It’s that time of year again. So without the usual rigmarole of an intro…let’s cut to the chase…
Worst 5 Films of 2004
05) Any Movie That Tried to Change The Course of the Presidential Election – Thanks to several 24 hour a day news channels and enough talking heads blowing enough hot toxic air to deplete the ozone layer several times over, the idea of having any movie try to cram a propagandistic message down my throat disgusts me. I tried to be as objective as possible and actually sat through almost every one of these shlocky, partisan hack pieces. Regardless of any inherent entertainment value, manipulation of the facts and creating your own spin zone does not a good movie make. The upside to having all this shit out there was the rise in number of documentaries seen…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
04) The Stepford Wives – I love when good movies get bad remakes. A comedic twist on this classic tale wasn’t a bad idea. It was just executed badly. There are at least a dozen remakes scheduled for 2005 release. It will take a lot for any of them to be as bad as this one.
03) Welcome to Mooseport – On TV everybody may love Raymond, but in the movies, unless he’s doing the voice of an animated character, we’ve learned to hate Raymond. The casting of this one note comedian turned a slightly funny film into a tiresome bore.
02) Connie & Carla – Ugh. All I can say at this point is ugh. Someone remind David Duchovny that his bread is buttered by Chris Carter and get both men off their asses for a second movie from “The X-Files”…even if it’s mired in whatever’s left of the conspiracy stories it’d be a bazillion times better than this derivative piece of crap.
01) Shrek 2 – I’m pretty sure that a “kid’s” film has hit the top of this list for the last few years. Why am I harder on this type of film? I think there’s more at stake as children are so impressionable and we have a tendency to just plop them down without them having any context. The wonderful messages of the first film are obliterated by the over indulgence of “pop culture” references and fart jokes. Whatever story there is exists only to string this crap together. Unfortunately, we’re going to get two more of these films. I’d expect them to also wind up on the worst list of the years of their respective releases…but I’m gonna do my best not to see them (even if the kid wants to).
Best 25 Films of 2004
25) The Punisher – Comic book adaptations had a really good year in 2004. This one, while a lesser one, was no exception. The gritty “reality” of the one man death machine worked pretty well…even if it offered a very bleak message. The over-the-top and silly ending is what kept it from getting higher on the list.
24) Mean Girls – This Tina Fey written Lindsey Lohan starring vehicle is a modern version of “Heathers” without the “crossing the line to the dark side” aspects. This will be the last good Lohan film before we all got burned out on hearing her name.
23) Troy – It’s an epic-less epic. Somehow the massiveness this story should have gets lost into a well told character-driven film…and yet it still ran an epic length (and almost felt it). This story will be told again and maybe then they’ll get it 100% right. As this one stands it’s about 85% there.
22) The Terminal – Spielberg stays away from his action roots to bring us a wonderfully schmaltzy heart warming piece starring the versatile Tom Hanks. Both men have done better and worse.
21) Dodgeball – While most comedies seem to be deploying the same fart jokes over and over these days, this one offers plenty of opportunity for crotch shot jokes. Luckily, they’ve been wrapped in a delightful underdog story that utilizes the “ultimate” in human degradation sports (at least, I’m pretty sure that was the purpose when we played it in high school).
20) The Bourne Supremacy – Matt Damon proves why he’s a better actor than Ben Affleck once again. He can not only pull off being an action hero, he can do it in a sequel as well. I know some loved the car chase at the film’s climax, but I thought it went a bit over the top and wound being unbelievable. It didn’t ruin the film…it only kept it from being higher on my list.
19) Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle – A silly title gets us a very funny “stoner” film minus Cheech & Chong. Worth seeing just for the Doogie Houser jokes.
18) Eurotrip – funnier than it has any right to be, this teen sex comedy actually re-energized my belief that this genre could still work. And that damn song is still rattling around in my head…Scotty doesn’t know…Scotty doesn’t know…Scotty does know.
17) Team America: World Police – The creators of “South Park” skewer celebrities and politicians…only they could have used one more script re-write. The film’s funny…but should have been much funnier.
16) Dawn of the Dead – I fully expected to HATE this film. George Romero’s one of my favorite directors and I never like seeing films of his be remade for a cheap dollar. Surprisingly, they didn’t fuck it up and instead of trying to do it for money (I know…the whole idea of a remake…and the movie industry in general kind of goes against that last statement); they just did it for fun. It’s not a horror film by any means and does the action film genre a service by crossing it into horror every now and then.
15) Hellboy – The second comic book film of the year on this list is a wonderful blend of action, comedy, horror and to a lesser extent romance. It was nice to see that we can have a fictional character walking around who is made out of latex and doesn’t look like it. This film needs a sequel now.
14) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – It’s the best of the three films so far. The only reason it actually ranks lower on my list this year is because there were better films this year than during the years the previous entries came out.
13) Saved – This funny look at life in a Catholic school proved that the hierarchy that exists within high school societies isn’t exclusive to public schools and anyone who thinks schools like this are above it all is wrong.
12) Garden State – Surprisingly, the star of TV’s “Scrubs” can also write and direct as well as he acts (which he proves here again).
11) Badassss – A wonderful love letter from a son (Mario van Peebles) to a father (Melvin van Peebles). This film about filmmaking is a great look into the mind of a man and the way independent films were made back when they truly were independent.
10) Super Size Me – Sure, common sense tells us that eating fast food every day for every meal for a month is bad for us…now we have a visual record in case we forget. Not only will it make you think twice, it’ll make you remember every time you step into a fast food restaurant that if you need to be there you should be making better choices.
09) The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou – Bill Murray does a better acting job in a better film than he was acclaimed for last year. A wonderful life that should be seen by everyone.
08) Spider-Man 2 – A comic book movie once again proves that it can transcend its origins. The plot that’s been grafted onto the action scenes serves them all better. Is it the best comic book movie ever made? It’s pretty damn close.
07) Shaun of the Dead – Bringing back the Romero zombie (you know…the slow lurking ones…as opposed to the more modern speedy ones) was nice, but the stroke of brilliance was making fun of them.
06) Sideways – The further from this film I get, the less I like it (it did start as number three on my list). What keeps this film from falling any lower is the acting job by Paul Giamatti. The story is nice, but nothing special…it’s watching him…every moment he’s on screen (which is pretty much all of this) that keeps you riveted. There’s never a false moment.
05) The Aviator – This is how good Martin Scorsese is as a film maker. Even when he’s not at his best, he still ranks high. It’s a long film, but it’s a damn good one.
04) Control Room – This amazing documentary takes a good long look at the controversial news network Al-Jazeera. These guys are walking a very fine line between real news organization and propaganda….just like all of “our” news channels. But unlike, “our” news, these guys do the best they can in a tough situation (they’re hated by the West for doing things one way and hated by the Arabs for doing things the other) and this film shows the nice balance they’ve struck.
03) The Incredibles – Pixar hits another one out of the park. The best comic book film of the year and it wasn’t even based on a comic book (but easily could have been).
02) Kill Bill Volume 2 – Okay…so Volume 1 surprisingly made my Best of 2003 list when it was rather clear that I hated it (it wound up at 24…which says a lot about 2003 as a year). This film made up for anything I hates about the first. Not only did Tarantino make a completely different film (at the same time), you’ll finally realize why Volume 1 had to be the way it was. David Carradine is the Best Supporting Actor of 2004…regardless of what goes down at the Oscars next month.
01) Finding Neverland – As I said…”Peter Pan” is one of my favorite stories…and this film made me cry…and not like “shed-one-tear-after-my-eyes-water-up” crying, but “I need to hug my wife because I love her” crying…just see it…
Anyway…that’s all for today…I’ll be back again soon with some reviews…the usual stuff…but I’ll be switching the focus for a bit to comic book related stuff for a few issues over the next month…just because…
Be seeing you
Spleenless Joel
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