welcome to hell
April showers brought Waylan Flowers and Madame out here on the East Coast (and no I'm not gonna explain that one.....). And so begins another mighty issue of the all-encompassing, all-knowing, all-bullshit Fountain. This month brings movie reviews a plenty (well...maybe just one or two), the return of the notable quotables (which we haven't seen in quite sometime), and a new feature entitled "How'd You Like That Cooked" (this will cover rumors and other crap cooked up on the internet about various movies).....but first let's talk about...
the boob tube
Now that the 1996-1997 TV season is over....let's look back (and ahead) and see what happened (and what's to come). We'll do this network by network...show by show....and start at the top of the heap with NBC.
The Peacock network dominated the year with their "Can't Avoid TV" promos which pushed their flailing and stupidly moronic knock-off comedies. Monday Nights' Mr. Rhodes and the transplanted from ABC Jeff Foxworthy Show brought yawns of a different kind to America. Tuesdays were bolstered by the returning (but starting to wane) Mad About You, the always funny Frasier, and the mildly amusing, but'll grow on you Caroline In The City. These show sandwiched the surprisingly engaging Something So Right - a 90's version of The Brady Bunch with mixed families. Naturally NBC didn't renew this winner for the 1997-1998 season. Wednesdays saw an early death for The John Larroquette Show and a near death experience for Newsradio. Surprisingly, Wings survived the odds and ended a nine year run and even more surprisingly Men Behaving Badly got renewed for a second season (they must have paid a SHITLOAD of money for this pathetic concept. Thursdays saw new shows Suddenly Susan, The Naked Truth (another ABC transplant), and Fired Up all do their part in bridging time between the juggernauts that's Friends, Seinfeld, and ER for those that don't know). Fridays highlight remained Homicide. Saturdays saw the "Thrillogy" of Dark Skies, The Pretender, and The Profiler. Two of the three were worth anything. Third Rock From The Sun and Boston Common held Sundays as best they could (Common even became funny with the addition of Roger Rees, but it was a day late and a dollar short). Mid-season replacements included the amusing Just Shoot Me and the not quite so amusing, but it won't kill us Chicago Sons. Oh yeah...The Single Guy floundered on a couple of different nights (with several new cast additions) and Dateline filled up every other available timeslot. (Yes...some of you are going "What about Law And Order?"...well it's still there...but I watch the reruns on A&E instead of the new ones on NBC....it's my drama version of Wings on USA).
Next season on NBC looks like this (new shows are in bold):
MONDAY is "Ladies Who Helped Thursday Night But Probably Can't Stand On Their Own": Suddenly Susan at 8/Fired Up at 8:30/Caroline In The City at 9/The Naked Truth at 9:30/Dateline at 10
TUESDAY is "The Best Night We Currently Got For At Least Two Hours": Mad About You at 8/Newsradio at 8:30/Frasier at 9/Just Shoot Me at 9:30/Dateline at 10
WEDNESDAY is "We Couldn't Think Of Anywhere Else To Put The Aliens Night": The Tony Danza Show at 8/Built To Last at 8:30/Third Rock From The Sun at 9/Working at 9:30/Law & Order at 10
THURSDAY is "MUST SEE TV OR ELSE WE'LL THROW OTHER CRAPPY SHIT FILLED SHOWS AT YOU": Friends at 8/Union Square at 8:30/Seinfeld at 9/Veronica's Closet at 9:30/ER at 10
FRIDAY is "Go Out And Do Something Instead Of Staying At Home Like A Couch Potato Night": Players at 8/Dateline at 9/Homicide at 10
SATURDAY is "Nowhere Man Connection Night": The Pretender at 8 (this show FELT like Nowhere Man)/Sleepwalkers at 9 (this show stars Bruce Greenwood...star of Nowhere Man)/The Profiler at 10 (this show was created by Larry Herzog...creator of...guess what)
SUNDAY is "Crap Night"; Dateline at 7/Men Behaving Badly at 8/Jenny at 8:30/NBC Sunday Night At The Movies at 9
I'm not going to do rundowns of the new shows. The one to catch is Sleepwalkers. The others are all shitty sitcoms with fading stars (Tony Danza, Kirstie Alley, Jenny McCarthy).
Over on the #2 network CBS there was a whole lotta nothing going on. Murphy Brown added Lily Tomlin and saw Garry Marshall and Paul Reubens return a few times to keep the show funny. Dave's World managed to hang on one more season before being put out of it's misery. The Nanny got more crass and more funny. Chicago Hope finally started to find its footing after another tumultuous season beginning. Two Cheers cast members returned to TV with one half of a former Hollywood couple (Ted Danson with Mary Steenburgen and Rhea Pearlman with Malcolm McDowell) and they both died long slow deaths. Cosby returned and for some reason Everybody Loves Raymond (thaaat's riiight....so do I though). Next Season looks like this:
MONDAY: Cosby at 8/Everybody Loves Raymond at 8:30/Cybill at 9/George & Leo (Bob Newhart returns) at 9:30/Brooklyn South (hey look Steven Bochco made a cop drama) at 10
TUESDAY: JAG at 8/Michael Hayes (David Caruso returns to TV after a long successful film career) at 9/Dellaventura (Danny Aiello falls onto TV after a long successful film career) at 10
WEDNESDAY: The Nanny at 8/Murphey Brown at 8:30/Bryant Gumble News Program (self explanatory) at 9/Chicago Hope at 10
THURSDAY: Promised Land at 8/Diagnosis Murder at 9/48 Hours at 10
FRIDAY is "We Stole ABC's TGIF Lineup Night": Family Matters at 8/Meego at 8:30 (Bronson Pinchot returns to TV...although I don't think he ever left)/The Gregory Hines Show at 9/Step By Step at 9:30/Nash Bridges at 10
SATURDAY: Dr. Quinn at 8/Early Edition at 9/Walker, Texas Ranger at 10
SUNDAY: 60 Minutes at 7/Touched By An Angel at 8/Movie at 9
ABC became #3 (or #4 if you ask FOX...but they're not a real network) and with good reason. Their hit shows started to suck, they still don't know quality and what to do with it, and you couldn't get them to change their ways if you held a gun to their head. Murder One miraculously was given a second season which was akin to a death sentence. It eventually went out the way it came in (with a whimper filled with solid writing and acting). Roseanne ended her run by ripping off Dallas and St. Elsewhere in an attempt to explain a painfully unfunny season. Coach also ended it's run, but like NBC's Wings most people thought it had been canceled a long time ago. Arsenio returned to TV in an expensive show that flopped and was NOT renewed at all....not even as a mid-season replacement. And Ellen finally came out of the fucking closet to a slew of stupid publicity (the entire town Roseanne takes place in has been gay for years!) The only hit show was Spin City which currently has a stay of execution (but on a new night).Mid-season's run of David E. Kelley's The Practice gave Kelley a hat trick (with Picket Fences and Chicago Hope), but it's been relegated to Saturdays where Twin Peaks died eons ago. ABC had renewed Lois And Clark for two seasons a year ago, but it dropped so far in the ratings, they'd rather piss away the money than air the damn show. And what happened to Muppets Tonight from two seasons ago? ABC held three episodes and ordered 13 more. As of this date, they have yet to air and are not on tap for fall. Next season reads like this:
MONDAY: Timecop at 8/Monday Night Football at 9 (we'll see what happens in this slot when football season's over)
TUESDAY: Soul Man at 8/Over The Top at 8:30 (Tim Curry on TV)/Home Improvement at 9/Hiller And Diller at 9:30/NYPD Blue at 10
WEDNESDAY: Spin City at 8 (here's a mistake waiting to happen)/Dharma & Greg at 8:30/The Drew Carey Show at 9/Ellen at 9:30/Prime Time Live at 10
THURSDAY: Nothing Sacred at 8/Cracker at 9/20-20 at 10
FRIDAY: Sabrina at 8/Boy Meets World at 8:30/Genie at 9/Teen Angel at 9:30/20-20 at 10
SATURDAY is "You Can Tell We Like These Shows Cause We're Airing Them When Nobody's Fucking at Home And If They Are They're Watching NBC or CBS Anyway Night": C-16: FBI at 8/Total Security at 9 (a Steven Bochco drama with Jim Belushi)/The Practice at 10
SUNDAY: Wonderful World Of Disney at 7/ABC Sunday Night Movie at 9 (which really means two movies back to back...one just happens to be either animated or family oriented)
Grace Under Fire and Painful Harm Comes To Pets And Children While Grown Men Get Kicked In The Crotch (otherwise known as America's Funniest Home Videos) will return when on or more of the new shows die quickly (or an old show dies slowly).
Fox is the only network whose Fall Schedule makes any sense. Married With Children ended a run long enough to put it in the ranks with Cheers and MASH. Sliders returned yet again and became a one note joke to see what movie we can base a planet on (Jurassic Park, Interview With A Vampire, Night Of The Living Dead all come to mind), but it won't be back again. Millennium has yet to be the show it's been advertised as (a cross between The X-Files and the movie Seven....so far it's just the latter). King Of The Hill joined The Simpsons to make up the funniest animated hour on TV (and that would include putting Friends and Seinfeld back to back).
MONDAY: Melrose Place at 8/ Ally McBeal at 9 (another David E. Kelley lawyer show...four well written shows could be pushing it)
TUESDAY: Movie at 8
WEDNESDAY: Beverly Hills 90210 at 8/Party Of Five at 9
THURSDAY: Rewind at 8/Between Brothers at 8:30/413 Hope Street at 9 (Damon Wayans produced this teen crisis center show)
FRIDAY: The Visitor at 8/Millennium at 9
SATURDAY: Cops at 8/America's Most Wanted at 9
SUNDAY "If We Could Find Something Of Quality For 7pm We'd Have The Greatest Night On TV In History": World's Funniest..... at 7/The Simpsons at 8/King Of The Hill at 8:30/The X-Files at 9
Even though UPN and The WB aren't full networks yet, I'll talk about them as I can. UPN is trying hard. Their best rated show is Star Trek: Voyager which is gold just cause of it's title, but the show sucks (see the new column about what's going on here). The Sentinel is fun. The rest of their line up is adequate for a startup network. They will be expanding to Thursdays mid-season with a two hour Sci-Fi movie block and the rumors are running hot and heavy (Nowhere Man, Doctor Who and Star Trek: Excelsior all seem to be coming to this, but I'd doubt them all right now). The WB is even less of a network...all sitcoms and crappy dramas. The only high point here was the mid-season addition of Buffy The Vampire Slayer which should be shunted to Fox on Sundays at 7 (IMHO). They even axed Brotherly Love (a guilty pleasure of mine) which they had stolen from NBC. The fall looks like this for both:
MONDAY WB: 7th Heaven at 8/Buffy The Vampire Slayer at 9
MONDAY UPN: In The House at 8/Malcolm & Eddie at 8:30/Good News at 9/Sparks at 9:30
TUESDAY WB starting mid-season: Dawson's Creek at 8/Three at 9
TUESDAY UPN: Clueless (stolen from ABC) at 8/Moesha at 8:30/Hitz at 9/Head Over Heels at 9:30
WEDNESDAY WB: Sister, Sister at 8/Smart Guy at 8:30/The Jamie Foxx Show at 9/The Wayans Brothers at 9:30
WEDNESDAY UPN: The Sentinel at 8/Star Trek: Voyager at 9
THURSDAY WB: No programming
THURSDAY UPN: Thursday Night Sci-Fi Movie at 8
FRIDAY WB: No programming
FRIDAY UPN: No programming
SATURDAY WB: No programming
SATURDAY UPN: No programming
SUNDAY WB: The Parent'hood at 7/Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher at 7:30/The Steve Harvey Show at 8/Unhappily Ever After at 8:30/The Tom Show at 9 (yes....Tom Arnold returns to TV)/Ocean Drive at 9:30
SUNDAY UPN: No programming
UPN also has a backup show called Ruby starring David Faustino (he found work quickly after Married With Children's demise) and the voice of Whoopi Goldberg as a puppet.
Well there you have it. This is what you can look forward to next fall on TV. A whole lotta nothing....or the same old nothing....depends on how you look at it.
brush up your shakespeare
Over the last year or so, we've gotten a deluge of movies based on Shakespearean plays. I'm going to take a look at a few of them:
Hamlet - never before has Shakespeare's greatest play been done on the screen in it's entirety. And frankly there were good reasons for this. Kenneth Branagh stars, directs and wrote (and got an Oscar nomination for this one....shouldn't that have gone to Shakespeare?). It is a grandly visual film, but quite frankly it's so slow that it almost comes to a screeching halt in a number of spots before picking up again for an action packed ending. Cameos abound here and most of them are just gimmicky (like Gerard Depardieu who plays Reynaldo, Polonius' manservant, who has like six lines all of which read "yes my lord"....what a waste of talent). At 4 hours and 2 minutes, this is a Hamlet that should not have to be.
William Shakespeare's Romeo And Juliet - now here's how Shakespeare needs to be done for today. Cut the text to it's most important passages, jazz it up with some cool techno funky type music, and keep the shots short and sweet. Great story, great film. The film stars Leonardo Dicaprio, Claire Danes, Paul Sorvino, Brian Dennehy, and Pete Postlethwaite. This will make a great Shakespeare double bill with Richard III (see review below).
Twelfth Night - I got to see this performed in Central Park years ago with a great cast (Jeff Goldblum, Michelle Pfeiffer, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Stephen Collins, Fisher Stevens, John Amos, and Gregory Hines). It's a funny play once you get into it. That cast made things more accessible. This cast (Ben Kingsley, Mel Smith, Richard E Grant, and Helena Bonham Carter) make things drag for a while before the film starts to get even remotely funny. Miss this unless you really need to see it. Someday there'll be a better version (I hope).
Richard III - like Baz Lurman's Romeo & Juliet this is how Shakespeare should be done for the big screen today. A large "name" cast with the text cut to its minimum and the story moved to a different time and place. Here it's 1930's England under fascist rule. Ian McKellen makes a truly horrifying Richard III. The supporting cast includes Annette Benning, Robert Downey, Jr., and Nigel Hawthorne.
Looking For Richard - this makes a nice companion piece to the above film. Al Pacino directed this "documentary" about the attraction we have to Shakespeare. He's sprinkled it liberally with scenes from Richard III and interviews with various famous actors and Shakespearean scholars. An interesting film at least.
secret....agent man
Mike Meyers has finally found something to sink his teeth into without resorting to using characters he developed on Saturday Night Live. His newest film, Austin Powers, International Man Of Mystery, is one of the goofiest films ever made. And that's definitely not a bad thing. This film is everything Spy Hard should have been (hell...it's everything Casino Royale should have been). Meyers plays Powers, a superspy from the '60's, who is cryogenically frozen after his arch-enemy Dr. Evil (also played by Meyers) freezes himself. Both men get defrosted in the '90's and have a hell of a time adjusting to changes. Elizabeth Hurley plays Miss Kensington, Austin's new partner and daughter of his former lover Mrs. Kensington (played by Mimi Rogers). Where the older Kensington is a product of the swinging '60's, where a woman could easily love a nebbish as nerdy as Austin, the younger Kensington is a product of the '90's (and can't stand Austin's bad teeth). The film is rife with dead-on Bond jokes (in fact the plot is almost a rip-off of Thunderball - could this be yet another remake of that tired story?). We have a giant Asian henchman known as Random Task, a femme fatale with the sexually suggestive name of Alotta Fagina (okay it's not very suggestive...in fact it's pretty blunt), and Dr. Evil (who looks like Donald Pleasance's Blofeld from You Only Live Twice) even strokes a cat (a hairless one....as the freezing process and revival has caused Mr. Bigglesworth to lose all his hair). If you're looking for a film that's purely entertaining and a whole lot of shagging fun, you could do worse than see this one.
how'd you like that cooked?
Welcome to a brand new feature where I'll be posting various rumors and facts (depending on how you look at them) that pertain to upcoming movies, upcoming TV show episodes, and anything else that falls into this category. So without further ado....here we go:
Tomorrow Never Dies - this is the 18th James Bond film and it stars Pierce Brosnan, Michelle Yoeh, Teri Hatcher, Jonathan Pryce, Judi Dench (M), Desmond Llewelyn (Q), Samantha Bond (Moneypenny), and Joe Don Baker (returning as the CIA's Jack Wade). Pryce plays a media mogul who'd rather destroy Hong Kong than see it turned over to the Chinese. Hatcher's his wife Paris who knows Bond from her past. Yoeh is a Hong Kong policewoman helping Bond. Roger Spottiswood directs. Now for the rumors: REM is doing the theme song (NOT), Kate Bush is doing the theme song (NOT), Duran Duran is doing the them song (maybe.....????), Bond commits suicide and/or murder (????), Brosnan will only do two more Bond films after this (yes....he stated it on The Tonight Show). The movie opens on December 23 (maybe United Artists would like it earlier)
Godzilla - has started shooting in NY. Stars Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Hank Azaria.....comes from the team that gave us Stargate and Independence Day
Superman Lives - Tim Burton directs Nicholas Cage as the new "electric" Man Of Steel (from the current comics), Patrick Stewart as Brainiac, Jack Nicholson as Lex Luthor, and Michael Keaton in an extended cameo as Batman. The script is by Kevin Smith. Smith did write a script that supposedly is incredible, but it had nothing to do with the current comic book. Burton and Cage are signed. Burton hired someone (Akiva Goldsman???...the person who scripted Batman's last two outings) to rewrite Smith's script. Christopher Reeve will have some role in front of or behind the camera. IMHO this film has "SUCKS BIGTIME" written all over it
Star Trek 9 (Star Trek: The Next Generation Movie 3) - Patrick Stewart IS already signed (remember he's the one who signed last for First Contact). Michael Piller is writing the script. Some of the Deep Space Nine cast will have large parts (????...script isn't written yet). The film will be shot in IMAX (nope....but there will be a separate Trek film in IMAX with some or all of the four shows casts).
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - 1997-1998 season is its last. Worf and Dax will marry. Sisko and Kassidy Yates will marry.
Star Trek: Voyager - Jennifer Lien (Kes) is leaving the show. Garret Wong (Harry Kim) is leaving the show. A Half Borg female will be joining the crew. The last two are unconfirmed rumors, but all three would help improve this show. Janeway and Chakotay should hook up again and the Doctor should go crazy and take over the ship for at least an episode.
Batman: Gotham Nights - is the name of the animated show when it returns in September. Dick Grayson becomes Nightwing. There'll be a new Robin. It'll be the same or a bit lighter (we'll know for sure when the damn thing airs). There will be 21 new episodes alternating weekdays with Superman and on Saturdays after the Man Of Steel.
Batman 5 - to be called Batman Triumphant, directed by Joel Schumacher, starring George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell as Batman and Robin. The villains will be Scarecrow (Michael J. Fox or Howard Stern depending on what you hear....both are false) and Harley Quinn (Jenny McCarthy or Sandra Bullock depending on what you hear) and/or Mad Hatter (Mel Gibson.....the only sane casting choice rumored about)
UPN's Mid-Season Sci-Fi Movie Thursdays - there will be a movie every Thursday, but half will be theatricals that UPN has gotten their hands on. The other half will be original sci-fi films. The big rumor is that Universal will make a second Doctor Who film as a test for a series and UPN will put it here (don't count on it.....but Philip Segal's offices are now on the Paramount lot...and Universal's option doesn't run out until the end of the year). UPN has also promised Nowhere Man a few telefilms so they could go here, but Bruce Greenwood and Larry Herzog are busy with new shows. And the long rumored "Adventures Of Captain Sulu" show could wind up being tested here (I hope not)!
an old fashioned hollywood musical of a different kind
Last year, Turner Animation released a very simple, yet fairly entertaining cartoon called Cats Don't Dance. Nobody saw it. It will be coming out on video in August (and yes...it's at an affordable price...if you're interested, but I'd suggest renting before buying). The story concerns a cat named Danny (voiced by Scott Bakula) who goes to Hollywood to live his dream of becoming a singing and dancing Hollywood star. When he gets there, he meets a number of other animals who have all been beaten by the system and have given up their dreams. He reinvigorates them, but they are unfortunately on the wrong side of Hollywood's sweetheart Darla Dimples (lover of children and animals...NOT). Darla and her behemoth of a butler, Max do their best to get all the animals kicked out of showbiz. But of course Danny and his friends triumph in the end. It's a fun film with fun songs and it hearkens back to old time Hollywood musicals like Singin' In The Rain (the film is even dedicated to Gene Kelley). This is about as good as animation gets if it ain't from Disney, so if you like this sort of thing, you owe it to yourself to catch it.
someone left the cake out in the rain
Before I get to the nitty gritty of this review, let me state up front that The Lost World: Jurassic Park is a fun entertaining, roller-coaster ride of a film that you'll find a fun way to spend two hours at a movie theater.
That said, let me explain why I don't like this film as a film. Speilberg is going through the motions here and it shows. Sure you're on the edge of your seat most of the time, but you've been there before (like in Jaws) and with a better story and more rounded characters. The problem this film has lies with it's source material. Not the novel The Lost World upon which it is loosely based, but the original Michael Crichton novel, Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is arguably Crichton's best book. It's a gripping story propelled by well rounded characters. The book was made into a movie (directed by Speilberg, written by Crichton and David Koepp) where the basic plot and characters were retained, but they were drained of all dimensionality. Lawyer bad...grandfather good....kids in way....scientists in awe, but knowing this is a bad idea....this is how the characters became in the film. Now, while the first film was a lot of fun, it was not the book. And there was no real reason it shouldn't have been the book. It had a great cast and a masterful director. For whatever reasons, the film was disappointing (to me), but it made a shitload of money. This is Hollywood terms means "Let's make a sequel". But Crichton needed to write a book first. His book The Lost World is a sequel to the movie more than a sequel to the book (Ian Malcolm - Goldblum's character - dies in the first book). But more than that it's sloppy writing from a great writer (so was Twister). Crichton didn't have a hand in the screenplay. David Koepp wrote it alone, but you know he a Crichton had breakfast before either started writing because there are so many similarities. And there are so many interesting concepts in both book and film, that it becomes even more disappointing that some aren't pushed and used to great effect (the safari hunter Roland Tembo - movie - chameleon dinosaurs - book - the whole concept of just what a "Lost World" is - both). Here we get what is essentially a reptilian remake of King Kong that isn't as deep or as exciting (and yes the T-Rex is brought to the mainland to be oooohhed and aaaahhhed by stupid humans who'll end up be trampled) crossed with a strange mix of the original book (Hammond's nephew somehow is exactly how Hammond acted in the original novel...we also get to meet Compys, a very mischievous, yet dangerous breed of dino that was all over the original book). I could go on and on about how ultimately disappointing this movie is because of what it could easily have been. To paraphrase Ian Malcolm here: "This is a overblown, badly executed idea in a long sad Hollywood history of overblown, badly executed ideas". Unfortunately, Malcolm's reference implied that his would be the last. We have a whole summer ahead of us filled with disappointing crap like this.
watch this space
Next month I will be starting a new column in which I give in depth analysis to movies than have been released on video with extra footage. Why was the footage cut? Why was it inserted in? Who's idea was it? And why are most of these available only on laserdisc? Expect answers to all of these questions next month as I kick off this column with a review of Ransom whose laserdisc release contain about 18 minutes of extra footage. This will be followed up by Scream (9 minutes extra), Dead Poets Society (15 minutes extra), Pretty Woman (15 minutes extra), JFK (17 minutes extra), and Natural Born Killers (4 minutes extra). After that I'll tackle some other "extended versions" (like Superman, Needful Things, and Dances With Wolves.....a loooonnnnggg way away cause I'm dreading the research on that one). I will not be covering films covered elsewhere (specifically things in Video Watchdog like Dune, Highlander, The Abyss, Aliens, Legend, and Blade Runner), but that may change even further into the future.
digital venue dissected
Well, I've finally had the opportunity to examine DVD first hand in my own home. The results are mixed at best. Picture quality was sharper and brighter than laserdisc, but only mildly and only truly noticeable on my 80 inch ProScan TV. Of course it blew VHS out of the water. The sound quality was a bit lower than laserdisc. I do not have a Dolby Digital set-up, but the Dolby Pro-Logic didn't sound as loud or as bright as laserdiscs. I made comparisons on several of the Warner titles (Batman, Interview With A Vampire, and Lethal Weapon to name three) and they all had the same results. The "supplementary" features left a lot to be desired. The production notes and filmographies for cast members were interesting, but the "If You Liked This, Try Watching...." Sections reeked of stupidity and bad advertising (they old showed you cover art for the suggested titles). There is still so much inconsistency in this format, that I can't recommend it yet. There are a lot of kinks to be worked out before I plunk down $500 bucks for a machine. The jump between laserdisc and DVD just isn't great enough to be justified, especially since four major studios are still sitting the game out (Paramount, Universal, Fox, and Disney) in spite of any internet rumors you hear to the contrary. Some questions to be pondered: why does MGM/UA put the widescreen and pan&scan versions on one side of a dual layered disc and Warner use two sides (one layer) when they're supposedly the same company? Why does Warner put out pan&scan only versions of films that have letterboxed versions of laserdisc? Why can't Warner offer a pan&scan version on films longer than 135 minutes by putting the widescreen on one dual layered side and the pan&scan on the other dual layered side? Why does Columbia/TriStar only put one version or the other on a one-sided disc instead of offering both? Why doesn't Columbia/TriStar put any supplements on their discs other than using the not very useful unless you're deaf or don't speak English subtitling and dubbing features? Why are Lumivision and Simitar even bothering when their product is so inferior it could kill the format alone? Why am I still going on about something like this when I have better things to do?
never say goodbye
Well that's the end of another issue. Even though I said the notable quotables would return, it hasn't....but it will. Next month more summer movie reviews, some video reviews, an in depth article on Batman in all his incarnations with a review of the new film (but not one of the new animated film Sub-Zero unless I can get an advanced copy.....I had been contemplating holding the June issue until mid-July to include this, but the release of Sub-Zero's been pushed to October...so that's no longer an option), the long awaited review of Raymond Benson's Zero Minus Ten (I haven't finished it yet), a review of some Doctor Who books, the Ransom comparison and the usual dreck and crap.
Be seeing you,
Joel Fenster
Lord Of Time
Thursday, May 01, 1997
Tuesday, April 01, 1997
New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 7
overture, curtain, lights
Welcome to yet another star studded, action packed, suspensefully funny issue of your favorite bathroom material (and those of you using this as toilet paper....use it in good health). Anyway.....I'd ramble on a bit more about nothing in particular, but I've got plenty to write home about so.....on with the show this is it.
welcome to the 21st century
It's amazing what kind of a country we live in. Our government can't get their act together on reforming health care, social security, or welfare, but give them a topic that really matters and watch how they screw us all for a few bucks. If you haven't heard the FCC finally has gotten their shit together with HDTV (high definition television for those still living in caves). What this means for Joe Six Pack and his family is that by the year 2006 he's gonna have to shell out a shit-load of money to replace his TV and VCR with new digital versions. That's right....digital TVs and VCRs will be hitting the market by the end of next year (expect prices to start at $5000 for TVs and $1000 for VCRs). By that point a good number of broadcast stations will also begin broadcasting digital signals (don't worry they'll have dual analog broadcasts for at least a year before going all digital). For those of you with more than one TV currently trying to figure out if you'll be able to afford the upgrade or children, you will be able to buy a converter that will change the digital signal into analog so your current TV isn't completely useless (the converters starts at around $200). Anyone currently contemplating the step "up" into DVD may want to think twice now because the current DVD players aren't compatible with tomorrow's TVs even though that first D stands for Digital. This is just another step towards that really neat concept called conversion. You know, that's where your blender will also toast bread, call 911, and orally gratify you all at the same time. Isn't progress just spiffy? Smaller, digital, and all-in-one aren't necessarily good things, but we're humans...we'll never learn.
speaking of our government
How many of you out there knew about the new federal law that makes it illegal for a motion picture to depict minors having sex or in sexual situations even if the actors in the roles are not minors? Huh...what'd he just say? Basically what this means is that certain movies like...oh I don't know....let's say The Last Picture Show could technically be banned and deemed illegal because Cybil Shephard has sex. Now I believe at the time Cybil was in her 20's, but her character was still in high school. Get the picture? This law was one of those silly things that was tacked onto some other stupid congressional idea (I believe it may have been the balanced budget act) and it's purpose was to weed out "pornography" (whatever the hell that is....but that's a whole other ball o snot). Didn't anyone really think of the ramifications of this? Thankfully so far...not. But it's gonna happen. If we live in a country where some backwater hick congressman can complain about NBC's airing of Schindler's List as being too violent and sex-filled, then you know where he's headed next. If it ain't gonna be The Last Picture Show, it could be Porky's or Risky Business or Biloxi Blues or (fill in the blank with any other movie title where teens have sex).
Well...I think I'm done with my political rant....oh wait one last thing.....I may not like Ted Turner for a variety of reasons (colorization, trying to supress Crash, marrying Jane Fonda), but the man did come out and say the right thing on a subject that's taken up way too much time in the news. I'm paraphrasing, but he was attributed as having said something to the effect of "Why are we wasting our time broadcasting information about a bunch o wackos who killed themselves, when we should be celebrating the 6 billion smart people who didn't?" Enough said
siskle and ebert can go f!@# themselves
I'm tired of movie critics these days. All they do is lie and make hypocritcal and false statements. The bald turd and the fat blob have this tendency to watch movies, enjoy movies, and then sum up by giving it a thumbs down. What?!!!! "I liked it, but I can't recommend it." How asinine does that sound? My current beef with them (and others) concerns the big screen remake of The Saint. This film is by no means an Oscar contender, but it's also not the dog that they claim it is. Their biggest mistake is comparing it to the James Bond films. To "quote" Lloyd Benson "I like James Bond, I know James Bond, This is no James Bond." Part of this may be the fault of Paramount's marketing department. They are trying to make The Saint comparable to last summer's similar source material Mission Impossible (another film with an undeserved bad rap). The previews make this film out to be a rocking action film along the lines of any one of the Bond pictures. It's not. It's not even close. Just because a guy who used to play The Saint went on to become James Bond (I'm talking about Roger Moore for those that don't know), doesn't mean that The Saint and James Bond are the same person....they're far from it. Bond is an international superspy with a cool attitude. The Saint is a Robin Hood-like thief who also does some detective work. The new film has more in common with Hitchcock's To Catch A Thief that any other film (quick aside...Hitchcock was originally supposed to direct the 1930's movie version, but he backed out to do Rebecca instead).
Val Kilmer starts as Simon Templar, a master of disguise and a techno-freak who will pull off any theft as long as the price is right. He's hired by a Russian oil magnate (from whom he just stole a chip) to steal a cold fusion formula from an American scientist (Elizabeth Shue). Templar seduces her, steals the formula, and then feels guilty about it because she fell in love with him. On top of this, she hadn't put the formula in the correct order, so the Russian ain't too happy either. Now he's got to save himself and the girl and possibly even Russia itself from this madman.
Okay...plot sounds simple enough. The movie has some problems. First is the opening. We get a Dickensian orphanage and a back story for Simon Templar that is just plain goofy (I won't even describe it, but it has to do with mean clergymen and the death of his childhood sweetheart). Second is Emma's (Elizabeth Shue) heart condition. She takes pills, but then all of a sudden she doesn't need them. Perhaps the excitement of being with Simon has "cured" her? Yeah right! I like the concept that even Simon isn't sure of who he is (thus explaining his need for disguises) and I like that each new persona is named for a Catholic saint. But another thing I don't like is the pay-off for him becoming "sainted". A Catholic saint needs to perform three miracles to get the designation. Simon performs two that work with the story...the third doesn't (he gets Emma to tell him she loves him...blech). Before Paramount ran the film for test audiences, Emma died at the end. This could have been his third miracle....bringing her back to life (with or without the pills), but it wasn't to be. The movie has a great musical soundtrack, including an update of the TV show theme. Roger Moore has a brief voice-over at the end of the film. On the whole, I enjoyed the film once I realized what it was really trying to be....no thanks to Siskle and Ebert.
short takes
Sling Blade - this Oscar winning film (Best Adapted Screenplay), is a very riveting and surprising film. It runs well over two hours, and even though it is leisurely paced, it doesn't feel slow. If you don't know the story, I'm not going to give it away. I went in only with the knowledge that this film was kinda like Forrest Gump, only slightly more psychotic. Billy Bob Thornton deserved the Oscar he did win and the other he was nominated for (Best Actor). John Ritter (of Three's Company fame) gives a surprising performance. So surprising, in fact, some of you may not quite recognize him at first.
Sleepers - an all-star cast barely appears in this 2 1/2 hour plus film. Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Bacon, Brad Pitt, and Jason Patric are all listed above the title, but have little screen time in comparison to the four youths who this film is truly about. Four boys from Hell's Kitchen accidentally kill a man and are sent to a juvenile detention center where they are mentally, physically, and sexually abused by their guards (including the lead guard Kevin Bacon). Years later, two of them (who are now gangsters) spot Bacon in a bar and kill him. The other two (a journalist played by Patric and a lawyer played by Pitt) help their buddies and exact revenge against the system that made them what they are. Dustin Hoffman plays the defense attorney and DeNiro plays a priest who has been the boys' friend throughout their lives. The movie is riveting for the first hour and a half following the boys growing up, but then it bogs down for the remainder of the film when it pretty much turns into a courtroom drama. Minni Driver also stars. The movie is based on a book whose author claims the events he depicts are true.
Grosse Point Blank - John Cusack stars as a hit man who is having problems with his life. His competition (played gleefully by Dan Aykroyd) wants him to join the union he's putting together. His shrink (played nervously by Alan Arkin) is afraid of him. And his high school ten year reunion is coming up. He reluctantly goes home to discover his childhood home is now a convenience store, his mom's in a home, and he's still pining for the girl he stood up on prom night (Minni Driver). Hilarity ensues as Cusack has to dodge others who are trying to kill him, old friends he doesn't want to remember, and a target he doesn't want to kill. This is by far one of the funniest films in quite some time. It's Pulp Fiction meets Pretty In Pink. Joan Cusack also has a supporting role as her brother's secretary.
Chasing Amy - Kevin Smith (director of Clerks and Mallrats) brings us his most mature and thought provoking film to date. The story is quite simply the classic one of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy finds out girl is a lesbian, boy and girl become good friends, boy's best friend can't handle the lesbian because of his own sexual "frustrations", girl is won over by boy and becomes his lover, boy finds about girl's past in which she was heavily into sexual experimentation with both women and men, boy can't handle fact that girl slept with other men, and then all hell breaks loose. Somewhere in this whole chaotic mess is an appearance by the two characters everyone loves Jay and Silent Bob. References to his two previous films abound. The first half is hysterically funny, the second half is not as funny, but it shouldn't be. The only real problem with this film is Joey Lauren Adams' acting in certain scenes. It would have been more appropriate if she were less hysterical and more calm.
McHale's Navy - with a cast that includes such funny people as Tim Curry, Tom Arnold, Bruce Campbell, French Stewart, Brian Haley, Dean Stockwell, and Ernest Borgnine, you'd think this would be a very funny film. Well, you'd be thinking wrong.
peaks and valleys
Last year we had the pleasure of two alien invasion movies (the unintentionally funny and stupid Independence Day and the hysterically funny, yet slow moving Mars Attacks). This year we get dueling volcano movies. First came Dante's Peak starring Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton in which a geologist with a painful past tries to warn a town of impending doom. It's only in the last half hour that the volcano erupts, the first part of the film setting up some typical character development. Now comes Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche, Gabby Hoffman, and Don Cheadle in which a tectonic plate shift causes a volcanic eruption in downtown Los Angeles. It's the first fifteen minutes where the characters are set up in a completely negligible fashion and then the rest of the film is spent running from slow flowing lava. Both films have decent premises that are marred by different problems. Dante's Peak spends way too much time on character development and some of that doesn't pay off in expected ways (which is a good thing), but it takes too long to get to the inevitable. Volcano plays more like a Mel Brooks parody of a disaster film (which is what Mr. Brooks should do next...a big nineties disaster film comedy....but I digress) in which the characters are so stupid it's incredible. Just one example (because I could go on forever about the stupidity in this film): a man rescues a guy from a train car, but the lava has surrounded the train. The guy knows he's gonna die, but he sacrifices himself to save the 220+ pound guy he's carrying fireman style over his shoulder. He jumps into the lava and begins to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. Agonizing pain, yes...realistic, no. But the man still has energy to hurl the unconscious man a good five or six feet over the lava to safety. Now forgive me if I'm wrong (I'm no geologist), but if you got anywhere within, let's say three inches of lava, wouldn't you burst into flames? And if you stepped into it, wouldn't you immediately burst into flames (including the 220+ pound guy on your shoulders) instead of melting? Volcano is full of silly things like this (including a racial harmony message that has no place in this film). If you want a better film, catch Dante's Peak when it comes out on video (probably in August or September). If you want something that's action-packed, yet truly awful check out Volcano. Next year we get dueling asteroid movies. Hooray For Hollywood.
not fun in the summertime
It's usually around this time of year that I give a rundown of movies that we can look forward to this coming summer, since the summer movie season starts around Memorial Day. Since, as far as I'm concerned, the summer movie season started the day Dante's Peak opened (February 7) I'm going to let you know what NOT to look forward to. The summer of 1997 will be looked back upon as the WORST summer movie season since the last summer movie season (and you thought that was bad). The Lost World is the sequel to Jurassic Park. It should be better than the book (which read like a remake of the movie Congo) because they've changed a lot of it. Speed 2: Cruise Control is the most useless excuse for a sequel since The Cannonball Run II (Keanu was smart getting out of this one). Con Air is the first of this summer's Nicholas Cage action films (and this summer's Simpson-less Bruckheimer film)....the second might fare better as it co-stars John Travolta and is directed by John Woo (it's called Face Off and has nothing to do with hockey). Batman And Robin....don't get me started....look for the June issue to be an all-Batman issue that rips both Joel Schumacher films apart (the better Batman film is coming straight to video and it's animated). Hercules is this summer's Disney Animated Masterpiece (their 35th by their count) and is the only film I can't wait to see. It looks hysterical. Harrison Ford returns in Air Force One....guess what gets captured by terrorists. James Cameron has out-done, out-scheduled, and out-budgeted himself with the quickly approaching $200 million epic Titanic which fictionalizes the characters while keeping the facts straight (when will someone learn not to give this man all the money in the world). Sigourney Weaver returns as everyone's favorite alien-killing Ripley in Alien Resurrection (hey didn't she die in the last one....well this one's a clone). Spawn and Steel leap off the comic book page as the entire nation sighs and goes "Who?"....Everyone's favorite video game returns in Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Bruce Willis plays a cab driver in search of The Fifth Element. Those are the highlights (or nighlights)....even further in the future look for Tomorrow Never Dies in which James Bond returns to stop a Rupert Murdoch-type from destroying Hong Kong (it has Pierce Brosnan, Jonathan Pryce, Michelle Kahn, and Teri Hatcher - a new update on this next month along with a review of Raymond Benson's first Bond novel....whose first printing in Britain sold out in one week). Next summer look for Tim Burton to direct Nicholas Cage as Superman Reborn (or Superman Lives depending on whom you talk to). Michael Keaton puts in a cameo as everyone's late lamented Dark Knight in a script by Kevin Smith that's being rewritten by others (and yes it features Luthor, Brainiac, and Doomsday). Also if you haven't heard the cast for the next Star Wars (possibly called Balance Of The Force) film is shaping up as follows: Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, and Ewan MacGregor as the young Obi-Wan Kenobi (although as we go to press, those last two might be out). More on this as it develops.
As we go to press: Alien Resurrection has been pushed back to November to get away from the "summer competition". And James Cameron's uber-film Titanic will not be docking anywhere near July 4th weekend unless they can get the special effects done in time. Apparently 100 computer geeks working round the clock from now until July 1 isn't enough time or man power. More money is needed. The way Hollywood does accounting (something I've briefly touched on before and should tackle in depth soon), this film will NEVER COME CLOSE to turning a profit.
dance, vidiots, dance
Well, the new technology DVD (Digital Versatile Disc - though no one but Toshiba will apparently call it that) has been on the marketplace for about a month. To state my opinion once again....I think this is a format with a lot of potential that is being marketed by the biggest A-holes this side of Mars. Once again backing up this claim (and once again bashing that corporate non-entity known as Warner), Warner Home Video is distributing their titles (as well as subsidiaries MGM/UA Home Video, New Line Home Video, and HBO Home Video) through three channels: directly to accounts, through Ingram, and through Image Entertainment. These last two are middle men; one a giant in the video distribution system, the other in the laser distribution system. Both companies are restricted from distributing to accounts anywhere except the seven "test markets" (New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Dallas, Chicago, and Washington DC). They have both been warned that they will punished if they even accidentally break this distribution pipe (I think the punishment had something to do with being forced to watch Twister and Being Human back to back for a whole month on end). Anyway...the accounts that Warner distributes to directly are apparently not affected by this since places like Media Buys and Nobody Likes The Wiz are getting shipments into their stores in those cities and side shipping them off to other places (like Norwalk, CT where a certain small video store is heavily into laserdisc and would love to jump the gun but can't because they aren't big enough to deal with Warner and Image can't ship to...but the fucking Wiz is not only selling the (&*^%&^ Warner titles, they're blatantly advertising them!!!!!!! AARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!)
Anyway....the hippo Warner (hippo as in hypocritical) once again gets a raspberry for their stupid plan of "test marketing" DVD and creating a false demand where none exists. This is the second of many raspberries that Warner will be getting from me in the coming months. On a surprising note, even though they've decided to neglect their laserdisc market, they apparently are putting the direct to video animated Batman movie Sub-Zero on laserdisc. Thanks for small favors guys. Too little, too late. What about that box set of The Wild Bunch you promised 2 years ago. You know the one that you postponed so you could put together a documentary. A documentary so good, you postponed the disc to release the documentary to theaters. The one that played in theaters and got an Oscar nomination (ha ha it lost). That same documentary that's being released on DVD only along with a widescreen/dolby digital version of The Wild Bunch. Fuck you very much guys.....oh and speaking of things from Warner that will probably never show up on laserdisc:
here's johnny
ABC has just finished airing a brand new six hour miniseries version of Stephen King's The Shining. Now, you may ask, why would we need a six hour miniseries when Stanley Kubrick made a perfectly good two hour movie 17 years ago (was it that long ago)? Well because Kubrick's film wasn't anywhere near perfect. Stephen King has always stated that he's been disappointed by Kubrick's film even referring to it as a "big beautiful car, with no engine". Apparently in order to get the rights back from Kubrick, King is no longer allowed to bad mouth the movie version. However, his view is a matter of record, and this contract doesn't apply to me...so I'll be ripping it apart as I go about reviewing the new version (actually I won't be ripping Kubrick's film apart...as a film it's quite good - and scary - as an adaptation of King's novel, it sucks).
King has written a very faithful adaptation of his own novel and has helped director Mick Garris cast it in a novel and unique way. Steven Webber (of TV's Wings) plays Jack Torrence, blocked writer, former drunk, fired teacher, loving father, and now caretaker of the Overlook Hotel - a place so haunted I wouldn't know where to begin. Jack takes his job seriously, so seriously that he winds up not working on his play to start researching a book about the hotel's rich and eerie past. It is this obsession that the ghosts use to get him drinking again (even though there's no alcohol in the snowed-in hotel) and then use a drunk Jack to get his son, whom they want more than anything. Jack's son Danny (played by Courtney Mead) has a special gift....a type of telepathy referred to as "Shining". The hotel's cook, Dick Halloran (Melvin Van Peebles) has it too, and it's he whom Danny "calls" from Florida to help them at the end. Our last character in this story is Jack's wife Wendy (Rebecca DeMornay) who loves her husband, but is still slightly unsure of his former drinking habits.
All of this stands in contrast to Kubrick's film where Jack (Jack Nicholson) is insane from day one and doesn't seem to have any love for his family, where Danny is a stiff who can only "talk" through his finger, where Wendy is a whining screaming sissy (played to perfection by Shelly DuVall), and where Halloran becomes dead as soon as he sets foot in the Overlook at the end (and so goes Scatman Crothers).
In the film, it is Jack that the hotel wants. In the book, and now the mini-series, it's Danny. Director Garris has done some stylistic things reminiscent of Kubrick's film, but without the artsy, and constant, use of a steadicam. This miniseries is a slow boil that takes it's time setting up everything, but once Jack goes over the edge (around the fourth hour) things move at such a clip and keep you so on the edge of your seat, you wonder why the hell you're watching knowing you're gonna be frustrated when they have to cut to commercial. Wait for this on video if you didn't see it yet. It's a must see, but you really shouldn't have to deal with the commercial breaks. It'll play much smoother as a 4 1/2 hour video.
As for King and the miniseries format, there's only two possibilities currently for him: a remake of 'Salem's Lot (already done as a decent 4 hour miniseries = 3 hours on video) or The Talisman (the ONLY way to do this book). The rest of King's work that currently remains unfilmed, consists of bloated books that would be better served as feature films where the script has cut the fat and gotten to the heart of the story (specifically speaking Desperation and The Regulators). Oh....and The Dark Tower series shouldn't be filmed until King's written the last part (and who knows when that'll happen....part IV comes out in late summer)
it's the end of the issue as we know it, and i feel fine
Well that's it for this month. Next month comes a review of the sequel to Jurassic Park entitled The Lost World, an overview of recent Shakespeare films, a look back at this past TV season and a look ahead at the next one, a review of Raymond Benson's first James Bond novel Zero Minus Ten, a goodbye look at Virgin Books Doctor Who: The New Adventures as it comes to an end (and the how's and why's of it's end as well as where the good Doctor may show up next), and the usual movie reviews, video reviews, rumor updates, and Warner bashing (I'll have a new excuse next month...promise....sorry Jason).
As for future things to look for: the long awaited debut of the Nowhere Man episode guide, the second season episode guide to SeaQuest DSV, and a 50th issue spectacular (50 issues....if this is #7...how do you come close to 50?.....this is the NEW Fountain of Useless Information...I started the OLD version in November of 1992 and having missed a few months here and there I'll hit my 5 year anniversary on my 50th issue and I'm planning something very special.....even I don't know what it is yet).
So until next month:
Be seeing you
Joel
Master Of His Own Domain
Welcome to yet another star studded, action packed, suspensefully funny issue of your favorite bathroom material (and those of you using this as toilet paper....use it in good health). Anyway.....I'd ramble on a bit more about nothing in particular, but I've got plenty to write home about so.....on with the show this is it.
welcome to the 21st century
It's amazing what kind of a country we live in. Our government can't get their act together on reforming health care, social security, or welfare, but give them a topic that really matters and watch how they screw us all for a few bucks. If you haven't heard the FCC finally has gotten their shit together with HDTV (high definition television for those still living in caves). What this means for Joe Six Pack and his family is that by the year 2006 he's gonna have to shell out a shit-load of money to replace his TV and VCR with new digital versions. That's right....digital TVs and VCRs will be hitting the market by the end of next year (expect prices to start at $5000 for TVs and $1000 for VCRs). By that point a good number of broadcast stations will also begin broadcasting digital signals (don't worry they'll have dual analog broadcasts for at least a year before going all digital). For those of you with more than one TV currently trying to figure out if you'll be able to afford the upgrade or children, you will be able to buy a converter that will change the digital signal into analog so your current TV isn't completely useless (the converters starts at around $200). Anyone currently contemplating the step "up" into DVD may want to think twice now because the current DVD players aren't compatible with tomorrow's TVs even though that first D stands for Digital. This is just another step towards that really neat concept called conversion. You know, that's where your blender will also toast bread, call 911, and orally gratify you all at the same time. Isn't progress just spiffy? Smaller, digital, and all-in-one aren't necessarily good things, but we're humans...we'll never learn.
speaking of our government
How many of you out there knew about the new federal law that makes it illegal for a motion picture to depict minors having sex or in sexual situations even if the actors in the roles are not minors? Huh...what'd he just say? Basically what this means is that certain movies like...oh I don't know....let's say The Last Picture Show could technically be banned and deemed illegal because Cybil Shephard has sex. Now I believe at the time Cybil was in her 20's, but her character was still in high school. Get the picture? This law was one of those silly things that was tacked onto some other stupid congressional idea (I believe it may have been the balanced budget act) and it's purpose was to weed out "pornography" (whatever the hell that is....but that's a whole other ball o snot). Didn't anyone really think of the ramifications of this? Thankfully so far...not. But it's gonna happen. If we live in a country where some backwater hick congressman can complain about NBC's airing of Schindler's List as being too violent and sex-filled, then you know where he's headed next. If it ain't gonna be The Last Picture Show, it could be Porky's or Risky Business or Biloxi Blues or (fill in the blank with any other movie title where teens have sex).
Well...I think I'm done with my political rant....oh wait one last thing.....I may not like Ted Turner for a variety of reasons (colorization, trying to supress Crash, marrying Jane Fonda), but the man did come out and say the right thing on a subject that's taken up way too much time in the news. I'm paraphrasing, but he was attributed as having said something to the effect of "Why are we wasting our time broadcasting information about a bunch o wackos who killed themselves, when we should be celebrating the 6 billion smart people who didn't?" Enough said
siskle and ebert can go f!@# themselves
I'm tired of movie critics these days. All they do is lie and make hypocritcal and false statements. The bald turd and the fat blob have this tendency to watch movies, enjoy movies, and then sum up by giving it a thumbs down. What?!!!! "I liked it, but I can't recommend it." How asinine does that sound? My current beef with them (and others) concerns the big screen remake of The Saint. This film is by no means an Oscar contender, but it's also not the dog that they claim it is. Their biggest mistake is comparing it to the James Bond films. To "quote" Lloyd Benson "I like James Bond, I know James Bond, This is no James Bond." Part of this may be the fault of Paramount's marketing department. They are trying to make The Saint comparable to last summer's similar source material Mission Impossible (another film with an undeserved bad rap). The previews make this film out to be a rocking action film along the lines of any one of the Bond pictures. It's not. It's not even close. Just because a guy who used to play The Saint went on to become James Bond (I'm talking about Roger Moore for those that don't know), doesn't mean that The Saint and James Bond are the same person....they're far from it. Bond is an international superspy with a cool attitude. The Saint is a Robin Hood-like thief who also does some detective work. The new film has more in common with Hitchcock's To Catch A Thief that any other film (quick aside...Hitchcock was originally supposed to direct the 1930's movie version, but he backed out to do Rebecca instead).
Val Kilmer starts as Simon Templar, a master of disguise and a techno-freak who will pull off any theft as long as the price is right. He's hired by a Russian oil magnate (from whom he just stole a chip) to steal a cold fusion formula from an American scientist (Elizabeth Shue). Templar seduces her, steals the formula, and then feels guilty about it because she fell in love with him. On top of this, she hadn't put the formula in the correct order, so the Russian ain't too happy either. Now he's got to save himself and the girl and possibly even Russia itself from this madman.
Okay...plot sounds simple enough. The movie has some problems. First is the opening. We get a Dickensian orphanage and a back story for Simon Templar that is just plain goofy (I won't even describe it, but it has to do with mean clergymen and the death of his childhood sweetheart). Second is Emma's (Elizabeth Shue) heart condition. She takes pills, but then all of a sudden she doesn't need them. Perhaps the excitement of being with Simon has "cured" her? Yeah right! I like the concept that even Simon isn't sure of who he is (thus explaining his need for disguises) and I like that each new persona is named for a Catholic saint. But another thing I don't like is the pay-off for him becoming "sainted". A Catholic saint needs to perform three miracles to get the designation. Simon performs two that work with the story...the third doesn't (he gets Emma to tell him she loves him...blech). Before Paramount ran the film for test audiences, Emma died at the end. This could have been his third miracle....bringing her back to life (with or without the pills), but it wasn't to be. The movie has a great musical soundtrack, including an update of the TV show theme. Roger Moore has a brief voice-over at the end of the film. On the whole, I enjoyed the film once I realized what it was really trying to be....no thanks to Siskle and Ebert.
short takes
Sling Blade - this Oscar winning film (Best Adapted Screenplay), is a very riveting and surprising film. It runs well over two hours, and even though it is leisurely paced, it doesn't feel slow. If you don't know the story, I'm not going to give it away. I went in only with the knowledge that this film was kinda like Forrest Gump, only slightly more psychotic. Billy Bob Thornton deserved the Oscar he did win and the other he was nominated for (Best Actor). John Ritter (of Three's Company fame) gives a surprising performance. So surprising, in fact, some of you may not quite recognize him at first.
Sleepers - an all-star cast barely appears in this 2 1/2 hour plus film. Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Bacon, Brad Pitt, and Jason Patric are all listed above the title, but have little screen time in comparison to the four youths who this film is truly about. Four boys from Hell's Kitchen accidentally kill a man and are sent to a juvenile detention center where they are mentally, physically, and sexually abused by their guards (including the lead guard Kevin Bacon). Years later, two of them (who are now gangsters) spot Bacon in a bar and kill him. The other two (a journalist played by Patric and a lawyer played by Pitt) help their buddies and exact revenge against the system that made them what they are. Dustin Hoffman plays the defense attorney and DeNiro plays a priest who has been the boys' friend throughout their lives. The movie is riveting for the first hour and a half following the boys growing up, but then it bogs down for the remainder of the film when it pretty much turns into a courtroom drama. Minni Driver also stars. The movie is based on a book whose author claims the events he depicts are true.
Grosse Point Blank - John Cusack stars as a hit man who is having problems with his life. His competition (played gleefully by Dan Aykroyd) wants him to join the union he's putting together. His shrink (played nervously by Alan Arkin) is afraid of him. And his high school ten year reunion is coming up. He reluctantly goes home to discover his childhood home is now a convenience store, his mom's in a home, and he's still pining for the girl he stood up on prom night (Minni Driver). Hilarity ensues as Cusack has to dodge others who are trying to kill him, old friends he doesn't want to remember, and a target he doesn't want to kill. This is by far one of the funniest films in quite some time. It's Pulp Fiction meets Pretty In Pink. Joan Cusack also has a supporting role as her brother's secretary.
Chasing Amy - Kevin Smith (director of Clerks and Mallrats) brings us his most mature and thought provoking film to date. The story is quite simply the classic one of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy finds out girl is a lesbian, boy and girl become good friends, boy's best friend can't handle the lesbian because of his own sexual "frustrations", girl is won over by boy and becomes his lover, boy finds about girl's past in which she was heavily into sexual experimentation with both women and men, boy can't handle fact that girl slept with other men, and then all hell breaks loose. Somewhere in this whole chaotic mess is an appearance by the two characters everyone loves Jay and Silent Bob. References to his two previous films abound. The first half is hysterically funny, the second half is not as funny, but it shouldn't be. The only real problem with this film is Joey Lauren Adams' acting in certain scenes. It would have been more appropriate if she were less hysterical and more calm.
McHale's Navy - with a cast that includes such funny people as Tim Curry, Tom Arnold, Bruce Campbell, French Stewart, Brian Haley, Dean Stockwell, and Ernest Borgnine, you'd think this would be a very funny film. Well, you'd be thinking wrong.
peaks and valleys
Last year we had the pleasure of two alien invasion movies (the unintentionally funny and stupid Independence Day and the hysterically funny, yet slow moving Mars Attacks). This year we get dueling volcano movies. First came Dante's Peak starring Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton in which a geologist with a painful past tries to warn a town of impending doom. It's only in the last half hour that the volcano erupts, the first part of the film setting up some typical character development. Now comes Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche, Gabby Hoffman, and Don Cheadle in which a tectonic plate shift causes a volcanic eruption in downtown Los Angeles. It's the first fifteen minutes where the characters are set up in a completely negligible fashion and then the rest of the film is spent running from slow flowing lava. Both films have decent premises that are marred by different problems. Dante's Peak spends way too much time on character development and some of that doesn't pay off in expected ways (which is a good thing), but it takes too long to get to the inevitable. Volcano plays more like a Mel Brooks parody of a disaster film (which is what Mr. Brooks should do next...a big nineties disaster film comedy....but I digress) in which the characters are so stupid it's incredible. Just one example (because I could go on forever about the stupidity in this film): a man rescues a guy from a train car, but the lava has surrounded the train. The guy knows he's gonna die, but he sacrifices himself to save the 220+ pound guy he's carrying fireman style over his shoulder. He jumps into the lava and begins to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. Agonizing pain, yes...realistic, no. But the man still has energy to hurl the unconscious man a good five or six feet over the lava to safety. Now forgive me if I'm wrong (I'm no geologist), but if you got anywhere within, let's say three inches of lava, wouldn't you burst into flames? And if you stepped into it, wouldn't you immediately burst into flames (including the 220+ pound guy on your shoulders) instead of melting? Volcano is full of silly things like this (including a racial harmony message that has no place in this film). If you want a better film, catch Dante's Peak when it comes out on video (probably in August or September). If you want something that's action-packed, yet truly awful check out Volcano. Next year we get dueling asteroid movies. Hooray For Hollywood.
not fun in the summertime
It's usually around this time of year that I give a rundown of movies that we can look forward to this coming summer, since the summer movie season starts around Memorial Day. Since, as far as I'm concerned, the summer movie season started the day Dante's Peak opened (February 7) I'm going to let you know what NOT to look forward to. The summer of 1997 will be looked back upon as the WORST summer movie season since the last summer movie season (and you thought that was bad). The Lost World is the sequel to Jurassic Park. It should be better than the book (which read like a remake of the movie Congo) because they've changed a lot of it. Speed 2: Cruise Control is the most useless excuse for a sequel since The Cannonball Run II (Keanu was smart getting out of this one). Con Air is the first of this summer's Nicholas Cage action films (and this summer's Simpson-less Bruckheimer film)....the second might fare better as it co-stars John Travolta and is directed by John Woo (it's called Face Off and has nothing to do with hockey). Batman And Robin....don't get me started....look for the June issue to be an all-Batman issue that rips both Joel Schumacher films apart (the better Batman film is coming straight to video and it's animated). Hercules is this summer's Disney Animated Masterpiece (their 35th by their count) and is the only film I can't wait to see. It looks hysterical. Harrison Ford returns in Air Force One....guess what gets captured by terrorists. James Cameron has out-done, out-scheduled, and out-budgeted himself with the quickly approaching $200 million epic Titanic which fictionalizes the characters while keeping the facts straight (when will someone learn not to give this man all the money in the world). Sigourney Weaver returns as everyone's favorite alien-killing Ripley in Alien Resurrection (hey didn't she die in the last one....well this one's a clone). Spawn and Steel leap off the comic book page as the entire nation sighs and goes "Who?"....Everyone's favorite video game returns in Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Bruce Willis plays a cab driver in search of The Fifth Element. Those are the highlights (or nighlights)....even further in the future look for Tomorrow Never Dies in which James Bond returns to stop a Rupert Murdoch-type from destroying Hong Kong (it has Pierce Brosnan, Jonathan Pryce, Michelle Kahn, and Teri Hatcher - a new update on this next month along with a review of Raymond Benson's first Bond novel....whose first printing in Britain sold out in one week). Next summer look for Tim Burton to direct Nicholas Cage as Superman Reborn (or Superman Lives depending on whom you talk to). Michael Keaton puts in a cameo as everyone's late lamented Dark Knight in a script by Kevin Smith that's being rewritten by others (and yes it features Luthor, Brainiac, and Doomsday). Also if you haven't heard the cast for the next Star Wars (possibly called Balance Of The Force) film is shaping up as follows: Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, and Ewan MacGregor as the young Obi-Wan Kenobi (although as we go to press, those last two might be out). More on this as it develops.
As we go to press: Alien Resurrection has been pushed back to November to get away from the "summer competition". And James Cameron's uber-film Titanic will not be docking anywhere near July 4th weekend unless they can get the special effects done in time. Apparently 100 computer geeks working round the clock from now until July 1 isn't enough time or man power. More money is needed. The way Hollywood does accounting (something I've briefly touched on before and should tackle in depth soon), this film will NEVER COME CLOSE to turning a profit.
dance, vidiots, dance
Well, the new technology DVD (Digital Versatile Disc - though no one but Toshiba will apparently call it that) has been on the marketplace for about a month. To state my opinion once again....I think this is a format with a lot of potential that is being marketed by the biggest A-holes this side of Mars. Once again backing up this claim (and once again bashing that corporate non-entity known as Warner), Warner Home Video is distributing their titles (as well as subsidiaries MGM/UA Home Video, New Line Home Video, and HBO Home Video) through three channels: directly to accounts, through Ingram, and through Image Entertainment. These last two are middle men; one a giant in the video distribution system, the other in the laser distribution system. Both companies are restricted from distributing to accounts anywhere except the seven "test markets" (New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Dallas, Chicago, and Washington DC). They have both been warned that they will punished if they even accidentally break this distribution pipe (I think the punishment had something to do with being forced to watch Twister and Being Human back to back for a whole month on end). Anyway...the accounts that Warner distributes to directly are apparently not affected by this since places like Media Buys and Nobody Likes The Wiz are getting shipments into their stores in those cities and side shipping them off to other places (like Norwalk, CT where a certain small video store is heavily into laserdisc and would love to jump the gun but can't because they aren't big enough to deal with Warner and Image can't ship to...but the fucking Wiz is not only selling the (&*^%&^ Warner titles, they're blatantly advertising them!!!!!!! AARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!)
Anyway....the hippo Warner (hippo as in hypocritical) once again gets a raspberry for their stupid plan of "test marketing" DVD and creating a false demand where none exists. This is the second of many raspberries that Warner will be getting from me in the coming months. On a surprising note, even though they've decided to neglect their laserdisc market, they apparently are putting the direct to video animated Batman movie Sub-Zero on laserdisc. Thanks for small favors guys. Too little, too late. What about that box set of The Wild Bunch you promised 2 years ago. You know the one that you postponed so you could put together a documentary. A documentary so good, you postponed the disc to release the documentary to theaters. The one that played in theaters and got an Oscar nomination (ha ha it lost). That same documentary that's being released on DVD only along with a widescreen/dolby digital version of The Wild Bunch. Fuck you very much guys.....oh and speaking of things from Warner that will probably never show up on laserdisc:
here's johnny
ABC has just finished airing a brand new six hour miniseries version of Stephen King's The Shining. Now, you may ask, why would we need a six hour miniseries when Stanley Kubrick made a perfectly good two hour movie 17 years ago (was it that long ago)? Well because Kubrick's film wasn't anywhere near perfect. Stephen King has always stated that he's been disappointed by Kubrick's film even referring to it as a "big beautiful car, with no engine". Apparently in order to get the rights back from Kubrick, King is no longer allowed to bad mouth the movie version. However, his view is a matter of record, and this contract doesn't apply to me...so I'll be ripping it apart as I go about reviewing the new version (actually I won't be ripping Kubrick's film apart...as a film it's quite good - and scary - as an adaptation of King's novel, it sucks).
King has written a very faithful adaptation of his own novel and has helped director Mick Garris cast it in a novel and unique way. Steven Webber (of TV's Wings) plays Jack Torrence, blocked writer, former drunk, fired teacher, loving father, and now caretaker of the Overlook Hotel - a place so haunted I wouldn't know where to begin. Jack takes his job seriously, so seriously that he winds up not working on his play to start researching a book about the hotel's rich and eerie past. It is this obsession that the ghosts use to get him drinking again (even though there's no alcohol in the snowed-in hotel) and then use a drunk Jack to get his son, whom they want more than anything. Jack's son Danny (played by Courtney Mead) has a special gift....a type of telepathy referred to as "Shining". The hotel's cook, Dick Halloran (Melvin Van Peebles) has it too, and it's he whom Danny "calls" from Florida to help them at the end. Our last character in this story is Jack's wife Wendy (Rebecca DeMornay) who loves her husband, but is still slightly unsure of his former drinking habits.
All of this stands in contrast to Kubrick's film where Jack (Jack Nicholson) is insane from day one and doesn't seem to have any love for his family, where Danny is a stiff who can only "talk" through his finger, where Wendy is a whining screaming sissy (played to perfection by Shelly DuVall), and where Halloran becomes dead as soon as he sets foot in the Overlook at the end (and so goes Scatman Crothers).
In the film, it is Jack that the hotel wants. In the book, and now the mini-series, it's Danny. Director Garris has done some stylistic things reminiscent of Kubrick's film, but without the artsy, and constant, use of a steadicam. This miniseries is a slow boil that takes it's time setting up everything, but once Jack goes over the edge (around the fourth hour) things move at such a clip and keep you so on the edge of your seat, you wonder why the hell you're watching knowing you're gonna be frustrated when they have to cut to commercial. Wait for this on video if you didn't see it yet. It's a must see, but you really shouldn't have to deal with the commercial breaks. It'll play much smoother as a 4 1/2 hour video.
As for King and the miniseries format, there's only two possibilities currently for him: a remake of 'Salem's Lot (already done as a decent 4 hour miniseries = 3 hours on video) or The Talisman (the ONLY way to do this book). The rest of King's work that currently remains unfilmed, consists of bloated books that would be better served as feature films where the script has cut the fat and gotten to the heart of the story (specifically speaking Desperation and The Regulators). Oh....and The Dark Tower series shouldn't be filmed until King's written the last part (and who knows when that'll happen....part IV comes out in late summer)
it's the end of the issue as we know it, and i feel fine
Well that's it for this month. Next month comes a review of the sequel to Jurassic Park entitled The Lost World, an overview of recent Shakespeare films, a look back at this past TV season and a look ahead at the next one, a review of Raymond Benson's first James Bond novel Zero Minus Ten, a goodbye look at Virgin Books Doctor Who: The New Adventures as it comes to an end (and the how's and why's of it's end as well as where the good Doctor may show up next), and the usual movie reviews, video reviews, rumor updates, and Warner bashing (I'll have a new excuse next month...promise....sorry Jason).
As for future things to look for: the long awaited debut of the Nowhere Man episode guide, the second season episode guide to SeaQuest DSV, and a 50th issue spectacular (50 issues....if this is #7...how do you come close to 50?.....this is the NEW Fountain of Useless Information...I started the OLD version in November of 1992 and having missed a few months here and there I'll hit my 5 year anniversary on my 50th issue and I'm planning something very special.....even I don't know what it is yet).
So until next month:
Be seeing you
Joel
Master Of His Own Domain
Saturday, March 01, 1997
New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 6
lousy smarch weather
Welcome to another fun packed issue, folks. This month there's lots to cover....so let's get started.
genitalia
While I've never been a fan of his radio show, I've also never really found anything that Howard Stern says truly offensive (at least not personally), but I could understand why others did (hey we live in one of the most narrow-minded countries on the planet). Stern has proclaimed himself the "King Of All Media" and I have to wonder exactly as to what this term might mean. In spite of the fact that his film has gotten generally good reviews (and he gets another one in the next paragraph) and made a decent showing opening weekend, has he truly conquered the film industry? I think not. He keep proclaiming that his film tested with the highest scores out of any film in the history of Paramount Pictures, including Forrest Gump. Yet he doesn't seem to realize that this amounts to a whole lot of nothing in Hollywood. Gump got a C in its tests, yet it made a shitload of money and won a crapload of Oscars. So much for Hollywood tests. Anyway...my review....
Private Parts gives us a side of Stern that you don't get on the radio. Here's where you see the sensitive, I'm only joking side. And there isn't too much of his "radio" humor involved in this story (what is there has been toned down for the general public). Surprisingly, especially since he's playing himself, Stern has some acting ability (perhaps because his whole "bad boy" persona is an act). The film is skillfully directed by Betty Thomas (of Hill Street Blues who has also directed The Brady Bunch and The Late Shift - a film that this one resembles in almost every way). Whether you love or hate Stern, this film is entertaining and will be enjoyed even if you're determined not to.
those damn jedi are back again?
The release of Return of The Jedi: Special Edition brings the Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition to a less than stunning climax. But this was also true of the previous theatrical version. This third chapter has always been something of a letdown. The first third of the film deals with the rescue of Han Solo from the evil slug-gangster Jabba The Hutt. It is here that the special edition has most of its reworking. A musical number has been added to replace a previous one and it makes the death of Jabba's dancer Oola a bit more logical (she doesn't want to dance again for him). Boba Fett has been added into close-ups wherever possible. This is completely disconcerting because the new Fett footage is more colorful than the old Fett footage. The Sarlaac (the creature in the desert pit) has been given more tentacles and a beak that comes out and swallows people. Lucas could have taken the opportunity to keep Boba Fett alive, by having the Sarlaac spit him out (and thereby keep continuity with the novels that have been written of late where Fett's still alive due to this exact happening), but he doesn't and so Fett slides into the creature. With all the big hoopla of spruced up special effects, one scene that needed it and didn't get it is Luke's battle with the Rancor in Jabba's palace. Both Luke and the Rancor looked superimposed (depending on the shot) and nothing was done to correct this....it still looks cheesy. After Han's rescue the movie gets boring for a while (the middle third involves setting up everything for the final third). The Ewoks are still cute and annoying and pointless (couldn't they have digitally wiped out this race of creature and replaced them with Pirhana-people or something like that?). The end of the film is divided into three parts, two of which work (the one that doesn't involves the Ewoks). The very end of Jedi has had the most changes. The music of the Ewoks has been replaced with what sounds like a world music version of the Star Wars theme. The visuals now include celebrations and fireworks displays on Bespin's Cloud City, Tatooine's Mos Eisley Space Port, and the Imperial Homeworld of Coruscant (which has not appeared in any of the films until now, is untitled in the film, and can only be known by descriptions from the recent novels and the toppling of the Emperor's statue - which you might blink and miss) before returning to Endor and the Ewoks and that silly "photo" of main characters that ends the film. Don't get me wrong...this isn't a horrible film, it's just the least of the three. Oh and on a side note....while watching this film, it dawned on me....if Ben's a ghost....why does he have to move branches out of his path, walk around trees, and sit on rocks? Any answers are welcome.
oscar chat
What follows is a transcript of predictions for the 69th Annual Academy Awards. The two speakers are myself and Jason Victor. The transcript is only slightly edited.
Flmfrk: hello
Flmfrk: hooray
OscarBug: Okay Lets get this show on the road. .you want to do the intro.?
Flmfrk: okay let's get started
Flmfrk: sure I'll do the intro.
Flmfrk: hellllooooo readers
Flmfrk: welcome to the first annual "siskel & ebert-type" Oscar previews
Flmfrk: what you're reading is a transcript of an online conversation between
Flmfrk: Joel Fenster (Flmfrk) and Jason Victor (OscarBug)
OscarBug: Helloooooo
Flmfrk: hopefully I'll remember to save this and you'll actually be reading it
Flmfrk: that's hopefully
OscarBug: Don't worry I'm making periodic back ups as we type
Flmfrk: So Jason....do you wanna start with the crap categories
OscarBug: Sure. . .let's start with the big ones. .or better known as the Top 5
OscarBug: They are: Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress
Flmfrk: I meant crap as in shorts, documentaries, and foreign...but this year
Flmfrk: the top five are also crap
OscarBug: OOPS. .my mistake. .sorry :)
Flmfrk: Supporting Actress nominees are
Flmfrk: Joan Allen for The Crucible
Flmfrk: Lauren Bacall for The Mirror Has Two Noses
Flmfrk: Juliette Binoche for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Barbara Hershey for Portrait of A Lady
Flmfrk: and Marianne Jean-Baptiste for Secrets and Lies
OscarBug: Let me start by digressing
Flmfrk: I've seen one of these films
Flmfrk: digress away
OscarBug: I think we should make it clear that although we may not have seen al the films
OscarBug: that does not prevent us from having a good opinion about them
Flmfrk: true true
OscarBug: Well I'm going to jump out of the gate and say clearly Bacall has it in the bag
Flmfrk: Personally...I've always loved Bacall so she should win before she croaks
OscarBug: I mean really, she's never won, Hollywood Loves her and she needs her due
OscarBug: Hollywood always gives it to the "Elder" statesman. Look at Geraldine Paige or
Flmfrk: The others I could care less about....I saw Secrets And Lies and felt that
OscarBug: Jessica Tandy
Flmfrk: Ms. Jean-Baptiste was good, but nothing special
OscarBug: So we are in actual agreement on this one eh?
Flmfrk: Apparently so....any comments on the others....any omissions, or move along
OscarBug: I think everyone knows she is going to win. I mean I'd still give Bacall one for the
OscarBug: "Big Sleep"
Flmfrk: what about Key Largo
OscarBug: I'm just glad that English patient wont be getting this one
Flmfrk: Let's hope
OscarBug: Lol. . okay let move on?
Flmfrk: Supporting Actor nominees are
Flmfrk: Cuba Gooding Jr. for Jerry Maguire
Flmfrk: William H. Macy for Fargo
Flmfrk: Armin Mueller-Stahl for Shine
Flmfrk: Edward Norton for Primal Fear
Flmfrk: and James Woods for Ghosts Of Mississippi
Flmfrk: Why is Macy here when he had more screen time than
Flmfrk: Frances McDormand in this film and she got lead actress
OscarBug: The probably thought he had a better chance. .they were wrong!
Flmfrk: Really...who wins here
OscarBug: I think while this is a close call between Gooding and Norton
OscarBug: Norton has already won a few awards as have Gooding. .. Thought they may split it
Flmfrk: Close call...try Gooding all the way...Norton was better in the film he wasn't nominated for
OscarBug: I know and that is why he may still have a chance. But I'll agree that Gooding should get it
Flmfrk: And what is James Woods (who looked like a walking condom) doing here
Flmfrk: (no I haven't seen the film, but who cares)
Flmfrk: Usually, I can think of dozens of people who should have been in this category
Flmfrk: but aren't....this year I can think of two
OscarBug: Gooding though really gave Nuanced performance, Really tender stuff
Flmfrk: And that's why he should get it
OscarBug: He was real without seeming preachy
Flmfrk: show him the Oscar!!!
OscarBug: Wow I can't believe we are two for two. I hope this doesn't last ;)
Flmfrk: it won't
OscarBug: But you have to admit that Norton did give a great performance in Primal Fear
Flmfrk: Didn't see it
Flmfrk: Rather didn't see the whole thing
OscarBug: Well then you (and all of your readers out there) Should. Plus it has Frances McDormand
Flmfrk: This is fun.....shall we move on?
OscarBug: Ah Yup
Flmfrk: Best Actress nominees are
Flmfrk: Brenda Blethyn for Secrets And Lies
Flmfrk: Diane Keaton for Marvin's Room
Flmfrk: Frances McDormand for Fargo
OscarBug: yea
Flmfrk: Kristin Scott Thomas for The English patient
OscarBug: boo
Flmfrk: Emily Watson for Breaking The Waves
Flmfrk: What Boo? Did you see English Patient?
OscarBug: You know if I knew all you had to do was have a private conversation with God to get a Nom?
Flmfrk: Ouch!
OscarBug: I'd have done it long ago. . .uh no I didn't see English Patient.
Flmfrk: Well...we apparently agree again. McDormand all the way
OscarBug: Yea. .that is really all anybody is talking about. She won
Flmfrk: Brenda Blethyn only reminded me of a weepy Jennifer Tilly with a cockney accent
OscarBug: NY Critics, SAG, and many many others
OscarBug: And we all just Love any of the Tilly women for their acting ability
OscarBug: I think I see your point
Flmfrk: Hey...you didn't see Bound....she should have been nominated
OscarBug: For what Indecent Exposure. .oh well all right I'll take your word for it
Flmfrk: just for the lesbian sex scene alone
OscarBug: Hey if that's all you need, I've a few Swedish movies to show you
Flmfrk: been there, done that
OscarBug: But again we digress
Flmfrk: Anyway...the nominees for Best Actor are
Flmfrk: Tom Cruise for Jerry Maguire
Flmfrk: Ralph Fiennes for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Woody Harrelson for The People Vs. Larry Flynt
Flmfrk: Geoffrey Rush for Shine
Flmfrk: and Billy Bob Thornton for Sling Blade
OscarBug: Having Just seen "Sling Blade" I can say "WOW" he just might have it
Flmfrk: I wanna see this
Flmfrk: without having seen it...we'll Cruise all the way
OscarBug: But voting for a guy like him (a convicted killer (twice)) makes it hard
OscarBug: I like Cruise as well but he won't win
Flmfrk: something about his performance touched me...why won't he win
Flmfrk: I think he's paid his dues
Flmfrk: and he's a POPULAR HOLLYWOOD ACTOR...isn't this a HOLLYWOOD
Flmfrk: AWARDS SHOW
OscarBug: He's too liked. . .Like Speilberg Was. People are going to think it was a fluke
OscarBug: Yea but he's too Hollywood. . I think Rush is going to get it
Flmfrk: a fluke....Costner directing one film, winning Best Director, and not directing again
Flmfrk: for a few years is a fluke
Flmfrk: While Cruise is my personal pick....Rush will most likely win
Flmfrk: Which makes us 5 for 5
OscarBug: I agree Cruise really won me over as well? Okay now to Picture eh? The biggies
OscarBug: Or should we wait till the end ?
Flmfrk: Now more importantly....why wasn't Bill Murray nominated for Larger Than Life
OscarBug: Oh you rascal you ?
Flmfrk: Do you know how hard it is to act with an elephant?
Flmfrk: Best Picture nominees are
OscarBug: No wait. .
Flmfrk: okay
OscarBug: We have to make them sit through all the unbearable awards to tantalize them
OscarBug: We just can't blurt it out. . lets do director?
Flmfrk: good point....the nominees for best achievement in art direction are
OscarBug: Good job :)
Flmfrk: Birdcage....English Patient...Evita...Hamlet....and
Flmfrk: William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet
OscarBug: R&J all the Way man. .That was Soo Bitch'n
Flmfrk: Let's cross out the first and last....they're both just Miami movies
OscarBug: But I guess Evita will win it
Flmfrk: Hamlet or Evita....my picks
OscarBug: Hey you got a prob. with Miami. .we'll table that for another time
OscarBug: Yea. ..Evita then.
Flmfrk: no prob. with Miami....just there's no originality in shooting a movie there...
OscarBug: Okay then lets move to Costumes?
Flmfrk: did they have to "dress" sets...no they just point and shoot
Flmfrk: Costume Nominees are...
Flmfrk: Angels & Insects...Emma...English Patient...Hamlet...Portrait Of A Lady
Flmfrk: Hamlet's my pick
OscarBug: Shall we say Hamlet or do you think Portrait has a chance?
Flmfrk: Portrait's got no chance....I tried watching this and turned it off after 15 minutes
OscarBug: Is that good or Bad?
Flmfrk: there's a reason it made less than $1 million at the box office
Flmfrk: Stinkeroonie
OscarBug: You mean it wasn't a feminist backlash? like with Flynt?
Flmfrk: The nominees for cinematography are...
OscarBug: oh boy oh boy
Flmfrk: The English Patient...Evita...Fargo...Fly Away Home (huh)....and Michael Collins
Flmfrk: My pick's Evita...but English Patient will win
Flmfrk: Evita was top notch in all technical categories and deserves them all
OscarBug: I'm going to Have to Agree with you (gosh I'm tired of all this agreeing)
Flmfrk: well I'm not tired of agreeing (there we've disagreed)
OscarBug: But everyone is calling English Patient the next "Lawrence of Arabia"
Flmfrk: That's funny....Dances With Wolves was the last Lawrence Of Arabia
Flmfrk: Best Director?
OscarBug: Please do. . . .
Flmfrk: Anthony Minghella for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Joel Coen for Fargo
OscarBug: Yea
Flmfrk: Milos Forman for The People Vs. Larry Flynt
OscarBug: Sorta yea
Flmfrk: Mike Leigh for Secrets And Lies
OscarBug: eh eh
Flmfrk: Scott Hicks for Shine
OscarBug: okay
Flmfrk: Fargo was not Coen's best film so I hope he doesn't win just for that
Flmfrk: I like Forman a lot.....
OscarBug: He will win for Best Screenplay and Anthony will win though
Flmfrk: The first half of Secrets and Lies was boring and felt like a made for British TV movie
Flmfrk: I can agree with Anthony Minghella winning
OscarBug: That's because they didn't have a story then
Flmfrk: Best Documentary Feature?
OscarBug: Sure. .I've seen almost none (actually all of the none)
Flmfrk: I saw one....
Flmfrk: When We Were King.....the Muhammad Ali film
Flmfrk: It was great and will win.
Flmfrk: Best Documentary Short?
OscarBug: I have to agree. .
OscarBug: About the Short. .let's digress a moment
Flmfrk: sure....digress away
OscarBug: I just have to point out that the likely contender is a Failed Pilot
OscarBug: DreamWorks SKG, made a TV show (with Bebe Neuworth) Couldn't sell it and so entered
OscarBug: it to the Academy. Boy wasn't that special?
OscarBug: It's believed that it will win
OscarBug: okay I'm done
Flmfrk: That's Live Action Short...you're jumping ahead...and I agree
OscarBug: Ooops. .I guess I can't read either?
OscarBug: I'll cut that out and paste it in the right place later
Flmfrk: Documentary Short will go to either the Imax film Special Effects or The Wild Bunch
Flmfrk: no...leave it...it works in context
OscarBug: I'll go for Imax
OscarBug: That's waaayyy cooolll
Flmfrk: I'll go for Peckinpah...there we've officially disagreed
OscarBug: FX FX FX FX FX I WANT MY FX
Flmfrk: Film Editing nominees are....
OscarBug: and no I'm not talking about Fox
Flmfrk: English Patient...Evita...Fargo...Jerry Maguire...Shine
OscarBug: OH well. ..editing will go to Fargo
Flmfrk: Again Evita's my pick...but watch it go to Fargo
OscarBug: Fargo was better paced and thought out, plus it was done under pseudonyms
Flmfrk: Evita should get it just because of the way the music and picture were used
Flmfrk: in conjunction with each other
Flmfrk: Pseudonyms are not a reason to win
OscarBug: If you say so. . . no but pretty darn funny don't you think?
Flmfrk: Evita was better paced and thought out...they had to edit to music
OscarBug: Yea but there was no sync sound how hard is it edit a 2 hour music video?
Flmfrk: and did a damn good job as well...but it'll lose to Fargo (which I'll say again...
Flmfrk: isn't the Coen Brother's best film)
Flmfrk: Foreign Film?
OscarBug: 'ell if I know?
Flmfrk: Who gives a rat's ass?
OscarBug: Moving right along?
Flmfrk: Make-Up nominees are....
OscarBug: DON KING!!
OscarBug: Whoops
Flmfrk: Ghosts Of Mississippi (that's good make-up?)
Flmfrk: The Nutty Professor (winner)
OscarBug: yea (sigh)
Flmfrk: Star Trek: First Contact (should win just cause it'd be cool)
OscarBug: The Queenie was pretty cool, along with the other BORG!
Flmfrk: Best Achievement in Music (Original Musical or Comedy Score)
Flmfrk: nominees are....
Flmfrk: Emma by Rachel Portman
Flmfrk: First Wives Club by Marc Shaiman
Flmfrk: Hunchback Of Notre Dame by Alan Menkin and Stephen Schwartz
Flmfrk: James & Giant Peach by Randy Newman
Flmfrk: and Preacher's Wife by Hans Zimmer
OscarBug: First Wives Club deserves something ,. .why not this? But Hunchback will win
OscarBug: But James was rather good too
Flmfrk: This is a race between Hunchback and James and Hunchback HAD BETTER Win since it wasn't
Flmfrk: nominated for Best Song and is (in my opinion) the best Disney score yet
OscarBug: I have to say (again digressing) that Disney is best with it's villains songs
Flmfrk: Best Achievement in Music (Original Dramatic Score) nominees...
OscarBug: The Judges number was great, and remember Scar's Song. .Villains get the coolest songs
Flmfrk: English Patient by Gabriel Yarad
Flmfrk: Yes villains get the coolest songs....just look at Cruella DeVille
OscarBug: but you were saying...
Flmfrk: sorry I got interrupted....
Flmfrk: Hamlet by Patrick Doyle
Flmfrk: Michael Collins by Elliot Goldenthal
Flmfrk: Shine by David Hirshfelder
Flmfrk: Sleepers by John Williams
OscarBug: Shine will win this, Sleepers????!?!?!?!?oh poor john Williams?
Flmfrk: Personally...I don't care who wins this one....
Flmfrk: Best Song nominees
OscarBug: Well then How about FX FX FX FX FX
OscarBug: Drat. .oh well go on
Flmfrk: Because You Loved Me from Up Close & Personal
OscarBug: No WAY!!!!! AWFULL
Flmfrk: For The First Time from One Fine Day
Flmfrk: I Finally Found Someone from Mirror Has Two Noses
Flmfrk: That Thing You Do from That Thing You Do
Flmfrk: You Must Love Me from Evita (my pick)
OscarBug: I have to say that any song you can listen to for 90min and till tap
OscarBug: has got to be worth something so I'm going for "That Thing you do"
OscarBug: You Must Love me is not only Madonna's Anthem but her stab at being Babs Striesand
Flmfrk: Barf....Image Entertainment has that on their hold music...it makes me wanna barf
OscarBug: Well Barf away from me 'cause it's going to win
Flmfrk: Yeah...but You Must Love me is from a great musical and fits in seamlessly after twenty year
OscarBug: Yea its the only song that doesn't have "Don't Cry for me Argentina" refrain in it
OscarBug: Moving Right along?
Flmfrk: Digressing...did you see the SNL sketch this weekend
OscarBug: no?
Flmfrk: It was funny.
Flmfrk: Best Short Animated film?
Flmfrk: Who cares?
Flmfrk: Best Short Live Action Film?
OscarBug: If Wallace and grommet aren't in it who cares
Flmfrk: We covered that previously by mistake.
Flmfrk: Best Sound
OscarBug: FX FX FX FX
OscarBug: SFX SFX
Flmfrk: The English Patient....Evita....ID4....Rock....Twister
OscarBug: TWISTER. .the only good things was THAT DAMM COW
OscarBug: Give it to them for that
Flmfrk: My pick's Evita....but it'll probably go to Twister and that damn cow
Flmfrk: Best Sound Effects Editing?
OscarBug: Ghost and the Darkness. . .AS IF!!!! ID4 All the way
Flmfrk: ID4 wasn't nominated
Flmfrk: Daylight...Eraser....Ghost & Darkness
OscarBug: OOPS. ..well it should have been :?. Maybe G&D should get it then?
Flmfrk: Just saw Daylight (insert jokes here)....that's my pick...but G&D will win
Flmfrk: Best Visual Effects....now go for it
OscarBug: ID4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flmfrk: Dragonheart....ID4...Twister
OscarBug: Any one that can not only blow up the White House but use over
Flmfrk: I'll agree...but Twister's gonna win
OscarBug: 20 Different FX houses should deserve something
Flmfrk: Best Original Screenplay
OscarBug: FARGO, maybe Lone Star
OscarBug: Whoops am doing this too fast?
Flmfrk: No....I keep getting e-mail...I'm holding two conversations at once....
OscarBug: Naughty Boy. . .You should be paying full attention here
Flmfrk: it's rude...I'm sorry...but this stranger has been e-mailing me and I'm intrigued to see
Flmfrk: where it might go.
OscarBug: I gotta go to work tomorrow. .let's kick this into high gear
OscarBug: Hey this isn't Ricky Lake?!
Flmfrk: Anyway....nominees are Fargo...Jerry Maguire...Lone Star...Shine
Flmfrk: and Secrets And Lies
Flmfrk: Fargo wins only if it don't pick up anything else
OscarBug: Fargo. .but Jerry and Lone Star have a chance
Flmfrk: Maguire or Lone Star should get it
Flmfrk: Best Adapted Screenplay
OscarBug: Adapted Screenplay? Shakespeare Anyone?
Flmfrk: Crucible...English Patient...Hamlet....Sling Blade...Trainspotting
OscarBug: Naw he's not good enough for Hollywood
OscarBug: Trainspotting or Patient?
Flmfrk: Haven't seen any of these...but Sling Blade gets my pick
Flmfrk: Trainspotting was too icky
Flmfrk: Trainspotting was also too foreign...I've never seen an English language
Flmfrk: film that NEEDED subtitles like this one
Flmfrk: Well we're there.
Flmfrk: It's time for Best Picture
OscarBug: Okay BEST PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OscarBug: ,
OscarBug: .
OscarBug: ..
OscarBug: ::Waiting::::
Flmfrk: Sorry.....
OscarBug: Aahhh. .much better
OscarBug: Where were we?
Flmfrk: English Patient...Fargo.....Jerry Maguire....Secrets And Lies...Shine
Flmfrk: Patience is a virtue....but Jerry's my friend
OscarBug: Okay I'd love to see Fargo win it, but it won't. Hell I'd even like Jerry,
OscarBug: But yea English Patient will take this away. .how very very disturbing eh?
OscarBug: Maybe Shine and Patient will split it and Fargo will win?
Flmfrk: Possible...but don't count on it....
OscarBug: It's something to hope for? :(.
Flmfrk: I'm rooting for Jerry
Flmfrk: Did we cover anything?
Flmfrk: I mean everything?
OscarBug: nothing and everything. ..a little of this a little of that
OscarBug: With a schmere on the side?
OscarBug: I hope we have entertained as well as educated (yea right)?
Flmfrk: Yuuummmmm...schmere
Flmfrk: Well at least everyone knows that I'm being stalked by some psycho on line
Flmfrk: Actually she seems really nice
OscarBug: I'm hungry too. .I think it time for some Pre-Oscar Food?
Flmfrk: Pre-Oscar food? Aren't you a few days early?
OscarBug: don't want it to get stale?
OscarBug: Oh well. ..shall we end this. ..we need a catchy ending. ..like Siskle and Ebert?
Flmfrk: Sure let's end this on a high note
Flmfrk: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Flmfrk: or better yet.....
OscarBug: gee and I was going to say c-sharp?! -- go figure ;]
Flmfrk: C is for Cookie and we'll be c-ing you at the movies
OscarBug: Oh that is so bad :--(
Flmfrk: can you tell I'm a bit giddy?
Flmfrk: I can do worse
OscarBug: Well Till next year save your Chocolate Oscars for Us
Flmfrk: MMMMMM....Chocolate Oscars
OscarBug: And we'll be singing youuuuuu
OscarBug: Okay say goodnight Joel
Flmfrk: Goodnight Gracie
OscarBug: Thanks folks. .Cya
Flmfrk: Th....th....that's all folks
OscarBug: that's a wrap
OscarBug: Whew. .boy are my fingers tired
Flmfrk: are we gonna fight over who gets the last word?
OscarBug: you can have it
Flmfrk: I don't want it
OscarBug: Fine. ..I'll take it
Flmfrk: go for it
OscarBug: Bye Folks! and Have a pleasant Tomorrow
berating that empire again
Perhaps by now some of you might have had the chance to see the trailer for this summer's Batman And Robin. If you have, you know how "cool" the movie "looks" and how sucky the movie looks. The former is about the look of the film (costumes, sets, backgrounds), the latter is the plot. What schmuck decided to cram Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane (all as major characters) with Alfred, Commissioner Gordon, Bruce Wayne's latest girlfriend, Dr. Jason Woodrue, Mr. Freeze's wife, and Mr. Freeze's girlfriend? Is there any room for plot? And what the hell are Freeze and Ivy doing together to begin with? Talk about two characters with two completely separate agendas! It's time for the people at Warner to have their heads examined. Fire Joel Schumacher......that's the only way to put this train back on the right track. The first two films had their own problems, but they seem insignificant to what Schumacher's mangled for his two films....make that three films. Look for Batman 5 (to be titled later....my suggestion....Batman Sucks) in the summer of 1999...directed by Schumacher....with Clooney as Batman.....O'Donnell as Robin.....Mel Gibson as the Mad Hatter......Jenny McCarthy as Harley Quinn.....and either Howard Stern or Michael J. Fox (depending on the rumor) as the Scarecrow. God help us all.
bond trading
Well folks....it's got a title....the 18th James Bond film will be called Tomorrow Never Dies. Pierce Brosnan returns as agent 007 teams up with a Hong Kong cop (Michelle Kahn of Supercop) and tries to stop a mega-million media mogul from destroying the world (specifically Hong Kong before it goes back to the Chinese). Jonathan Pryce plays the villain. Samantha Bond returns as Miss Moneypenny, Dame Judy Dench returns as M, and in the put-the-old-horse-out-of-its-misery-department....Desmond Llewelyn returns as Q (hopefully director Roger Spottiswood will get Llewelyn to not look at cue cards). Look for it at Christmastime. BTW Brosnan will only be doing one or two more Bond films after this. His initial contract was for three films, with an option on the fourth and he's publicly stated that he will fulfill his contract and then leave the role.
the end of the world as we know it
Well we've reached the end of another episode...Next month...the issue shows up sometime in the month again.....a comparison of dueling volcano films (even though one's gone already).....more on Crash....the second part to the laser article from January.....a DVD update....my Professional Wrestling article....and other stuff that's been brewing for quite some time.
Be seeing you
Joel
Welcome to another fun packed issue, folks. This month there's lots to cover....so let's get started.
genitalia
While I've never been a fan of his radio show, I've also never really found anything that Howard Stern says truly offensive (at least not personally), but I could understand why others did (hey we live in one of the most narrow-minded countries on the planet). Stern has proclaimed himself the "King Of All Media" and I have to wonder exactly as to what this term might mean. In spite of the fact that his film has gotten generally good reviews (and he gets another one in the next paragraph) and made a decent showing opening weekend, has he truly conquered the film industry? I think not. He keep proclaiming that his film tested with the highest scores out of any film in the history of Paramount Pictures, including Forrest Gump. Yet he doesn't seem to realize that this amounts to a whole lot of nothing in Hollywood. Gump got a C in its tests, yet it made a shitload of money and won a crapload of Oscars. So much for Hollywood tests. Anyway...my review....
Private Parts gives us a side of Stern that you don't get on the radio. Here's where you see the sensitive, I'm only joking side. And there isn't too much of his "radio" humor involved in this story (what is there has been toned down for the general public). Surprisingly, especially since he's playing himself, Stern has some acting ability (perhaps because his whole "bad boy" persona is an act). The film is skillfully directed by Betty Thomas (of Hill Street Blues who has also directed The Brady Bunch and The Late Shift - a film that this one resembles in almost every way). Whether you love or hate Stern, this film is entertaining and will be enjoyed even if you're determined not to.
those damn jedi are back again?
The release of Return of The Jedi: Special Edition brings the Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition to a less than stunning climax. But this was also true of the previous theatrical version. This third chapter has always been something of a letdown. The first third of the film deals with the rescue of Han Solo from the evil slug-gangster Jabba The Hutt. It is here that the special edition has most of its reworking. A musical number has been added to replace a previous one and it makes the death of Jabba's dancer Oola a bit more logical (she doesn't want to dance again for him). Boba Fett has been added into close-ups wherever possible. This is completely disconcerting because the new Fett footage is more colorful than the old Fett footage. The Sarlaac (the creature in the desert pit) has been given more tentacles and a beak that comes out and swallows people. Lucas could have taken the opportunity to keep Boba Fett alive, by having the Sarlaac spit him out (and thereby keep continuity with the novels that have been written of late where Fett's still alive due to this exact happening), but he doesn't and so Fett slides into the creature. With all the big hoopla of spruced up special effects, one scene that needed it and didn't get it is Luke's battle with the Rancor in Jabba's palace. Both Luke and the Rancor looked superimposed (depending on the shot) and nothing was done to correct this....it still looks cheesy. After Han's rescue the movie gets boring for a while (the middle third involves setting up everything for the final third). The Ewoks are still cute and annoying and pointless (couldn't they have digitally wiped out this race of creature and replaced them with Pirhana-people or something like that?). The end of the film is divided into three parts, two of which work (the one that doesn't involves the Ewoks). The very end of Jedi has had the most changes. The music of the Ewoks has been replaced with what sounds like a world music version of the Star Wars theme. The visuals now include celebrations and fireworks displays on Bespin's Cloud City, Tatooine's Mos Eisley Space Port, and the Imperial Homeworld of Coruscant (which has not appeared in any of the films until now, is untitled in the film, and can only be known by descriptions from the recent novels and the toppling of the Emperor's statue - which you might blink and miss) before returning to Endor and the Ewoks and that silly "photo" of main characters that ends the film. Don't get me wrong...this isn't a horrible film, it's just the least of the three. Oh and on a side note....while watching this film, it dawned on me....if Ben's a ghost....why does he have to move branches out of his path, walk around trees, and sit on rocks? Any answers are welcome.
oscar chat
What follows is a transcript of predictions for the 69th Annual Academy Awards. The two speakers are myself and Jason Victor. The transcript is only slightly edited.
Flmfrk: hello
Flmfrk: hooray
OscarBug: Okay Lets get this show on the road. .you want to do the intro.?
Flmfrk: okay let's get started
Flmfrk: sure I'll do the intro.
Flmfrk: hellllooooo readers
Flmfrk: welcome to the first annual "siskel & ebert-type" Oscar previews
Flmfrk: what you're reading is a transcript of an online conversation between
Flmfrk: Joel Fenster (Flmfrk) and Jason Victor (OscarBug)
OscarBug: Helloooooo
Flmfrk: hopefully I'll remember to save this and you'll actually be reading it
Flmfrk: that's hopefully
OscarBug: Don't worry I'm making periodic back ups as we type
Flmfrk: So Jason....do you wanna start with the crap categories
OscarBug: Sure. . .let's start with the big ones. .or better known as the Top 5
OscarBug: They are: Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress
Flmfrk: I meant crap as in shorts, documentaries, and foreign...but this year
Flmfrk: the top five are also crap
OscarBug: OOPS. .my mistake. .sorry :)
Flmfrk: Supporting Actress nominees are
Flmfrk: Joan Allen for The Crucible
Flmfrk: Lauren Bacall for The Mirror Has Two Noses
Flmfrk: Juliette Binoche for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Barbara Hershey for Portrait of A Lady
Flmfrk: and Marianne Jean-Baptiste for Secrets and Lies
OscarBug: Let me start by digressing
Flmfrk: I've seen one of these films
Flmfrk: digress away
OscarBug: I think we should make it clear that although we may not have seen al the films
OscarBug: that does not prevent us from having a good opinion about them
Flmfrk: true true
OscarBug: Well I'm going to jump out of the gate and say clearly Bacall has it in the bag
Flmfrk: Personally...I've always loved Bacall so she should win before she croaks
OscarBug: I mean really, she's never won, Hollywood Loves her and she needs her due
OscarBug: Hollywood always gives it to the "Elder" statesman. Look at Geraldine Paige or
Flmfrk: The others I could care less about....I saw Secrets And Lies and felt that
OscarBug: Jessica Tandy
Flmfrk: Ms. Jean-Baptiste was good, but nothing special
OscarBug: So we are in actual agreement on this one eh?
Flmfrk: Apparently so....any comments on the others....any omissions, or move along
OscarBug: I think everyone knows she is going to win. I mean I'd still give Bacall one for the
OscarBug: "Big Sleep"
Flmfrk: what about Key Largo
OscarBug: I'm just glad that English patient wont be getting this one
Flmfrk: Let's hope
OscarBug: Lol. . okay let move on?
Flmfrk: Supporting Actor nominees are
Flmfrk: Cuba Gooding Jr. for Jerry Maguire
Flmfrk: William H. Macy for Fargo
Flmfrk: Armin Mueller-Stahl for Shine
Flmfrk: Edward Norton for Primal Fear
Flmfrk: and James Woods for Ghosts Of Mississippi
Flmfrk: Why is Macy here when he had more screen time than
Flmfrk: Frances McDormand in this film and she got lead actress
OscarBug: The probably thought he had a better chance. .they were wrong!
Flmfrk: Really...who wins here
OscarBug: I think while this is a close call between Gooding and Norton
OscarBug: Norton has already won a few awards as have Gooding. .. Thought they may split it
Flmfrk: Close call...try Gooding all the way...Norton was better in the film he wasn't nominated for
OscarBug: I know and that is why he may still have a chance. But I'll agree that Gooding should get it
Flmfrk: And what is James Woods (who looked like a walking condom) doing here
Flmfrk: (no I haven't seen the film, but who cares)
Flmfrk: Usually, I can think of dozens of people who should have been in this category
Flmfrk: but aren't....this year I can think of two
OscarBug: Gooding though really gave Nuanced performance, Really tender stuff
Flmfrk: And that's why he should get it
OscarBug: He was real without seeming preachy
Flmfrk: show him the Oscar!!!
OscarBug: Wow I can't believe we are two for two. I hope this doesn't last ;)
Flmfrk: it won't
OscarBug: But you have to admit that Norton did give a great performance in Primal Fear
Flmfrk: Didn't see it
Flmfrk: Rather didn't see the whole thing
OscarBug: Well then you (and all of your readers out there) Should. Plus it has Frances McDormand
Flmfrk: This is fun.....shall we move on?
OscarBug: Ah Yup
Flmfrk: Best Actress nominees are
Flmfrk: Brenda Blethyn for Secrets And Lies
Flmfrk: Diane Keaton for Marvin's Room
Flmfrk: Frances McDormand for Fargo
OscarBug: yea
Flmfrk: Kristin Scott Thomas for The English patient
OscarBug: boo
Flmfrk: Emily Watson for Breaking The Waves
Flmfrk: What Boo? Did you see English Patient?
OscarBug: You know if I knew all you had to do was have a private conversation with God to get a Nom?
Flmfrk: Ouch!
OscarBug: I'd have done it long ago. . .uh no I didn't see English Patient.
Flmfrk: Well...we apparently agree again. McDormand all the way
OscarBug: Yea. .that is really all anybody is talking about. She won
Flmfrk: Brenda Blethyn only reminded me of a weepy Jennifer Tilly with a cockney accent
OscarBug: NY Critics, SAG, and many many others
OscarBug: And we all just Love any of the Tilly women for their acting ability
OscarBug: I think I see your point
Flmfrk: Hey...you didn't see Bound....she should have been nominated
OscarBug: For what Indecent Exposure. .oh well all right I'll take your word for it
Flmfrk: just for the lesbian sex scene alone
OscarBug: Hey if that's all you need, I've a few Swedish movies to show you
Flmfrk: been there, done that
OscarBug: But again we digress
Flmfrk: Anyway...the nominees for Best Actor are
Flmfrk: Tom Cruise for Jerry Maguire
Flmfrk: Ralph Fiennes for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Woody Harrelson for The People Vs. Larry Flynt
Flmfrk: Geoffrey Rush for Shine
Flmfrk: and Billy Bob Thornton for Sling Blade
OscarBug: Having Just seen "Sling Blade" I can say "WOW" he just might have it
Flmfrk: I wanna see this
Flmfrk: without having seen it...we'll Cruise all the way
OscarBug: But voting for a guy like him (a convicted killer (twice)) makes it hard
OscarBug: I like Cruise as well but he won't win
Flmfrk: something about his performance touched me...why won't he win
Flmfrk: I think he's paid his dues
Flmfrk: and he's a POPULAR HOLLYWOOD ACTOR...isn't this a HOLLYWOOD
Flmfrk: AWARDS SHOW
OscarBug: He's too liked. . .Like Speilberg Was. People are going to think it was a fluke
OscarBug: Yea but he's too Hollywood. . I think Rush is going to get it
Flmfrk: a fluke....Costner directing one film, winning Best Director, and not directing again
Flmfrk: for a few years is a fluke
Flmfrk: While Cruise is my personal pick....Rush will most likely win
Flmfrk: Which makes us 5 for 5
OscarBug: I agree Cruise really won me over as well? Okay now to Picture eh? The biggies
OscarBug: Or should we wait till the end ?
Flmfrk: Now more importantly....why wasn't Bill Murray nominated for Larger Than Life
OscarBug: Oh you rascal you ?
Flmfrk: Do you know how hard it is to act with an elephant?
Flmfrk: Best Picture nominees are
OscarBug: No wait. .
Flmfrk: okay
OscarBug: We have to make them sit through all the unbearable awards to tantalize them
OscarBug: We just can't blurt it out. . lets do director?
Flmfrk: good point....the nominees for best achievement in art direction are
OscarBug: Good job :)
Flmfrk: Birdcage....English Patient...Evita...Hamlet....and
Flmfrk: William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet
OscarBug: R&J all the Way man. .That was Soo Bitch'n
Flmfrk: Let's cross out the first and last....they're both just Miami movies
OscarBug: But I guess Evita will win it
Flmfrk: Hamlet or Evita....my picks
OscarBug: Hey you got a prob. with Miami. .we'll table that for another time
OscarBug: Yea. ..Evita then.
Flmfrk: no prob. with Miami....just there's no originality in shooting a movie there...
OscarBug: Okay then lets move to Costumes?
Flmfrk: did they have to "dress" sets...no they just point and shoot
Flmfrk: Costume Nominees are...
Flmfrk: Angels & Insects...Emma...English Patient...Hamlet...Portrait Of A Lady
Flmfrk: Hamlet's my pick
OscarBug: Shall we say Hamlet or do you think Portrait has a chance?
Flmfrk: Portrait's got no chance....I tried watching this and turned it off after 15 minutes
OscarBug: Is that good or Bad?
Flmfrk: there's a reason it made less than $1 million at the box office
Flmfrk: Stinkeroonie
OscarBug: You mean it wasn't a feminist backlash? like with Flynt?
Flmfrk: The nominees for cinematography are...
OscarBug: oh boy oh boy
Flmfrk: The English Patient...Evita...Fargo...Fly Away Home (huh)....and Michael Collins
Flmfrk: My pick's Evita...but English Patient will win
Flmfrk: Evita was top notch in all technical categories and deserves them all
OscarBug: I'm going to Have to Agree with you (gosh I'm tired of all this agreeing)
Flmfrk: well I'm not tired of agreeing (there we've disagreed)
OscarBug: But everyone is calling English Patient the next "Lawrence of Arabia"
Flmfrk: That's funny....Dances With Wolves was the last Lawrence Of Arabia
Flmfrk: Best Director?
OscarBug: Please do. . . .
Flmfrk: Anthony Minghella for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Joel Coen for Fargo
OscarBug: Yea
Flmfrk: Milos Forman for The People Vs. Larry Flynt
OscarBug: Sorta yea
Flmfrk: Mike Leigh for Secrets And Lies
OscarBug: eh eh
Flmfrk: Scott Hicks for Shine
OscarBug: okay
Flmfrk: Fargo was not Coen's best film so I hope he doesn't win just for that
Flmfrk: I like Forman a lot.....
OscarBug: He will win for Best Screenplay and Anthony will win though
Flmfrk: The first half of Secrets and Lies was boring and felt like a made for British TV movie
Flmfrk: I can agree with Anthony Minghella winning
OscarBug: That's because they didn't have a story then
Flmfrk: Best Documentary Feature?
OscarBug: Sure. .I've seen almost none (actually all of the none)
Flmfrk: I saw one....
Flmfrk: When We Were King.....the Muhammad Ali film
Flmfrk: It was great and will win.
Flmfrk: Best Documentary Short?
OscarBug: I have to agree. .
OscarBug: About the Short. .let's digress a moment
Flmfrk: sure....digress away
OscarBug: I just have to point out that the likely contender is a Failed Pilot
OscarBug: DreamWorks SKG, made a TV show (with Bebe Neuworth) Couldn't sell it and so entered
OscarBug: it to the Academy. Boy wasn't that special?
OscarBug: It's believed that it will win
OscarBug: okay I'm done
Flmfrk: That's Live Action Short...you're jumping ahead...and I agree
OscarBug: Ooops. .I guess I can't read either?
OscarBug: I'll cut that out and paste it in the right place later
Flmfrk: Documentary Short will go to either the Imax film Special Effects or The Wild Bunch
Flmfrk: no...leave it...it works in context
OscarBug: I'll go for Imax
OscarBug: That's waaayyy cooolll
Flmfrk: I'll go for Peckinpah...there we've officially disagreed
OscarBug: FX FX FX FX FX I WANT MY FX
Flmfrk: Film Editing nominees are....
OscarBug: and no I'm not talking about Fox
Flmfrk: English Patient...Evita...Fargo...Jerry Maguire...Shine
OscarBug: OH well. ..editing will go to Fargo
Flmfrk: Again Evita's my pick...but watch it go to Fargo
OscarBug: Fargo was better paced and thought out, plus it was done under pseudonyms
Flmfrk: Evita should get it just because of the way the music and picture were used
Flmfrk: in conjunction with each other
Flmfrk: Pseudonyms are not a reason to win
OscarBug: If you say so. . . no but pretty darn funny don't you think?
Flmfrk: Evita was better paced and thought out...they had to edit to music
OscarBug: Yea but there was no sync sound how hard is it edit a 2 hour music video?
Flmfrk: and did a damn good job as well...but it'll lose to Fargo (which I'll say again...
Flmfrk: isn't the Coen Brother's best film)
Flmfrk: Foreign Film?
OscarBug: 'ell if I know?
Flmfrk: Who gives a rat's ass?
OscarBug: Moving right along?
Flmfrk: Make-Up nominees are....
OscarBug: DON KING!!
OscarBug: Whoops
Flmfrk: Ghosts Of Mississippi (that's good make-up?)
Flmfrk: The Nutty Professor (winner)
OscarBug: yea (sigh)
Flmfrk: Star Trek: First Contact (should win just cause it'd be cool)
OscarBug: The Queenie was pretty cool, along with the other BORG!
Flmfrk: Best Achievement in Music (Original Musical or Comedy Score)
Flmfrk: nominees are....
Flmfrk: Emma by Rachel Portman
Flmfrk: First Wives Club by Marc Shaiman
Flmfrk: Hunchback Of Notre Dame by Alan Menkin and Stephen Schwartz
Flmfrk: James & Giant Peach by Randy Newman
Flmfrk: and Preacher's Wife by Hans Zimmer
OscarBug: First Wives Club deserves something ,. .why not this? But Hunchback will win
OscarBug: But James was rather good too
Flmfrk: This is a race between Hunchback and James and Hunchback HAD BETTER Win since it wasn't
Flmfrk: nominated for Best Song and is (in my opinion) the best Disney score yet
OscarBug: I have to say (again digressing) that Disney is best with it's villains songs
Flmfrk: Best Achievement in Music (Original Dramatic Score) nominees...
OscarBug: The Judges number was great, and remember Scar's Song. .Villains get the coolest songs
Flmfrk: English Patient by Gabriel Yarad
Flmfrk: Yes villains get the coolest songs....just look at Cruella DeVille
OscarBug: but you were saying...
Flmfrk: sorry I got interrupted....
Flmfrk: Hamlet by Patrick Doyle
Flmfrk: Michael Collins by Elliot Goldenthal
Flmfrk: Shine by David Hirshfelder
Flmfrk: Sleepers by John Williams
OscarBug: Shine will win this, Sleepers????!?!?!?!?oh poor john Williams?
Flmfrk: Personally...I don't care who wins this one....
Flmfrk: Best Song nominees
OscarBug: Well then How about FX FX FX FX FX
OscarBug: Drat. .oh well go on
Flmfrk: Because You Loved Me from Up Close & Personal
OscarBug: No WAY!!!!! AWFULL
Flmfrk: For The First Time from One Fine Day
Flmfrk: I Finally Found Someone from Mirror Has Two Noses
Flmfrk: That Thing You Do from That Thing You Do
Flmfrk: You Must Love Me from Evita (my pick)
OscarBug: I have to say that any song you can listen to for 90min and till tap
OscarBug: has got to be worth something so I'm going for "That Thing you do"
OscarBug: You Must Love me is not only Madonna's Anthem but her stab at being Babs Striesand
Flmfrk: Barf....Image Entertainment has that on their hold music...it makes me wanna barf
OscarBug: Well Barf away from me 'cause it's going to win
Flmfrk: Yeah...but You Must Love me is from a great musical and fits in seamlessly after twenty year
OscarBug: Yea its the only song that doesn't have "Don't Cry for me Argentina" refrain in it
OscarBug: Moving Right along?
Flmfrk: Digressing...did you see the SNL sketch this weekend
OscarBug: no?
Flmfrk: It was funny.
Flmfrk: Best Short Animated film?
Flmfrk: Who cares?
Flmfrk: Best Short Live Action Film?
OscarBug: If Wallace and grommet aren't in it who cares
Flmfrk: We covered that previously by mistake.
Flmfrk: Best Sound
OscarBug: FX FX FX FX
OscarBug: SFX SFX
Flmfrk: The English Patient....Evita....ID4....Rock....Twister
OscarBug: TWISTER. .the only good things was THAT DAMM COW
OscarBug: Give it to them for that
Flmfrk: My pick's Evita....but it'll probably go to Twister and that damn cow
Flmfrk: Best Sound Effects Editing?
OscarBug: Ghost and the Darkness. . .AS IF!!!! ID4 All the way
Flmfrk: ID4 wasn't nominated
Flmfrk: Daylight...Eraser....Ghost & Darkness
OscarBug: OOPS. ..well it should have been :?. Maybe G&D should get it then?
Flmfrk: Just saw Daylight (insert jokes here)....that's my pick...but G&D will win
Flmfrk: Best Visual Effects....now go for it
OscarBug: ID4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flmfrk: Dragonheart....ID4...Twister
OscarBug: Any one that can not only blow up the White House but use over
Flmfrk: I'll agree...but Twister's gonna win
OscarBug: 20 Different FX houses should deserve something
Flmfrk: Best Original Screenplay
OscarBug: FARGO, maybe Lone Star
OscarBug: Whoops am doing this too fast?
Flmfrk: No....I keep getting e-mail...I'm holding two conversations at once....
OscarBug: Naughty Boy. . .You should be paying full attention here
Flmfrk: it's rude...I'm sorry...but this stranger has been e-mailing me and I'm intrigued to see
Flmfrk: where it might go.
OscarBug: I gotta go to work tomorrow. .let's kick this into high gear
OscarBug: Hey this isn't Ricky Lake?!
Flmfrk: Anyway....nominees are Fargo...Jerry Maguire...Lone Star...Shine
Flmfrk: and Secrets And Lies
Flmfrk: Fargo wins only if it don't pick up anything else
OscarBug: Fargo. .but Jerry and Lone Star have a chance
Flmfrk: Maguire or Lone Star should get it
Flmfrk: Best Adapted Screenplay
OscarBug: Adapted Screenplay? Shakespeare Anyone?
Flmfrk: Crucible...English Patient...Hamlet....Sling Blade...Trainspotting
OscarBug: Naw he's not good enough for Hollywood
OscarBug: Trainspotting or Patient?
Flmfrk: Haven't seen any of these...but Sling Blade gets my pick
Flmfrk: Trainspotting was too icky
Flmfrk: Trainspotting was also too foreign...I've never seen an English language
Flmfrk: film that NEEDED subtitles like this one
Flmfrk: Well we're there.
Flmfrk: It's time for Best Picture
OscarBug: Okay BEST PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OscarBug: ,
OscarBug: .
OscarBug: ..
OscarBug: ::Waiting::::
Flmfrk: Sorry.....
OscarBug: Aahhh. .much better
OscarBug: Where were we?
Flmfrk: English Patient...Fargo.....Jerry Maguire....Secrets And Lies...Shine
Flmfrk: Patience is a virtue....but Jerry's my friend
OscarBug: Okay I'd love to see Fargo win it, but it won't. Hell I'd even like Jerry,
OscarBug: But yea English Patient will take this away. .how very very disturbing eh?
OscarBug: Maybe Shine and Patient will split it and Fargo will win?
Flmfrk: Possible...but don't count on it....
OscarBug: It's something to hope for? :(.
Flmfrk: I'm rooting for Jerry
Flmfrk: Did we cover anything?
Flmfrk: I mean everything?
OscarBug: nothing and everything. ..a little of this a little of that
OscarBug: With a schmere on the side?
OscarBug: I hope we have entertained as well as educated (yea right)?
Flmfrk: Yuuummmmm...schmere
Flmfrk: Well at least everyone knows that I'm being stalked by some psycho on line
Flmfrk: Actually she seems really nice
OscarBug: I'm hungry too. .I think it time for some Pre-Oscar Food?
Flmfrk: Pre-Oscar food? Aren't you a few days early?
OscarBug: don't want it to get stale?
OscarBug: Oh well. ..shall we end this. ..we need a catchy ending. ..like Siskle and Ebert?
Flmfrk: Sure let's end this on a high note
Flmfrk: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Flmfrk: or better yet.....
OscarBug: gee and I was going to say c-sharp?! -- go figure ;]
Flmfrk: C is for Cookie and we'll be c-ing you at the movies
OscarBug: Oh that is so bad :--(
Flmfrk: can you tell I'm a bit giddy?
Flmfrk: I can do worse
OscarBug: Well Till next year save your Chocolate Oscars for Us
Flmfrk: MMMMMM....Chocolate Oscars
OscarBug: And we'll be singing youuuuuu
OscarBug: Okay say goodnight Joel
Flmfrk: Goodnight Gracie
OscarBug: Thanks folks. .Cya
Flmfrk: Th....th....that's all folks
OscarBug: that's a wrap
OscarBug: Whew. .boy are my fingers tired
Flmfrk: are we gonna fight over who gets the last word?
OscarBug: you can have it
Flmfrk: I don't want it
OscarBug: Fine. ..I'll take it
Flmfrk: go for it
OscarBug: Bye Folks! and Have a pleasant Tomorrow
berating that empire again
Perhaps by now some of you might have had the chance to see the trailer for this summer's Batman And Robin. If you have, you know how "cool" the movie "looks" and how sucky the movie looks. The former is about the look of the film (costumes, sets, backgrounds), the latter is the plot. What schmuck decided to cram Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane (all as major characters) with Alfred, Commissioner Gordon, Bruce Wayne's latest girlfriend, Dr. Jason Woodrue, Mr. Freeze's wife, and Mr. Freeze's girlfriend? Is there any room for plot? And what the hell are Freeze and Ivy doing together to begin with? Talk about two characters with two completely separate agendas! It's time for the people at Warner to have their heads examined. Fire Joel Schumacher......that's the only way to put this train back on the right track. The first two films had their own problems, but they seem insignificant to what Schumacher's mangled for his two films....make that three films. Look for Batman 5 (to be titled later....my suggestion....Batman Sucks) in the summer of 1999...directed by Schumacher....with Clooney as Batman.....O'Donnell as Robin.....Mel Gibson as the Mad Hatter......Jenny McCarthy as Harley Quinn.....and either Howard Stern or Michael J. Fox (depending on the rumor) as the Scarecrow. God help us all.
bond trading
Well folks....it's got a title....the 18th James Bond film will be called Tomorrow Never Dies. Pierce Brosnan returns as agent 007 teams up with a Hong Kong cop (Michelle Kahn of Supercop) and tries to stop a mega-million media mogul from destroying the world (specifically Hong Kong before it goes back to the Chinese). Jonathan Pryce plays the villain. Samantha Bond returns as Miss Moneypenny, Dame Judy Dench returns as M, and in the put-the-old-horse-out-of-its-misery-department....Desmond Llewelyn returns as Q (hopefully director Roger Spottiswood will get Llewelyn to not look at cue cards). Look for it at Christmastime. BTW Brosnan will only be doing one or two more Bond films after this. His initial contract was for three films, with an option on the fourth and he's publicly stated that he will fulfill his contract and then leave the role.
the end of the world as we know it
Well we've reached the end of another episode...Next month...the issue shows up sometime in the month again.....a comparison of dueling volcano films (even though one's gone already).....more on Crash....the second part to the laser article from January.....a DVD update....my Professional Wrestling article....and other stuff that's been brewing for quite some time.
Be seeing you
Joel
Saturday, February 01, 1997
New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 5
welcome to the show
It's the extra-special-February-Empire-Strikes-Back-With-A-Vengeance-issue, in which the evil Darth Vader reveals to his son Luke Skywalker that even though it's the hot new thing running around the Empire, his adventures won't be available on DVD anytime in the near future. So without any further baloney.....here's the show....everything somehow winding up as a full frontal assault on that evil empire we all know as Warner Brothers.
the 5 worst films of 1996
5) THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT - it's time for Geena Davis to stop working with her latest husband. She's probably assuming that since her and her previous husband created screen magic (and it was before they were married), that she and her current one can replicate that magic. Well Renny Harlin ain't Jeff Goldblum. Hell Renny Harlin's barely Paul Verhoeven. This movie doesn't suck as bad as Cutthroat Island, but it does come very close. And what's with humans being able to outrun explosions. I'm tired of bullshit like this, no matter how cool it looks. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC MARCH 18
4) CHAIN REACTION - this tired retread of The Fugitive proves that it was the story and not Keanue Reeves that made Speed the hit it was (and what will make Speed 2: Cruise Control as big a pile of shit as this film). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
3) THE PALLBEARER - if ever there was an opportunity for a good film to happen, this was it. David Schwimmer is likable on TV's Friends, but here he's annoying....I mean annoyingly annoying. This tired retread of The Graduate could have been original and funny. Instead it's boring and painful. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
2) MULLHOLLAND FALLS - this film has one of the best casts in the history of movies. Nick Nolte, Chaz Palminteri, Chris Penn, Michael Madsen, John Malkovich, Melanie Griffith, Jennifer Connally, Andrew McCarthy, and Treat Williams are some of the best (except maybe Melanie) actors working today. What the hell attracted them to this crappy film noir about the Hat Squad getting involved with a murdered prostitute whose death is connected to the explosion of the A-bomb? What a waste! AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
1) SPACE JAM - brought to you by the evil empire known as Warner Brothers, this "film" is nothing more than a very long commercial for basketball, sneakers, stuffed dolls, and cheeseburgers. This film is a monument to everything that is wrong in Hollywood today. The creators of the Looney Tunes are either rolling in their graves or dropping dead over this shit. I could go on and on over this, but what's the point. The film has one saving grace: R. Kelley's song "I Believe I Can Fly" is one of the most beautiful and inspiring songs to come along in a long time. Never have I walked out of a film craving a Big Mac. I hope it never happens again. ON VIDEO MARCH 18, ON DVD MARCH 24, ON LASERDISC JULY 1
the 25 best films of 1996
25) THE FIRST WIVES CLUB - entertaining and funny. This film shows that there are still decent parts for Hollywood's older women. They're just few and far between and keep being given to the same people. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC MARCH 11
24) STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT - hey...whaddya know...this franchise could easily survive the death of James T. Kirk and still contain a good story. I'm still distressed that Picard and Data are stealing center stage again, but maybe the next one'll give the others a chance to shine (and leave Worf on DS9 where he belongs). PROJECTED VIDEO RELEASE JUNE 1997 BOTH VIDEO & LASERDISC
23) ALADDIN AND THE KING OF THIEVES - what...you don't remember this being in theaters...surprise! It wasn't. This is the second sequel to Disney's Aladdin and the third time is a charm. This direct to video film reunites Robin Williams' Genie with the rest of the cast and brings Aladdin into contact with his long lost father on the day of his wedding to Jasmine. Catch it if you can...it's still better than most other animated films (aside from Disney theatricals). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
22) THE ROCK - as action films go, this one has it all. A great cast, great special effects, and a great story (in spite of a long drawn out chase sequence that, while fun, belongs in a cartoon and not here). Connery is fine fashion as a convict who is essentially James Bond, but over the hill. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. CRITERION COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE IN APRIL
21) RANSOM - Ron Howard directs an on fire Mel Gibson in this suspense film where the good guy does an aberrant thing and turns the tables on the bad guy in a way that you'd never guess (unless you saw the previews which gave this twist away). ON VIDEO MAY 13, AVAILABLE ON LASERDISC WITH 15 MINUTES OF EXTRA FOOTAGE MAY 27
20) MATILDA - Danny DeVito, the newest master of macabre, has adapted Roald Dahl's novel for children into a wonderful film for the whole family. It's just dark enough for kids to enjoy without having nightmares forever. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. ON DVD JUNE 1997
19) JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH - Roald Dahl at the movies again, but this time he's animated by the same team that brought us The Nightmare Before Christmas. And like the previous film...it too is dark without being inaccessible to children. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. PROJECTED LASERDISC RELEASE SUMMER 1997
18) THE TRIGGER EFFECT - it's an extended Twilight Zone episode about people coping with a mysterious statewide (?) blackout. A great character study that should not be missed. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO AND LASERDISC
17) THE BIRDCAGE - hey....look...a funny comedy. There's a rarity these days. Oh...it's a remake of a French film you say. That explains it. So does the cast. Robin Williams is overshadowed by Nathan Lane here. Gene Hackman is hysterical and Hank Azaria almost steals the show. If you haven't already, see it. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
16) TRAINSPOTTING - this is one of those well made films that leaves you with an awful aftertaste IF you can finish it. It's about heroin users in Scotland, so there's lots of needles, gross bathrooms, and thick completely unintelligible Scottish brogues. If ever there were an English language film that needed subtitles, this is it. Don't see it alone or after dinner. You just might like it. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. CRITERION COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE ON MARCH 26
15) MANNY AND LO - this kiddie version of Thelma & Louise is well written, well acted, and heartwarming. Two orphaned sisters traveling cross country because they want to remain together kidnap a woman to help the teenager through her pregnancy. Highly recommended if you want to stay away from the usual Hollywood crap. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
14) WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE - another small film that examines life in junior high when you're the middle child of three and completely ignored by your parents who adore your older genius brother and your younger cuter sister. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
13) THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - Disney does it again. This is easily their most romantic and poetic animated film since Beauty And The Beast. And even though none of the songs got Oscar nominations, it's easily one of the best scores for a Disney animated classic. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. PROJECTED LASERDISC RELEASE NOVEMBER 1997
12) THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT - Milos Forman isn't quite up to his speed here, but he's tackling a contemporary real life subject. The story could have gone further into Flynt's background, but perhaps that wasn't the point. Woody Harrelson and Edward Norton are great. Courtney Love is playing what she knows best...a drug addict.
11) MOTHER - Albert Brooks creates another craftily funny comedy and gives a new lease on acting life to Debbie Reynolds (who should have been nominated for an Oscar). If you ever had a mother, you owe it to yourself to see this. And if you don't get it, you never had a mother.
10) THE YOUNG POISONER'S HANDBOOK - another small film based on a true story. A young boy becomes fascinated by what various poisons can do to the human body and decides to commit the ultimate undetectable crime by slowly poisoning members of his family. Here's the twist...he gets caught and rehabilitated, or does he? Darkly funny...if you like your funny that way. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO
09) BIG NIGHT - hey look....another small film, albeit with a name cast. Stanley Tucci (the evil Richard Cross during the first season of Murder One) and Tony Shalhoub (Antonio Scarpacci of TV's Wings) play two Italian brothers who own a small struggling restaurant. As much about sibling relationships as it is about food and art. Masterful performances by all involved. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC APRIL 22
08) EVITA - this movie should have revived the musical as a viable film genre without being animated, but it didn't and I can't explain why. Beautifully shot and edited with a wonderful score and surprisingly good acting by Madonna (and surprisingly good singing by Antonio Banderas), this film should have done better...a pity.
07) THE FRIGHTENERS - if ever there was the wrong time to open a horror film, an over-crowded crap-fest summer was it. This film undeservedly got lost in the shuffle. Michael J. Fox plays a charlatan of a ghostbuster who, with the help of his ghost friends, is trying to stop an otherworldly serial killer from taking the woman he loves from him again. Great supporting performances by Chi McBride, John Astin, Trini Alverado, and Jeffrey Coombs (in his creepiest role since Re-Animator). It's got a bit of everything for everyone and you won't be disappointed. Aussie director Peter Jackson directed (in case you want to check out his other films...particularly Heavenly Creatures). AVAILBLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. SIGNATURE COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE FALL 1997
06) MOTHER NIGHT - Nick Nolte comes of my worst films list to portray an American playwright living in Berlin at the start of World War II. The story is told completely in flashback by Nolte sitting in a cell in Israel awaiting his trial for war crimes. Nolte is approached by a CIA man about becoming a spy for the United States, but he winds up playing the part so well that he gets caught up in a downward spiral that has only one outcome. Darkly funny, yet brilliantly directed by Keith Gordon (you might remember him as Arnie in Christine or Rodney Dangerfield's son in Back To School). And yes Sheryl Lee (of Twin Peaks) does yet another topless scene. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC APRIL 22
05) FARGO - everyone's creaming the jeans over this one, but I'm bucking the trend. It only makes the five spot here because while it's good, it's not the Coen Brothers best (I like Barton Fink and The Hudsucker Proxy better). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
04) FLIRTING WITH DISASTER - another funny comedy...this time about parent-child relationships (wait wasn't Mother a funny comedy about the same thing). Ben Stiller and Patricia Arquette play new parents, but he won't name the child until he knows who his real parents are (aging hippies played by Alan Alda and Lily Tomlin). His foster parents (George Segal and Mary Tyler Moore) object to his quest which is helped along by screwy, sexy social worker Tea Leoni. ON VIDEO MARCH 25. ON LASERDISC APRIL 9
03) JERRY MAGUIRE - I rarely cry at movies, but this one moved me (and not in the same way that Glory and Schindler's List did). Tom Cruise, who proved he could act in Born On The Fourth Of July, extends his talents here. Jerry Maguire is a sports talent agent who decides that he and his co-workers are greedy bastards, he writes a memo and has a change of heart, but his whole world falls apart. He's fired (by a guy he trained), his fiancee and him break up, and all but one of his clients leave. His new secretary admires him for his new beliefs and they slowly fall in love. She has a kid and we're never quite sure what he's up to with this new relationship, but it's obvious that he at least loves the kid. For the rest see the movie.
02) BOUND - a crime film in the same vain as The Usual Suspects since all we know from the beginning is that somehow Gina Gershon will wind up tied up and gagged in a closet. How does she get there? Well it has something to do with a lot of money that she and Jennifer Tilly may have stolen from Tilly's mob boyfriend, but then again....maybe it doesn't. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
01) CRASH - what's this....I don't remember this being in theaters in 1996. Well folks, it wasn't. Thanks to Ted Turner's merge with the evil empire known as Warner Brothers, only the United States has yet to see this film. It's already turned a profit overseas and was nominated for 2 Genie Awards (Canada's equivalent of the Oscar). And they weren't paltry Genies...they were Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay (I unfortunately don't remember if it won). It also got the Jury Prize 1996's Cannes Film Festival. And did I mention every country where it opened people tried to ban or censor it? Why? Because the film is about sex....and death. James Spader plays James Ballard, a married man who gets off on having sex in cars...near cars....around cars. His wife's the same way. And one night they get into an accident with a man (who dies) and discover an even greater sexual turn on. And then they discover, through the dead man's wife (Holly Hunter), that there's a whole group of people who have a similar "problem". Elias Coteas is a doctor who heads a group of "artists" who re-enact famous car crashes (like the one that killed James Dean). Ted Turner didn't want anyone to see this film until after Warner Brothers had sold off New Line/Fine Line to a third party. It hasn't happened yet, but the film opens at the end of March. Yes....this film is sick, twisted, and disturbing. But it's also daring, audacious, and thought-provoking. Try getting all of that out of Space Jam the next time you go to the movies.
file-o-philes
For those of you who are fans of The X-Files you may not know that Fox Home Video has been systematically releasing the best of each season on both videotape and laserdisc. So far we've gotten half (the best, I guess) of season one and a quarter of season two (with another quarter scheduled for May). There are two episodes per video and each contains an introduction by creator Chris Carter as well as two trading cards. Here's the rundown (in the order they were released...three videos to a group...the last three listed will be out in May):
SEASON ONE
Pilot/Deep Throat (Episode 1)
Conduit/Ice (Episodes 3 & 7)
Fallen Angel/Eve (Episodes 9 & 10)
Squeeze/Tooms (Episodes 2 & 20)
Beyond The Sea/E.B.E. (Episodes 12 & 16)
Darkness Falls/The Erlenmeyer Flask (Episodes 19 & 23)
SEASON TWO
Little Green Men/The Host (Episodes 1 & 2)
Sleepless/Duane Barry (Episodes 4 & 5)
Ascension/One Breath (Episodes 6 & 8)
Irresistible/Die Hand Der Verletzt (Episodes 13 & 14)
Colony/End Game (Episodes 16 & 17)
Humbug/Anasazi (Episodes 20 & 25)
So far it seems that most of the episodes being released are the "Conspiracy Arc" episodes. These are the episodes in which Mulder and Scully search for the "truth" about alien contact with humans (not all of the episodes fall here though...the rest are just great stories). Even though you can get Japanese laserdisc box sets of the complete run of each season (all the way to the middle of season three so far), Fox Home Video cannot release the entire run of the show here in the U.S. until after the show has finished it's run in syndication. And that may be a while since starting in September FX will be the only channel showing reruns for three years exclusively (like they're currently doing with Picket Fences). After that it has to go into regular syndication before these "missing" video episodes can start showing up...Oh well. In the meantime...a prediction: September 1997 sees the release of the first half of the best of season three which will contain the following three tapes: The Blessing Way/Paper Clip, Nisei/731, and Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose/an undetermined story. May 1998 sees the release of the second half of the best of season three which will contain the following tapes: Piper Maru/Apocrypha, War Of The Coprophages/Jose Chung's "From Outer Space, and an undetermined story/Talitha Cumi.
All video tapes can be bought in box sets of three (in the groups they were released in). The laserdiscs for wave one have trading cards for those episodes. Wave Two laserdiscs have no trading cards. Wave Three laserdiscs should have trading cards for wave two and wave three episodes (but there were some major screwups which I won't get into here...if you have a problem contact Fox Home Video)
the empire strikes another goldmine
Well, if you haven't been in a cave for the last three months, you know that 20th Century Fox and George Lucas have been systematically remastering and re-releasing the Star Wars Trilogy. The middle film was the best film. The middle film is now an even better film and there were minor changes made. Like it's predecessor, Star Wars: Special Edition, The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition has had it's entire soundtrack remixed (a bit too loud from what I understand...I thought it was just the theater I saw it in, but it's apparently a problem popping up all over) and all the special effects digitally remastered. Matte lines, which were evident before, have been cleaned up and made invisible. However, unlike Star Wars: Special Edition, this film has not had any added footage. There was no footage to put back. Instead what we've gotten is a wonder to behold. First on the ice planet Hoth, we get a good close look at the Wampa as it feasts on Luke's Tauntaun. Then we get a good look at it screaming after Luke severs it's arm (and...as someone pointed out it foreshadows Luke's losing his hand and shows us that the lightsaber cauterizes the wound as it strikes...yeah..okay). More importantly, during the scenes on Bespin's Cloud City, we get some amazing special effects work. Sterile white walls have been changed to picture windows and balconies. Now, in almost every shot, you can see the outside of the Cloud City as people are walking inside. It's a bigger and airier place and it's a wonder to behold. Not so effective is a scene that was added for no real reason. Darth Vader leaves the city he now tells his troopers to inform his Star Destroyer for his arrival (in a line James Earl Jones had to record new for this version). We then get an impressive shot of Vader and company walking across a Cloud City platform to Vader's waiting shuttle. From there things get pointless. We see Vader's shuttle take off, go into space, and then dock in the shuttle bay of his Star Destroyer. However, the docking bay footage is actually an outtake from Return Of The Jedi because it is Moff Jerjerrod who greets Vader in that film and here he is waiting in Vader's Star Destroyer. It's too too obvious that it's an outtake from the third film and it interrupts the flow of events during this film's end. Oh well....it's still the best (and why couldn't they digitally change Han's shirt in his close ups in the carbon freezing chamber, it's all white in long shots, but it looks like he's also got a black vest over it in close ups).
three new tv shows to catch before they're gone
Spy Game -- comes from the creative minds behind Hercules and Xena (film director Sam Raimi is one of the producers of all three shows). This show is a mixture of just about every '60's spy show if they had been updated for the '90's. The actors are likable and don't take the stories (or their jobs) too seriously. The show's fun and entertaining and probably won't last much farther beyond it's trial run this season.
Just Shoot Me - this is the living definition of mixed emotions because I HATE David Spade! Here's an unfunny comedian (using the term loosely) whose fifteen minutes of fame ended about three years ago. This man is almost single-handedly responsible for the downfall of Saturday Night Live. However, I LOVE the rest of the cast and the concept. Maya (the beautifully sexy Laura San Giacomo) is down on her luck and reluctantly contacts the father she hasn't spoken to in a year (George Segal) who married a high school classmate of hers. They attempt to reconcile and she winds up working for him at his fashion magazine with hopes of making it more than a fluff rag. Wendie Malik (from HBO's Dream On) plays the tainted and bitter old fashion model who is the magazine's marketing and advertising exec. Enrico Collanti (I probably spelled his name wrong and couldn't find a TV guide, but he is best known as the stupid, yet lovable Louis Utz from the unjustly murdered comedy Hope & Gloria) plays the fashion photographer who seems to have the good on everyone and knows how to press everyone's buttons (especially Wendie Malik's). George Segal is in fine form as the slightly daffy, uncaring father and publisher. Oh yeah! David Spade plays his faggy annoying assistant who I hope dies a horrible death soon (please G-d)!
The Practice - David Kelly strikes gold a third time with this wonderful new show about lawyers in a small time, down-on-it's-luck law firm. Dylan McDermott stars as the head of the firm and hopefully Linda Hunt and Edward Herrmann will make more than just token appearances as a judge and a professor/lawyer/mentor of one of our heroes. Like Picket Fences and Chicago Hope this show seems poised to tackle today's hard-hitting and though-provoking issues in an entertaining, yet provocative manner. Hopefully Mr. Kelly will stay on board for a while (He left Picket Fences during it's third season and the show lost it's focus and never recovered so CBS canceled it after 4 seasons. He left Chicago Hope during it's second season and it has yet to recover...bring back Kelly or Mandy Patinkin please). If he doesn't and turns it over to people not involved in it's creation, it could lose it's edge (you know I just realized you could write a whole article about TV shows whose creators left midway only to have the shows crap out).
the titanic will be docking in less than a month
In case you've been on Mars (or haven't been watching NBC's Must See TV), the new technology known as DVD-Video (how redundant...perhaps) is about to break loose on the unsuspecting public. DVD stands for Digital Video Disc or Digital Versatile Disc (depending on who you ask) and it's designed to do some amazing things. Many hardware companies will be making players (only Pioneer is smart enough to make a combi-player that also handles the current high-end format of choice Laserdiscs). Only a handful of studios will be making software available (and even they can't agree on how to do it....sell through or rental priced....jewel case or new packaging....day and date with tape or weeks or months later). Warner is the most gung ho and will be releasing about 40 titles by the beginning of summer (some are Warner titles, some are MGM/UA titles, later they'll do some HBO titles), but the rollout starts at the end of March. Sony will be releasing Columbia and TriStar titles in batches of four every few months starting in April. Polygram will release some catalog stuff at sell-through in April or May, but new titles (The Portrait Of A Lady named specifically) will be rental priced. Oh...some stores have already started selling players (no software in the marketplace though) and Warner's titles will only be available in seven cities until summertime when it might expand to fifteen or twenty. So what can this second coming of Christ do, you ask? Well, it's a digitally compressed picture with digitally compressed sound on a five inch disc. Each disc can hold up to 135 minutes on one side and each side can be given two layers...so that's a lot of information (not that any of the initial batch will come close to doing this). Each disc can contain up to eight subtitle tracks and eight dubbed tracks (so foreign films can be watched either way...or you could buy a disc here in the states of Batman Forever and take it to France and watch it in their native language either dubbed or subtitled....Oh wait....you can't do that.....there's a country code lock in the players and discs that prevents what could have been a neat marketing tool....this is so the studios don't lose their precious worldwide theatrical distribution pipelines). You can also get perfect digital still frame access on the movies. They can cram extras like you get on laserdiscs: text, audio commentary, still photos, trailers, you name it. They can even put a pan&scan, a letterboxed widescreen, and an anamorphic widescreen version all on one disc (anamorphic is for those rectangular TV's we're all supposed to have bought by now). You can even encode the disc so that at a touch of a button a parent can put on The Exorcist for their six-year-old and they'll get all the nasty, violent, scary, sexy parts edited out (is that Scorsese and Allen rolling in their graves). You can even put alternate camera angles from Lethal Weapon on the disc and let the viewer choose angles (I think Hitchcock just died...again). Of course, it'll be a while before the studios start implementing any of this stuff. So in the meantime sit back and watch your DVD's on your computer monitor like a good sheep....the way movies were meant to be seen....digitally compressed into a bleary, smudgy, streaky mess (like Digital Satellite Dishes) on a small nine inch VGA monitor with two small speakers on your sound board. Like Toshiba's ads say...you've senses, use them. They obviously didn't use the most important one....common.
next issue blurb
Return with us, as the Jedi, do to a time from high school when we all remembered that Goonies were good enough and Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper were cartoon characters on CBS as well as in the wrestling ring. That's right folks an article on professional wrestling (I know I should be embarrassed). Also...the annual look at Oscar picks. A review of Private Parts and a whole lotta other stuff (possibly even the second half of that laserdisc article from last month).
Until then....TTFN....and be seeing you
Joel Fenster
It's the extra-special-February-Empire-Strikes-Back-With-A-Vengeance-issue, in which the evil Darth Vader reveals to his son Luke Skywalker that even though it's the hot new thing running around the Empire, his adventures won't be available on DVD anytime in the near future. So without any further baloney.....here's the show....everything somehow winding up as a full frontal assault on that evil empire we all know as Warner Brothers.
the 5 worst films of 1996
5) THE LONG KISS GOODNIGHT - it's time for Geena Davis to stop working with her latest husband. She's probably assuming that since her and her previous husband created screen magic (and it was before they were married), that she and her current one can replicate that magic. Well Renny Harlin ain't Jeff Goldblum. Hell Renny Harlin's barely Paul Verhoeven. This movie doesn't suck as bad as Cutthroat Island, but it does come very close. And what's with humans being able to outrun explosions. I'm tired of bullshit like this, no matter how cool it looks. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC MARCH 18
4) CHAIN REACTION - this tired retread of The Fugitive proves that it was the story and not Keanue Reeves that made Speed the hit it was (and what will make Speed 2: Cruise Control as big a pile of shit as this film). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
3) THE PALLBEARER - if ever there was an opportunity for a good film to happen, this was it. David Schwimmer is likable on TV's Friends, but here he's annoying....I mean annoyingly annoying. This tired retread of The Graduate could have been original and funny. Instead it's boring and painful. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
2) MULLHOLLAND FALLS - this film has one of the best casts in the history of movies. Nick Nolte, Chaz Palminteri, Chris Penn, Michael Madsen, John Malkovich, Melanie Griffith, Jennifer Connally, Andrew McCarthy, and Treat Williams are some of the best (except maybe Melanie) actors working today. What the hell attracted them to this crappy film noir about the Hat Squad getting involved with a murdered prostitute whose death is connected to the explosion of the A-bomb? What a waste! AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
1) SPACE JAM - brought to you by the evil empire known as Warner Brothers, this "film" is nothing more than a very long commercial for basketball, sneakers, stuffed dolls, and cheeseburgers. This film is a monument to everything that is wrong in Hollywood today. The creators of the Looney Tunes are either rolling in their graves or dropping dead over this shit. I could go on and on over this, but what's the point. The film has one saving grace: R. Kelley's song "I Believe I Can Fly" is one of the most beautiful and inspiring songs to come along in a long time. Never have I walked out of a film craving a Big Mac. I hope it never happens again. ON VIDEO MARCH 18, ON DVD MARCH 24, ON LASERDISC JULY 1
the 25 best films of 1996
25) THE FIRST WIVES CLUB - entertaining and funny. This film shows that there are still decent parts for Hollywood's older women. They're just few and far between and keep being given to the same people. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC MARCH 11
24) STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT - hey...whaddya know...this franchise could easily survive the death of James T. Kirk and still contain a good story. I'm still distressed that Picard and Data are stealing center stage again, but maybe the next one'll give the others a chance to shine (and leave Worf on DS9 where he belongs). PROJECTED VIDEO RELEASE JUNE 1997 BOTH VIDEO & LASERDISC
23) ALADDIN AND THE KING OF THIEVES - what...you don't remember this being in theaters...surprise! It wasn't. This is the second sequel to Disney's Aladdin and the third time is a charm. This direct to video film reunites Robin Williams' Genie with the rest of the cast and brings Aladdin into contact with his long lost father on the day of his wedding to Jasmine. Catch it if you can...it's still better than most other animated films (aside from Disney theatricals). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
22) THE ROCK - as action films go, this one has it all. A great cast, great special effects, and a great story (in spite of a long drawn out chase sequence that, while fun, belongs in a cartoon and not here). Connery is fine fashion as a convict who is essentially James Bond, but over the hill. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. CRITERION COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE IN APRIL
21) RANSOM - Ron Howard directs an on fire Mel Gibson in this suspense film where the good guy does an aberrant thing and turns the tables on the bad guy in a way that you'd never guess (unless you saw the previews which gave this twist away). ON VIDEO MAY 13, AVAILABLE ON LASERDISC WITH 15 MINUTES OF EXTRA FOOTAGE MAY 27
20) MATILDA - Danny DeVito, the newest master of macabre, has adapted Roald Dahl's novel for children into a wonderful film for the whole family. It's just dark enough for kids to enjoy without having nightmares forever. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. ON DVD JUNE 1997
19) JAMES AND THE GIANT PEACH - Roald Dahl at the movies again, but this time he's animated by the same team that brought us The Nightmare Before Christmas. And like the previous film...it too is dark without being inaccessible to children. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. PROJECTED LASERDISC RELEASE SUMMER 1997
18) THE TRIGGER EFFECT - it's an extended Twilight Zone episode about people coping with a mysterious statewide (?) blackout. A great character study that should not be missed. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO AND LASERDISC
17) THE BIRDCAGE - hey....look...a funny comedy. There's a rarity these days. Oh...it's a remake of a French film you say. That explains it. So does the cast. Robin Williams is overshadowed by Nathan Lane here. Gene Hackman is hysterical and Hank Azaria almost steals the show. If you haven't already, see it. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
16) TRAINSPOTTING - this is one of those well made films that leaves you with an awful aftertaste IF you can finish it. It's about heroin users in Scotland, so there's lots of needles, gross bathrooms, and thick completely unintelligible Scottish brogues. If ever there were an English language film that needed subtitles, this is it. Don't see it alone or after dinner. You just might like it. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. CRITERION COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE ON MARCH 26
15) MANNY AND LO - this kiddie version of Thelma & Louise is well written, well acted, and heartwarming. Two orphaned sisters traveling cross country because they want to remain together kidnap a woman to help the teenager through her pregnancy. Highly recommended if you want to stay away from the usual Hollywood crap. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
14) WELCOME TO THE DOLLHOUSE - another small film that examines life in junior high when you're the middle child of three and completely ignored by your parents who adore your older genius brother and your younger cuter sister. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
13) THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME - Disney does it again. This is easily their most romantic and poetic animated film since Beauty And The Beast. And even though none of the songs got Oscar nominations, it's easily one of the best scores for a Disney animated classic. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO. PROJECTED LASERDISC RELEASE NOVEMBER 1997
12) THE PEOPLE VS. LARRY FLYNT - Milos Forman isn't quite up to his speed here, but he's tackling a contemporary real life subject. The story could have gone further into Flynt's background, but perhaps that wasn't the point. Woody Harrelson and Edward Norton are great. Courtney Love is playing what she knows best...a drug addict.
11) MOTHER - Albert Brooks creates another craftily funny comedy and gives a new lease on acting life to Debbie Reynolds (who should have been nominated for an Oscar). If you ever had a mother, you owe it to yourself to see this. And if you don't get it, you never had a mother.
10) THE YOUNG POISONER'S HANDBOOK - another small film based on a true story. A young boy becomes fascinated by what various poisons can do to the human body and decides to commit the ultimate undetectable crime by slowly poisoning members of his family. Here's the twist...he gets caught and rehabilitated, or does he? Darkly funny...if you like your funny that way. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO
09) BIG NIGHT - hey look....another small film, albeit with a name cast. Stanley Tucci (the evil Richard Cross during the first season of Murder One) and Tony Shalhoub (Antonio Scarpacci of TV's Wings) play two Italian brothers who own a small struggling restaurant. As much about sibling relationships as it is about food and art. Masterful performances by all involved. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC APRIL 22
08) EVITA - this movie should have revived the musical as a viable film genre without being animated, but it didn't and I can't explain why. Beautifully shot and edited with a wonderful score and surprisingly good acting by Madonna (and surprisingly good singing by Antonio Banderas), this film should have done better...a pity.
07) THE FRIGHTENERS - if ever there was the wrong time to open a horror film, an over-crowded crap-fest summer was it. This film undeservedly got lost in the shuffle. Michael J. Fox plays a charlatan of a ghostbuster who, with the help of his ghost friends, is trying to stop an otherworldly serial killer from taking the woman he loves from him again. Great supporting performances by Chi McBride, John Astin, Trini Alverado, and Jeffrey Coombs (in his creepiest role since Re-Animator). It's got a bit of everything for everyone and you won't be disappointed. Aussie director Peter Jackson directed (in case you want to check out his other films...particularly Heavenly Creatures). AVAILBLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC. SIGNATURE COLLECTION LASERDISC AVAILABLE FALL 1997
06) MOTHER NIGHT - Nick Nolte comes of my worst films list to portray an American playwright living in Berlin at the start of World War II. The story is told completely in flashback by Nolte sitting in a cell in Israel awaiting his trial for war crimes. Nolte is approached by a CIA man about becoming a spy for the United States, but he winds up playing the part so well that he gets caught up in a downward spiral that has only one outcome. Darkly funny, yet brilliantly directed by Keith Gordon (you might remember him as Arnie in Christine or Rodney Dangerfield's son in Back To School). And yes Sheryl Lee (of Twin Peaks) does yet another topless scene. ON VIDEO & LASERDISC APRIL 22
05) FARGO - everyone's creaming the jeans over this one, but I'm bucking the trend. It only makes the five spot here because while it's good, it's not the Coen Brothers best (I like Barton Fink and The Hudsucker Proxy better). AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
04) FLIRTING WITH DISASTER - another funny comedy...this time about parent-child relationships (wait wasn't Mother a funny comedy about the same thing). Ben Stiller and Patricia Arquette play new parents, but he won't name the child until he knows who his real parents are (aging hippies played by Alan Alda and Lily Tomlin). His foster parents (George Segal and Mary Tyler Moore) object to his quest which is helped along by screwy, sexy social worker Tea Leoni. ON VIDEO MARCH 25. ON LASERDISC APRIL 9
03) JERRY MAGUIRE - I rarely cry at movies, but this one moved me (and not in the same way that Glory and Schindler's List did). Tom Cruise, who proved he could act in Born On The Fourth Of July, extends his talents here. Jerry Maguire is a sports talent agent who decides that he and his co-workers are greedy bastards, he writes a memo and has a change of heart, but his whole world falls apart. He's fired (by a guy he trained), his fiancee and him break up, and all but one of his clients leave. His new secretary admires him for his new beliefs and they slowly fall in love. She has a kid and we're never quite sure what he's up to with this new relationship, but it's obvious that he at least loves the kid. For the rest see the movie.
02) BOUND - a crime film in the same vain as The Usual Suspects since all we know from the beginning is that somehow Gina Gershon will wind up tied up and gagged in a closet. How does she get there? Well it has something to do with a lot of money that she and Jennifer Tilly may have stolen from Tilly's mob boyfriend, but then again....maybe it doesn't. AVAILABLE ON VIDEO & LASERDISC
01) CRASH - what's this....I don't remember this being in theaters in 1996. Well folks, it wasn't. Thanks to Ted Turner's merge with the evil empire known as Warner Brothers, only the United States has yet to see this film. It's already turned a profit overseas and was nominated for 2 Genie Awards (Canada's equivalent of the Oscar). And they weren't paltry Genies...they were Best Director and Best Adapted Screenplay (I unfortunately don't remember if it won). It also got the Jury Prize 1996's Cannes Film Festival. And did I mention every country where it opened people tried to ban or censor it? Why? Because the film is about sex....and death. James Spader plays James Ballard, a married man who gets off on having sex in cars...near cars....around cars. His wife's the same way. And one night they get into an accident with a man (who dies) and discover an even greater sexual turn on. And then they discover, through the dead man's wife (Holly Hunter), that there's a whole group of people who have a similar "problem". Elias Coteas is a doctor who heads a group of "artists" who re-enact famous car crashes (like the one that killed James Dean). Ted Turner didn't want anyone to see this film until after Warner Brothers had sold off New Line/Fine Line to a third party. It hasn't happened yet, but the film opens at the end of March. Yes....this film is sick, twisted, and disturbing. But it's also daring, audacious, and thought-provoking. Try getting all of that out of Space Jam the next time you go to the movies.
file-o-philes
For those of you who are fans of The X-Files you may not know that Fox Home Video has been systematically releasing the best of each season on both videotape and laserdisc. So far we've gotten half (the best, I guess) of season one and a quarter of season two (with another quarter scheduled for May). There are two episodes per video and each contains an introduction by creator Chris Carter as well as two trading cards. Here's the rundown (in the order they were released...three videos to a group...the last three listed will be out in May):
SEASON ONE
Pilot/Deep Throat (Episode 1)
Conduit/Ice (Episodes 3 & 7)
Fallen Angel/Eve (Episodes 9 & 10)
Squeeze/Tooms (Episodes 2 & 20)
Beyond The Sea/E.B.E. (Episodes 12 & 16)
Darkness Falls/The Erlenmeyer Flask (Episodes 19 & 23)
SEASON TWO
Little Green Men/The Host (Episodes 1 & 2)
Sleepless/Duane Barry (Episodes 4 & 5)
Ascension/One Breath (Episodes 6 & 8)
Irresistible/Die Hand Der Verletzt (Episodes 13 & 14)
Colony/End Game (Episodes 16 & 17)
Humbug/Anasazi (Episodes 20 & 25)
So far it seems that most of the episodes being released are the "Conspiracy Arc" episodes. These are the episodes in which Mulder and Scully search for the "truth" about alien contact with humans (not all of the episodes fall here though...the rest are just great stories). Even though you can get Japanese laserdisc box sets of the complete run of each season (all the way to the middle of season three so far), Fox Home Video cannot release the entire run of the show here in the U.S. until after the show has finished it's run in syndication. And that may be a while since starting in September FX will be the only channel showing reruns for three years exclusively (like they're currently doing with Picket Fences). After that it has to go into regular syndication before these "missing" video episodes can start showing up...Oh well. In the meantime...a prediction: September 1997 sees the release of the first half of the best of season three which will contain the following three tapes: The Blessing Way/Paper Clip, Nisei/731, and Clyde Bruckman's Final Repose/an undetermined story. May 1998 sees the release of the second half of the best of season three which will contain the following tapes: Piper Maru/Apocrypha, War Of The Coprophages/Jose Chung's "From Outer Space, and an undetermined story/Talitha Cumi.
All video tapes can be bought in box sets of three (in the groups they were released in). The laserdiscs for wave one have trading cards for those episodes. Wave Two laserdiscs have no trading cards. Wave Three laserdiscs should have trading cards for wave two and wave three episodes (but there were some major screwups which I won't get into here...if you have a problem contact Fox Home Video)
the empire strikes another goldmine
Well, if you haven't been in a cave for the last three months, you know that 20th Century Fox and George Lucas have been systematically remastering and re-releasing the Star Wars Trilogy. The middle film was the best film. The middle film is now an even better film and there were minor changes made. Like it's predecessor, Star Wars: Special Edition, The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition has had it's entire soundtrack remixed (a bit too loud from what I understand...I thought it was just the theater I saw it in, but it's apparently a problem popping up all over) and all the special effects digitally remastered. Matte lines, which were evident before, have been cleaned up and made invisible. However, unlike Star Wars: Special Edition, this film has not had any added footage. There was no footage to put back. Instead what we've gotten is a wonder to behold. First on the ice planet Hoth, we get a good close look at the Wampa as it feasts on Luke's Tauntaun. Then we get a good look at it screaming after Luke severs it's arm (and...as someone pointed out it foreshadows Luke's losing his hand and shows us that the lightsaber cauterizes the wound as it strikes...yeah..okay). More importantly, during the scenes on Bespin's Cloud City, we get some amazing special effects work. Sterile white walls have been changed to picture windows and balconies. Now, in almost every shot, you can see the outside of the Cloud City as people are walking inside. It's a bigger and airier place and it's a wonder to behold. Not so effective is a scene that was added for no real reason. Darth Vader leaves the city he now tells his troopers to inform his Star Destroyer for his arrival (in a line James Earl Jones had to record new for this version). We then get an impressive shot of Vader and company walking across a Cloud City platform to Vader's waiting shuttle. From there things get pointless. We see Vader's shuttle take off, go into space, and then dock in the shuttle bay of his Star Destroyer. However, the docking bay footage is actually an outtake from Return Of The Jedi because it is Moff Jerjerrod who greets Vader in that film and here he is waiting in Vader's Star Destroyer. It's too too obvious that it's an outtake from the third film and it interrupts the flow of events during this film's end. Oh well....it's still the best (and why couldn't they digitally change Han's shirt in his close ups in the carbon freezing chamber, it's all white in long shots, but it looks like he's also got a black vest over it in close ups).
three new tv shows to catch before they're gone
Spy Game -- comes from the creative minds behind Hercules and Xena (film director Sam Raimi is one of the producers of all three shows). This show is a mixture of just about every '60's spy show if they had been updated for the '90's. The actors are likable and don't take the stories (or their jobs) too seriously. The show's fun and entertaining and probably won't last much farther beyond it's trial run this season.
Just Shoot Me - this is the living definition of mixed emotions because I HATE David Spade! Here's an unfunny comedian (using the term loosely) whose fifteen minutes of fame ended about three years ago. This man is almost single-handedly responsible for the downfall of Saturday Night Live. However, I LOVE the rest of the cast and the concept. Maya (the beautifully sexy Laura San Giacomo) is down on her luck and reluctantly contacts the father she hasn't spoken to in a year (George Segal) who married a high school classmate of hers. They attempt to reconcile and she winds up working for him at his fashion magazine with hopes of making it more than a fluff rag. Wendie Malik (from HBO's Dream On) plays the tainted and bitter old fashion model who is the magazine's marketing and advertising exec. Enrico Collanti (I probably spelled his name wrong and couldn't find a TV guide, but he is best known as the stupid, yet lovable Louis Utz from the unjustly murdered comedy Hope & Gloria) plays the fashion photographer who seems to have the good on everyone and knows how to press everyone's buttons (especially Wendie Malik's). George Segal is in fine form as the slightly daffy, uncaring father and publisher. Oh yeah! David Spade plays his faggy annoying assistant who I hope dies a horrible death soon (please G-d)!
The Practice - David Kelly strikes gold a third time with this wonderful new show about lawyers in a small time, down-on-it's-luck law firm. Dylan McDermott stars as the head of the firm and hopefully Linda Hunt and Edward Herrmann will make more than just token appearances as a judge and a professor/lawyer/mentor of one of our heroes. Like Picket Fences and Chicago Hope this show seems poised to tackle today's hard-hitting and though-provoking issues in an entertaining, yet provocative manner. Hopefully Mr. Kelly will stay on board for a while (He left Picket Fences during it's third season and the show lost it's focus and never recovered so CBS canceled it after 4 seasons. He left Chicago Hope during it's second season and it has yet to recover...bring back Kelly or Mandy Patinkin please). If he doesn't and turns it over to people not involved in it's creation, it could lose it's edge (you know I just realized you could write a whole article about TV shows whose creators left midway only to have the shows crap out).
the titanic will be docking in less than a month
In case you've been on Mars (or haven't been watching NBC's Must See TV), the new technology known as DVD-Video (how redundant...perhaps) is about to break loose on the unsuspecting public. DVD stands for Digital Video Disc or Digital Versatile Disc (depending on who you ask) and it's designed to do some amazing things. Many hardware companies will be making players (only Pioneer is smart enough to make a combi-player that also handles the current high-end format of choice Laserdiscs). Only a handful of studios will be making software available (and even they can't agree on how to do it....sell through or rental priced....jewel case or new packaging....day and date with tape or weeks or months later). Warner is the most gung ho and will be releasing about 40 titles by the beginning of summer (some are Warner titles, some are MGM/UA titles, later they'll do some HBO titles), but the rollout starts at the end of March. Sony will be releasing Columbia and TriStar titles in batches of four every few months starting in April. Polygram will release some catalog stuff at sell-through in April or May, but new titles (The Portrait Of A Lady named specifically) will be rental priced. Oh...some stores have already started selling players (no software in the marketplace though) and Warner's titles will only be available in seven cities until summertime when it might expand to fifteen or twenty. So what can this second coming of Christ do, you ask? Well, it's a digitally compressed picture with digitally compressed sound on a five inch disc. Each disc can hold up to 135 minutes on one side and each side can be given two layers...so that's a lot of information (not that any of the initial batch will come close to doing this). Each disc can contain up to eight subtitle tracks and eight dubbed tracks (so foreign films can be watched either way...or you could buy a disc here in the states of Batman Forever and take it to France and watch it in their native language either dubbed or subtitled....Oh wait....you can't do that.....there's a country code lock in the players and discs that prevents what could have been a neat marketing tool....this is so the studios don't lose their precious worldwide theatrical distribution pipelines). You can also get perfect digital still frame access on the movies. They can cram extras like you get on laserdiscs: text, audio commentary, still photos, trailers, you name it. They can even put a pan&scan, a letterboxed widescreen, and an anamorphic widescreen version all on one disc (anamorphic is for those rectangular TV's we're all supposed to have bought by now). You can even encode the disc so that at a touch of a button a parent can put on The Exorcist for their six-year-old and they'll get all the nasty, violent, scary, sexy parts edited out (is that Scorsese and Allen rolling in their graves). You can even put alternate camera angles from Lethal Weapon on the disc and let the viewer choose angles (I think Hitchcock just died...again). Of course, it'll be a while before the studios start implementing any of this stuff. So in the meantime sit back and watch your DVD's on your computer monitor like a good sheep....the way movies were meant to be seen....digitally compressed into a bleary, smudgy, streaky mess (like Digital Satellite Dishes) on a small nine inch VGA monitor with two small speakers on your sound board. Like Toshiba's ads say...you've senses, use them. They obviously didn't use the most important one....common.
next issue blurb
Return with us, as the Jedi, do to a time from high school when we all remembered that Goonies were good enough and Hulk Hogan and Rowdy Roddy Piper were cartoon characters on CBS as well as in the wrestling ring. That's right folks an article on professional wrestling (I know I should be embarrassed). Also...the annual look at Oscar picks. A review of Private Parts and a whole lotta other stuff (possibly even the second half of that laserdisc article from last month).
Until then....TTFN....and be seeing you
Joel Fenster
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