May 23, 2000

Hey folks,

Because this is so long I’ve broken it up into a few parts. So you’ll be getting a few Fugues today.

Each RETURNING SHOW & FINAL WORDS entries have two numbers after it, the first is the number of seasons completed, the second is the total number of episodes to date....it's only for the fiction shows and realize that a season may have comprised as little as 4 episodes and as many as 34.

ABC is obviously playing things VERY safe with only 4 new shows being added and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire all over the place. If it fails, the mouse network is dead in the water.

RETURNING SHOWS

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Tuesdays & Wednesdays at 8pm/Thursdays & Sundays at 9pm.......look for more days if something tanks early) -- What can be said about this odd phenomenon? It's a fun show, but 4 nights a week, every week? I guess if Jeopardy and Wheel Of Fortune can remain popular out of prime time, this can stay popular in. At least all the other clones fell apart. I only watch this when nothing else is on.

Monday Night Football (Mondays - duh - at 9pm from September until December) -- What's to say? It's Football.

Dharma And Greg -- 3/71 (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- I'm slowly realizing that the sitcom is in danger of over staying it's welcome. This nutty little show is still quirky, but it just doesn't quite hold my attention as much anymore (especially since it's on opposite Angel). It can also now be accused of "jumping the shark" a term I love and have been hiding for a bit (in fact a bit longer than some might think), but that's another Fugue in a few days.

NYPD Blue -- 7/154 (Tuesdays at 10pm starting in January) -- When this show first started, I'd watch it religiously. Now I watch it every now and then and tend to pick up on the shows I miss when they air on FX. I've realized that syndication tends to drain the steam out of most shows (and mostly sitcoms), so perhaps jumping into syndication so soon after 100 episodes isn't such a great idea?

Once And Again -- 1/22 (Tuesdays at 10pm in September, then Mondays at 10pm in January) -- It's a good show that I couldn't get into and don't watch, but it deserves to remain.

Spin City -- 4/100 (Wednesdays at 9:30pm) -- Where do I begin?? When you have a great ensemble that's held together by a strong personality it becomes problematic to replace that personality. Replacing Michael J. Fox with Charlie Sheen is going to go down in the history of TV as one of the biggest blunders. No offense to Sheen (he's got his talents), but he's so wrong for holding things together here (Matthew Broderick would have been the perfect choice). And with Fox, we lose three other cast members (think Nikki, Janele, and James) and the on location shooting in New York (which was a comfort that the show was "outside" the system). I don't expect to be watching this beyond episode 3 next year.

Drew Carey Show -- 5/127 (Wednesdays at 9pm) -- Another sitcom whose interest is starting to dry up for me. It's the incessant reruns during the dinner hours. Why watch it in prime time, when I can watch it during dinner a year later?

Whose Line Is It Anyway -- (Thursdays at 8pm for an hour) always funny.....when there's nothing else on or shows are in reruns.

Primetime Live aka 20/20 Thursday -- (Thursdays at 10pm) Whatever

Two Guys And A Girl -- 3/59 (Fridays at 8pm) -- Everyone reading this newsletter already knows that this show, to me, represents everything that is wrong with the Television Industry today. The fact that it is still on the air only strengthens my point. You think it's bad now, wait until it hits syndication (at least we'll get to see David Ogden Stiers and the Pizza Place again).

Norm -- 2/30 (Fridays at 9pm) -- Norm MacDonald's a funny guy and this show suits him well with a great supporting cast. But Fridays??? Why not just cancel it and be done? If I'm home (and Now And Again doesn't wind up back in it's old slot by mid-season) I'll watch.

20/20 -- (Fridays at 10pm) -- Okay.

The Wonderful World Of Disney -- (Sundays at 7pm for two hours) Disney must die!

Practice -- 4/81 (Sundays at 10pm) -- While this show is still great, there are some spots to address. Lara Flynn Boyle needs to be removed. She's gotten shrill and annoying and her character distracts from the rest of the cast for no good reason (or make her a guest like Linda Hunt or Holland Taylor). All plot threads involving Joey Herrick (John Larroquette) need to be resolved. That was the more interesting aspect of the whole George Vogelman case and we have yet to see a resolution to it. Or did someone forget? At least the damn wedding is over and Bobby and Lindsay can get back to real work. Still remains on my schedule.

NEW SHOWS -- Show descriptions taken from the press releases

Geena (Tuesdays at 9:30pm) -- Academy Award-winning actress Geena Davis (" The Accidental Tourist," " Stuart Little," " Thelma and Louise") stars in a new comedy that follows the life of a single career woman who was living the glamorous, fast-paced life of a successful New Yorker, until she meets the man of her dreams -- a widower with two children -- and is thrust into the world of instant family and instant mom. To Teddie Cochran (Davis), breakfast was a cup of specialty coffee, take-out Chinese was her idea of dinner at home and her group of friends was her family. That was until she met Max (Peter Horton, " thirtysomething"). Now Teddie's family includes an emotional six-year-old girl, an unpredictable 16-year-old boy and a hostile housekeeper. Her car is a big boat of an SUV and peanut butter sandwiches have replaced martinis. As Teddie learns that being an instant mom is not going to be as easy as she thought, and that keeping a relationship sexy with two kids around is really not as easy as she hoped, she is determined to maintain her identity in the city. Her successful career as a party planner and close relationship with her girlfriends are still important to her. As Teddie's modern juggling act begins, she'll need her distinct brand of sarcastic humor and a lot more patience than she ever thought she'd have in order to help her balance it all. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC. Terri Minsky (" Sex and the City") and Nina Wass are executive producers. Also starring Mimi Rogers (" Austin Powers," " Lost in Space"), Cindy Lu and Wendy Makkena (" Sister Act").

JOEL'S TAKE: Well, with any other cast I'd say YUCK!, but I've always had a thing for Geena Davis and her comedic talent may make it a keeper. Although I gotta admit it sounds like every other goddamn piece of crap sitcom out there. She'll get the requisite 3 episode review period from me, but she's up against Angel on my schedule....so if she's any good, she'll get taped for a while until I get bored with that.

Gideon's Crossing (Wednesdays at 10pm) -- Acclaimed actor Andre Braugher (" Homicide: Life on the Street," " City of Angels") stars in this provocative new series from Academy Award-nominated writer Paul Attanasio (" Quiz Show," " Homicide: Life on the Street"). Ben Gideon (Braugher) is the voice of reason, empathy and wisdom in a world of medical chaos, bureaucracy and hypocrisy. He is a doctor we should all be so lucky to have. Highly skilled, on the cutting edge of technology and experimental medicine but possessing the gentlest and most inspirational of bedside manners, he is Disease's mortal enemy. Ben Gideon, it seems, could will his patients to wellness. He is compassionate, of course, but equally relentless and demanding -- of himself, of his students and of his patients. He will not give up in his quest for cures. His students love him, want to be him, but they also fear him just a little. He challenges his patients to examine their lives and to make changes if those lives don't have meaning. Ben Gideon treats the whole person, not just the illness. From Heel & Toe Films and Touchstone Television Productions, LLC. Paul Attanasio is executive producer. Katie Jacobs and Scott Brazil are co-executive producers. Also starring Ruben Blades, Rhona Mitra, Hamish Linklatter, Ravi Kapoor, Sophie Keller, Russell Hornsby, Jascha Washington, Meagan Gregory, Brian Wiltshire, Barry Miller, Eric Dane and Marianne Muellerleile

JOEL'S TAKE: Well, is Andre Braugher enough to keep this show afloat? I'll watch to see what it's REALLY about (as the above is very vague.....but it could be The Paper Chase in med school). It'll get the 3 episode critique from me, but it's gonna have to be incredible to lure me away from Law & Order.

People Who Fear People (Fridays at 8:30pm) -- An outrageous new comedy crazy enough to ask the question, " Are you being paranoid if everyone really is out to get you?" Bob (David Krumholtz, " The Santa Clause," " The Ice Storm") is a regular guy just trying to live an ordinary life. But for Bob and his friend, Max (Brad Raider), this is a particular challenge because of the unique perspective they have on the world -- that it's out to get them. Their friend, Claire (Paget Brewster), a pretty and down-to-earth therapist, is trying to convince them that they have nothing to fear, but this isn't easy in a world where there really ARE cameras in the traffic lights and bank machines, where your credit card company DOES know the last time you bought underwear, and your HMO knows all about that embarrassing itch. Bob's problems are exacerbated when he becomes convinced that his new next-door neighbor, Zack (Jon Cryer, " Pretty in Pink," " Superman III"), is spying on him. The catch is, Zack really is spying on Bob. From Paramount Television. Victor Fresco is executive producer. Also starring Larry Campbell.

JOEL'S TAKE: Of all the sitcoms this season, it sounds like it's got the most potential to actually be funny. And it's got a good "B List" cast with Jon Cryer and David Krumholtz). If I'm home on Fridays I'll watch.

Madigan Men (Fridays at 9:30pm) -- International film star Gabriel Byrne (" End of Days," " The Usual Suspects") comes to television in a new comedy from Golden Globe Award-winning writer Cindy Chupack (" Sex and the City"), which examines the lives of three generations of men making their way through the dating world. Byrne stars as Benjamin Madigan, a handsome, successful and charismatic architect in New York City. He is single, adorable and available and should be making out like a bandit with the ladies. But Benjamin is recently divorced, and after 20 years of being a dutiful husband and provider, he just hasn't got a clue about dating. He is a member of a rare breed of men -- the sexy man completely oblivious to his own sexiness. While his co-workers shove him into the dating world, he is full of the most rudimentary questions, like how soon to call a woman after she gives you her number. For the answers to these and many other questions, Ben can turn to his 16-year-old son, Luke (John Hensley), for whom juggling a series of girlfriends couldn't come more naturally. In addition, Ben's recently widowed father, Seamus (Roy Dotrice, TV's " Beauty and the Beast"), has just moved in. Seamus is ornery and speaks his mind, and with Luke's help, they might just be able to teach Benjamin a thing or two about dating and women in the 21st century. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC in association with ATG. Cindy Chupack is executive producer. Also starring Grant Shaud (" Murphy Brown").

JOEL'S TAKE: I also like Gabriel Byrne a lot, but again.....sitcom-wise this sounds like it's "been there, done that"......anyone remember Chicago Sons? Again, if I'm home on Fridays I'll watch.

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Joan Cusack Show -- Academy Award-nominated actress Joan Cusack (" In & Out," " Working Girl") and Academy Award and Emmy Award-winning executive producer James L. Brooks (" As Good as It Gets," " Jerry Maguire," " The Simpsons," " Terms of Endearment") join forces for a new romantic comedy about a single woman who has been looking for love, found it -- but doesn't know what to do with it. Ms. Cusack brings her offbeat sense of humor to the role of Gwen, a commitment-phobe who thinks, on the one hand, that nobody will ever love her and, on the other hand, that no one is good enough for her. So when her boyfriend, Jake (TBA), whom she adores, proposes, it is the single most anticipated moment of her life -- and her worst fear come true. From Gracie Films in association with Columbia TriStar Television. James L. Brooks and David Richardson are executive producers.

Leary -- Cutting-edge actor-comedian Denis Leary (" The Thomas Crown Affair," " The Ref") has joined forces with Emmy Award-winning writer Peter Tolan (" The Larry Sanders Show") to create a new comedy series about Mike McNeil (Leary), a jaded New York City cop whose toughest assignment is himself. He's a crass, cynical chain smoker struggling to balance a challenging personal life with a job that leaves him wondering on a daily basis if he is the last sane person in New York. His unconventional approach to his job makes him a great cop even on the most trying days. Luckily, he is fortunate enough to have a group of co-workers who tolerate his stubborn will and reluctantly enjoy his acerbic wit and disdain for authority. The only thing he can't figure out is why, if he's the only sane guy around, everyone's always looking at him like he's crazy. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC in association with DreamWorks Television. Peter Tolan, Denis Leary and Jim Serpico are executive producers. Also starring Richard Gant (" Godzilla"), Lenny Clarke, Adam Ferrara, Bill Nunn (" Kiss the Girls"), Diane Farr (" Loveline") and Jessica Hecht.

My Wife And Kids -- All Michael Kyle (Damon Wayans, " In Living Color") wants to know is ... what happened to his life? It wasn't all that long ago that he had life all figured out. He had married his high school sweetheart, had three beautiful kids, and while she stayed at home with the children, he went out and made a living. But somewhere along the line, things spun out of control. His stay-at-home bride became a stock market trailblazer. His only son idolizes gangster rap stars instead of him. His moody, adolescent daughter's two favorite hobbies are asking him for money and giving him grief; and his youngest daughter is growing up speaking Spanish as her first language, which is being taught to her by the family maid who loves the kids, but can't stand Michael. Michael is on a tragically funny quest for a " traditional" family. He's a not-so-modern man living in a very modern world. Perhaps after all of the chaos is over, he will realize that his dream of having a normal American family came true a long time ago. From Touchstone Television Productions, LLC. Damon Wayans, Don Reo, David Himelfarb and Eric Gold are executive producers. Also starring Tisha Campbell-Martin (" Martin"), George Gore, Jazz Raycole (" Waiting to Exhale") and Parker McKenna Posey."

JOEL’S TAKE: ABC is banking on sitcoms to fill voids. There are no backup dramas. My guess is that those can be filled with Millionaire if something fails (or NYPD Blue can come back early). These backup shows have one thing going for them....talent. Dennis Leary, Joan Cusack and Damon Wayans deserve a shot at sitcom stardom, but, as with all of this season's comedies, they seem familiar.

FINAL WORDS

Boy Meets World -- after 7 seasons and 157 episodes this guilty pleasure of mine will be missed, but it's time had come (probably after 5 seasons). With this and CBS' dunder-headed cancelling of Now And Again, I can have my Friday nights back......not that I did anything with them anyway.

It's Like You Know... -- this show was mishandled by ABC from the get-go and I'm surprised it lasted as long as it did. 2 seasons and 19 episodes aired to date (there may be some unaired episodes I'm unaware of.

Odd Man Out -- let's face it, the only thing this show had going for it was breasts.....and lots of them.....and in an attempt to capture a teen audience??? what gives? It lasted one season of 12 episodes (there may be some unaired ones I'm unaware of).

Oh Grow Up -- I kinda liked this show. It was funny, but not very different. Of course, I'd rather have this than Two Guys And A Girl any day. One season of 11 episodes is all we got (there may be some unaired ones I'm unaware of).

Snoops -- So not everything David E. Kelly touches turns to gold. It was a noble try for him to break out of his mold and do something fun. I enjoyed it while it lasted. One season of 10 episodes (again, there may be some unaired ones I'm unaware of).

Wasteland -- Kevin Williamson, of "Scream" and Dawson's Creek fame, couldn't cut it here. I blinked and missed it. One seasons, three episodes aired out of five made.

Wonderland -- Peter Berg left Chicago Hope to create this crap??? One season consisting of 2 episodes aired of 4 made.

20/20 Downtown -- good riddence. The fewer news magazines the better (maybe the news'll improve)

Making The Band -- that's what we need, Disney fronting more mediocre crap.

Sports Night -- Hopefully HBO will save this show (and maybe I'll start watching again on a more regular basis). I liked it, but couldn't get into it.....maybe it's my impatience, but I'll be sad it's gone. Good TV gets rarer and rarer. Two seasons for 44 episodes total. Come on HBO!

20/20 Wednesday -- who cares.

Hughleys -- it was cute, but now it's gone....to UPN.....2 seasons for 45 episodes

Then Came You -- how many shows get this epitaph.....it was cute, but it didn't have a chance......Again, I'd rather this remained than 2 Guys And A Girl. One season of 6 episodes aired of 9.

Talk To Me -- Another show that had potential, but died before you could even see it. 3 out of 5 episodes aired.

Sabrina The Teenaged Witch -- moving to the WB. Escaping one evil empire for another, perhaps?

Clerks The Cartoon – 1 season of 6 episodes hasn’t even aired yet, but ABC killed it before it had a chance. Had this aired in March when it was supposed to, I bet it would have gotten ratings to warrant returning as a mid season replacement. Check out the website (www.clerksthecartoon.com) for neat info and a couple of interesting downloads (like the cut scene from Episode 2 that contains the Flintstone’s List movie – a cross between The Flintstones and Schindler’s List – very funny)

JUST KIDDING – Here is a list of pilots the networks passed on. Titles only, you figure out whether they were sitcoms or dramas.

Clone High, USA
Elizabeth Street

Homecoming Queen

Never In My Wildest….

No Dinner, No Dessert

Untitled Ganz/Mandel Project

Untitled Baumbach Project

Wayne Brady Show

Wilder Days

The WB is also not rocking the boat much, but honestly they've got a good crop of hour longs to keep so why make drastic changes.

RETURNING SHOWS

7th Heaven -- 4/86 (Mondays at 8pm) -- I don't watch or care for this show, but it's nice to see that a "family" oriented show can have a good quality of writing and keep an audience.

Roswell -- 1/22 (Mondays at 9pm) -- One of two shows that I got very attatched to. It's nice to see that this one made it. The writing is smart, the acting is incredible, but the sci-fi plot tends to walk a thin line, but so far has managed to stay on the "right" side It's not for everyone. And with the show's new direction next season, it's only gonna have to be more careful. But this past year was almost perfect in the way the season played out (intros and setups with individual episodes moving slowly into a series of interlocking episodes so that by mid to late season, you had to watch every episode. This remains my show to watch here.

Buffy The Vampire Slayer -- 4/78 (Tuesdays at 8pm) -- Still a great, fun, witty, hip show (where else could two friends reconcile after a fight while rapelling down an elevator shaft to fight a horde of demons?). Joss Whedon does need to watch his arcing stories each season. While season 3's bit with the mayor worked, this season's bit with the Initiative seemed rushed and contrived at times. Let's see where he takes everyone for sophmore year of college. It remains on my schedule.

Angel -- 1/22 (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Buffy's spin-off took a whole season to really get good, but succeeded nicely. There's a nice group of supporting characters to help the main cast (we've got the skeptical female cop, the evil lawyer, the gang of vampire hunters and Cordelia's ghostly roommate). And Buffy and friends still lurk in the background. It's too bad Doyle had to die to get there. He's still missed, but we'll move on. It remains on my schedule.

Dawson's Creek -- 3/57 (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- Another show I don't watch, but the few episodes I have seen do show me that it's smartly written and has a talented cast.

Felicity -- 2/45 (Wednesdays at 9pm until mid-season when Jack & Jill takes over) -- Haven't see enough to comment. And perhaps the WBs treatment of the show (second season it lost it's plum timeslot only to return there by season's end.....and now it's only been picked up for 13 episodes) tells us where things might really be headed.

Jack And Jill -- 1/19 (Wednesdays at 9pm once Felicity has finished its run) -- Didn't see enough of this to comment. It's only been picked up for 13 episodes and will be sharing the timeslot with Felicity.

Charmed -- 2/44 (Thursdays at 9pm) -- I still like this show and it makes a nice companion to the rest of the WB sci-fi/horror lineup. Might wind up back on my schedule depending on what I do with NBC.

Sabrina The Teenaged Witch -- 4/100 (Fridays at 8pm) -- It was funny on ABC for 4 years. How will it work on the WB?? Hopefully they won't change it too much.

Popular -- 1/22 (Fridays at 9pm) -- Haven't seen enough to comment.

PJs -- 1/14 (Sundays at 7pm) -- Fox treated this funny show pretty badly. Hopefully it gets better treatment here.

Jamie Foxx Show -- 4/86 (Sundays at 7:30pm) -- While many people find Jamie Foxx funny, I don't. He's only back for 12 episodes this year though (perhaps to make room for his variety show as a mid-season replacement).

Steve Harvey Show -- 4/85 (Sundays at 8pm) -- It's survived into syndication, but I can't really say anything other than the one or two episodes I've seen were cute.

For Your Love --3/50 (Sundays at8:30pm) -- This show started on NBC before moving here (after a first season of 8 episodes). One man's trash is another man's gold.

NEW SHOWS

Gilmore Girls (Thursdays at 8pm) -- Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham), 32, has made her share of mistakes in life, but she's doing her best to see that her 16 year-old daughter Rory (Alexis Bledel) doesn't follow in her every footstep. Though they share a uniquely close mother-daughter relationship, sometimes they find their ideals can be far apart, making Gilmore Girls a humorous, heartfelt hour-long drama.

JOEL'S TAKE: Sounds like it'd make a better companion with 7th Heaven than Charmed.

Grosse Pointe (Fridays at 8:30pm) -- What do you get when one of TV's most successful producers takes a satirical look back at the very genre that made him famous? The answer: Grosse Pointe. Darren Star, the creator/producer of Sex in the City, Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210, has culled his years of experience in an hilarious look behind the scenes of one of TV's hottest hits: in this case, the fictitious primetime soap Grosse Pointe.

JOEL'S TAKE: This could be very funny. If I'm home Fridays, it's gonna be tough between this and People Who Fear People on ABC.

Hype -- In the spirit of Mad TV, SNL and In Living Color comes a new sketch comedy show that sets its sights on our popular culture and the never-ending media frenzy that feeds it. Combining the talents of a young, attractive and ethnically-diverse cast with some of television's funniest writers, Hype serves up fast-paced and fearless satire with a decidedly youthful slant.

JOEL'S TAKE: Everyone repeat after me "Variety, sketch comedy and anthologies don't work in Prime Time anymore!"

Nikki -- Executive producer Bruce Helford has created a new comedy imbued with the same honest, working-class sensibility that made his The Drew Carey Show an instant success, but with a sex appeal that only comes from The WB star Nikki Cox. Free-spirited Nikki (Nikki Cox, The Norm Show, Unhappily Ever After) has trained all her life to be a dancer and is anxious to start her career as a Las Vegas showgirl. Off-the-wall, unpredictable and yet down-to-earth, Nikki is a new kind of half-hour situation comedy.

JOEL'S TAKE: Is it just me, or is everyone else befuddled by the fact that Nikki Cox is married to Bobcat Goldthwait?

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Dead Last -- From the edgy writers of Grosse Pointe Blank and High Fidelity comes a different comedy about the invisible world all around us-the one populated by the ephemeral denizens we call ghosts. With an attitude and tone all its own, Dead Last chronicles the misadventures of Vaughn, Jane, and Scott, a struggling rock band on the verge of being discovered when they make a discovery of their own-a cursed amulet that gives them the dubious talent of seeing the spirits that walk among us.

JOEL’S TAKE: It’s “Airheads” meets “The Sixth Sense”. It’s got wacky potential in my book. I’ll check it out.

Jamie Foxx Variety Show -- Actor, musician, singer, comedian. Jamie Foxx is a man of many talents. Since his star-making turn on In Living Color, Jamie has gone on to entertain audiences season after season on The Jamie Foxx Show and on the big screen in his critically acclaimed performance in Any Given Sunday. Now, Jamie and The WB have teamed up again to create a variety show that will be even more accessible to viewers-and give Jamie a chance to cut loose. Prepare yourself for The Jamie Foxx Variety Show.

JOEL’S TAKE: See my comments about The Jamie Foxx Show and Hype

Oblongs -- Young cartoonist Angus Oblong has been described as the Charles Addams of the new century. His current series of dark and twisted tales in the guise of children's books, "Creepy Susie and 13 Other Tragic Tales," are just the foundation of his warped new empire. Together with Jace Richdale (The Simpsons) and Bruce Helford (The Drew Carey Show, Roseanne), Angus now brings his bizarre view of the world to television in the new animated series, The Oblongs.

JOEL’S TAKE: Animation’s getting stale, but it’s got potential based on the description.

FINAL WORDS

7th Heaven Beginnings – this rerun show of “classic” episodes was just filler and nothing more.

Movie Stars -- 2/13

Zoe... -- 2/21 – I caught this for an episode or two its first season when it was Zoe, Duncan, Clark & Jane (I think that was the title). Obviously cutting the cast by ¾ didn’t work.

Brutally Normal -- 1/5 of 7

D.C. -- 1/4

Mission Hill -- 1/2 of 4

Safe Harbor -- 1/10

There's really not much to say about any of the WBs cancelled shows. Their records speak volumes.

JUST KIDDING

Day One

Finally Home

Going To California

Haley Wagner: Star

Learning Curve

Nick

Sullivan Street

Wall To Wall Records

NBC finally seems to be pruning out the dead weight, but there's still a few slots that need help.

RETURNING SHOWS

Daddio --1/5 (Mondays at 8pm) -- Why??? Sure, I like Michael Chiklis, but what I saw of this made it as bland as Jesse, Veronica's Closet, Suddenly Susan, and any other blah sitcom NBC's aired in the last decade. Of course, it's still better than Two Guys And A Girl. Part of me thinks NBC chose this by “the hat method”. They put this along with…or let’s say Stark Raving Mad and Jesse in a hat and whichever got picked stayed.

Third Rock From The Sun -- 5/118 (Mondays at 8:30pm) -- Watch this show die a horrible death in yet another timeslot. I predict that the peacock will finally lose patience with the aliens and not save them from being destroyed on Monday nights by CBS and Fox. And it’s not even in a lead off slot anymore! Sheesh!

Third Watch -- 1/20 (Mondays at 10pm) -- Don't watch it, don't care.

Frasier -- 7/168 (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Regardless of what others think, I still find this to be the most consistently funny show on TV. It's lost it's plum spot and been bumped back to it's starting point. Maybe ratings will improve without a Millionaire to fend off. And now I’ve gotta get the VCR grinding again cause I’m not relinquishing Angel to this.

Dateline – (Tuesdays at 10pm/Fridays at 9pm/Sundays at 7pm) -- Blech!

West Wing -- 1/22 (Wednesdays at 9pm) -- I haven't been able to get into this show, but it's good from what I've seen. If I'm gonna find a new replacement for Wednesday nights between 9 and 10, this is gonna have to be it. I'll try again this summer.

Law And Order -- 10/230 (Wednesdays at 10pm) -- Amazing. Still going strong. What else is there to say?

Friends -- 6/145 (Thursdays at 8pm) – My real-life friends aren’t worth this much money! Just kidding….like the Mastercard commercials you guys are priceless (cough cough). I don't know if I still care about this show as much as I used to. Perhaps the salary negotiations soured me a bit. I've been thinking these friends might get dropped from my life by choice (funny how that sounds and reflects some real life incidents of the past year).

Will And Grace -- 2/46 (Thursdays at 9pm) -- I've seen this show a few times and it is funny. But here it all depends on whether or not I keep watching Thursday nights at all. If I do, it gets a spot.

Just Shoot Me -- 4/80 (Thursdays at 9:30pm) -- Of course, I'll be turning off the TV after Will & Grace even if I do watch NBC on Thursday nights. This show was best when David Spade was a background character. He spent too much time in the foreground for me and I dropped the show. It's a bit sad as I like the rest of the cast.

ER -- 6/136 (Thursdays at 10pm) -- I know it's a good show, but I picked Chicago Hope 6 seasons ago when both began and I've stuck with it ever since. With that gone, I just can't replace it with this.

Providence -- 2/40 (Fridays at 8pm) -- Don't watch it. It takes place in Rhode Island. My brother seems to think their license plates read “The Corrupt State”.

Law And Order: Special Victims Unit -- 1/22 (Fridays at 10pm) -- There wasn't enough Munch (Richard Belzer) to keep me watching for very long. I'm sure it's as good as it's companion show, so I may give it another chance.

NEW SHOWS

Deadline (Mondays at 9pm) -- Emmy Award-winning executive producers/creators Dick Wolf and Robert Palm (both from Law & Order” and “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”) enter the journalistic arena in this two-fisted drama starring Oliver Platt (“Bulworth,” “Dr. Dolittle”) as a crusading New York newspaper columnist and a Pulitzer Prize winner who lives his life in boldface type and makes headlines of his own with his rabble-rousing “Nothing But the Truth” byline. Thrice-divorced Wallace Benton (Platt) is not alone in his quest for journalistic veracity as he recruits the brightest students -- Beth (Christina Chang, “Random Hearts”) and Foster (Damon Gupton, “The Loretta Claiborne Story”) from his college teaching gig to assist him in turning over rocks and kicking down doors to uncover what many powerful special interests want to stay dead-and-buried. Lending grudging assistance to Benton’s windmill-tilting is an executive assistant D.A., Benton’s well-preserved mother and his young, long-suffering editor. Lili Taylor (“The Haunting,” “Mad About You”) also stars. “Deadline,” which is filmed on location in New York, is a Wolf Films Production in association with Studios USA Television. Michael Ritchie (“Fletch”) directs.

JOEL’S TAKE: While I like Oliver Platt, there doesn’t seem to be enough here to keep me watching past a 3 episode review period. Especially with Roswell on at the same time.

Michael Richards Show (Tuesdays at 8pm) -- Three-time Emmy Award winner Michael Richards returns to series television and teams with three former “Seinfeld” writer/producers in this inventive gumshoe comedy. Richards stars as an offbeat private investigator living in Los Angeles who gets the job done, however unconventional his methods. “Seinfeld’s” Spike Feresten, Gregg Kavet, Andy Robin and Richards are the writers and executive producers for Castle Rock Entertainment in association with Warner Bros. Television

JOEL’S TAKE: Have I ever told you how much I wanted Kramer to die on Seinfeld????

Tucker (Tuesdays at 8:30pm) -- Tucker Pierce (Eli Marienthal, “Unlikely Angel”) is one 14-year-old who puts the “diss” in dysfunction when he and his newly divorced mother Katie (Noelle Beck, “Central Park West”) start their new life at the worst possible time and place in this edgy, single-camera comedy. Already wracked by teen desires and insecurities, Tucker and his cash-poor mom reluctantly move in with her harpyish older sister Claire (Katey Sagal, “Married...with Children”), a prim perfectionist whose oversized and loutish 15-year-old son Leon (Nathan Lawrence, “A Different Kind of Christmas”) harasses his grossed-out cousin Tucker. The only ray of hope for Tucker beams from next door where the lissome McKenna (Alison Lohman, “Safe Harbor”) resides, a savvy classmate who alternatingly taunts, teases and inspires him. Also starring is Casey Sander (“Grace Under Fire”) as easygoing Uncle Jimmy. “Tucker” is from NBC Studios in association with Regency Television Productions. The executive producers/writers are Terri Hughes (“Idle Hands”) & Ron Milbauer (“Idle Hands”). Allan Arkush (“Ally McBeal”) directs.

JOEL’S TAKE: Sounds more like Malcolm’s Mediocre Middlebrow Morons.

DAG (Tuesdays at 9:30pm) -- Versatile David Alan Grier (“In Living Color”) and Delta Burke (“Designing Women”) star opposite each other in this playful White House comedy about a demoted Secret Service agent (Grier) who must guard the First Lady (Burke). Grier is Agent Daggett, who zigged when he should have zagged during a failed assassination attempt on the President (guest star David Rasche, “Sledgehammer!”). Grier is reassigned to protect the publicity-seeking First Lady Judith Whitman, her rebellious teenaged daughter Lenore (JoAnna Garcia, “Freaks and Geeks”) and bookish younger daughter Camilla (Sarah Hagan, “Freaks and Geeks”). But as Daggett plots a return to shielding the vacuous Prez, he discovers the First Lady’s public mask hides a wounded politician’s wife whose brood now views him as a surrogate father. Lauren Tom (“Friends”) plays Judith’s shifty social secretary. Stephen Dunham (“Oh Grow Up”), Mel Jackson (NBC’s “Little Richard”) and Hedy Burress (“Boston Common”) also star as fellow Secret Service agents. “DAG” is produced by NBC Studios and the executive producers are Eileen Conn, Andrew Gordon (both from “Just Shoot Me” and “Mad About You”) and Jack Burditt (“Just Shoot Me,” “Mad About You”). John Fortenberry (“Everybody Loves Raymond”) directs.

JOEL’S TAKE: I really like David Allen Grier, so maybe if I’m taping Frasier I can also tape this. And he’s got a great supporting cast, so we’ll see where it goes.

Steven Weber Show (Thursdays at 8:30pm) -- Steven Weber (“Wings”) returns to series television in this quirky comedy about a successful man whose fast-track life becomes slightly more complicated when a jilted blind date places a mysterious hex on him -- and suddenly, his future is forever star-crossed. Despite his dilemma, Chicago advertising executive Jack Nagle (Weber) finds a way to make it through a bachelor’s life that’s littered with laughable land mines. Also starring are Amy Pietz (“Caroline in the City”) as Jack’s simpatico ex-girlfriend, Chris Elliott (“There’s Something About Mary”) as his troublesome doctor buddy and Wendell Pierce (“Third Watch”) as Wendell, his affable co-worker. Mitchel Katlin and Nat Bernstein (both from “Ally McBeal,” “The Wonder Years”) serve as executive producers/writers. James Burrows (“Will & Grace,” “Friends”) directs this comedy from NBC Studios in association with Artists Television Group.

JOEL’S TAKE: Of all the sitcoms after DAG, this one shows the most promise. If I’m still watching NBC on Thursdays, this’ll be in there.

Titans (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- Glitz, power and turbulent family struggle grab center stage in this serial drama from producer Aaron Spelling (“Dynasty”). “Titans” centers on 26-year-old fighter pilot Chandler Williams (Casper Van Dien, “Starship Troopers”), a prodigal son who comes home to Beverly Hills and finds his filthy rich family torn apart. Keeping the turmoil boiling are his divorced parents, aviation entrepreneur Richard Williams (Perry King, “Melrose Place”) and club owner Gwen (Victoria Principal, “Dallas”), who have staked out their rival mansions across the street from each other. But adopted son Chandler’s reunion turns bittersweet when he meets his father’s young, deliciously wicked fiancée Heather (Yasmine Bleeth, “Baywatch”) -- the same woman who shared Chandler’s bed just two months earlier -- and resumes his competition with scheming brother Mason (John Barrowman, “Central Park West”), who resents the favorite son’s plan to take over the family business. Add to this zesty mix a set of beautiful sisters -- lovelorn alcoholic Jenny Williams (Elizabeth Bogush, “Beverly Hills, 90210”), and take-charge Laurie (Josie Davis, “Beverly Hills, 90210”) -- and the “dish” factor increases exponentially. “Titans” is from Spelling Television in association with NBC Studios. Executive producer/writer is Charles Pratt, Jr. (“Melrose Place”). Spelling and E. Duke Vincent are also executive producers. Priscilla Garita (“Sunset Beach”) and Jason Winston George (“Sunset Beach”) also star.

JOEL’S TAKE: YAWN!

Ed (Sundays at 8pm) -- From the writer/producers of “The Late Show with David Letterman” comes this story about the quirky life of New York attorney Ed Stevens (Tom Cavanagh, “Providence”), who moves back to his small Midwestern hometown of Stuckeyville after losing his job and dumping his cheating wife. Once there, he’s intent on pursuing romance with attractive teacher Carol Vessey (Julie Bowen, “ER”), the most popular girl in high school when they were classmates years before -- although she barely knew him -- and she’s now dating someone else. Nevertheless, Ed believes he has a chance with Carol, so he buys a bowling alley, begins a law practice there and moves in with his best friend Mike (Josh Randall, “Angel”), and Mike’s wife, Nancy (Jana Marie Hupp, “Brooklyn South”), who are new parents. Lesley Boone (“High Incident”) also stars as Molly, Carol’s best friend and co-worker at the school. “Ed” is produced by NBC Studios in association with Worldwide Pants and Viacom Productions. Written by co-executive producer Jon Beckerman (“Late Show with David Letterman”) and executive producer Rob Burnett (“Late Show with David Letterman”), the show is directed by Jim Frawley (“Ally McBeal”).

JOEL’S TAKE: Don’t know about this one. We’ll have to see where it goes, but my viewing time on Sundays is already taken up by shows THAT CAN’T BE BUDGED!

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Semper Fi -- Oscar-winning filmmaker Steven Spielberg, Jim Uhls (“The Fight Club”) and Michael Watkins (“The X-Files”) are the executive producers of this realistic depiction of a diverse young group of U.S. Marines during their tour of duty from boot camp to field action around the world. The raw recruits of Platoon 3015 hail from a variety of backgrounds but are united in their desire to make the code “honor, commitment and courage” their new way of life. They include: the privileged Cliff Truckee (Scott Bairstow, “Party of Five”) and Sharon Exler (Bianca Kajlich, “10 Things I Hate About You”), who sign up to find greater meaning in their sheltered lives; Keith Maddox (Vicellous Reon Shannon, “The Hurricane”), who seeks to escape his father’s criminal past; gritty Steve Russell (Steve Burton, “General Hospital”), who tries desperately to live up to the standards set by his fellow Marine father and brothers before him; and Douglas Cepeda (Michael Pena, “Felicity”), Maria Velez (Tammy Townsend, “Grown Ups”) and Alex Kosegin (Alex Burns), who resist the undertow of their poverty-filled background as they search for fresh challenges and adventure. The disparate grab-bag of strangers come together as they vow to remain “always faithful” -- to their country, the Corps and each other. Uhls is the writer and Watkins directed the pilot of this production from DreamWorks Television in association with NBC Studios.

JOEL’S TAKE: I’m surprised this didn’t make the actual fall schedule. It sounds interesting.

Go Fish -- Adam Herz, the creator of the hit film “American Pie,” serves up this coming-of-age comedy featuring meek high school freshman Andy “Fish” Troutner (Kieran Culkin, “The Cider House Rules”), who hopes to join the cool crowd as he enters high school. But the lovestruck Fish’s most difficult hurdle will be to catch the attention of the beautiful Jess Riley (Katherine Ellis, “Malcolm in the Middle”) -- who barely knows he exists. Trying to establish their own footholds in the high school hierarchy are his friends, heavy-set Henry Krakowski (Kyle Sabihy, “Analyze This”) and the blissfully oblivious Hazard (Taylor Handley, “Jack Frost”). Also populating Fish’s world at school are his older brother Pete (Will Friedle, “Boy Meets World”), a recent college grad who joins the teaching staff; the oddball drama teacher, Mr. Hopkins (Andy Dick, “NewsRadio”); and the attractive English teacher, Miss Eastwood (Kristin Lehman, “Dog Park”). Joe Flaherty (“Freaks and Geeks”) and Molly Cheek (“American Pie”) also star as Fish’s quirky parents. “Go Fish” is from Atusis Entertainment in association with Touchstone Television. Writer Herz and Nina Wass (“The Secret Lives of Men”) are executive producers.

JOEL’S TAKE: Sounds like it’s got some potential. Let’s see where it lands and when it lands.

News From The Edge -- What if all those supermarket tabloids are right and there really are monsters and aliens living among us? That’s what young, unemployed journalist Tucker Burns (Chad Willett, “Jack & Jill”) discovers in this drama series when he reluctantly hires on at the “World Chronicle” in New York and finds out that everything it prints is the truth -- and they’ve got the proof. Joining Tucker in his otherworldly investigations is sassy reporter (and former alien abductee) Grace Antonelli (Rena Sofer, “Melrose Place”) and tireless photographer Wes Freewald (Reno Wilson, “Sliders”) as the dedicated “Chronicle” staff seek out the truth behind the most fantastic and unbelievable headlines. Lending a hand -- and hoof -- are Tucker’s gruff editor Donald Stern (Jon Polito, “Homicide: Life on the Street”) and the “Chronicle’s” top researcher, Sal the Pig-Boy (Patrick Renna, “Recess”), a half-man, half-pig who works in the secret underground archives. “News from the Edge” is a production of the Greenblatt Janollari Studio in association with NBC Studios. Robert Greenblatt (“The Hughleys”), David Janollari (“The Hughleys”) and Gina Matthews (“Popular”) are the executive producers. Silvio Horta (“Urban Legend”) is the co-executive producer/writer and Mark Buckland (“Brutally Normal”) is the director.

JOEL’S TAKE: This X-Files meets Lou Grant clone could be interesting.

These Women -- From the acclaimed writers of “Ellen,” “Murphy Brown” and “Roseanne” comes this comedy about the relationship between three very different but tightly bound sisters whose life quests allow them to reunite in Los Angeles. Eldest sister Bess (Katherine LaNasa, “Schizopolis”) is married, pregnant and full of advice for her two younger sisters, Nora (Vicki Lewis, “NewsRadio”), a divorced documentary filmmaker, and Annie (A.J. Langer, “It’s like, you know…”), who still struggles to find her identity. Their mother Honey (Connie Stevens, “The Sex Symbol”) is a former beauty queen and New-Age philosopher happily married to their father (Peter Bonerz, “The Bob Newhart Show”). David Alan Basche (“Oh Grow Up”) also stars as Steven, Bess’ understanding husband who feels outnumbered by the women in his life. “These Women” is a production of NBC Studios. Eileen Heisler and DeAnn Heline are the executive producers/writers. Pamela Fryman (“Just Shoot Me,” “Frasier”) is the director of the pilot.

JOEL’S TAKE: Been there, done that.

Kristin -- Tony Award winner Kristin Chenoweth (“You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown”) stars in this uptown comedy as a small-town girl who leaves her sheltered life in Oklahoma to pursue her dream of becoming a Broadway star. However, until then, Kristin (Chenoweth) reluctantly accepts a job working for a handsome but morally bankrupt real estate tycoon, Tommy Ballantine (Jon Tenney, “Get Real”) -- and sets out to reform him. Meanwhile, smooth-operator Tommy is convinced by his right-hand man Aldo (Larry Romano, “King of Queens”) that her upright values will upgrade his public image. Kristin gets a little help from her friends, such as her roommate Sloane (Marquita Terry, “Party of Five”), a sexy, successful model, and her spiritual adviser, Reverend Thornhill (Christopher Durang, “Lateline”). Mindy Sterling (“Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”) also stars as the dictatorial office manager. “Kristin” is produced by Markusfarms in association with Paramount Network Television. John Markus (“The Cosby Show”) and Earl Pomerantz (“Lateline”) are executive producers. Markus wrote the pilot and James Widdoes (“Frasier”) is the director.

JOEL’S TAKE: Talented cast of stage people do not make successful sitcoms, but I’d give it a chance depending on the time slot.

FINAL WORDS

Cold Feet -- 1/4 of 6 – Anyone remember this show?

Freaks And Geeks -- 1/12 of 18 -- A good show that got two raw deals from NBC

Stark Raving Mad -- 1/17 of 18 -- Hmmm....didn't this win a People's Choice Award for best new sitcom or something like that? Shows you what the people know. I liked it, but knew it wouldn't last. It didn't.

Profiler -- 4/82 – Liked it, but didn’t watch it often enough to matter.

Others -- 1/9 of ?? -- Not a bad addition to the Saturday "Thrill-ogy" (yuck what a word), but all things must come to an end.

Pretender -- 4/86 – Eh, no big loss.

Jesse -- 2/40 of ?? -- It began cute and then NBC meddled with it (the joke was her brother didn’t talk, but of course by the second season she didn’t have any family so it didn’t matter they had forced him to talk). Is anyone surprised?

Veronica's Closet -- 3/58 of 63 -- I still love the cast of this show. I just wish it were better.....or different. Now it’s just gone. Oh well.

Suddenly Susan -- 4/83 of ?? -- This should have gone with the actor who killed himself.

God, The Devil And Bob -- 1/4 -- All I remember now is "eh". Nothing great. No loss.

Battery Park -- 1/4 of 5 -- Did I even see this?

Mike O'Malley Show -- 1/2 -- Only two episodes aired and yet he's on a new show. Amazing ain't it. It only proves it's not what you know, it's who you blow.

Twenty One -- Good riddence.

World's Most Amazing Videos -- obviously not that amazing. But look for NBC to resurrect this faster than Lazarus if anything starts to falter.

JUST KIDDING

Dog Years – yes, it was about talking dogs

Fortunate Son

Good Guys/Bad Guys

Hollywood P.I.

Just Married

L.A. Sheriff’s Homocide

Neurotic Tendencies

Peter Principle

Sherman’s March

S--- Happens

Silent Witness

Thing About Family

This Life

Those Who Can’t

The Tiffany Network (CBS) seems to be trying to hold it’s own by pandering to everyone without any real strategy. The same network that carries Diagnosis Murder has Walker Texas Ranger. I’m sure these shows have audiences that are miles apart.

RETURNING SHOWS

King Of Queens -- 2/49 (Mondays at 8pm) – I don’t catch it very often, but it’s a funny show. Does anyone else remember that the wife had a sister that also moved in with them in the pilot??? I guess she moved in with Roger Cunningham.

Everybody Loves Raymond -- 4/99 (Mondays at 9pm) – See the above entry, without the sister comment.

JAG -- 5/109 (1st 22 on NBC/Tuesdays at 8pm) – my grandfather made me watch this with him a few times recently. It’s not that bad.

60 Minutes II – (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Oh lookie here…..another damn news magazine.

Judging Amy -- 1/22 (Tuesdays at 10pm) – I don’t even remember watching this at all even to review it.

Becker -- 2/44 (Mondays at 9:30pm) – see the entries for the other Monday shows.

Diagnosis Murder -- 7/162 (Thursdays at 10pm) – Not only is it nice to see that Dick Van Dyke’s still alive, but that he’s working so much. Now he just needs to get his son off the show (I hate nepotism).

Family Law -- 1/22 (Mondays at 10pm) – Good cast, decent show, don’t care.

48 Hours – (Thursdays at 8pm) – Yawn!

Nash Brdiges -- 5/99 (Fridays at 10pm) – I only watched this because it had Now And Again as a lead in. If that were still the case, I’d continue watching. But it’s no big loss for me. The show’s okay.

Walker Texas Ranger -- 8/179 (Saturdays at 9pm) – Eight Seasons??? How the f&*k has this piece of s*&t lasted EIGHT seasons?

60 Minutes – (Sundays at 7pm) – the granddaddy of news magazines is still the best. But what happens when all these guys are dead in like two years??

Touched By An Angel -- 6/142 (Sundays at 8pm) – I don’t think I’ve ever watched an episode of this.

City Of Angels -- 1/13 (Thursdays at 9pm) – I didn’t catch this at all and now that it got renewed at the last minute, thereby negating Now And Again’s renewal, I will not watch this show unless Now And Again is returned to the airwaves. I don’t care how good it might be.

NEW SHOWS

Yes Dear (Mondays at 8:30pm) -- Meet Greg and Kim Warner, a young couple living in Los Angeles. He's an accountant; she's a stay-at-home mom for their one-year-old son, Sammy. Greg takes his role as provider, husband and father very seriously, but his most difficult job may be keeping his wife calm as they raise their son. It's not that she's a neurotic mother; she just likes to get up every hour to make sure her son is still breathing. Kim's older sister, Christine, and her husband, Jimmy, are a bit more relaxed when it comes to raising their two children. While Kim spends all day making organic baby food, Christine's idea of a balanced meal is making sure her kids get a side of fries with their fast-food burgers. Meanwhile, Jimmy can't understand why Greg wants to take the kids to play at the park when they can have just as much fun at the local casino. They may be family, but these odd couples have very different ideas about love, marriage and raising children. Starring Anthony Clark as Greg Warner, Jean Louisa Kelly as Kim Warner, Liza Snyder as Christine Hughes, and Mike O'Malley as Jimmy Hughes.

JOEL’S TAKE: Mike O’Malley in a new sitcom. Can’t CBS learn from NBC’s stupidity?? Of is there something about this guy we don’t know yet (after all, his last sitcom ran a whole TWO episodes).

District (Saturdays at 10pm) -- Jack Mannion (Craig T. Nelson) is the new police commissioner of Washington, D.C., brought in to overhaul an antiquated system ill-equipped to deal with the problems of a sprawling, crime-ridden city. As much a friend to ordinary citizens as to high-ranking politicians, Mannion has quite a task ahead of him. He immediately selects the most promising officers around him to become his circle of aides. Mannion and this group of modern-day Untouchables set out to bring order to the District and to clamp down on the crime in America's capital. Executive producers Terry George (In the Name of the Father, The Boxer), who also wrote and directed, and Denise Di Novi (Batman Returns, Message in a Bottle) give prime time its next big cop drama, inspired by the experiences of real-life D.C. hero Jack Maples. Starring Craig T. Nelson as Jack Mannion, Jayne Brook as Maryanne Antonio, Rocky Carroll as Adrian Spencer, Justin Theroux as Steve Miller, Roger Aaron Brown as Noland, and Lynne Thigpen as Ella Farmer.

JOEL’S TAKE: Could be interesting, but nothing to really grab mine here.

Bette Show (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- It's not easy being divine. Bette Midler may perform for sellout crowds and adoring fans, but that doesn't stop her small-screen husband from falling asleep as soon as they get into bed. She may have been nominated for two Academy Awards, but her teenage television daughter is still embarrassed to be seen with her at the mall. And then there's the constant dieting, bingeing and dreaming of plastic surgery. So what's a diva to do? It's a tough life, but Bette loves every minute of it. And if she doesn't, don't worry—you'll hear all about it. Join the truly divine Bette Midler as she makes her network television series debut in a show about an incomparable superstar who happens to be none other than Bette Midler. Starring Bette Midler as Bette, Kevin Dunn as Roy, Lindsay Lohan as Rose, Kimiko Gelman as Amy, Joanna Gleason as Connie, and James Dreyfus as Oscar.

JOEL’S TAKE: I like Bette Midler, so she gets a shot with me. We’ll see how the show really is.

Fugitive (Fridays at 8pm) -- Last seen escaping fiery locomotives, leaping from waterfalls and battling a one-armed man atop a Chicago high-rise, The Fugitive is back. Updating the classic 1960s series with the thrills and high-tech style of the Oscar®-nominated smash movie, executive producers Arnold and Anne Kopelson and Roy Huggins (producer of the original Fugitive), writer John McNamara (Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman) and director Mikael Saloman (Aftershock) bring back to television the now-classic tale of Dr. Richard Kimble (Tim Daly of Wings), an innocent man accused of murdering his wife. Adrift in a sea of strangers, Kimble is searching for the one-armed man who actually committed the crime and while eluding capture by Lt. Philip Gerard (Mykelti Williamson), who's always hot on his trail. From week to week, Kimble touches the many lives that his flight intersects as he travels from city to city and coast to coast in his quest for justice. These encounters are ended as suddenly as they began when the good doctor is forced to hop the next train out of town. Starring Tim Daly as Dr. Richard Kimble and Mykelti Williamson as Lt. Philip Gerard

JOEL’S TAKE: Hmmmmm, I’m a bit skeptical of yet another version of The Fugitive, but it does have a very cool cast (I really like both leads). This is going to be an expensive show, so we’ll see how long they keep it around.

Welcome To New York (Wednesdays at 8:30pm) --Weatherman Jim Gaffigan's not in Indiana anymore. When he worked the local news in Fort Wayne, life was good. He was the big fish, popular at work, even captain of the company softball team. But he's quickly learning that being the new "meteorologist" for AM New York is a whole new ball game. Jim's boss, Marsha Bickner (Emmy winner Christine Baranski in her highly anticipated return to CBS) is the high-strung—is there any other kind?—producer who hired him. But she can't remember whether Jim's from Minnesota or Indiana, and she doesn't much care, as long as she can change his wardrobe, fill in his thinning hair and get to work on his "corn-fed belly." Making matters worse, there's the security guard Jim already offended and the assistant he fired without even knowing it. And that's just within two hours of arriving at his new job! Maybe they just don't understand Jim's simple Midwestern sensibilities. Or maybe he has a lot to learn about life in the big city. Who knows? Join Christine Baranski and standup comedian Jim Gaffigan in this Midwest-vs.-midtown comedy about an innocent man making his way in a tough new town-with a corn-fed belly, to boot. Starring Christine Baranski as Marsha Bickner, Jim Gaffigan as Jim Gaffigan, Rocky Carroll as Adrian Spencer, Kimiko Gelman as Amy, Francis Guinan as Henry Yarbrough, and Mary Birdsong as Connie.

JOEL’S TAKE: I also like Christine Baranski, so she gets a shot also. But I guarantee if one of these Wednesday sitcoms goes down, they both go.

CSI (Fridays at 9pm) -- If yours is ever a dead body lying in a pool of mystery, you'll want the C.S.I. on your case. This is the team of investigators who, after a single glance at a corpse, notice that one of its shoes is tied differently from the other, which turns out to be the key to finding the killer; who find as much detail in the blood splattered on the wall as they do in the smudged fingerprints on the knife handle; who deduce that the bystander near the scene of the crime was no bystander at all. Get caught up in the world of the Crime Scene Investigators of Las Vegas, an eclectic ensemble of forensic heroes who work day and night, in the penthouse suites of glamorous hotels and in seedy back alleys far from the lights, solving crimes in ways that no other cops could. William Petersen (To Live and Die in L.A.) comes to series television as the star of this exciting hour from megaproducer Jerry Bruckheimer (Con Air, Armageddon). Emmy winner Marg Helgenberger costars. Starring William Petersen as Gil Grissom, Marg Helgenberger as Catherine Willows, Gary Dourdan as Warrick Brown, George Eads as Nick Stokes, Chandra West as Holly Gribbs, and Paul Guilfoyle as Captain Jim Brass.

JOEL’S TAKE: Jerry Bruckheimer does TV. While I like the leads, I suspect we should expect Las Vegas to be blown up and destroyed (like in “Con Air”) week after week. Check your attention span and your suspension of disbelief at the door and don’t expect them back.

That's Life (Saturdays at 8pm) -- Lydia Savage (Heather Paige Kent) is a thirtysomething woman from New Jersey who has abruptly ended her engagement to a guy whose greatest excitement about their upcoming nuptials was over the microwave he'd hoped to score at her bridal shower. To the usual befuddlement of her blue-collar family and friends, she decides to enroll at Montclair University, a prestigious school on the other side of the tracks, populated by kids who act as if they're on top of the world that they own anyway. Now she's a true fish out of water, swimming with students often book-smarter than she is, but it won't be long before they realize how much they (and even some of her professors) will be learning from her. Part Working Girl and part Educating Rita, That's Life is an ensemble drama about the real people in the world that Lydia is only now beginning to learn about, the one that Felicity and Dawson and the rest of their angst-ridden friends only think they know. Debi Mazar, Kristin Bauer, Paul Sorvino and Kevin Dillon round out the cast, along with five-time Oscar® nominee and Best Actress Oscar winner Ellen Burstyn as Lydia's mother. Starring Heather Paige Kent as Lydia Savage Debi Mazar as Jackie Alabanza Kristin Bauer as Candy Cooper Ellen Burstyn as Dolly Kevin Dillon as Paul.

JOEL’S TAKE: Good cast. Bad time slot. Mediocre sounding show.

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Look ma, no mid-season replacements announced. Wonder why?

FINAL WORDS

Now And Again -- 1/22 -- What can I say that would not be repeating myself? I'll have a much larger Fugue on this show in a few days. I'm still sorting out some things, but I'm gonna examine this show from an "executive" standpoint and explain why it shouldn't have been cancelled (and why CBS apparently jerked the producers around until the last minute with things). And for the first time in my life I’ve jumped on a letter writing campaign to save this show. Someone suggested sending eggs to CBS (you’d know the significance if you saw the show) and it’s not a bad idea (especially since it’s got a two fold meaning). Meanwhile, if the Eyeball Network does rerun this during the summer at all, you must watch every episode under penalty of death from me J

Chicago Hope -- 6/141 -- It had a decent run. I just wish it had gone out with a bigger bang like a showdown between Mandy Patinkin and James Garner. I’d have paid good money for that fight.

Martial Law -- 2/44 -- What do I know. Two years ago I was part of a research group for CBS shows. This was one and I thought it was silly fun, but wouldn't make it. Do I even remember the other shows shown? Of course I do. But I bet none of you would.

Ladies Man -- 1/21 -- It was funny, but not a big loss. Rumor places it as returning mid-season anyway.

Early Edition -- 4/87 -- Never watched it. Or at least don’t remember the episodes I may have seen. It had a good run.

Cosby -- 4/95 -- At least we got to see Madeline Kahn every week for almost four full seasons. And Cosby himself still knows how to be funny when he wants.

Grapevine -- 1/5 (1992 Version 1/6) – this “remake” didn’t work back in 1992, what made them think it would work now?

Work With Me -- 1/4 of 5 – oops……missed it….but I like Nancy Travis and Kevin Pollack, so they need a shot at good stuff.

Candid Camera – Ding Dong the Witch is dead!

Winning Lines – one less prime time game show is a good thing.

Love And Money -- 1/4 of 5 – oops….I blinked.

Falcone -- 1/9 – I taped this whole series with the intention of watching all nine in one sitting. It got bad reviews. I erased the tapes. They’re doing a second run this summer, perhaps I’ll try again.

Kids Say The Darndest Things – this’ll be back when something tanks on CBS. Guaranteed.

JUST KIDDING

Cold Shoulder

Four Play

Further Adventures

Good As Gold

It’s About This Guy

My Family/Mi Familia

Mysteries Of 71^st Street

New Ellen Show

Untitled Katz Project

Fox has no real reason to change gears. They easily put together what has to be a great schedule based on strong returning shows and interesting new ones.

RETURNING SHOWS

Ally McBeal – 3/70 (Mondays at 9pm) – This funny show from David Kelley returns for a strong fourth season. I watch it on occasion and will continue to do so.

That 70’s Show – 2/51 (Tuesdays at 8pm) – This wonderful comedy may run into shome problems in a season or two. The first season ended in May of 1977, so if we assume a season per year then the beginning of the fourth season will take place in 1980. Will there be a title change? Of course this year’s season finale claimed the show was still taking place in 1977. Did we have two of these years? Did I miss something? Anyway, it’s obvious that the VCR will be grinding for sitcoms on Tuesdays or I’ll be taping the WB depends on the week and my mood.

Titus -- 1/13 (Tuesdays at 8:30pm) – This midseason replacement from this past season made the perfect companion for That 70’s Show. Fox could have a good comedy 2 hour block if they were to pair these with Malcolm and Don’t Ask. And Stacey Keach does deserve an Emmy Nomination as Poppa Titus, he’s Archie Bunker….without the love….and he plays it to the hilt.

Cops – (Saturdays at 8pm) – Hey! I know that guy! He lives next door!

America’s Most Wanted -- (Saturdays at 9pm) – Hey! I know that guy! He lives next door!

Futurama – 2/29 (Sundays at 7pm) – This show may eventually surpass The Simpsons as my favorite animated show of all time. I was a bit worried that this year’s season finale would just be a rip-off of The Simpsons Halloween Specials, but the three short “what if” segments were hysterical. We got to see what if Bender were 500 feet tall (he’d wind up battling a 500 foot tall Dr. Zoidberg), what if Leela were more impulsive (she’d wear boots with a stripe and have a murderous streak) and what if Frye never came to the future (the universe would implode with the help of Al Gore and his Action Pack – Stephen Hawking, Nichelle Nicols, Gary Gygax and Deep Blue, the chess playing computer). I just hope it doesn’t get too pre-empted by Football this coming season.

King Of The Hill – 4/82 (Sundays at 7:30) – Unlike most animated shows, this one actually has changes for the characters as if they were real people. It’s a nice change of pace for this oddball comedy.

The Simpsons – 11/245 (Sundays at 8pm) – What can I say beyond “Woo Hoo! They’re gonna be coming out on DVD!” And, just so there’s no confusion, Springfield isn’t in Kentucky. That’s where the actors playing the Simpsons moved to.

Malcolm In The Middle – 1/13 (Sundays at 8:30pm) – This is a truly funny and “original” sitcom (well, it’s new and different from the rest of the crap). I’d rather see it paired with some other live shows and see an animated show (like the now defunct Family Guy) follow The Simpsons. And for the record, guest star Bea Arthur deserves an Emmy for her un-advertised appearance (at least I didn’t know about it) as the babysitter. Now about that cliffhanger…….

X-Files – 7/161 (Sundays at 9pm) – There was some question as to whether this would be back again, so 2 endings were filmed for the finale just in case. Like all Sci-Fi shows of late (well….at least Star Trek), this one had to come full circle and go back to the beginning. It’s getting a bit tired, but was done well here. I’m sure the “other” ending (had this been a series finale) will appear on DVD. But in the meantime, we’re left with an abducted Mulder (to easier explain why Duchovny will only be in half the season, if that much) and a pregnant Scully (let’s not even go there) and a dead Smoking Man (or is he??? He may have survived his push down the stairs by Krychek). Well, at least it’s back again. What I’m really hoping for is more fun episodes and less crappy conspiracy ones. And who else thinks that Scully’s new partner should be Skinner instead of a new character?

NEW SHOWS

Don’t Ask (Wednesdays at 8pm) -- John Goodman (Roseanne) returns to network television in this family comedy about two college best friends--now single fathers--who share a suburban house with their teenagers. From the creators of That ’70s Show and 3rd Rock From the Sun.

JOEL’S TAKE: I have always been a big fan of John Goodman’s, so this is a must see for me. Unfortunately, it’s up against Bette Midler (whom I also like).

Schimmel (Wednesdays at 8:30pm) -- Stand-up Comic of the Year-winner Robert Schimmel teams with Emmy Award-winning writer/executive producer Mike Scully (The Simpsons) to create this outrageous and irreverent take on family life. As the father of two teen-age daughters, Schimmel says and does things we wish we had, and things we never would’ve thought of in the first place!

JOEL’S TAKE: Robert Schimmel is very funny, but very X rated in his stand up. It’s gonna lose something here, but maybe it’ll still be worthwhile. As we go to press, this show has been moved to mid-season status. Don’t Ask will be taking the 8:30 slot and reruns of Malcolm and Titus will play in the lead off slot.

Boston Public (Mondays at 8pm) -- He reinvented legal drama with Ally McBeal and The Practice. Now multi-Emmy, Golden Globe and Peabody Award-winner David E. Kelley tackles high school. The flipside of the teen drama, Boston Public explores the personal and professional lives of a group of Boston educators and features Kelley’s trademark blend of drama and comedy.

JOEL’S TAKE: A show I’m very much looking forward to. It’s got Fyvush Finkle, could one ask for more?

Dark Angel (Tuesdays at 9pm) -- Academy Award-winning Titanic director James Cameron teams with Emmy Award-winning writer Charles Eglee (Murder One) to create this futuristic, sci-fi adventure series set in post-apocalyptic America.

JOEL’S TAKE: Hmmmm…..Cameron may finally have his first dud on his hands. Why is there no real description of the show?

Fearsum (Fridays at 8pm) -- This sci-fi drama combines the interactivity of the Internet with the power of television to spin tales of the unexpected, and often unexplained. Both a television drama and an online series, Fearsum follows a young Web master whose paranormal Web site leads him to his long-deceased twin, who may be very much alive!

JOEL’S TAKE: This is from the team that brought us “The Blair Witch Project”, so there may be some creepy stuff, but there may also be a lot of frustration involved. The promo during the season finale of The X-Files was really cool. It looks like the talented Ethan Embry stars (he was in Can’t Hardly Wait).

Night Visions (Fridays at 9pm) -- In the eerie style of The Twilight Zone, this gripping anthology series creeps from horror to psychological drama to supernatural adventure, never letting up until the final bizarre plot twist. Each vignette plays upon basic human fears, but will linger in memory long after the credits roll.

JOEL’S TAKE: Once again “Antholgies don’t work on TV anymore”. But I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and check it out.

The $treet (Wednesdays at 9pm) -- Darren Star, creator of Sex and the City, Melrose Place and Beverly Hills, 90210, steps out of the bedroom and onto Wall Street. A new generation of upstarts rules the roost at Balmont Stevens, Inc. However, this boys’ club shares space with some corporate-types and together they must navigate the world of high finance...and high-stakes living.

JOEL’S TAKE: Could be interesting…..we’ll see.

MID SEASON REPLACEMENTS

Celebrity - Go behind the scenes with six individuals at different stages of their Hollywood careers. Join the former child star, the A-list actor and his ignored wife, the eager ingenue, the supermodel and the rock star as they clamor for Celebrity.

JOEL’S TAKE: Sounds like it could be interesting, but not enough to go on.

Grounded For Life -- When the Finnerty family gets together, the stories start unraveling...literally. Each week as they spin their tales, we watch a series of vignettes--complete with interruptions from various family members. This unique family comedy comes from producers of both 3rd Rock From the Sun and That 70s Show.

JOEL’S TAKE: Could be interesting (at least more interesting than most other sitcoms scheduled), but not enough to go on.

Killer App - Set at the Seattle-based start-up Spritecom, this drama explores the cutthroat world of new technologies and the creative minds that drive this highly competitive, billion-dollar industry. From Tom Fontana (Homicide), Barry Levinson (Homicide), writer-cartoonist Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury) and Allen Coulter (The Sopranos).

JOEL’S TAKE: Again, not enough to go on, but could be interesting given the creative team involved.

Live Girls -- Jenny McCarthy heads up a vibrant young cast in this lighthearted comedy about three twentysomething women tackling all of life’s little annoyances (men, work, men, rent, men)! Thankfully, they have each other to help formulate a game plan.

JOEL’S TAKE: Wasn’t this an NBC show about three years ago called Jenny??

Lone Gunmen -- This hugely popular trio of computer-hacking conspiracy freaks break free of The X-Files to spin off into their own series, the brainchild of X-Files creator Chris Carter. Frohike, Langly and Byers embark on a variety of adventures centering on corporate and government intrigue, conspiracy and deception. If only their social lives were so exciting!

JOEL’S TAKE: I guess if we had to have an X-Files spin-off, this is better than Skinner of the FBI.

Tick -- Created by Ben Edlund (creator of the comic book and animated series of the same name) and directed by Barry Sonnenfeld (Men in Black), The Tick brings the never-ending battle of good and evil to new heights of comedic chaos. Starring Patrick Warburton (Seinfeld) as The Tick.

JOEL’S TAKE: Both the cartoon and the comic book are hysterical. Can a live action version also work? Well, David Warburton is a good start. But not being able to use certain names from the comic and cartoon (like Die Fladermaus is now called Bat Manuel and American Maid is Liberty Woman) is gonna hurt.

Ultraviolet -- This one-hour drama is a compelling and visually arresting blend of science fiction and drama from former producers of The X-Files and My So-Called Life. It delves deep into a bizarre New York underworld where vampires are fighting a government agency. Can one NYPD cop rescue his partner before the vampires claim him as their own?

JOEL’S TAKE: Hmmm….sounds too much like Angel for my tastes. And two vampire series on TV at once is already pushing it.

Untitled Michael Crichton Project -- Mastermind writer/director/producer Michael Crichton brings his unique talents to FOX. Crichton’s novels have become legendary films (Twister, Jurassic Park, Rising Sun) and his producing talents helped bring television’s ER to life. With his proven abilities behind the scenes, Crichton’s original drama is sure to bring excitement and action to the FOX lineup.

JOEL’S TAKE: Okay, so it’s kinda obvious that Michael Crichton’s developing a show and beyond that tidbit no one knows what it’s about. Although since he’s so popular, an hour of watching this very tall man take a dump would probably be enough for some network executives. Let’s hope Fox gets a bit more for their money.

JUST KIDDING

Damaged Goods

Father Can’t Cope

Loveland

MK3

National Lampoon’s Family Vacation

Star Patrol

Third Coast

Untitled Jacobson Project

Untitled Pimental Project

UPN is….well it’s UPN does anyone really care?

All you need to know is that WWF Smackdown is on Thursdays and Star Trek: Voyager is still gonna be infesting our airwaves and destroying a once well handled franchise. Maybe the Borg’ll finally blow them up.

Well, that’s all folks. If you want more all I have to say is “Wasn’t it long enough today??”

Be seeing you

Joel

Professor of Murderology and Murderonomy

New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 8

welcome to hell

April showers brought Waylan Flowers and Madame out here on the East Coast (and no I'm not gonna explain that one.....). And so begins another mighty issue of the all-encompassing, all-knowing, all-bullshit Fountain. This month brings movie reviews a plenty (well...maybe just one or two), the return of the notable quotables (which we haven't seen in quite sometime), and a new feature entitled "How'd You Like That Cooked" (this will cover rumors and other crap cooked up on the internet about various movies).....but first let's talk about...

the boob tube

Now that the 1996-1997 TV season is over....let's look back (and ahead) and see what happened (and what's to come). We'll do this network by network...show by show....and start at the top of the heap with NBC.

The Peacock network dominated the year with their "Can't Avoid TV" promos which pushed their flailing and stupidly moronic knock-off comedies. Monday Nights' Mr. Rhodes and the transplanted from ABC Jeff Foxworthy Show brought yawns of a different kind to America. Tuesdays were bolstered by the returning (but starting to wane) Mad About You, the always funny Frasier, and the mildly amusing, but'll grow on you Caroline In The City. These show sandwiched the surprisingly engaging Something So Right - a 90's version of The Brady Bunch with mixed families. Naturally NBC didn't renew this winner for the 1997-1998 season. Wednesdays saw an early death for The John Larroquette Show and a near death experience for Newsradio. Surprisingly, Wings survived the odds and ended a nine year run and even more surprisingly Men Behaving Badly got renewed for a second season (they must have paid a SHITLOAD of money for this pathetic concept. Thursdays saw new shows Suddenly Susan, The Naked Truth (another ABC transplant), and Fired Up all do their part in bridging time between the juggernauts that's Friends, Seinfeld, and ER for those that don't know). Fridays highlight remained Homicide. Saturdays saw the "Thrillogy" of Dark Skies, The Pretender, and The Profiler. Two of the three were worth anything. Third Rock From The Sun and Boston Common held Sundays as best they could (Common even became funny with the addition of Roger Rees, but it was a day late and a dollar short). Mid-season replacements included the amusing Just Shoot Me and the not quite so amusing, but it won't kill us Chicago Sons. Oh yeah...The Single Guy floundered on a couple of different nights (with several new cast additions) and Dateline filled up every other available timeslot. (Yes...some of you are going "What about Law And Order?"...well it's still there...but I watch the reruns on A&E instead of the new ones on NBC....it's my drama version of Wings on USA).

Next season on NBC looks like this (new shows are in bold):

MONDAY is "Ladies Who Helped Thursday Night But Probably Can't Stand On Their Own": Suddenly Susan at 8/Fired Up at 8:30/Caroline In The City at 9/The Naked Truth at 9:30/Dateline at 10
TUESDAY is "The Best Night We Currently Got For At Least Two Hours": Mad About You at 8/Newsradio at 8:30/Frasier at 9/Just Shoot Me at 9:30/Dateline at 10
WEDNESDAY is "We Couldn't Think Of Anywhere Else To Put The Aliens Night": The Tony Danza Show at 8/Built To Last at 8:30/Third Rock From The Sun at 9/Working at 9:30/Law & Order at 10
THURSDAY is "MUST SEE TV OR ELSE WE'LL THROW OTHER CRAPPY SHIT FILLED SHOWS AT YOU": Friends at 8/Union Square at 8:30/Seinfeld at 9/Veronica's Closet at 9:30/ER at 10
FRIDAY is "Go Out And Do Something Instead Of Staying At Home Like A Couch Potato Night": Players at 8/Dateline at 9/Homicide at 10
SATURDAY is "Nowhere Man Connection Night": The Pretender at 8 (this show FELT like Nowhere Man)/Sleepwalkers at 9 (this show stars Bruce Greenwood...star of Nowhere Man)/The Profiler at 10 (this show was created by Larry Herzog...creator of...guess what)
SUNDAY is "Crap Night"; Dateline at 7/Men Behaving Badly at 8/Jenny at 8:30/NBC Sunday Night At The Movies at 9

I'm not going to do rundowns of the new shows. The one to catch is Sleepwalkers. The others are all shitty sitcoms with fading stars (Tony Danza, Kirstie Alley, Jenny McCarthy).

Over on the #2 network CBS there was a whole lotta nothing going on. Murphy Brown added Lily Tomlin and saw Garry Marshall and Paul Reubens return a few times to keep the show funny. Dave's World managed to hang on one more season before being put out of it's misery. The Nanny got more crass and more funny. Chicago Hope finally started to find its footing after another tumultuous season beginning. Two Cheers cast members returned to TV with one half of a former Hollywood couple (Ted Danson with Mary Steenburgen and Rhea Pearlman with Malcolm McDowell) and they both died long slow deaths. Cosby returned and for some reason Everybody Loves Raymond (thaaat's riiight....so do I though). Next Season looks like this:

MONDAY: Cosby at 8/Everybody Loves Raymond at 8:30/Cybill at 9/George & Leo (Bob Newhart returns) at 9:30/Brooklyn South (hey look Steven Bochco made a cop drama) at 10
TUESDAY: JAG at 8/Michael Hayes (David Caruso returns to TV after a long successful film career) at 9/Dellaventura (Danny Aiello falls onto TV after a long successful film career) at 10
WEDNESDAY: The Nanny at 8/Murphey Brown at 8:30/Bryant Gumble News Program (self explanatory) at 9/Chicago Hope at 10
THURSDAY: Promised Land at 8/Diagnosis Murder at 9/48 Hours at 10
FRIDAY is "We Stole ABC's TGIF Lineup Night": Family Matters at 8/Meego at 8:30 (Bronson Pinchot returns to TV...although I don't think he ever left)/The Gregory Hines Show at 9/Step By Step at 9:30/Nash Bridges at 10
SATURDAY: Dr. Quinn at 8/Early Edition at 9/Walker, Texas Ranger at 10
SUNDAY: 60 Minutes at 7/Touched By An Angel at 8/Movie at 9

ABC became #3 (or #4 if you ask FOX...but they're not a real network) and with good reason. Their hit shows started to suck, they still don't know quality and what to do with it, and you couldn't get them to change their ways if you held a gun to their head. Murder One miraculously was given a second season which was akin to a death sentence. It eventually went out the way it came in (with a whimper filled with solid writing and acting). Roseanne ended her run by ripping off Dallas and St. Elsewhere in an attempt to explain a painfully unfunny season. Coach also ended it's run, but like NBC's Wings most people thought it had been canceled a long time ago. Arsenio returned to TV in an expensive show that flopped and was NOT renewed at all....not even as a mid-season replacement. And Ellen finally came out of the fucking closet to a slew of stupid publicity (the entire town Roseanne takes place in has been gay for years!) The only hit show was Spin City which currently has a stay of execution (but on a new night).Mid-season's run of David E. Kelley's The Practice gave Kelley a hat trick (with Picket Fences and Chicago Hope), but it's been relegated to Saturdays where Twin Peaks died eons ago. ABC had renewed Lois And Clark for two seasons a year ago, but it dropped so far in the ratings, they'd rather piss away the money than air the damn show. And what happened to Muppets Tonight from two seasons ago? ABC held three episodes and ordered 13 more. As of this date, they have yet to air and are not on tap for fall. Next season reads like this:

MONDAY: Timecop at 8/Monday Night Football at 9 (we'll see what happens in this slot when football season's over)
TUESDAY: Soul Man at 8/Over The Top at 8:30 (Tim Curry on TV)/Home Improvement at 9/Hiller And Diller at 9:30/NYPD Blue at 10
WEDNESDAY: Spin City at 8 (here's a mistake waiting to happen)/Dharma & Greg at 8:30/The Drew Carey Show at 9/Ellen at 9:30/Prime Time Live at 10
THURSDAY: Nothing Sacred at 8/Cracker at 9/20-20 at 10
FRIDAY: Sabrina at 8/Boy Meets World at 8:30/Genie at 9/Teen Angel at 9:30/20-20 at 10
SATURDAY is "You Can Tell We Like These Shows Cause We're Airing Them When Nobody's Fucking at Home And If They Are They're Watching NBC or CBS Anyway Night": C-16: FBI at 8/Total Security at 9 (a Steven Bochco drama with Jim Belushi)/The Practice at 10
SUNDAY: Wonderful World Of Disney at 7/ABC Sunday Night Movie at 9 (which really means two movies back to back...one just happens to be either animated or family oriented)

Grace Under Fire and Painful Harm Comes To Pets And Children While Grown Men Get Kicked In The Crotch (otherwise known as America's Funniest Home Videos) will return when on or more of the new shows die quickly (or an old show dies slowly).

Fox is the only network whose Fall Schedule makes any sense. Married With Children ended a run long enough to put it in the ranks with Cheers and MASH. Sliders returned yet again and became a one note joke to see what movie we can base a planet on (Jurassic Park, Interview With A Vampire, Night Of The Living Dead all come to mind), but it won't be back again. Millennium has yet to be the show it's been advertised as (a cross between The X-Files and the movie Seven....so far it's just the latter). King Of The Hill joined The Simpsons to make up the funniest animated hour on TV (and that would include putting Friends and Seinfeld back to back).

MONDAY: Melrose Place at 8/ Ally McBeal at 9 (another David E. Kelley lawyer show...four well written shows could be pushing it)
TUESDAY: Movie at 8
WEDNESDAY: Beverly Hills 90210 at 8/Party Of Five at 9
THURSDAY: Rewind at 8/Between Brothers at 8:30/413 Hope Street at 9 (Damon Wayans produced this teen crisis center show)
FRIDAY: The Visitor at 8/Millennium at 9
SATURDAY: Cops at 8/America's Most Wanted at 9
SUNDAY "If We Could Find Something Of Quality For 7pm We'd Have The Greatest Night On TV In History": World's Funniest..... at 7/The Simpsons at 8/King Of The Hill at 8:30/The X-Files at 9

Even though UPN and The WB aren't full networks yet, I'll talk about them as I can. UPN is trying hard. Their best rated show is Star Trek: Voyager which is gold just cause of it's title, but the show sucks (see the new column about what's going on here). The Sentinel is fun. The rest of their line up is adequate for a startup network. They will be expanding to Thursdays mid-season with a two hour Sci-Fi movie block and the rumors are running hot and heavy (Nowhere Man, Doctor Who and Star Trek: Excelsior all seem to be coming to this, but I'd doubt them all right now). The WB is even less of a network...all sitcoms and crappy dramas. The only high point here was the mid-season addition of Buffy The Vampire Slayer which should be shunted to Fox on Sundays at 7 (IMHO). They even axed Brotherly Love (a guilty pleasure of mine) which they had stolen from NBC. The fall looks like this for both:

MONDAY WB: 7th Heaven at 8/Buffy The Vampire Slayer at 9
MONDAY UPN: In The House at 8/Malcolm & Eddie at 8:30/Good News at 9/Sparks at 9:30
TUESDAY WB starting mid-season: Dawson's Creek at 8/Three at 9
TUESDAY UPN: Clueless (stolen from ABC) at 8/Moesha at 8:30/Hitz at 9/Head Over Heels at 9:30
WEDNESDAY WB: Sister, Sister at 8/Smart Guy at 8:30/The Jamie Foxx Show at 9/The Wayans Brothers at 9:30
WEDNESDAY UPN: The Sentinel at 8/Star Trek: Voyager at 9
THURSDAY WB: No programming
THURSDAY UPN: Thursday Night Sci-Fi Movie at 8
FRIDAY WB: No programming
FRIDAY UPN: No programming
SATURDAY WB: No programming
SATURDAY UPN: No programming
SUNDAY WB: The Parent'hood at 7/Nick Freno: Licensed Teacher at 7:30/The Steve Harvey Show at 8/Unhappily Ever After at 8:30/The Tom Show at 9 (yes....Tom Arnold returns to TV)/Ocean Drive at 9:30
SUNDAY UPN: No programming

UPN also has a backup show called Ruby starring David Faustino (he found work quickly after Married With Children's demise) and the voice of Whoopi Goldberg as a puppet.

Well there you have it. This is what you can look forward to next fall on TV. A whole lotta nothing....or the same old nothing....depends on how you look at it.

brush up your shakespeare

Over the last year or so, we've gotten a deluge of movies based on Shakespearean plays. I'm going to take a look at a few of them:

Hamlet - never before has Shakespeare's greatest play been done on the screen in it's entirety. And frankly there were good reasons for this. Kenneth Branagh stars, directs and wrote (and got an Oscar nomination for this one....shouldn't that have gone to Shakespeare?). It is a grandly visual film, but quite frankly it's so slow that it almost comes to a screeching halt in a number of spots before picking up again for an action packed ending. Cameos abound here and most of them are just gimmicky (like Gerard Depardieu who plays Reynaldo, Polonius' manservant, who has like six lines all of which read "yes my lord"....what a waste of talent). At 4 hours and 2 minutes, this is a Hamlet that should not have to be.

William Shakespeare's Romeo And Juliet - now here's how Shakespeare needs to be done for today. Cut the text to it's most important passages, jazz it up with some cool techno funky type music, and keep the shots short and sweet. Great story, great film. The film stars Leonardo Dicaprio, Claire Danes, Paul Sorvino, Brian Dennehy, and Pete Postlethwaite. This will make a great Shakespeare double bill with Richard III (see review below).

Twelfth Night - I got to see this performed in Central Park years ago with a great cast (Jeff Goldblum, Michelle Pfeiffer, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, Stephen Collins, Fisher Stevens, John Amos, and Gregory Hines). It's a funny play once you get into it. That cast made things more accessible. This cast (Ben Kingsley, Mel Smith, Richard E Grant, and Helena Bonham Carter) make things drag for a while before the film starts to get even remotely funny. Miss this unless you really need to see it. Someday there'll be a better version (I hope).

Richard III - like Baz Lurman's Romeo & Juliet this is how Shakespeare should be done for the big screen today. A large "name" cast with the text cut to its minimum and the story moved to a different time and place. Here it's 1930's England under fascist rule. Ian McKellen makes a truly horrifying Richard III. The supporting cast includes Annette Benning, Robert Downey, Jr., and Nigel Hawthorne.

Looking For Richard - this makes a nice companion piece to the above film. Al Pacino directed this "documentary" about the attraction we have to Shakespeare. He's sprinkled it liberally with scenes from Richard III and interviews with various famous actors and Shakespearean scholars. An interesting film at least.


secret....agent man

Mike Meyers has finally found something to sink his teeth into without resorting to using characters he developed on Saturday Night Live. His newest film, Austin Powers, International Man Of Mystery, is one of the goofiest films ever made. And that's definitely not a bad thing. This film is everything Spy Hard should have been (hell...it's everything Casino Royale should have been). Meyers plays Powers, a superspy from the '60's, who is cryogenically frozen after his arch-enemy Dr. Evil (also played by Meyers) freezes himself. Both men get defrosted in the '90's and have a hell of a time adjusting to changes. Elizabeth Hurley plays Miss Kensington, Austin's new partner and daughter of his former lover Mrs. Kensington (played by Mimi Rogers). Where the older Kensington is a product of the swinging '60's, where a woman could easily love a nebbish as nerdy as Austin, the younger Kensington is a product of the '90's (and can't stand Austin's bad teeth). The film is rife with dead-on Bond jokes (in fact the plot is almost a rip-off of Thunderball - could this be yet another remake of that tired story?). We have a giant Asian henchman known as Random Task, a femme fatale with the sexually suggestive name of Alotta Fagina (okay it's not very suggestive...in fact it's pretty blunt), and Dr. Evil (who looks like Donald Pleasance's Blofeld from You Only Live Twice) even strokes a cat (a hairless one....as the freezing process and revival has caused Mr. Bigglesworth to lose all his hair). If you're looking for a film that's purely entertaining and a whole lot of shagging fun, you could do worse than see this one.

how'd you like that cooked?

Welcome to a brand new feature where I'll be posting various rumors and facts (depending on how you look at them) that pertain to upcoming movies, upcoming TV show episodes, and anything else that falls into this category. So without further ado....here we go:
Tomorrow Never Dies - this is the 18th James Bond film and it stars Pierce Brosnan, Michelle Yoeh, Teri Hatcher, Jonathan Pryce, Judi Dench (M), Desmond Llewelyn (Q), Samantha Bond (Moneypenny), and Joe Don Baker (returning as the CIA's Jack Wade). Pryce plays a media mogul who'd rather destroy Hong Kong than see it turned over to the Chinese. Hatcher's his wife Paris who knows Bond from her past. Yoeh is a Hong Kong policewoman helping Bond. Roger Spottiswood directs. Now for the rumors: REM is doing the theme song (NOT), Kate Bush is doing the theme song (NOT), Duran Duran is doing the them song (maybe.....????), Bond commits suicide and/or murder (????), Brosnan will only do two more Bond films after this (yes....he stated it on The Tonight Show). The movie opens on December 23 (maybe United Artists would like it earlier)
Godzilla - has started shooting in NY. Stars Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Hank Azaria.....comes from the team that gave us Stargate and Independence Day
Superman Lives - Tim Burton directs Nicholas Cage as the new "electric" Man Of Steel (from the current comics), Patrick Stewart as Brainiac, Jack Nicholson as Lex Luthor, and Michael Keaton in an extended cameo as Batman. The script is by Kevin Smith. Smith did write a script that supposedly is incredible, but it had nothing to do with the current comic book. Burton and Cage are signed. Burton hired someone (Akiva Goldsman???...the person who scripted Batman's last two outings) to rewrite Smith's script. Christopher Reeve will have some role in front of or behind the camera. IMHO this film has "SUCKS BIGTIME" written all over it
Star Trek 9 (Star Trek: The Next Generation Movie 3) - Patrick Stewart IS already signed (remember he's the one who signed last for First Contact). Michael Piller is writing the script. Some of the Deep Space Nine cast will have large parts (????...script isn't written yet). The film will be shot in IMAX (nope....but there will be a separate Trek film in IMAX with some or all of the four shows casts).
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine - 1997-1998 season is its last. Worf and Dax will marry. Sisko and Kassidy Yates will marry.
Star Trek: Voyager - Jennifer Lien (Kes) is leaving the show. Garret Wong (Harry Kim) is leaving the show. A Half Borg female will be joining the crew. The last two are unconfirmed rumors, but all three would help improve this show. Janeway and Chakotay should hook up again and the Doctor should go crazy and take over the ship for at least an episode.
Batman: Gotham Nights - is the name of the animated show when it returns in September. Dick Grayson becomes Nightwing. There'll be a new Robin. It'll be the same or a bit lighter (we'll know for sure when the damn thing airs). There will be 21 new episodes alternating weekdays with Superman and on Saturdays after the Man Of Steel.
Batman 5 - to be called Batman Triumphant, directed by Joel Schumacher, starring George Clooney and Chris O'Donnell as Batman and Robin. The villains will be Scarecrow (Michael J. Fox or Howard Stern depending on what you hear....both are false) and Harley Quinn (Jenny McCarthy or Sandra Bullock depending on what you hear) and/or Mad Hatter (Mel Gibson.....the only sane casting choice rumored about)
UPN's Mid-Season Sci-Fi Movie Thursdays - there will be a movie every Thursday, but half will be theatricals that UPN has gotten their hands on. The other half will be original sci-fi films. The big rumor is that Universal will make a second Doctor Who film as a test for a series and UPN will put it here (don't count on it.....but Philip Segal's offices are now on the Paramount lot...and Universal's option doesn't run out until the end of the year). UPN has also promised Nowhere Man a few telefilms so they could go here, but Bruce Greenwood and Larry Herzog are busy with new shows. And the long rumored "Adventures Of Captain Sulu" show could wind up being tested here (I hope not)!

an old fashioned hollywood musical of a different kind

Last year, Turner Animation released a very simple, yet fairly entertaining cartoon called Cats Don't Dance. Nobody saw it. It will be coming out on video in August (and yes...it's at an affordable price...if you're interested, but I'd suggest renting before buying). The story concerns a cat named Danny (voiced by Scott Bakula) who goes to Hollywood to live his dream of becoming a singing and dancing Hollywood star. When he gets there, he meets a number of other animals who have all been beaten by the system and have given up their dreams. He reinvigorates them, but they are unfortunately on the wrong side of Hollywood's sweetheart Darla Dimples (lover of children and animals...NOT). Darla and her behemoth of a butler, Max do their best to get all the animals kicked out of showbiz. But of course Danny and his friends triumph in the end. It's a fun film with fun songs and it hearkens back to old time Hollywood musicals like Singin' In The Rain (the film is even dedicated to Gene Kelley). This is about as good as animation gets if it ain't from Disney, so if you like this sort of thing, you owe it to yourself to catch it.

someone left the cake out in the rain

Before I get to the nitty gritty of this review, let me state up front that The Lost World: Jurassic Park is a fun entertaining, roller-coaster ride of a film that you'll find a fun way to spend two hours at a movie theater.

That said, let me explain why I don't like this film as a film. Speilberg is going through the motions here and it shows. Sure you're on the edge of your seat most of the time, but you've been there before (like in Jaws) and with a better story and more rounded characters. The problem this film has lies with it's source material. Not the novel The Lost World upon which it is loosely based, but the original Michael Crichton novel, Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is arguably Crichton's best book. It's a gripping story propelled by well rounded characters. The book was made into a movie (directed by Speilberg, written by Crichton and David Koepp) where the basic plot and characters were retained, but they were drained of all dimensionality. Lawyer bad...grandfather good....kids in way....scientists in awe, but knowing this is a bad idea....this is how the characters became in the film. Now, while the first film was a lot of fun, it was not the book. And there was no real reason it shouldn't have been the book. It had a great cast and a masterful director. For whatever reasons, the film was disappointing (to me), but it made a shitload of money. This is Hollywood terms means "Let's make a sequel". But Crichton needed to write a book first. His book The Lost World is a sequel to the movie more than a sequel to the book (Ian Malcolm - Goldblum's character - dies in the first book). But more than that it's sloppy writing from a great writer (so was Twister). Crichton didn't have a hand in the screenplay. David Koepp wrote it alone, but you know he a Crichton had breakfast before either started writing because there are so many similarities. And there are so many interesting concepts in both book and film, that it becomes even more disappointing that some aren't pushed and used to great effect (the safari hunter Roland Tembo - movie - chameleon dinosaurs - book - the whole concept of just what a "Lost World" is - both). Here we get what is essentially a reptilian remake of King Kong that isn't as deep or as exciting (and yes the T-Rex is brought to the mainland to be oooohhed and aaaahhhed by stupid humans who'll end up be trampled) crossed with a strange mix of the original book (Hammond's nephew somehow is exactly how Hammond acted in the original novel...we also get to meet Compys, a very mischievous, yet dangerous breed of dino that was all over the original book). I could go on and on about how ultimately disappointing this movie is because of what it could easily have been. To paraphrase Ian Malcolm here: "This is a overblown, badly executed idea in a long sad Hollywood history of overblown, badly executed ideas". Unfortunately, Malcolm's reference implied that his would be the last. We have a whole summer ahead of us filled with disappointing crap like this.

watch this space

Next month I will be starting a new column in which I give in depth analysis to movies than have been released on video with extra footage. Why was the footage cut? Why was it inserted in? Who's idea was it? And why are most of these available only on laserdisc? Expect answers to all of these questions next month as I kick off this column with a review of Ransom whose laserdisc release contain about 18 minutes of extra footage. This will be followed up by Scream (9 minutes extra), Dead Poets Society (15 minutes extra), Pretty Woman (15 minutes extra), JFK (17 minutes extra), and Natural Born Killers (4 minutes extra). After that I'll tackle some other "extended versions" (like Superman, Needful Things, and Dances With Wolves.....a loooonnnnggg way away cause I'm dreading the research on that one). I will not be covering films covered elsewhere (specifically things in Video Watchdog like Dune, Highlander, The Abyss, Aliens, Legend, and Blade Runner), but that may change even further into the future.

digital venue dissected

Well, I've finally had the opportunity to examine DVD first hand in my own home. The results are mixed at best. Picture quality was sharper and brighter than laserdisc, but only mildly and only truly noticeable on my 80 inch ProScan TV. Of course it blew VHS out of the water. The sound quality was a bit lower than laserdisc. I do not have a Dolby Digital set-up, but the Dolby Pro-Logic didn't sound as loud or as bright as laserdiscs. I made comparisons on several of the Warner titles (Batman, Interview With A Vampire, and Lethal Weapon to name three) and they all had the same results. The "supplementary" features left a lot to be desired. The production notes and filmographies for cast members were interesting, but the "If You Liked This, Try Watching...." Sections reeked of stupidity and bad advertising (they old showed you cover art for the suggested titles). There is still so much inconsistency in this format, that I can't recommend it yet. There are a lot of kinks to be worked out before I plunk down $500 bucks for a machine. The jump between laserdisc and DVD just isn't great enough to be justified, especially since four major studios are still sitting the game out (Paramount, Universal, Fox, and Disney) in spite of any internet rumors you hear to the contrary. Some questions to be pondered: why does MGM/UA put the widescreen and pan&scan versions on one side of a dual layered disc and Warner use two sides (one layer) when they're supposedly the same company? Why does Warner put out pan&scan only versions of films that have letterboxed versions of laserdisc? Why can't Warner offer a pan&scan version on films longer than 135 minutes by putting the widescreen on one dual layered side and the pan&scan on the other dual layered side? Why does Columbia/TriStar only put one version or the other on a one-sided disc instead of offering both? Why doesn't Columbia/TriStar put any supplements on their discs other than using the not very useful unless you're deaf or don't speak English subtitling and dubbing features? Why are Lumivision and Simitar even bothering when their product is so inferior it could kill the format alone? Why am I still going on about something like this when I have better things to do?



never say goodbye

Well that's the end of another issue. Even though I said the notable quotables would return, it hasn't....but it will. Next month more summer movie reviews, some video reviews, an in depth article on Batman in all his incarnations with a review of the new film (but not one of the new animated film Sub-Zero unless I can get an advanced copy.....I had been contemplating holding the June issue until mid-July to include this, but the release of Sub-Zero's been pushed to October...so that's no longer an option), the long awaited review of Raymond Benson's Zero Minus Ten (I haven't finished it yet), a review of some Doctor Who books, the Ransom comparison and the usual dreck and crap.

Be seeing you,

Joel Fenster
Lord Of Time

New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 7

overture, curtain, lights

Welcome to yet another star studded, action packed, suspensefully funny issue of your favorite bathroom material (and those of you using this as toilet paper....use it in good health). Anyway.....I'd ramble on a bit more about nothing in particular, but I've got plenty to write home about so.....on with the show this is it.

welcome to the 21st century

It's amazing what kind of a country we live in. Our government can't get their act together on reforming health care, social security, or welfare, but give them a topic that really matters and watch how they screw us all for a few bucks. If you haven't heard the FCC finally has gotten their shit together with HDTV (high definition television for those still living in caves). What this means for Joe Six Pack and his family is that by the year 2006 he's gonna have to shell out a shit-load of money to replace his TV and VCR with new digital versions. That's right....digital TVs and VCRs will be hitting the market by the end of next year (expect prices to start at $5000 for TVs and $1000 for VCRs). By that point a good number of broadcast stations will also begin broadcasting digital signals (don't worry they'll have dual analog broadcasts for at least a year before going all digital). For those of you with more than one TV currently trying to figure out if you'll be able to afford the upgrade or children, you will be able to buy a converter that will change the digital signal into analog so your current TV isn't completely useless (the converters starts at around $200). Anyone currently contemplating the step "up" into DVD may want to think twice now because the current DVD players aren't compatible with tomorrow's TVs even though that first D stands for Digital. This is just another step towards that really neat concept called conversion. You know, that's where your blender will also toast bread, call 911, and orally gratify you all at the same time. Isn't progress just spiffy? Smaller, digital, and all-in-one aren't necessarily good things, but we're humans...we'll never learn.

speaking of our government

How many of you out there knew about the new federal law that makes it illegal for a motion picture to depict minors having sex or in sexual situations even if the actors in the roles are not minors? Huh...what'd he just say? Basically what this means is that certain movies like...oh I don't know....let's say The Last Picture Show could technically be banned and deemed illegal because Cybil Shephard has sex. Now I believe at the time Cybil was in her 20's, but her character was still in high school. Get the picture? This law was one of those silly things that was tacked onto some other stupid congressional idea (I believe it may have been the balanced budget act) and it's purpose was to weed out "pornography" (whatever the hell that is....but that's a whole other ball o snot). Didn't anyone really think of the ramifications of this? Thankfully so far...not. But it's gonna happen. If we live in a country where some backwater hick congressman can complain about NBC's airing of Schindler's List as being too violent and sex-filled, then you know where he's headed next. If it ain't gonna be The Last Picture Show, it could be Porky's or Risky Business or Biloxi Blues or (fill in the blank with any other movie title where teens have sex).

Well...I think I'm done with my political rant....oh wait one last thing.....I may not like Ted Turner for a variety of reasons (colorization, trying to supress Crash, marrying Jane Fonda), but the man did come out and say the right thing on a subject that's taken up way too much time in the news. I'm paraphrasing, but he was attributed as having said something to the effect of "Why are we wasting our time broadcasting information about a bunch o wackos who killed themselves, when we should be celebrating the 6 billion smart people who didn't?" Enough said

siskle and ebert can go f!@# themselves

I'm tired of movie critics these days. All they do is lie and make hypocritcal and false statements. The bald turd and the fat blob have this tendency to watch movies, enjoy movies, and then sum up by giving it a thumbs down. What?!!!! "I liked it, but I can't recommend it." How asinine does that sound? My current beef with them (and others) concerns the big screen remake of The Saint. This film is by no means an Oscar contender, but it's also not the dog that they claim it is. Their biggest mistake is comparing it to the James Bond films. To "quote" Lloyd Benson "I like James Bond, I know James Bond, This is no James Bond." Part of this may be the fault of Paramount's marketing department. They are trying to make The Saint comparable to last summer's similar source material Mission Impossible (another film with an undeserved bad rap). The previews make this film out to be a rocking action film along the lines of any one of the Bond pictures. It's not. It's not even close. Just because a guy who used to play The Saint went on to become James Bond (I'm talking about Roger Moore for those that don't know), doesn't mean that The Saint and James Bond are the same person....they're far from it. Bond is an international superspy with a cool attitude. The Saint is a Robin Hood-like thief who also does some detective work. The new film has more in common with Hitchcock's To Catch A Thief that any other film (quick aside...Hitchcock was originally supposed to direct the 1930's movie version, but he backed out to do Rebecca instead).

Val Kilmer starts as Simon Templar, a master of disguise and a techno-freak who will pull off any theft as long as the price is right. He's hired by a Russian oil magnate (from whom he just stole a chip) to steal a cold fusion formula from an American scientist (Elizabeth Shue). Templar seduces her, steals the formula, and then feels guilty about it because she fell in love with him. On top of this, she hadn't put the formula in the correct order, so the Russian ain't too happy either. Now he's got to save himself and the girl and possibly even Russia itself from this madman.

Okay...plot sounds simple enough. The movie has some problems. First is the opening. We get a Dickensian orphanage and a back story for Simon Templar that is just plain goofy (I won't even describe it, but it has to do with mean clergymen and the death of his childhood sweetheart). Second is Emma's (Elizabeth Shue) heart condition. She takes pills, but then all of a sudden she doesn't need them. Perhaps the excitement of being with Simon has "cured" her? Yeah right! I like the concept that even Simon isn't sure of who he is (thus explaining his need for disguises) and I like that each new persona is named for a Catholic saint. But another thing I don't like is the pay-off for him becoming "sainted". A Catholic saint needs to perform three miracles to get the designation. Simon performs two that work with the story...the third doesn't (he gets Emma to tell him she loves him...blech). Before Paramount ran the film for test audiences, Emma died at the end. This could have been his third miracle....bringing her back to life (with or without the pills), but it wasn't to be. The movie has a great musical soundtrack, including an update of the TV show theme. Roger Moore has a brief voice-over at the end of the film. On the whole, I enjoyed the film once I realized what it was really trying to be....no thanks to Siskle and Ebert.

short takes

Sling Blade - this Oscar winning film (Best Adapted Screenplay), is a very riveting and surprising film. It runs well over two hours, and even though it is leisurely paced, it doesn't feel slow. If you don't know the story, I'm not going to give it away. I went in only with the knowledge that this film was kinda like Forrest Gump, only slightly more psychotic. Billy Bob Thornton deserved the Oscar he did win and the other he was nominated for (Best Actor). John Ritter (of Three's Company fame) gives a surprising performance. So surprising, in fact, some of you may not quite recognize him at first.

Sleepers - an all-star cast barely appears in this 2 1/2 hour plus film. Robert DeNiro, Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Bacon, Brad Pitt, and Jason Patric are all listed above the title, but have little screen time in comparison to the four youths who this film is truly about. Four boys from Hell's Kitchen accidentally kill a man and are sent to a juvenile detention center where they are mentally, physically, and sexually abused by their guards (including the lead guard Kevin Bacon). Years later, two of them (who are now gangsters) spot Bacon in a bar and kill him. The other two (a journalist played by Patric and a lawyer played by Pitt) help their buddies and exact revenge against the system that made them what they are. Dustin Hoffman plays the defense attorney and DeNiro plays a priest who has been the boys' friend throughout their lives. The movie is riveting for the first hour and a half following the boys growing up, but then it bogs down for the remainder of the film when it pretty much turns into a courtroom drama. Minni Driver also stars. The movie is based on a book whose author claims the events he depicts are true.

Grosse Point Blank - John Cusack stars as a hit man who is having problems with his life. His competition (played gleefully by Dan Aykroyd) wants him to join the union he's putting together. His shrink (played nervously by Alan Arkin) is afraid of him. And his high school ten year reunion is coming up. He reluctantly goes home to discover his childhood home is now a convenience store, his mom's in a home, and he's still pining for the girl he stood up on prom night (Minni Driver). Hilarity ensues as Cusack has to dodge others who are trying to kill him, old friends he doesn't want to remember, and a target he doesn't want to kill. This is by far one of the funniest films in quite some time. It's Pulp Fiction meets Pretty In Pink. Joan Cusack also has a supporting role as her brother's secretary.

Chasing Amy - Kevin Smith (director of Clerks and Mallrats) brings us his most mature and thought provoking film to date. The story is quite simply the classic one of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy finds out girl is a lesbian, boy and girl become good friends, boy's best friend can't handle the lesbian because of his own sexual "frustrations", girl is won over by boy and becomes his lover, boy finds about girl's past in which she was heavily into sexual experimentation with both women and men, boy can't handle fact that girl slept with other men, and then all hell breaks loose. Somewhere in this whole chaotic mess is an appearance by the two characters everyone loves Jay and Silent Bob. References to his two previous films abound. The first half is hysterically funny, the second half is not as funny, but it shouldn't be. The only real problem with this film is Joey Lauren Adams' acting in certain scenes. It would have been more appropriate if she were less hysterical and more calm.

McHale's Navy - with a cast that includes such funny people as Tim Curry, Tom Arnold, Bruce Campbell, French Stewart, Brian Haley, Dean Stockwell, and Ernest Borgnine, you'd think this would be a very funny film. Well, you'd be thinking wrong.

peaks and valleys

Last year we had the pleasure of two alien invasion movies (the unintentionally funny and stupid Independence Day and the hysterically funny, yet slow moving Mars Attacks). This year we get dueling volcano movies. First came Dante's Peak starring Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton in which a geologist with a painful past tries to warn a town of impending doom. It's only in the last half hour that the volcano erupts, the first part of the film setting up some typical character development. Now comes Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones, Anne Heche, Gabby Hoffman, and Don Cheadle in which a tectonic plate shift causes a volcanic eruption in downtown Los Angeles. It's the first fifteen minutes where the characters are set up in a completely negligible fashion and then the rest of the film is spent running from slow flowing lava. Both films have decent premises that are marred by different problems. Dante's Peak spends way too much time on character development and some of that doesn't pay off in expected ways (which is a good thing), but it takes too long to get to the inevitable. Volcano plays more like a Mel Brooks parody of a disaster film (which is what Mr. Brooks should do next...a big nineties disaster film comedy....but I digress) in which the characters are so stupid it's incredible. Just one example (because I could go on forever about the stupidity in this film): a man rescues a guy from a train car, but the lava has surrounded the train. The guy knows he's gonna die, but he sacrifices himself to save the 220+ pound guy he's carrying fireman style over his shoulder. He jumps into the lava and begins to melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. Agonizing pain, yes...realistic, no. But the man still has energy to hurl the unconscious man a good five or six feet over the lava to safety. Now forgive me if I'm wrong (I'm no geologist), but if you got anywhere within, let's say three inches of lava, wouldn't you burst into flames? And if you stepped into it, wouldn't you immediately burst into flames (including the 220+ pound guy on your shoulders) instead of melting? Volcano is full of silly things like this (including a racial harmony message that has no place in this film). If you want a better film, catch Dante's Peak when it comes out on video (probably in August or September). If you want something that's action-packed, yet truly awful check out Volcano. Next year we get dueling asteroid movies. Hooray For Hollywood.

not fun in the summertime

It's usually around this time of year that I give a rundown of movies that we can look forward to this coming summer, since the summer movie season starts around Memorial Day. Since, as far as I'm concerned, the summer movie season started the day Dante's Peak opened (February 7) I'm going to let you know what NOT to look forward to. The summer of 1997 will be looked back upon as the WORST summer movie season since the last summer movie season (and you thought that was bad). The Lost World is the sequel to Jurassic Park. It should be better than the book (which read like a remake of the movie Congo) because they've changed a lot of it. Speed 2: Cruise Control is the most useless excuse for a sequel since The Cannonball Run II (Keanu was smart getting out of this one). Con Air is the first of this summer's Nicholas Cage action films (and this summer's Simpson-less Bruckheimer film)....the second might fare better as it co-stars John Travolta and is directed by John Woo (it's called Face Off and has nothing to do with hockey). Batman And Robin....don't get me started....look for the June issue to be an all-Batman issue that rips both Joel Schumacher films apart (the better Batman film is coming straight to video and it's animated). Hercules is this summer's Disney Animated Masterpiece (their 35th by their count) and is the only film I can't wait to see. It looks hysterical. Harrison Ford returns in Air Force One....guess what gets captured by terrorists. James Cameron has out-done, out-scheduled, and out-budgeted himself with the quickly approaching $200 million epic Titanic which fictionalizes the characters while keeping the facts straight (when will someone learn not to give this man all the money in the world). Sigourney Weaver returns as everyone's favorite alien-killing Ripley in Alien Resurrection (hey didn't she die in the last one....well this one's a clone). Spawn and Steel leap off the comic book page as the entire nation sighs and goes "Who?"....Everyone's favorite video game returns in Mortal Kombat Annihilation. Bruce Willis plays a cab driver in search of The Fifth Element. Those are the highlights (or nighlights)....even further in the future look for Tomorrow Never Dies in which James Bond returns to stop a Rupert Murdoch-type from destroying Hong Kong (it has Pierce Brosnan, Jonathan Pryce, Michelle Kahn, and Teri Hatcher - a new update on this next month along with a review of Raymond Benson's first Bond novel....whose first printing in Britain sold out in one week). Next summer look for Tim Burton to direct Nicholas Cage as Superman Reborn (or Superman Lives depending on whom you talk to). Michael Keaton puts in a cameo as everyone's late lamented Dark Knight in a script by Kevin Smith that's being rewritten by others (and yes it features Luthor, Brainiac, and Doomsday). Also if you haven't heard the cast for the next Star Wars (possibly called Balance Of The Force) film is shaping up as follows: Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Natalie Portman, and Ewan MacGregor as the young Obi-Wan Kenobi (although as we go to press, those last two might be out). More on this as it develops.

As we go to press: Alien Resurrection has been pushed back to November to get away from the "summer competition". And James Cameron's uber-film Titanic will not be docking anywhere near July 4th weekend unless they can get the special effects done in time. Apparently 100 computer geeks working round the clock from now until July 1 isn't enough time or man power. More money is needed. The way Hollywood does accounting (something I've briefly touched on before and should tackle in depth soon), this film will NEVER COME CLOSE to turning a profit.

dance, vidiots, dance

Well, the new technology DVD (Digital Versatile Disc - though no one but Toshiba will apparently call it that) has been on the marketplace for about a month. To state my opinion once again....I think this is a format with a lot of potential that is being marketed by the biggest A-holes this side of Mars. Once again backing up this claim (and once again bashing that corporate non-entity known as Warner), Warner Home Video is distributing their titles (as well as subsidiaries MGM/UA Home Video, New Line Home Video, and HBO Home Video) through three channels: directly to accounts, through Ingram, and through Image Entertainment. These last two are middle men; one a giant in the video distribution system, the other in the laser distribution system. Both companies are restricted from distributing to accounts anywhere except the seven "test markets" (New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Dallas, Chicago, and Washington DC). They have both been warned that they will punished if they even accidentally break this distribution pipe (I think the punishment had something to do with being forced to watch Twister and Being Human back to back for a whole month on end). Anyway...the accounts that Warner distributes to directly are apparently not affected by this since places like Media Buys and Nobody Likes The Wiz are getting shipments into their stores in those cities and side shipping them off to other places (like Norwalk, CT where a certain small video store is heavily into laserdisc and would love to jump the gun but can't because they aren't big enough to deal with Warner and Image can't ship to...but the fucking Wiz is not only selling the (&*^%&^ Warner titles, they're blatantly advertising them!!!!!!! AARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!)

Anyway....the hippo Warner (hippo as in hypocritical) once again gets a raspberry for their stupid plan of "test marketing" DVD and creating a false demand where none exists. This is the second of many raspberries that Warner will be getting from me in the coming months. On a surprising note, even though they've decided to neglect their laserdisc market, they apparently are putting the direct to video animated Batman movie Sub-Zero on laserdisc. Thanks for small favors guys. Too little, too late. What about that box set of The Wild Bunch you promised 2 years ago. You know the one that you postponed so you could put together a documentary. A documentary so good, you postponed the disc to release the documentary to theaters. The one that played in theaters and got an Oscar nomination (ha ha it lost). That same documentary that's being released on DVD only along with a widescreen/dolby digital version of The Wild Bunch. Fuck you very much guys.....oh and speaking of things from Warner that will probably never show up on laserdisc:

here's johnny

ABC has just finished airing a brand new six hour miniseries version of Stephen King's The Shining. Now, you may ask, why would we need a six hour miniseries when Stanley Kubrick made a perfectly good two hour movie 17 years ago (was it that long ago)? Well because Kubrick's film wasn't anywhere near perfect. Stephen King has always stated that he's been disappointed by Kubrick's film even referring to it as a "big beautiful car, with no engine". Apparently in order to get the rights back from Kubrick, King is no longer allowed to bad mouth the movie version. However, his view is a matter of record, and this contract doesn't apply to me...so I'll be ripping it apart as I go about reviewing the new version (actually I won't be ripping Kubrick's film apart...as a film it's quite good - and scary - as an adaptation of King's novel, it sucks).

King has written a very faithful adaptation of his own novel and has helped director Mick Garris cast it in a novel and unique way. Steven Webber (of TV's Wings) plays Jack Torrence, blocked writer, former drunk, fired teacher, loving father, and now caretaker of the Overlook Hotel - a place so haunted I wouldn't know where to begin. Jack takes his job seriously, so seriously that he winds up not working on his play to start researching a book about the hotel's rich and eerie past. It is this obsession that the ghosts use to get him drinking again (even though there's no alcohol in the snowed-in hotel) and then use a drunk Jack to get his son, whom they want more than anything. Jack's son Danny (played by Courtney Mead) has a special gift....a type of telepathy referred to as "Shining". The hotel's cook, Dick Halloran (Melvin Van Peebles) has it too, and it's he whom Danny "calls" from Florida to help them at the end. Our last character in this story is Jack's wife Wendy (Rebecca DeMornay) who loves her husband, but is still slightly unsure of his former drinking habits.

All of this stands in contrast to Kubrick's film where Jack (Jack Nicholson) is insane from day one and doesn't seem to have any love for his family, where Danny is a stiff who can only "talk" through his finger, where Wendy is a whining screaming sissy (played to perfection by Shelly DuVall), and where Halloran becomes dead as soon as he sets foot in the Overlook at the end (and so goes Scatman Crothers).

In the film, it is Jack that the hotel wants. In the book, and now the mini-series, it's Danny. Director Garris has done some stylistic things reminiscent of Kubrick's film, but without the artsy, and constant, use of a steadicam. This miniseries is a slow boil that takes it's time setting up everything, but once Jack goes over the edge (around the fourth hour) things move at such a clip and keep you so on the edge of your seat, you wonder why the hell you're watching knowing you're gonna be frustrated when they have to cut to commercial. Wait for this on video if you didn't see it yet. It's a must see, but you really shouldn't have to deal with the commercial breaks. It'll play much smoother as a 4 1/2 hour video.

As for King and the miniseries format, there's only two possibilities currently for him: a remake of 'Salem's Lot (already done as a decent 4 hour miniseries = 3 hours on video) or The Talisman (the ONLY way to do this book). The rest of King's work that currently remains unfilmed, consists of bloated books that would be better served as feature films where the script has cut the fat and gotten to the heart of the story (specifically speaking Desperation and The Regulators). Oh....and The Dark Tower series shouldn't be filmed until King's written the last part (and who knows when that'll happen....part IV comes out in late summer)

it's the end of the issue as we know it, and i feel fine

Well that's it for this month. Next month comes a review of the sequel to Jurassic Park entitled The Lost World, an overview of recent Shakespeare films, a look back at this past TV season and a look ahead at the next one, a review of Raymond Benson's first James Bond novel Zero Minus Ten, a goodbye look at Virgin Books Doctor Who: The New Adventures as it comes to an end (and the how's and why's of it's end as well as where the good Doctor may show up next), and the usual movie reviews, video reviews, rumor updates, and Warner bashing (I'll have a new excuse next month...promise....sorry Jason).

As for future things to look for: the long awaited debut of the Nowhere Man episode guide, the second season episode guide to SeaQuest DSV, and a 50th issue spectacular (50 issues....if this is #7...how do you come close to 50?.....this is the NEW Fountain of Useless Information...I started the OLD version in November of 1992 and having missed a few months here and there I'll hit my 5 year anniversary on my 50th issue and I'm planning something very special.....even I don't know what it is yet).

So until next month:

Be seeing you

Joel
Master Of His Own Domain

New Fountain of Useless Information Issue 6

lousy smarch weather

Welcome to another fun packed issue, folks. This month there's lots to cover....so let's get started.

genitalia

While I've never been a fan of his radio show, I've also never really found anything that Howard Stern says truly offensive (at least not personally), but I could understand why others did (hey we live in one of the most narrow-minded countries on the planet). Stern has proclaimed himself the "King Of All Media" and I have to wonder exactly as to what this term might mean. In spite of the fact that his film has gotten generally good reviews (and he gets another one in the next paragraph) and made a decent showing opening weekend, has he truly conquered the film industry? I think not. He keep proclaiming that his film tested with the highest scores out of any film in the history of Paramount Pictures, including Forrest Gump. Yet he doesn't seem to realize that this amounts to a whole lot of nothing in Hollywood. Gump got a C in its tests, yet it made a shitload of money and won a crapload of Oscars. So much for Hollywood tests. Anyway...my review....

Private Parts gives us a side of Stern that you don't get on the radio. Here's where you see the sensitive, I'm only joking side. And there isn't too much of his "radio" humor involved in this story (what is there has been toned down for the general public). Surprisingly, especially since he's playing himself, Stern has some acting ability (perhaps because his whole "bad boy" persona is an act). The film is skillfully directed by Betty Thomas (of Hill Street Blues who has also directed The Brady Bunch and The Late Shift - a film that this one resembles in almost every way). Whether you love or hate Stern, this film is entertaining and will be enjoyed even if you're determined not to.

those damn jedi are back again?

The release of Return of The Jedi: Special Edition brings the Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition to a less than stunning climax. But this was also true of the previous theatrical version. This third chapter has always been something of a letdown. The first third of the film deals with the rescue of Han Solo from the evil slug-gangster Jabba The Hutt. It is here that the special edition has most of its reworking. A musical number has been added to replace a previous one and it makes the death of Jabba's dancer Oola a bit more logical (she doesn't want to dance again for him). Boba Fett has been added into close-ups wherever possible. This is completely disconcerting because the new Fett footage is more colorful than the old Fett footage. The Sarlaac (the creature in the desert pit) has been given more tentacles and a beak that comes out and swallows people. Lucas could have taken the opportunity to keep Boba Fett alive, by having the Sarlaac spit him out (and thereby keep continuity with the novels that have been written of late where Fett's still alive due to this exact happening), but he doesn't and so Fett slides into the creature. With all the big hoopla of spruced up special effects, one scene that needed it and didn't get it is Luke's battle with the Rancor in Jabba's palace. Both Luke and the Rancor looked superimposed (depending on the shot) and nothing was done to correct this....it still looks cheesy. After Han's rescue the movie gets boring for a while (the middle third involves setting up everything for the final third). The Ewoks are still cute and annoying and pointless (couldn't they have digitally wiped out this race of creature and replaced them with Pirhana-people or something like that?). The end of the film is divided into three parts, two of which work (the one that doesn't involves the Ewoks). The very end of Jedi has had the most changes. The music of the Ewoks has been replaced with what sounds like a world music version of the Star Wars theme. The visuals now include celebrations and fireworks displays on Bespin's Cloud City, Tatooine's Mos Eisley Space Port, and the Imperial Homeworld of Coruscant (which has not appeared in any of the films until now, is untitled in the film, and can only be known by descriptions from the recent novels and the toppling of the Emperor's statue - which you might blink and miss) before returning to Endor and the Ewoks and that silly "photo" of main characters that ends the film. Don't get me wrong...this isn't a horrible film, it's just the least of the three. Oh and on a side note....while watching this film, it dawned on me....if Ben's a ghost....why does he have to move branches out of his path, walk around trees, and sit on rocks? Any answers are welcome.

oscar chat

What follows is a transcript of predictions for the 69th Annual Academy Awards. The two speakers are myself and Jason Victor. The transcript is only slightly edited.

Flmfrk: hello
Flmfrk: hooray
OscarBug: Okay Lets get this show on the road. .you want to do the intro.?
Flmfrk: okay let's get started
Flmfrk: sure I'll do the intro.
Flmfrk: hellllooooo readers
Flmfrk: welcome to the first annual "siskel & ebert-type" Oscar previews
Flmfrk: what you're reading is a transcript of an online conversation between
Flmfrk: Joel Fenster (Flmfrk) and Jason Victor (OscarBug)
OscarBug: Helloooooo
Flmfrk: hopefully I'll remember to save this and you'll actually be reading it
Flmfrk: that's hopefully
OscarBug: Don't worry I'm making periodic back ups as we type
Flmfrk: So Jason....do you wanna start with the crap categories
OscarBug: Sure. . .let's start with the big ones. .or better known as the Top 5
OscarBug: They are: Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor/Actress
Flmfrk: I meant crap as in shorts, documentaries, and foreign...but this year
Flmfrk: the top five are also crap
OscarBug: OOPS. .my mistake. .sorry :)
Flmfrk: Supporting Actress nominees are
Flmfrk: Joan Allen for The Crucible
Flmfrk: Lauren Bacall for The Mirror Has Two Noses
Flmfrk: Juliette Binoche for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Barbara Hershey for Portrait of A Lady
Flmfrk: and Marianne Jean-Baptiste for Secrets and Lies
OscarBug: Let me start by digressing
Flmfrk: I've seen one of these films
Flmfrk: digress away
OscarBug: I think we should make it clear that although we may not have seen al the films
OscarBug: that does not prevent us from having a good opinion about them
Flmfrk: true true
OscarBug: Well I'm going to jump out of the gate and say clearly Bacall has it in the bag
Flmfrk: Personally...I've always loved Bacall so she should win before she croaks
OscarBug: I mean really, she's never won, Hollywood Loves her and she needs her due
OscarBug: Hollywood always gives it to the "Elder" statesman. Look at Geraldine Paige or
Flmfrk: The others I could care less about....I saw Secrets And Lies and felt that
OscarBug: Jessica Tandy
Flmfrk: Ms. Jean-Baptiste was good, but nothing special
OscarBug: So we are in actual agreement on this one eh?
Flmfrk: Apparently so....any comments on the others....any omissions, or move along
OscarBug: I think everyone knows she is going to win. I mean I'd still give Bacall one for the
OscarBug: "Big Sleep"
Flmfrk: what about Key Largo
OscarBug: I'm just glad that English patient wont be getting this one
Flmfrk: Let's hope
OscarBug: Lol. . okay let move on?
Flmfrk: Supporting Actor nominees are
Flmfrk: Cuba Gooding Jr. for Jerry Maguire
Flmfrk: William H. Macy for Fargo
Flmfrk: Armin Mueller-Stahl for Shine
Flmfrk: Edward Norton for Primal Fear
Flmfrk: and James Woods for Ghosts Of Mississippi
Flmfrk: Why is Macy here when he had more screen time than
Flmfrk: Frances McDormand in this film and she got lead actress
OscarBug: The probably thought he had a better chance. .they were wrong!
Flmfrk: Really...who wins here
OscarBug: I think while this is a close call between Gooding and Norton
OscarBug: Norton has already won a few awards as have Gooding. .. Thought they may split it
Flmfrk: Close call...try Gooding all the way...Norton was better in the film he wasn't nominated for
OscarBug: I know and that is why he may still have a chance. But I'll agree that Gooding should get it
Flmfrk: And what is James Woods (who looked like a walking condom) doing here
Flmfrk: (no I haven't seen the film, but who cares)
Flmfrk: Usually, I can think of dozens of people who should have been in this category
Flmfrk: but aren't....this year I can think of two
OscarBug: Gooding though really gave Nuanced performance, Really tender stuff
Flmfrk: And that's why he should get it
OscarBug: He was real without seeming preachy
Flmfrk: show him the Oscar!!!
OscarBug: Wow I can't believe we are two for two. I hope this doesn't last ;)
Flmfrk: it won't
OscarBug: But you have to admit that Norton did give a great performance in Primal Fear
Flmfrk: Didn't see it
Flmfrk: Rather didn't see the whole thing
OscarBug: Well then you (and all of your readers out there) Should. Plus it has Frances McDormand
Flmfrk: This is fun.....shall we move on?
OscarBug: Ah Yup
Flmfrk: Best Actress nominees are
Flmfrk: Brenda Blethyn for Secrets And Lies
Flmfrk: Diane Keaton for Marvin's Room
Flmfrk: Frances McDormand for Fargo
OscarBug: yea
Flmfrk: Kristin Scott Thomas for The English patient
OscarBug: boo
Flmfrk: Emily Watson for Breaking The Waves
Flmfrk: What Boo? Did you see English Patient?
OscarBug: You know if I knew all you had to do was have a private conversation with God to get a Nom?
Flmfrk: Ouch!
OscarBug: I'd have done it long ago. . .uh no I didn't see English Patient.
Flmfrk: Well...we apparently agree again. McDormand all the way
OscarBug: Yea. .that is really all anybody is talking about. She won
Flmfrk: Brenda Blethyn only reminded me of a weepy Jennifer Tilly with a cockney accent
OscarBug: NY Critics, SAG, and many many others
OscarBug: And we all just Love any of the Tilly women for their acting ability
OscarBug: I think I see your point
Flmfrk: Hey...you didn't see Bound....she should have been nominated
OscarBug: For what Indecent Exposure. .oh well all right I'll take your word for it
Flmfrk: just for the lesbian sex scene alone
OscarBug: Hey if that's all you need, I've a few Swedish movies to show you
Flmfrk: been there, done that
OscarBug: But again we digress
Flmfrk: Anyway...the nominees for Best Actor are
Flmfrk: Tom Cruise for Jerry Maguire
Flmfrk: Ralph Fiennes for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Woody Harrelson for The People Vs. Larry Flynt
Flmfrk: Geoffrey Rush for Shine
Flmfrk: and Billy Bob Thornton for Sling Blade
OscarBug: Having Just seen "Sling Blade" I can say "WOW" he just might have it
Flmfrk: I wanna see this
Flmfrk: without having seen it...we'll Cruise all the way
OscarBug: But voting for a guy like him (a convicted killer (twice)) makes it hard
OscarBug: I like Cruise as well but he won't win
Flmfrk: something about his performance touched me...why won't he win
Flmfrk: I think he's paid his dues
Flmfrk: and he's a POPULAR HOLLYWOOD ACTOR...isn't this a HOLLYWOOD
Flmfrk: AWARDS SHOW
OscarBug: He's too liked. . .Like Speilberg Was. People are going to think it was a fluke
OscarBug: Yea but he's too Hollywood. . I think Rush is going to get it
Flmfrk: a fluke....Costner directing one film, winning Best Director, and not directing again
Flmfrk: for a few years is a fluke
Flmfrk: While Cruise is my personal pick....Rush will most likely win
Flmfrk: Which makes us 5 for 5
OscarBug: I agree Cruise really won me over as well? Okay now to Picture eh? The biggies
OscarBug: Or should we wait till the end ?
Flmfrk: Now more importantly....why wasn't Bill Murray nominated for Larger Than Life
OscarBug: Oh you rascal you ?
Flmfrk: Do you know how hard it is to act with an elephant?
Flmfrk: Best Picture nominees are
OscarBug: No wait. .
Flmfrk: okay
OscarBug: We have to make them sit through all the unbearable awards to tantalize them
OscarBug: We just can't blurt it out. . lets do director?
Flmfrk: good point....the nominees for best achievement in art direction are
OscarBug: Good job :)
Flmfrk: Birdcage....English Patient...Evita...Hamlet....and
Flmfrk: William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet
OscarBug: R&J all the Way man. .That was Soo Bitch'n
Flmfrk: Let's cross out the first and last....they're both just Miami movies
OscarBug: But I guess Evita will win it
Flmfrk: Hamlet or Evita....my picks
OscarBug: Hey you got a prob. with Miami. .we'll table that for another time
OscarBug: Yea. ..Evita then.
Flmfrk: no prob. with Miami....just there's no originality in shooting a movie there...
OscarBug: Okay then lets move to Costumes?
Flmfrk: did they have to "dress" sets...no they just point and shoot
Flmfrk: Costume Nominees are...
Flmfrk: Angels & Insects...Emma...English Patient...Hamlet...Portrait Of A Lady
Flmfrk: Hamlet's my pick
OscarBug: Shall we say Hamlet or do you think Portrait has a chance?
Flmfrk: Portrait's got no chance....I tried watching this and turned it off after 15 minutes
OscarBug: Is that good or Bad?
Flmfrk: there's a reason it made less than $1 million at the box office
Flmfrk: Stinkeroonie
OscarBug: You mean it wasn't a feminist backlash? like with Flynt?
Flmfrk: The nominees for cinematography are...
OscarBug: oh boy oh boy
Flmfrk: The English Patient...Evita...Fargo...Fly Away Home (huh)....and Michael Collins
Flmfrk: My pick's Evita...but English Patient will win
Flmfrk: Evita was top notch in all technical categories and deserves them all
OscarBug: I'm going to Have to Agree with you (gosh I'm tired of all this agreeing)
Flmfrk: well I'm not tired of agreeing (there we've disagreed)
OscarBug: But everyone is calling English Patient the next "Lawrence of Arabia"
Flmfrk: That's funny....Dances With Wolves was the last Lawrence Of Arabia
Flmfrk: Best Director?
OscarBug: Please do. . . .
Flmfrk: Anthony Minghella for The English Patient
Flmfrk: Joel Coen for Fargo
OscarBug: Yea
Flmfrk: Milos Forman for The People Vs. Larry Flynt
OscarBug: Sorta yea
Flmfrk: Mike Leigh for Secrets And Lies
OscarBug: eh eh
Flmfrk: Scott Hicks for Shine
OscarBug: okay
Flmfrk: Fargo was not Coen's best film so I hope he doesn't win just for that
Flmfrk: I like Forman a lot.....
OscarBug: He will win for Best Screenplay and Anthony will win though
Flmfrk: The first half of Secrets and Lies was boring and felt like a made for British TV movie
Flmfrk: I can agree with Anthony Minghella winning
OscarBug: That's because they didn't have a story then
Flmfrk: Best Documentary Feature?
OscarBug: Sure. .I've seen almost none (actually all of the none)
Flmfrk: I saw one....
Flmfrk: When We Were King.....the Muhammad Ali film
Flmfrk: It was great and will win.
Flmfrk: Best Documentary Short?
OscarBug: I have to agree. .
OscarBug: About the Short. .let's digress a moment
Flmfrk: sure....digress away
OscarBug: I just have to point out that the likely contender is a Failed Pilot
OscarBug: DreamWorks SKG, made a TV show (with Bebe Neuworth) Couldn't sell it and so entered
OscarBug: it to the Academy. Boy wasn't that special?
OscarBug: It's believed that it will win
OscarBug: okay I'm done
Flmfrk: That's Live Action Short...you're jumping ahead...and I agree
OscarBug: Ooops. .I guess I can't read either?
OscarBug: I'll cut that out and paste it in the right place later
Flmfrk: Documentary Short will go to either the Imax film Special Effects or The Wild Bunch
Flmfrk: no...leave it...it works in context
OscarBug: I'll go for Imax
OscarBug: That's waaayyy cooolll
Flmfrk: I'll go for Peckinpah...there we've officially disagreed
OscarBug: FX FX FX FX FX I WANT MY FX
Flmfrk: Film Editing nominees are....
OscarBug: and no I'm not talking about Fox
Flmfrk: English Patient...Evita...Fargo...Jerry Maguire...Shine
OscarBug: OH well. ..editing will go to Fargo
Flmfrk: Again Evita's my pick...but watch it go to Fargo
OscarBug: Fargo was better paced and thought out, plus it was done under pseudonyms
Flmfrk: Evita should get it just because of the way the music and picture were used
Flmfrk: in conjunction with each other
Flmfrk: Pseudonyms are not a reason to win
OscarBug: If you say so. . . no but pretty darn funny don't you think?
Flmfrk: Evita was better paced and thought out...they had to edit to music
OscarBug: Yea but there was no sync sound how hard is it edit a 2 hour music video?
Flmfrk: and did a damn good job as well...but it'll lose to Fargo (which I'll say again...
Flmfrk: isn't the Coen Brother's best film)
Flmfrk: Foreign Film?
OscarBug: 'ell if I know?
Flmfrk: Who gives a rat's ass?
OscarBug: Moving right along?
Flmfrk: Make-Up nominees are....
OscarBug: DON KING!!
OscarBug: Whoops
Flmfrk: Ghosts Of Mississippi (that's good make-up?)
Flmfrk: The Nutty Professor (winner)
OscarBug: yea (sigh)
Flmfrk: Star Trek: First Contact (should win just cause it'd be cool)
OscarBug: The Queenie was pretty cool, along with the other BORG!
Flmfrk: Best Achievement in Music (Original Musical or Comedy Score)
Flmfrk: nominees are....
Flmfrk: Emma by Rachel Portman
Flmfrk: First Wives Club by Marc Shaiman
Flmfrk: Hunchback Of Notre Dame by Alan Menkin and Stephen Schwartz
Flmfrk: James & Giant Peach by Randy Newman
Flmfrk: and Preacher's Wife by Hans Zimmer
OscarBug: First Wives Club deserves something ,. .why not this? But Hunchback will win
OscarBug: But James was rather good too
Flmfrk: This is a race between Hunchback and James and Hunchback HAD BETTER Win since it wasn't
Flmfrk: nominated for Best Song and is (in my opinion) the best Disney score yet
OscarBug: I have to say (again digressing) that Disney is best with it's villains songs
Flmfrk: Best Achievement in Music (Original Dramatic Score) nominees...
OscarBug: The Judges number was great, and remember Scar's Song. .Villains get the coolest songs
Flmfrk: English Patient by Gabriel Yarad
Flmfrk: Yes villains get the coolest songs....just look at Cruella DeVille
OscarBug: but you were saying...
Flmfrk: sorry I got interrupted....
Flmfrk: Hamlet by Patrick Doyle
Flmfrk: Michael Collins by Elliot Goldenthal
Flmfrk: Shine by David Hirshfelder
Flmfrk: Sleepers by John Williams
OscarBug: Shine will win this, Sleepers????!?!?!?!?oh poor john Williams?
Flmfrk: Personally...I don't care who wins this one....
Flmfrk: Best Song nominees
OscarBug: Well then How about FX FX FX FX FX
OscarBug: Drat. .oh well go on
Flmfrk: Because You Loved Me from Up Close & Personal
OscarBug: No WAY!!!!! AWFULL
Flmfrk: For The First Time from One Fine Day
Flmfrk: I Finally Found Someone from Mirror Has Two Noses
Flmfrk: That Thing You Do from That Thing You Do
Flmfrk: You Must Love Me from Evita (my pick)
OscarBug: I have to say that any song you can listen to for 90min and till tap
OscarBug: has got to be worth something so I'm going for "That Thing you do"
OscarBug: You Must Love me is not only Madonna's Anthem but her stab at being Babs Striesand
Flmfrk: Barf....Image Entertainment has that on their hold music...it makes me wanna barf
OscarBug: Well Barf away from me 'cause it's going to win
Flmfrk: Yeah...but You Must Love me is from a great musical and fits in seamlessly after twenty year
OscarBug: Yea its the only song that doesn't have "Don't Cry for me Argentina" refrain in it
OscarBug: Moving Right along?
Flmfrk: Digressing...did you see the SNL sketch this weekend
OscarBug: no?
Flmfrk: It was funny.
Flmfrk: Best Short Animated film?
Flmfrk: Who cares?
Flmfrk: Best Short Live Action Film?
OscarBug: If Wallace and grommet aren't in it who cares
Flmfrk: We covered that previously by mistake.
Flmfrk: Best Sound
OscarBug: FX FX FX FX
OscarBug: SFX SFX
Flmfrk: The English Patient....Evita....ID4....Rock....Twister
OscarBug: TWISTER. .the only good things was THAT DAMM COW
OscarBug: Give it to them for that
Flmfrk: My pick's Evita....but it'll probably go to Twister and that damn cow
Flmfrk: Best Sound Effects Editing?
OscarBug: Ghost and the Darkness. . .AS IF!!!! ID4 All the way
Flmfrk: ID4 wasn't nominated
Flmfrk: Daylight...Eraser....Ghost & Darkness
OscarBug: OOPS. ..well it should have been :?. Maybe G&D should get it then?
Flmfrk: Just saw Daylight (insert jokes here)....that's my pick...but G&D will win
Flmfrk: Best Visual Effects....now go for it
OscarBug: ID4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Flmfrk: Dragonheart....ID4...Twister
OscarBug: Any one that can not only blow up the White House but use over
Flmfrk: I'll agree...but Twister's gonna win
OscarBug: 20 Different FX houses should deserve something
Flmfrk: Best Original Screenplay
OscarBug: FARGO, maybe Lone Star
OscarBug: Whoops am doing this too fast?
Flmfrk: No....I keep getting e-mail...I'm holding two conversations at once....
OscarBug: Naughty Boy. . .You should be paying full attention here
Flmfrk: it's rude...I'm sorry...but this stranger has been e-mailing me and I'm intrigued to see
Flmfrk: where it might go.
OscarBug: I gotta go to work tomorrow. .let's kick this into high gear
OscarBug: Hey this isn't Ricky Lake?!
Flmfrk: Anyway....nominees are Fargo...Jerry Maguire...Lone Star...Shine
Flmfrk: and Secrets And Lies
Flmfrk: Fargo wins only if it don't pick up anything else
OscarBug: Fargo. .but Jerry and Lone Star have a chance
Flmfrk: Maguire or Lone Star should get it
Flmfrk: Best Adapted Screenplay
OscarBug: Adapted Screenplay? Shakespeare Anyone?
Flmfrk: Crucible...English Patient...Hamlet....Sling Blade...Trainspotting
OscarBug: Naw he's not good enough for Hollywood
OscarBug: Trainspotting or Patient?
Flmfrk: Haven't seen any of these...but Sling Blade gets my pick
Flmfrk: Trainspotting was too icky
Flmfrk: Trainspotting was also too foreign...I've never seen an English language
Flmfrk: film that NEEDED subtitles like this one
Flmfrk: Well we're there.
Flmfrk: It's time for Best Picture
OscarBug: Okay BEST PICTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OscarBug: ,
OscarBug: .
OscarBug: ..
OscarBug: ::Waiting::::
Flmfrk: Sorry.....
OscarBug: Aahhh. .much better
OscarBug: Where were we?
Flmfrk: English Patient...Fargo.....Jerry Maguire....Secrets And Lies...Shine
Flmfrk: Patience is a virtue....but Jerry's my friend
OscarBug: Okay I'd love to see Fargo win it, but it won't. Hell I'd even like Jerry,
OscarBug: But yea English Patient will take this away. .how very very disturbing eh?
OscarBug: Maybe Shine and Patient will split it and Fargo will win?
Flmfrk: Possible...but don't count on it....
OscarBug: It's something to hope for? :(.
Flmfrk: I'm rooting for Jerry
Flmfrk: Did we cover anything?
Flmfrk: I mean everything?
OscarBug: nothing and everything. ..a little of this a little of that
OscarBug: With a schmere on the side?
OscarBug: I hope we have entertained as well as educated (yea right)?
Flmfrk: Yuuummmmm...schmere
Flmfrk: Well at least everyone knows that I'm being stalked by some psycho on line
Flmfrk: Actually she seems really nice
OscarBug: I'm hungry too. .I think it time for some Pre-Oscar Food?
Flmfrk: Pre-Oscar food? Aren't you a few days early?
OscarBug: don't want it to get stale?
OscarBug: Oh well. ..shall we end this. ..we need a catchy ending. ..like Siskle and Ebert?
Flmfrk: Sure let's end this on a high note
Flmfrk: LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Flmfrk: or better yet.....
OscarBug: gee and I was going to say c-sharp?! -- go figure ;]
Flmfrk: C is for Cookie and we'll be c-ing you at the movies
OscarBug: Oh that is so bad :--(
Flmfrk: can you tell I'm a bit giddy?
Flmfrk: I can do worse
OscarBug: Well Till next year save your Chocolate Oscars for Us
Flmfrk: MMMMMM....Chocolate Oscars
OscarBug: And we'll be singing youuuuuu
OscarBug: Okay say goodnight Joel
Flmfrk: Goodnight Gracie
OscarBug: Thanks folks. .Cya
Flmfrk: Th....th....that's all folks
OscarBug: that's a wrap
OscarBug: Whew. .boy are my fingers tired
Flmfrk: are we gonna fight over who gets the last word?
OscarBug: you can have it
Flmfrk: I don't want it
OscarBug: Fine. ..I'll take it
Flmfrk: go for it
OscarBug: Bye Folks! and Have a pleasant Tomorrow

berating that empire again

Perhaps by now some of you might have had the chance to see the trailer for this summer's Batman And Robin. If you have, you know how "cool" the movie "looks" and how sucky the movie looks. The former is about the look of the film (costumes, sets, backgrounds), the latter is the plot. What schmuck decided to cram Batman, Robin, Batgirl, Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane (all as major characters) with Alfred, Commissioner Gordon, Bruce Wayne's latest girlfriend, Dr. Jason Woodrue, Mr. Freeze's wife, and Mr. Freeze's girlfriend? Is there any room for plot? And what the hell are Freeze and Ivy doing together to begin with? Talk about two characters with two completely separate agendas! It's time for the people at Warner to have their heads examined. Fire Joel Schumacher......that's the only way to put this train back on the right track. The first two films had their own problems, but they seem insignificant to what Schumacher's mangled for his two films....make that three films. Look for Batman 5 (to be titled later....my suggestion....Batman Sucks) in the summer of 1999...directed by Schumacher....with Clooney as Batman.....O'Donnell as Robin.....Mel Gibson as the Mad Hatter......Jenny McCarthy as Harley Quinn.....and either Howard Stern or Michael J. Fox (depending on the rumor) as the Scarecrow. God help us all.

bond trading

Well folks....it's got a title....the 18th James Bond film will be called Tomorrow Never Dies. Pierce Brosnan returns as agent 007 teams up with a Hong Kong cop (Michelle Kahn of Supercop) and tries to stop a mega-million media mogul from destroying the world (specifically Hong Kong before it goes back to the Chinese). Jonathan Pryce plays the villain. Samantha Bond returns as Miss Moneypenny, Dame Judy Dench returns as M, and in the put-the-old-horse-out-of-its-misery-department....Desmond Llewelyn returns as Q (hopefully director Roger Spottiswood will get Llewelyn to not look at cue cards). Look for it at Christmastime. BTW Brosnan will only be doing one or two more Bond films after this. His initial contract was for three films, with an option on the fourth and he's publicly stated that he will fulfill his contract and then leave the role.

the end of the world as we know it

Well we've reached the end of another episode...Next month...the issue shows up sometime in the month again.....a comparison of dueling volcano films (even though one's gone already).....more on Crash....the second part to the laser article from January.....a DVD update....my Professional Wrestling article....and other stuff that's been brewing for quite some time.


Be seeing you

Joel