lois And Clark which was good it's first season and has gone downhill ever since.)

Fun And Games - Metropolis' other multi-billionaire, Bruno Mannheim is kidnapped by Toyman, who then also kidnaps Lois Lane. It seems that Mannheim may have destroyed the career of a toymaker and his son is now out to get revenge, and Lois will tell his story. Superman saves the day, but the Toyman isn't found in the wreckage of his warehouse. A great story with some wild animation effects and story ideas (like the super ball that gets faster the more it bounces and makes large dents in things).

A Little Piece Of Home - Luthor opens his new museum of natural history, but some robbers (financed by Luthor) break in and try to steal something. Superman stops them, but is strangely affected by some moon rocks. It turns out the rocks are actually Kryptonite, meteorites from Krypton's explosion that are radioactive and harmful to Kryptonians. Luthor uses this to his advantage in bringing Superman down, but lead protects Clark from the harmful effects. Another wonderful story that continues plotlines from the pilot.

Feeding Time - Roy Jones, a janitor at S.T.A.R. labs helps out in the theft of some chemicals, but is exposed to them in the process. He now has the ability to absorb energy (as well as thoughts and memories) from whatever he touches. Of course he eventually touches Superman, discovers his secret identity, and kidnaps him, using him as a battery to recharge himself whenever he needs a fix. Jimmy Olsen, being the snoop that he is, saves the day. Fun, but slightly on the weak side. The Parasite (Jones's name after the accident) has never been one of Superman's more interesting villains, but an attempt is made to make him sympathetic. It almost works.

The Way Of All Flesh - John Corben returns. This time he's in jail and has contracted some rare disease. Luthor is willing to help, but his solution is ghastly. Corben's brain is transferred into an exo-skeleton covered in a synthetic skin. He still looks like Corben and acts like Corben, but he's completely metallic. And his metal body is powered by radiation from Kryptonite which is now his "heart". Corben gets frustrated that he can't feel, and tries to take it out on Superman at Luthor's urging. Lois and Clark discover that Corben was injected with the rare virus to begin with by a prison doctor on Luthor's payroll. Superman saves Luthor from Corben, who is lost at sea. A great episode that truly humanizes another of Superman's lesser villains.

Stolen Memories - Brainiac shows up on earth and wants to trade information with humans (okay Luthor). But he has a far more sinister plan. Brainiac wants to store all the information he can about earth in his collection of knowledge orbs and then destroy the planet. Superman learns more about his heritage and even gets an offer from Brainiac to join him. But the man of steel declines and defeats the super-computer before he can accomplish his goals. Superman is able to save the Kryptonian orb and Brainiac downloads himself into Lexcorp's computers before his ship is destroyed. Another great twist on a confusingly written Superman villain. My only complaint is the destruction of all the other planetary orbs. Why did we have to lose all that info about other planets?

Main Man - this two part episode features Lobo, a bounty hunter, who is hired to bring Superman to the collection of a man who keeps a museum of "lasts", Superman being the "last" son of Krypton. Lobo delivers the goods, but instead of being paid, he is also added to the collection, being the last Czarnian (Lobo destroyed his own people...probably in a drunken stupor). The second part of the story involves Superman and Lobo teaming up to escape from the museum. Part one is fun just watching Lobo and Superman beat the crap out of each other, part two is fun watching Lobo double-cross Superman at every turn. The storywriters have taken one of the DC Universe's most annoying characters and given him a nice spin (he's still annoying, but it's now fun to watch).

My Girl - Lex Luthor shows up at a fashion show, being covered by Lois and Clark, with famous fashion designer Lana Lang on his arm. Superman saves Lana from being kidnapped and she knows exactly who he is. She is still in love with him and tries to prove her love by spying on Luthor and giving Clark the info to stop him. Of course, Luthor finds out about this and tries to kill her. Of course, Superman saves the day and Lana gives up her spying. This is one of the most bizarre twists on the Lana Lang character I've ever seen, but it works. Luthor and his bodyguard/chauffeur, Mercy Graves, are developed even more in this tightly written story.

The last two episodes will air in February. One features The Flash and the other features Darkseid, the evil ruler of Apokalypse.

delayed video disaster

As you may well know (by walking into any electronics store), the new home entertainment system dubbed DVD, which either stand for Digital Video Disc or Digital Versatile Disc, or nothing, has yet to hit the market after much hype and ballyhoo from the Major players (Toshiba and Warner). They are promising a first quarter 97 rollout, but we'll see what happens. Meanwhile, computer companies are gearing up for DVD-ROM players and software to hit soon after the new year. DVD-ROM is faster and can hold much more data than the current CD-ROM technology. Of course, DVD-ROM is not backward compatible (so don't think you can play all those CD-ROM games on a new DVD-ROM player). The only way this format will succeed is through the computer industry. People are looking for faster and more powerful access to information. The home entertainment industry is treating this like the tail wagging the dog. Their sales in VCR's and Laserdisc players have been waning for years. The software companies see an opportunity to resell their libraries all over again (Batman Forever in yet a new format). While DVD for home entertainment uses has lots of potential, they're going about it all wrong. And the first generation of discs will be crap. Stripped down, watered down versions of movies that don't use the format to its potential. They also may not be compatible with second generation players (thanks to the convergence of two technologies not having been hammered out completely). More info will be passed on as it arrives. The format's having many problems in the Japanese market right now, not all the discs work on all the players.

that's all folks

Well, that ends another issue. Be here next month for more reviews, news, and stuff you can't use. Hopefully, reviews of TV shows I haven't done yet this season, Daylight, the new Toy Story laserdisc box set, and whatever else floats my boats.

Be seeing you,

Joel
The Very Model Of A Modern Major General

BONUS REVIEW

My Fellow Americans - what do you get when you cross The Fugitive with Grumpy Old Men and A Clear And President Danger. You get this hysterically funny film about two ex-presidents (James Garner and Jack Lemmon) who hate each other, but find themselves on the run from the NSA when they uncover a plot by the current administration (Dan Aykroyd). Yes, the film does have something of a political message, but that can be overlooked due to the humor of the whole thing. The film also stars Wilford Brimley, Sela Ward, and Lauren Bacall (who has the best lines and should have had a bigger role). Warning: there are three really horrible digital effects near the end of the film. It's obvious that Lemmon and Garner's faces were digitally plastered over two other men riding horses. But run out and see the film anyway. You won't be disappointed.