welcome to the show
It's the extra-special-February-Empire-Strikes-Back-With-A-Vengeance-issue, in which the evil Darth Vader reveals to his son Luke Skywalker that even though it's the hot new thing running around the Empire, his adventures won't be available on DVD anytime in the near future. So without any further baloney.....here's the show....everything somehow winding up as a full frontal assault on that evil empire we all know as Warner Brothers.
the 5 worst films of 1996
5) THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT - it's time for Geena Davis to stop working with her latest husband. She's probably assuming that since her and her previous husband created screen magic (and it was before they were married), that she and her current one can replicate that magic. Well Renny Harlin ain't Jeff Goldblum. Hell Renny Harlin's barely Paul Verhoeven. This movie doesn't suck as bad as Cutthroat Island, but it does come very close. And what's with humans being able to outrun explosions. I'm tired of bullshit like this, no matter how cool it looks. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC MARCH 18
4) CHAIN REACTION - this tired retread of The Fugitive proves that it was the story and not Keanue Reeves that made Speed the hit it was (and what will make Speed 2: Cruise Control as big a pile of shit as this film). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
3) THE PALLBEARER - if ever there was an opportunity for a good film to happen, this was it. David Schwimmer is likable on TV's Friends, but here he's annoying....I mean annoyingly annoying. This tired retread of The Graduate could have been original and funny. Instead it's boring and painful. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
2) MULLHOLLAND FALLS - this film has one of the best casts in the history of movies. Nick Nolte, Chaz Palminteri, Chris Penn, Michael Madsen, John Malkovich, Melanie Griffith, Jennifer Connally, Andrew McCarthy, and Treat Williams are some of the best (except maybe Melanie) actors working today. What the hell attracted them to this crappy film noir about the Hat Squad getting involved with a murdered prostitute whose death is connected to the explosion of the A-bomb? What a waste! AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
1) SPACE JAM - brought to you by the evil empire known as Warner Brothers, this "film" is nothing more than a very long commercial for basketball, sneakers, stuffed dolls, and cheeseburgers. This film is a monument to everything that is wrong in Hollywood today. The creators of the Looney Tunes are either rolling in their graves or dropping dead over this shit. I could go on and on over this, but what's the point. The film has one saving grace: R. Kelley's song "I Believe I Can Fly" is one of the most beautiful and inspiring songs to come along in a long time. Never have I walked out of a film craving a Big Mac. I hope it never happens again. ON VIDEO MARCH 18, ON DVD MARCH 24, ON LASERDISC JULY 1
the 25 best films of 1996
25) THE FIRST WIVES CLUB - entertaining and funny. This film shows that there are still decent parts for Hollywood's older women. They're just few and far between and keep being given to the same people. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC MARCH 11
24) STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT - hey...whaddya know...this franchise could easily survive the death of James T. Kirk and still contain a good story. I'm still distressed that Picard and Data are stealing center stage again, but maybe the next one'll give the others a chance to shine (and leave Worf on DS9 where he belongs). PROJECTED VIDEO RELEASE JUNE 1997 BOTH VIDEO & LASERDISC
23) ALADDIN AND THE KING OF THIEVES - what...you don't remember this being in theaters...surprise! It wasn't. This is the second sequel to Disney's Aladdin and the third time is a charm. This direct to video film reunites Robin Williams' Genie with the rest of the cast and brings Aladdin into contact with his long lost father on the day of his wedding to Jasmine. Catch it if you can...it's still better than most other animated films (aside from Disney theatricals). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
22) THE ROCK - as action films go, this one has it all. A great cast, great special effects, and a great story (in spite of a long drawn out chase sequence that, while fun, belongs in a cartoon and not here). Connery is fine fashion as a convict who is essentially James Bond, but over the hill. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. CRITERION COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE IN APRIL
21) RANSOM - Ron Howard directs an on fire Mel Gibson in this suspense film where the good guy does an aberrant thing and turns the tables on the bad guy in a way that you'd never guess (unless you saw the previews which gave this twist away). ON VIDEO MAY 13, AVAILABLE ON LASERDISC WITH 15 MINUTES OF EXTRA FOOTAGE MAY 27
20) MATILDA - Danny DeVito, the newest master of macabre, has adapted Roald Dahl's novel for children into a wonderful film for the whole family. It's just dark enough for kids to enjoy without having nightmares forever. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. ON DVD JUNE 1997
19) JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH - Roald Dahl at the movies again, but this time he's animated by the same team that brought us The Nightmare Before Christmas. And like the previous film...it too is dark without being inaccessible to children. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. PROJECTED LASERDISC RELEASE SUMMER 1997
18) THE TRIGGER EFFECT - it's an extended Twilight Zone episode about people coping with a mysterious statewide (?) blackout. A great character study that should not be missed. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO AND LASERDISC
17) THE BIRDCAGE - hey....look...a funny comedy. There's a rarity these days. Oh...it's a remake of a French film you say. That explains it. So does the cast. Robin Williams is overshadowed by Nathan Lane here. Gene Hackman is hysterical and Hank Azaria almost steals the show. If you haven't already, see it. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
16) TRAINSPOTTING - this is one of those well made films that leaves you with an awful aftertaste IF you can finish it. It's about heroin users in Scotland, so there's lots of needles, gross bathrooms, and thick completely unintelligible Scottish brogues. If ever there were an English language film that needed subtitles, this is it. Don't see it alone or after dinner. You just might like it. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. CRITERION COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE ON MARCH 26
15) MANNY AND LO - this kiddie version of Thelma & Louise is well written, well acted, and heartwarming. Two orphaned sisters traveling cross country because they want to remain together kidnap a woman to help the teenager through her pregnancy. Highly recommended if you want to stay away from the usual Hollywood crap. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
14) WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE - another small film that examines life in junior high when you're the middle child of three and completely ignored by your parents who adore your older genius brother and your younger cuter sister. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
13) THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - Disney does it again. This is easily their most romantic and poetic animated film since Beauty And The Beast. And even though none of the songs got Oscar nominations, it's easily one of the best scores for a Disney animated classic. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. PROJECTED LASERDISC RELEASE NOVEMBER 1997
12) THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT - Milos Forman isn't quite up to his speed here, but he's tackling a contemporary real life subject. The story could have gone further into Flynt's background, but perhaps that wasn't the point. Woody Harrelson and Edward Norton are great. Courtney Love is playing what she knows best...a drug addict.
11) MOTHER - Albert Brooks creates another craftily funny comedy and gives a new lease on acting life to Debbie Reynolds (who should have been nominated for an Oscar). If you ever had a mother, you owe it to yourself to see this. And if you don't get it, you never had a mother.
10) THE YOUNG POISONER'S HANDBOOK - another small film based on a true story. A young boy becomes fascinated by what various poisons can do to the human body and decides to commit the ultimate undetectable crime by slowly poisoning members of his family. Here's the twist...he gets caught and rehabilitated, or does he? Darkly funny...if you like your funny that way. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO
09) BIG NIGHT - hey look....another small film, albeit with a name cast. Stanley Tucci (the evil Richard Cross during the first season of Murder One) and Tony Shalhoub (Antonio Scarpacci of TV's Wings) play two Italian brothers who own a small struggling restaurant. As much about sibling relationships as it is about food and art. Masterful performances by all involved. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC APRIL 22
08) EVITA - this movie should have revived the musical as a viable film genre without being animated, but it didn't and I can't explain why. Beautifully shot and edited with a wonderful score and surprisingly good acting by Madonna (and surprisingly good singing by Antonio Banderas), this film should have done better...a pity.
07) THE FRIGHTENERS - if ever there was the wrong time to open a horror film, an over-crowded crap-fest summer was it. This film undeservedly got lost in the shuffle. Michael J. Fox plays a charlatan of a ghostbuster who, with the help of his ghost friends, is trying to stop an otherworldly serial killer from taking the woman he loves from him again. Great supporting performances by Chi McBride, John Astin, Trini Alverado, and Jeffrey Coombs (in his creepiest role since Re-Animator). It's got a bit of everything for everyone and you won't be disappointed. Aussie director Peter Jackson directed (in case you want to check out his other films...particularly Heavenly Creatures). AVAILBLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. SIGNATURE COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE FALL 1997
06) MOTHER NIGHT - Nick Nolte comes of my worst films list to portray an American playwright living in Berlin at the start of World War II. The story is told completely in flashback by Nolte sitting in a cell in Israel awaiting his trial for war crimes. Nolte is approached by a CIA man about becoming a spy for the United States, but he winds up playing the part so well that he gets caught up in a downward spiral that has only one outcome. Darkly funny, yet brilliantly directed by Keith Gordon (you might remember him as Arnie in Christine or Rodney Dangerfield's son in Back To School). And yes Sheryl Lee (of Twin Peaks) does yet another topless scene. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC APRIL 22
05) FARGO - everyone's creaming the jeans over this one, but I'm bucking the trend. It only makes the five spot here because while it's good, it's not the Coen Brothers best (I like Barton Fink and The Hudsucker Proxy better). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
04) FLIRTING WITH DISASTER - another funny comedy...this time about parent-child relationships (wait wasn't Mother a funny comedy about the same thing). Ben Stiller and Patricia Arquette play new parents, but he won't name the child until he knows who his real parents are (aging hippies played by Alan Alda and Lily Tomlin). His foster parents (George Segal and Mary Tyler Moore) object to his quest which is helped along by screwy, sexy social worker Tea Leoni. ON VIDEO MARCH 25. ON LASERDISC APRIL 9
03) JERRY MAGUIRE - I rarely cry at movies, but this one moved me (and not in the same way that Glory and Schindler's List did). Tom Cruise, who proved he could act in Born On The Fourth Of July, extends his talents here. Jerry Maguire is a sports talent agent who decides that he and his co-workers are greedy bastards, he writes a memo and has a change of heart, but his whole world falls apart. He's fired (by a guy he trained), his fiancee and him break up, and all but one of his clients leave. His new secretary admires him for his new beliefs and they slowly fall in love. She has a kid and we're never quite sure what he's up to with this new relationship, but it's obvious that he at least loves the kid. For the rest see the movie.
02) BOUND - a crime film in the same vain as The Usual Suspects since all we know from the beginning is that somehow Gina Gershon will wind up tied up and gagged in a closet. How does she get there? Well it has something to do with a lot of money that she and Jennifer Tilly may have stolen from Tilly's mob boyfriend, but then again....maybe it doesn't. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
01) CRASH - what's this....I don't remember this being in theaters in 1996. Well folks, it wasn't. Thanks to Ted Turner's merge with the evil empire known as Warner Brothers, only the United States has yet to see this film. It's already turned a profit overseas and was nominated for 2 Genie Awards (Canada's equivalent of the Oscar). And they weren't paltry Genies...they were Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay (I unfortunately don't remember if it won). It also got the Jury Prize 1996's Cannes Film Festival. And did I mention every country where it opened people tried to ban or censor it? Why? Because the film is about sex....and death. James Spader plays James Ballard, a married man who gets off on having sex in cars...near cars....around cars. His wife's the same way. And one night they get into an accident with a man (who dies) and discover an even greater sexual turn on. And then they discover, through the dead man's wife (Holly Hunter), that there's a whole group of people who have a similar "problem". Elias Coteas is a doctor who heads a group of "artists" who re-enact famous car crashes (like the one that killed James Dean). Ted Turner didn't want anyone to see this film until after Warner Brothers had sold off New Line/Fine Line to a third party. It hasn't happened yet, but the film opens at the end of March. Yes....this film is sick, twisted, and disturbing. But it's also daring, audacious, and thought-provoking. Try getting all of that out of Space Jam the next time you go to the movies.
file-o-philes
For those of you who are fans of The X-Files you may not know that Fox Home Video has been systematically releasing the best of each season on both videotape and laserdisc. So far we've gotten half (the best, I guess) of season one and a quarter of season two (with another quarter scheduled for May). There are two episodes per video and each contains an introduction by creator Chris Carter as well as two trading cards. Here's the rundown (in the order they were released...three videos to a group...the last three listed will be out in May):
SEASON ONE
Pilot/Deep Throat (Episode 1)
Conduit/Ice (Episodes 3 & 7)
Fallen Angel/Eve (Episodes 9 & 10)
Squeeze/Tooms (Episodes 2 & 20)
Beyond The Sea/E.B.E. (Episodes 12 & 16)
Darkness Falls/The Erlenmeyer Flask (Episodes 19 & 23)
SEASON TWO
Little Green Men/The Host (Episodes 1 & 2)
Sleepless/Duane Barry (Episodes 4 & 5)
Ascension/One Breath (Episodes 6 & 8)
Irresistible/Die Hand Der Verletzt (Episodes 13 & 14)
Colony/End Game (Episodes 16 & 17)
Humbug/Anasazi (Episodes 20 & 25)
So far it seems that most of the episodes being released are the "Conspiracy Arc" episodes. These are the episodes in which Mulder and Scully search for the "truth" about alien contact with humans (not all of the episodes fall here though...the rest are just great stories). Even though you can get Japanese laserdisc box sets of the complete run of each season (all the way to the middle of season three so far), Fox Home Video cannot release the entire run of the show here in the U.S. until after the show has finished it's run in syndication. And that may be a while since starting in September FX will be the only channel showing reruns for three years exclusively (like they're currently doing with Picket Fences). After that it has to go into regular syndication before these "missing" video episodes can start showing up...Oh well. In the meantime...a prediction: September 1997 sees the release of the first half of the best of season three which will contain the following three tapes: The Blessing Way/Paper Clip, Nisei/731, and Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose/an undetermined story. May 1998 sees the release of the second half of the best of season three which will contain the following tapes: Piper Maru/Apocrypha, War Of The Coprophages/Jose Chung's "From Outer Space, and an undetermined story/Talitha Cumi.
All video tapes can be bought in box sets of three (in the groups they were released in). The laserdiscs for wave one have trading cards for those episodes. Wave Two laserdiscs have no trading cards. Wave Three laserdiscs should have trading cards for wave two and wave three episodes (but there were some major screwups which I won't get into here...if you have a problem contact Fox Home Video)
the empire strikes another goldmine
Well, if you haven't been in a cave for the last three months, you know that 20th Century Fox and George Lucas have been systematically remastering and re-releasing the Star Wars Trilogy. The middle film was the best film. The middle film is now an even better film and there were minor changes made. Like it's predecessor, Star Wars: Special Edition, The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition has had it's entire soundtrack remixed (a bit too loud from what I understand...I thought it was just the theater I saw it in, but it's apparently a problem popping up all over) and all the special effects digitally remastered. Matte lines, which were evident before, have been cleaned up and made invisible. However, unlike Star Wars: Special Edition, this film has not had any added footage. There was no footage to put back. Instead what we've gotten is a wonder to behold. First on the ice planet Hoth, we get a good close look at the Wampa as it feasts on Luke's Tauntaun. Then we get a good look at it screaming after Luke severs it's arm (and...as someone pointed out it foreshadows Luke's losing his hand and shows us that the lightsaber cauterizes the wound as it strikes...yeah..okay). More importantly, during the scenes on Bespin's Cloud City, we get some amazing special effects work. Sterile white walls have been changed to picture windows and balconies. Now, in almost every shot, you can see the outside of the Cloud City as people are walking inside. It's a bigger and airier place and it's a wonder to behold. Not so effective is a scene that was added for no real reason. Darth Vader leaves the city he now tells his troopers to inform his Star Destroyer for his arrival (in a line James Earl Jones had to record new for this version). We then get an impressive shot of Vader and company walking across a Cloud City platform to Vader's waiting shuttle. From there things get pointless. We see Vader's shuttle take off, go into space, and then dock in the shuttle bay of his Star Destroyer. However, the docking bay footage is actually an outtake from Return Of The Jedi because it is Moff Jerjerrod who greets Vader in that film and here he is waiting in Vader's Star Destroyer. It's too too obvious that it's an outtake from the third film and it interrupts the flow of events during this film's end. Oh well....it's still the best (and why couldn't they digitally change Han's shirt in his close ups in the carbon freezing chamber, it's all white in long shots, but it looks like he's also got a black vest over it in close ups).
three new tv shows to catch before they're gone
Spy Game -- comes from the creative minds behind Hercules and Xena (film director Sam Raimi is one of the producers of all three shows). This show is a mixture of just about every '60's spy show if they had been updated for the '90's. The actors are likable and don't take the stories (or their jobs) too seriously. The show's fun and entertaining and probably won't last much farther beyond it's trial run this season.
Just Shoot Me - this is the living definition of mixed emotions because I HATE David Spade! Here's an unfunny comedian (using the term loosely) whose fifteen minutes of fame ended about three years ago. This man is almost single-handedly responsible for the downfall of Saturday Night Live. However, I LOVE the rest of the cast and the concept. Maya (the beautifully sexy Laura San Giacomo) is down on her luck and reluctantly contacts the father she hasn't spoken to in a year (George Segal) who married a high school classmate of hers. They attempt to reconcile and she winds up working for him at his fashion magazine with hopes of making it more than a fluff rag. Wendie Malik (from HBO's Dream On) plays the tainted and bitter old fashion model who is the magazine's marketing and advertising exec. Enrico Collanti (I probably spelled his name wrong and couldn't find a TV guide, but he is best known as the stupid, yet lovable Louis Utz from the unjustly murdered comedy Hope & Gloria) plays the fashion photographer who seems to have the good on everyone and knows how to press everyone's buttons (especially Wendie Malik's). George Segal is in fine form as the slightly daffy, uncaring father and publisher. Oh yeah! David Spade plays his faggy annoying assistant who I hope dies a horrible death soon (please G-d)!
The Practice - David Kelly strikes gold a third time with this wonderful new show about lawyers in a small time, down-on-it's-luck law firm. Dylan McDermott stars as the head of the firm and hopefully Linda Hunt and Edward Herrmann will make more than just token appearances as a judge and a professor/lawyer/mentor of one of our heroes. Like Picket Fences and Chicago Hope this show seems poised to tackle today's hard-hitting and though-provoking issues in an entertaining, yet provocative manner. Hopefully Mr. Kelly will stay on board for a while (He left Picket Fences during it's third season and the show lost it's focus and never recovered so CBS canceled it after 4 seasons. He left Chicago Hope during it's second season and it has yet to recover...bring back Kelly or Mandy Patinkin please). If he doesn't and turns it over to people not involved in it's creation, it could lose it's edge (you know I just realized you could write a whole article about TV shows whose creators left midway only to have the shows crap out).
the titanic will be docking in less than a month
In case you've been on Mars (or haven't been watching NBC's Must See TV), the new technology known as DVD-Video (how redundant...perhaps) is about to break loose on the unsuspecting public. DVD stands for Digital Video Disc or Digital Versatile Disc (depending on who you ask) and it's designed to do some amazing things. Many hardware companies will be making players (only Pioneer is smart enough to make a combi-player that also handles the current high-end format of choice Laserdiscs). Only a handful of studios will be making software available (and even they can't agree on how to do it....sell through or rental priced....jewel case or new packaging....day and date with tape or weeks or months later). Warner is the most gung ho and will be releasing about 40 titles by the beginning of summer (some are Warner titles, some are MGM/UA titles, later they'll do some HBO titles), but the rollout starts at the end of March. Sony will be releasing Columbia and TriStar titles in batches of four every few months starting in April. Polygram will release some catalog stuff at sell-through in April or May, but new titles (The Portrait Of A Lady named specifically) will be rental priced. Oh...some stores have already started selling players (no software in the marketplace though) and Warner's titles will only be available in seven cities until summertime when it might expand to fifteen or twenty. So what can this second coming of Christ do, you ask? Well, it's a digitally compressed picture with digitally compressed sound on a five inch disc. Each disc can hold up to 135 minutes on one side and each side can be given two layers...so that's a lot of information (not that any of the initial batch will come close to doing this). Each disc can contain up to eight subtitle tracks and eight dubbed tracks (so foreign films can be watched either way...or you could buy a disc here in the states of Batman Forever and take it to France and watch it in their native language either dubbed or subtitled....Oh wait....you can't do that.....there's a country code lock in the players and discs that prevents what could have been a neat marketing tool....this is so the studios don't lose their precious worldwide theatrical distribution pipelines). You can also get perfect digital still frame access on the movies. They can cram extras like you get on laserdiscs: text, audio commentary, still photos, trailers, you name it. They can even put a pan&scan, a letterboxed widescreen, and an anamorphic widescreen version all on one disc (anamorphic is for those rectangular TV's we're all supposed to have bought by now). You can even encode the disc so that at a touch of a button a parent can put on The Exorcist for their six-year-old and they'll get all the nasty, violent, scary, sexy parts edited out (is that Scorsese and Allen rolling in their graves). You can even put alternate camera angles from Lethal Weapon on the disc and let the viewer choose angles (I think Hitchcock just died...again). Of course, it'll be a while before the studios start implementing any of this stuff. So in the meantime sit back and watch your DVD's on your computer monitor like a good sheep....the way movies were meant to be seen....digitally compressed into a bleary, smudgy, streaky mess (like Digital Satellite Dishes) on a small nine inch VGA monitor with two small speakers on your sound board. Like Toshiba's ads say...you've senses, use them. They obviously didn't use the most important one....common.
next issue blurb
Return with us, as the Jedi, do to a time from high school when we all remembered that Goonies were good enough and Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper were cartoon characters on CBS as well as in the wrestling ring. That's right folks an article on professional wrestling (I know I should be embarrassed). Also...the annual look at Oscar picks. A review of Private Parts and a whole lotta other stuff (possibly even the second half of that laserdisc article from last month).
Until then....TTFN....and be seeing you
Joel Fenster
