The subject of today’s missive is toys…particularly small action figures type toys (as I’m currently packing a few away until their new home is ready)…so those of you with no interest…see ya next time…

If you’re still around…

There’s an amazing array of block-type mini figures that have been hitting the market over the last two years and I’m going to take a look at a few of them today.

The block figure craze can be traced back to Lego and Playmobil as both companies have had small figures in the market (with various types of playsets) for a long time. The Japanese took the concept of the Lego figure and started applying it to licensed properties. Called “Kubricks” (I’m unsure why), they stand about 2 ½ inches tall and have some removable parts that suggest some interchangability, but in practice the concept is kind of limited.

Medicom, the company that makes most of the Kubricks, has picked up numerous licenses over the years and have produced mini-figures from things like “Reservoir Dogs”, “The Great Escape”, “Planet of the Apes”, “The Matrix”, “Star Wars”, “TRON”, “The Muppets”, “Minority Report”, “Back to the Future”, “Alien” and various animated Disney films. They’re all cute figures with about 8 points of articulation (legs, waist, wrists, shoulders and neck). Unfortunately, they are expensive as they need to be imported. On top of that, some of the lines come in box sets (so you can get all “The Usual Suspects” in one shot) and others come individually boxed in mystery packages. You can buy a box containing one figure from “The Matrix” but you won’t know who it is until you open it. And some figures in these lines are rarer than others. In fact, some aren’t even pictured as being part of the line and are extremely hard to find (like the Keymaker from “The Matrix” series…he had a pack-in ratio of 1 in every 96). This can make the pursuit of a complete line rather expensive.

While Kubricks have some cool line ups, the coolest right now are the two more “advanced” concepts.

Art Asylum has created their Mini-Mates line with 14 points of articulation (ankles, knees, legs, waist, wrists, elbows, shoulders and head). When the line started, they were 3 inches tall and the licenses included Bruce Lee, some Rock n Roll artists (KISS, Ozzy Osbourne and Iron Maiden to name three), “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”, “Dark Angel” and “Star Trek”. While all of these figures were really cool, Art Asylum wasn’t able to get too deep into any of these lines for a variety of reasons. When they picked up the Marvel Comics license, things really took off.

Marvel Mini-Mates contain the same 14 points of articulation as the rest, but they are only 2 inches tall (licensing issues that Marvel has elsewhere prevented using the larger size). But this size has allowed Art Asylum to package two figures together with a few accessories and so far we’ve gotten nine waves of 6 figures per wave. Unfortunately, in order to entice major retailers on board, there have been a plethora of variant Spider-Mans, Wolverines, Daredevils and Things. But we’ve also gotten a good number of cool characters in the process. There have also been a number of different Iron Man figures, each with a removable helmet and an extra hair piece for displaying Tony Stark with the helmet off. My favorite so far is Battle Damaged Captain America and his swollen eye.

Unfortunately, in order to get everyone who’s been released, that has involved getting doubles of others. The nice thing is that parts are swappable and with a bit of paint and other art supplies, you can customize the extras into new people (I’ve made a few very obscure characters like Rachel van Helsing and Quincy Harker from the old “Tomb of Dracula” comic as well as a couple of DC characters like The Question and Captain Atom from extra people and parts).

What would keep this line alive right now is a bit more breadth of the Marvel Universe. There are still a good number of major characters missing. Dr. Strange, Thor and a few other big name Avengers and the original X-Men lineup are all absent right now. And there is a distinct lack of villains. We’ve got Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus, Venom, Carnage, Kingpin, Bullseye, Chameleon, Dr. Doom, the Leader, Absorbing Man and Magneto and that’s all. While the “missing” heroes could easily be caught up in three waves, the villains will take much longer to get a better variety. Somewhere along the way most toy companies got faulty research that bad guys and females don’t sell. I don’t quite believe that as kids like to have villains to fight their heroes.

Art Asylum realized they had a hit on their hands and have started to branch this smaller Mini Mate into other licenses. The one that made the most sense to sit on a shelf along Marvel Comics was DC Comics. Unfortunately, in order to work around the fact that DC had been producing their own version of small figures (Pocket Heroes) Art Asylum had to come up with something else to offer the figures with. They invented a Lego-like construction set known as C3. These are really cool as they combine the small figure factor into a small playset environment. Unfortunately, the figures are the coolest things about these sets for the most part. The first wave of sets hit in late fall just in time for Christmas shopping and while the biggest and coolest is the Batcave, it’s plagued with structural problems (took me 4 hours to put together and I had to use some glue). The smaller sets that aren’t vehicles are a bit lackluster…the Chemical Warehouse and Darkseid’s Throne Room have the coolest figures (Batman & Joker and Superman & Darkseid respectively) but they’re not very interesting to look at. And like larger figure lines based on DC Comics characters, there’s an inordinate amount of Batman figures. Luckily, they’re not as horrid as some of Kenner’s day glo colored figures and at least make some sense based on the construction set they come with (I’m specifically thinking of Stealth Pilot Batman who comes with the Batwing).

Art Asylum has some neat workarounds planned to try and get more figures into the market place for DC. First up this year are their mini-flyers which give you a figure with a few blocks to create a small flying machine that’s themed to the character (we’re getting Flash, Nightwing, Riddler and Batgirl in addition to a new Batman & Superman in the first wave). And there are some larger “Batman” themed sets to revolve around the hype for the new movie in June…but the first wave didn’t do so hot at retail, so this line may not make it much further. Supposedly, Art Asylum is talking to DC about doing the figures without the construction sets in conjunction with the comic company’s toy arm since the Pocket Heroes did so badly (and yet have more variety than anything Art Asylum’s done yet…go figure).

The last major license that Art Asylum’s acquired for the Mini Mates is “Lord of the Rings” and they are using both scales of figures plus a new middle size to keep the various characters in scale. The hobbits and dwarves are in the 2 inch scale, the humans and elves are in the new 2 ½ inch scale and people like Sauron are the old 3 inch scale. So far there have been about 13 figures done with only two characters repeated (Frodo and Aragorn have variants, but they make sense).

Rumor has it that Art Asylum may re-release their “Star Trek” mini-mates in the smaller scales and as box sets in an attempt to put some life into their licensing agreement before it lapses.

Just before Christmas, Palisades Toys entered this arena with a new brand called “Palz”. These 2 ½ inch figures have the same articulation as Mini Mates, but have a crap load of accessories and some other neat features as well. The first license out the door is based on “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”. The first wave consisted of 6 individually sold figures (Buffy, Xander, Willow, Giles, Darla and the Master), one in case repaint (Darla) and two store exclusives (Angel via comic shops and Vampire Buffy via Wizard Magazine). Palisades plan is to base each wave on a season of the show, so all these figures resemble (in the cartoonishly cute block figure way) the looks of these characters during the show’s first season. The cool thing is that each figure comes with extra parts to transform them to a different look. Turn Darla’s head around and she’s now a vampire. You can do the same with Angel (who can be dressed in a number of different combos as well…with jacket, without jacket, shirt on, shirt off…most of the figures come with secondary outfits) and Vampire Buffy (regular Buffy just has a different expression on the flip side of her head).

A second series will arrive in April consisting of Buffy (she’ll be part of every wave), Spike, Drusilla, Oz, Cordelia and Jenny Calendar. Oz gets to be the in case repaint as well. Each figure will also come with a piece of the Judge, so you’ll get a seventh figure if you collect the whole wave. There will also be a few exclusives as well. Palisades Direct (the company’s online store) will be selling Kendra the Vampire Slayer (complete with Mr. Pointy) and a three pack of Monsters (this is the first of many Monster sets and includes Marcie Ross, Der Kindestod and the Annointed One – who is going to be scaled down to be the correct size). AFX, an online store, also has an exlcusive four pack of the main “Scoobies” (Buffy, Willow, Cordelia and Xander) to transform into Halloween costumes they wore during the show.

Before this second wave of “Buffy” appears we also get treated to a first wave of “The X-Files”. The first wave consists of 8 figures without the cool “transformation” feature, but plenty of accessories. Look for Mulder, Scully, Lone Gunman Frohike, Deep Throat, Conundrum (from the episode “Humbug”), Donnie Pfaster, a Gray Alien and the Flukeman (with a Port-O-Potty). There will be three in case variants as well…Demon Donnie Pfaster, Captured Scully (these were supposed to be a two pack exclusive, but that changed) and Man In Black Mulder (not from any specific episode, but a cool looking figure anyway). A second wave will arrive if this one’s successful (we’ve already seen workups of Agent Krycek and Marita Covarrubias).

And just announced from Palisades is another Palz line based on the “Die Hard” trilogy. The first wave looks like it will consist of two versions of everyone’s favorite cop John McClane, his estranged wife Holly Gennaro, Sergeant Al Powell, Hans Gruber and Karl. Can’t wait to see what these look like at Toy Fair in February.

So, here we are…another year…another update on the house…

But before we start, I’d like to plug the latest show I’m working on. “Epic Proportions” opened this Friday January 21 at the DAC Weatherstone in Darien. My good friend Dan Friedman is directing a great and talented cast. I’m running the sound for the show and Tash is back stage keeping the traffic flowing with Frank Gaffney.

The show is a comedy about the making of a Biblical epic in the Arizona desert in the 1930s. Being a Biblical epic the film must have a cast of thousands and we’ve got that…except they’re played by 4 people (there are 6 other parts in the show) with more costume changes than anyone should be allowed to do in 2 hours.

Anyway…it’s a fun night out and I’d recommend it to all of you in the area. Because of the snow we’ve added two performances to make up for two cancelled ones. We have three this coming weekend (8pm Friday and Saturday, 2pm on Sunday) and a final one on Friday February 4 at 8pm. If you reserve tickets in advance and pay by credit card, you’ll save money. Call 655-5414 for tickets.

As I sit here in the house writing this, I can hear the workmen maneuvering cabinets and appliances in the kitchen. After being in Napa for two weeks and coming home to the workmen being a week behind schedule, the dust has settled (mostly…and it’s about an inch thick) and the sheet rock’s up (all over the house) and the floors are down (well…in the kitchen at least). And now it’s like watching them put together a puzzle as they assemble the kitchen. I figure by week’s end it’ll be as done as it can be with what’s currently here (cabinets & appliances). Fixtures and electrical work will probably be smoothed out next week and hopefully by then we’ll have settled the counter top & back splash issue. Meaning all that will be left within three weeks is painting the walls and staining the floors. Woo Hoo!

Of course, to get that done in three weeks, they’re neglecting the rest of the project for a bit. The Master Bedroom/Bathroom suite still needs some work (the bathroom needs a lot of work…they’ve been ignoring it in order to get the kitchen done). And the front entryway has now become part of this monster project. We’ve got some new carpeting coming soon for the three rooms that were badly affected by the renovation (basement, den & master bedroom). And when all of this is done, we’ll need to redo a room for the baby (after what we’ve been through a newborn’s not gonna live in a room with old carpet that has G-d knows what in it).

So those of you asking about us traveling to your neck of the woods any time soon…we’ll be broke…so it’ll be a while…

Anyway…one of the things I’ve just started to realize now that there’s a baby on the way is that my desire to see certain movies when they open is pretty much a dead issue. As I was looking over the big movies that I’d have an interest in seeing and when they open (as I usually put them on the calendar), I quickly realized that there’s a very good chance that “Star Wars Episode III” will be the last film I get to see when it opens for quite some time (of course, I’m assuming I want to see it when it opens…right now I’m convinced it’s just a reaction to not being able to see other things and not any real desire to see what I know is going to be crap because George Lucas couldn’t tell a good story to save his life).

Take, for example, “Batman Begins”. It opens June 17. The baby’s due date is June 19. Anyone want to do the math on that one (although the idea of dragging Tash to see the film, assuming the baby hasn’t arrived yet, and having her give birth during it does kind of make me a bit giddy…in a perverse kind of way). And we’ve already had the “I’m not leaving a 2 week old with a sitter even if it’s your parents so we can see “Fantastic Four” discussion….so it’s become a matter of adjusting priorities…

Luckily, some of the theaters around here have “Movies for Moms”…so we can still get our fix…it just may be a bit later than I would have normally done…oh well…we make sacrifices and adjustments I suppose…

Anyway…today’s brief review is of “Battlestar Galactica”. This re-imagining currently airing on the Sci-Fi Channel picks up exactly where last year’s mini-series left off (and that’s available on DVD). We’ve had three new episodes and I have to say that not only does this show blow away the original version, it blows away most recent sci-fi shows and easily ranks up there with the best of them…yes it’s as good as “Babylon 5” and “Farscape” (which means even though it has amazing ratings and a great following look for Sci-Fi Channel to cancel it well before they should).

On a final note, today I’d like to toss out another opinion poll/question like I did right before the election…this one’s more important as far as I’m concerned and will no doubt produce many varied and passionate answers…but it’s not politically motivated, so any opinions and advice would be welcome.

What vacuum cleaner do you use and what do you like about it? (We’re in the market for a new one as our Orek to quote Bart Simpson “both sucks and blows” and the online research route I took for the new kitchen appliances is producing wild, varied and unhelpful results for vacuums).

That’s all for today. I’ll be back next time with more of the same boring crap that most of you just quickly peruse anyway ;-)

Be seeing you

Spleenless Joel

If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if you crossed “Network” with “Bridget Jones’ Diary” and the entire soundtrack to “Working Girl” (and I’m sure many of you haven’t), then you want to check out “Little Black Book”. This bland, formulaic and mostly predictable “romantic comedy” (and I use that term loosely) actually has a few interesting qualities about it. You’ll be sitting there wondering how two Oscar winning actresses wound up in something like this (Holly Hunter and Kathy Bates). And when you finally get to the scenes that will show what attracted these women to the film (it’s about an hour and fifteen minutes in), you’ll be wondering why the film wasn’t more like these scenes.

The generically boring Brittany Murphy (whose best work is as the voice of Luanne Platter on “King of the Hill”) stars as a young woman who wants to work with Diane Sawyer. She winds up working on a local TV daytime talk show in her attempt at “getting in”. At the same time she discovers her boyfriend (Ron Livingston) has an entire secret life that he’s been keeping from her. So she uses her resources at the show to find out more about him by interviewing his ex-girlfriends. Oh…and just so we’re clear…the “little black book” of the title is her boyfriend’s Palm Pilot (though I’m not really sure it’s that brand, they just keep referring to it as a Palm…kind of like Xerox or Band-Aid).

Anyway, while it was nice to hear many Carly Simon songs, by the time the film actually got to the big “Let the River Run” moment, we had passed the interesting part of the film and given up all hope that the creators would follow through. Why should they, the scenes before the interesting part showed no promise either.

“The Clearing” is a taught little slow boil thriller starring Robert Redford, Willem Dafoe and Helen Mirren. Dafoe stars as a mild mannered kidnapper who drags wealthy car rental king Redford onto a trip to a cabin to meet up with the guys who paid him. Meanwhile, wife Mirren tries to cope with her husband’s disappearance and possible ransom demands. This is one of the rare times where you look at the cast and go “that’s gonna be some movie” and it doesn’t disappoint. The hows and whys of what is really going on will keep you riveted to your seat and it’s all propelled by the actors taking good writing and making it better. This would have wound up on my Top 25 list of 2004 had I seen it in time. Not sure where.

Meanwhile, over on the boob tube…

NBC’s new sitcom “Committed” at first glance seemed like every other sitcom the network has tried to wedge in the slots between “Friends” and “Seinfeld”. But with those shows gone and the curse of that 8:30 Thursday slot somewhat diminished, this show actually has a bit of juice going for it (let’s say more than “Union Square” and maybe about as much as “The Single Guy”).

When neurotic Nate (Josh Cooke) and upbeat Marni (Jennifer Finnegan) meet it’s not quite love at first sight, yet there’s something that attracts them to each other. And it all starts off via a mistaken blind date (he was supposed to pick up someone at her building, she was meeting someone at her building…they got it wrong, but hit it off). Toss in an angry African-American record shop clerk, a disabled African-American cobbler, a semi-independent and reckless nanny and a dying clown who lives in Marni’s closet (he came with the lease and is played by Tom Poston) and you’ve got an interesting blend of the weird and the clichéd. We’ll see how it goes. Between her cell phone ring – it’s “Manah Manah” – and the clown’s ongoing pie fight via the postal service with an ex-roommate – played by Bob Newhart in a brief cameo – so far it makes me laugh.

One of my favorite TV writer/creators is Glenn Gordon Carron. I’ve loved both “Moonlighting” and “Now and Again” and have looked forward to what he would cook up next. So I was a bit surprised to discover just before the pilot was broadcast that “Medium” is actually his latest work. The advertising made it out to be a cross between “The Sixth Sense” and “CSI” and quite honestly I wasn’t very interested in watching that. But once I knew it was from the brain of Glenn Gordon Carron, I was going to watch. All I’ll say after one episode is that I’m interested in seeing where he takes this. His other two shows were genre defying and well written. I’m hoping this one will show those colors also. The pilot episode was well done and interesting…but we’ll see where he takes it.

There’s been a few interesting things going on with one of my other favorite TV writers, so I thought I’d share a bit.

J. Michael Straczynski, the creator of “Babylon 5”, has been writing for Marvel Comics for about 5 years now. He’s done some amazing work on “The Amazing Spider-Man” and it’s always fun to read his take on one of my favorite Marvel characters Doctor Strange. Since he started working at Marvel, JMS has put Strange into a number of issues of Spidey and commented on how he’d love to write a Strange comic…he even apparently did a film script for the good doctor that never got made.

Well…JMS finally got what he wanted, a chance at giving Doctor Strange a new lease on life…and while I’m going to reserve full judgment until this six issue miniseries is over, at the half-way point all I can say about “Strange” is “what was this man thinking??”

For those of you who don’t know his story…Stephen Strange is a top surgeon who’s just a bit full of himself. When he injures his hands in a drunk driving accident, he winds up on a quest to gain some insight into the petty and shallow life he’s been living. He winds up in Asia learning many things, mostly of the supernatural type, from a mystery man known only as The Ancient One and not only discovers what life is all about, but also about what lies beyond as he eventually inherits the titles of “Sorcerer Supreme” and “Master of the Mystic Arts”.

In interviews before the first issue’s release, JMS stated that Strange’s origins were heavily rooted in the 1960s (when Stan Lee and Steve Ditko created the character) and came very much out of the stage magic traditions of the time. JMS wanted to update him and make him more relevant. His handling of the character during appearances in “The Amazing Spider-Man” would lead one to believe he was on the right track…but this mini-series, so far, shows us that the track for re-inventing Stephen Strange runs parallel to “The Matrix”…so parallel that they may as well be the same story. Three issues in, I’m disappointed because there is no drunken car accident (it’s now a skiing accident) and Strange has become Neo in all but name (with The Ancient One essentially becomes Morpheus and Clea becoming Trinity). Yuck.

It’s just been revealed that JMS will be taking over Marvel’s flagship title, “Fantastic Four” this summer. Hopefully, he won’t fuck it up as bad. I don’t think Marvel would let him, mind you…Doctor Strange has always been a bit of a fringe book that seems to stop and start every 90 issues or so…”FF” has been going pretty strong since 1960 and is up to the mid 500s now.

The last bit of JMS news involves some rumors about the long awaited “Babylon 5” feature film. Supposedly, Warner Brothers is pushing to recast the characters with big name stars. While there isn’t a lot of info out there and JMS has been mysteriously quiet and cryptic, it looks like this may be true. More on it as the film develops. Personally, if not having Brad Pitt play Captain Sheridan (just to throw out a crazy notion) meant no movie, I’m happy for it.

What Warner should do is hold off on making any final decisions until October 2005. Then we can see just how successful a “thought-dead TV series” can be brought to the big screen with a no name cast in tact and the series creator at the helm (I’m talking about “Serenity”, the Joss Whedon written-directed movie version of his cancelled TV series “Firefly”…and all early reviews from test screenings, from fans and newcomers alike, seem to say the film kicks ass…can’t wait…it’s one of five films that I’ve already got a babysitter lined up for…more on that comment next time).

And lastly for today because I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned it before, I’m giving a big kudos to Fox Home Video for their upcoming release of “The X-Files” spin-off “The Lone Gunmen” on DVD. Arriving on March 29, this box set will include all 13 episodes of the show as well as “Jump the Shark” the Season 9 “The X-Files” episode that wrapped up any dangling plot lines from the show before it was abruptly cancelled. Most importantly, this set will include the unedited version of the pilot. For those of you who don’t know, care or are likely to get angered and incensed, the pilot episode of “The Lone Gunmen” which aired on March 4, 2001 featured a plot involving Byers trying to stop terrorists from flying an airplane into the World Trade Center. I’m sure that Fox is going to get flack for it from various groups (although it is a cancelled show that the general public won’t remember anyway), but editing or removing it entirely would be more of a disservice in my opinion.

Anyway…that’s all for today…I’ll be back next time with an update Fugue…the house, Tash & I, the baby and a few other things all wrapped up in one neat package…

Until then…be seeing you.

Spleenless Joel

Best & Worst of 2004

It’s that time of year again. So without the usual rigmarole of an intro…let’s cut to the chase…

Worst 5 Films of 2004

05) Any Movie That Tried to Change The Course of the Presidential Election – Thanks to several 24 hour a day news channels and enough talking heads blowing enough hot toxic air to deplete the ozone layer several times over, the idea of having any movie try to cram a propagandistic message down my throat disgusts me. I tried to be as objective as possible and actually sat through almost every one of these shlocky, partisan hack pieces. Regardless of any inherent entertainment value, manipulation of the facts and creating your own spin zone does not a good movie make. The upside to having all this shit out there was the rise in number of documentaries seen…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

04) The Stepford Wives – I love when good movies get bad remakes. A comedic twist on this classic tale wasn’t a bad idea. It was just executed badly. There are at least a dozen remakes scheduled for 2005 release. It will take a lot for any of them to be as bad as this one.

03) Welcome to Mooseport – On TV everybody may love Raymond, but in the movies, unless he’s doing the voice of an animated character, we’ve learned to hate Raymond. The casting of this one note comedian turned a slightly funny film into a tiresome bore.

02) Connie & Carla – Ugh. All I can say at this point is ugh. Someone remind David Duchovny that his bread is buttered by Chris Carter and get both men off their asses for a second movie from “The X-Files”…even if it’s mired in whatever’s left of the conspiracy stories it’d be a bazillion times better than this derivative piece of crap.

01) Shrek 2 – I’m pretty sure that a “kid’s” film has hit the top of this list for the last few years. Why am I harder on this type of film? I think there’s more at stake as children are so impressionable and we have a tendency to just plop them down without them having any context. The wonderful messages of the first film are obliterated by the over indulgence of “pop culture” references and fart jokes. Whatever story there is exists only to string this crap together. Unfortunately, we’re going to get two more of these films. I’d expect them to also wind up on the worst list of the years of their respective releases…but I’m gonna do my best not to see them (even if the kid wants to).

Best 25 Films of 2004

25) The Punisher – Comic book adaptations had a really good year in 2004. This one, while a lesser one, was no exception. The gritty “reality” of the one man death machine worked pretty well…even if it offered a very bleak message. The over-the-top and silly ending is what kept it from getting higher on the list.

24) Mean Girls – This Tina Fey written Lindsey Lohan starring vehicle is a modern version of “Heathers” without the “crossing the line to the dark side” aspects. This will be the last good Lohan film before we all got burned out on hearing her name.

23) Troy – It’s an epic-less epic. Somehow the massiveness this story should have gets lost into a well told character-driven film…and yet it still ran an epic length (and almost felt it). This story will be told again and maybe then they’ll get it 100% right. As this one stands it’s about 85% there.

22) The Terminal – Spielberg stays away from his action roots to bring us a wonderfully schmaltzy heart warming piece starring the versatile Tom Hanks. Both men have done better and worse.

21) Dodgeball – While most comedies seem to be deploying the same fart jokes over and over these days, this one offers plenty of opportunity for crotch shot jokes. Luckily, they’ve been wrapped in a delightful underdog story that utilizes the “ultimate” in human degradation sports (at least, I’m pretty sure that was the purpose when we played it in high school).

20) The Bourne Supremacy – Matt Damon proves why he’s a better actor than Ben Affleck once again. He can not only pull off being an action hero, he can do it in a sequel as well. I know some loved the car chase at the film’s climax, but I thought it went a bit over the top and wound being unbelievable. It didn’t ruin the film…it only kept it from being higher on my list.

19) Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle – A silly title gets us a very funny “stoner” film minus Cheech & Chong. Worth seeing just for the Doogie Houser jokes.

18) Eurotrip – funnier than it has any right to be, this teen sex comedy actually re-energized my belief that this genre could still work. And that damn song is still rattling around in my head…Scotty doesn’t know…Scotty doesn’t know…Scotty does know.

17) Team America: World Police – The creators of “South Park” skewer celebrities and politicians…only they could have used one more script re-write. The film’s funny…but should have been much funnier.

16) Dawn of the Dead – I fully expected to HATE this film. George Romero’s one of my favorite directors and I never like seeing films of his be remade for a cheap dollar. Surprisingly, they didn’t fuck it up and instead of trying to do it for money (I know…the whole idea of a remake…and the movie industry in general kind of goes against that last statement); they just did it for fun. It’s not a horror film by any means and does the action film genre a service by crossing it into horror every now and then.

15) Hellboy – The second comic book film of the year on this list is a wonderful blend of action, comedy, horror and to a lesser extent romance. It was nice to see that we can have a fictional character walking around who is made out of latex and doesn’t look like it. This film needs a sequel now.

14) Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – It’s the best of the three films so far. The only reason it actually ranks lower on my list this year is because there were better films this year than during the years the previous entries came out.

13) Saved – This funny look at life in a Catholic school proved that the hierarchy that exists within high school societies isn’t exclusive to public schools and anyone who thinks schools like this are above it all is wrong.

12) Garden State – Surprisingly, the star of TV’s “Scrubs” can also write and direct as well as he acts (which he proves here again).

11) Badassss – A wonderful love letter from a son (Mario van Peebles) to a father (Melvin van Peebles). This film about filmmaking is a great look into the mind of a man and the way independent films were made back when they truly were independent.

10) Super Size Me – Sure, common sense tells us that eating fast food every day for every meal for a month is bad for us…now we have a visual record in case we forget. Not only will it make you think twice, it’ll make you remember every time you step into a fast food restaurant that if you need to be there you should be making better choices.

09) The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou – Bill Murray does a better acting job in a better film than he was acclaimed for last year. A wonderful life that should be seen by everyone.

08) Spider-Man 2 – A comic book movie once again proves that it can transcend its origins. The plot that’s been grafted onto the action scenes serves them all better. Is it the best comic book movie ever made? It’s pretty damn close.

07) Shaun of the Dead – Bringing back the Romero zombie (you know…the slow lurking ones…as opposed to the more modern speedy ones) was nice, but the stroke of brilliance was making fun of them.

06) Sideways – The further from this film I get, the less I like it (it did start as number three on my list). What keeps this film from falling any lower is the acting job by Paul Giamatti. The story is nice, but nothing special…it’s watching him…every moment he’s on screen (which is pretty much all of this) that keeps you riveted. There’s never a false moment.

05) The Aviator – This is how good Martin Scorsese is as a film maker. Even when he’s not at his best, he still ranks high. It’s a long film, but it’s a damn good one.

04) Control Room – This amazing documentary takes a good long look at the controversial news network Al-Jazeera. These guys are walking a very fine line between real news organization and propaganda….just like all of “our” news channels. But unlike, “our” news, these guys do the best they can in a tough situation (they’re hated by the West for doing things one way and hated by the Arabs for doing things the other) and this film shows the nice balance they’ve struck.

03) The Incredibles – Pixar hits another one out of the park. The best comic book film of the year and it wasn’t even based on a comic book (but easily could have been).

02) Kill Bill Volume 2 – Okay…so Volume 1 surprisingly made my Best of 2003 list when it was rather clear that I hated it (it wound up at 24…which says a lot about 2003 as a year). This film made up for anything I hates about the first. Not only did Tarantino make a completely different film (at the same time), you’ll finally realize why Volume 1 had to be the way it was. David Carradine is the Best Supporting Actor of 2004…regardless of what goes down at the Oscars next month.

01) Finding Neverland – As I said…”Peter Pan” is one of my favorite stories…and this film made me cry…and not like “shed-one-tear-after-my-eyes-water-up” crying, but “I need to hug my wife because I love her” crying…just see it…

Anyway…that’s all for today…I’ll be back again soon with some reviews…the usual stuff…but I’ll be switching the focus for a bit to comic book related stuff for a few issues over the next month…just because…

Be seeing you

Spleenless Joel

The Napa Movie Marathon Conclusion

Remakes and sequels almost always tend to bring out the best in filmmaking when it comes to pure mediocrity. There’s little originality and a strong feeling of “been there, done that”. Occasionally we get one that’s obviously had blood, sweat and tears poured into its creation as it rises above the flotsam of this category. Unfortunately, Meet the Fockers is not one of those types of sequels.

This sequel to the funny, but hardly classic, Meet the Parents finds the strangely named Gaylord Focker (Ben Stiller in his “nebbish” mode…he only has two modes…this and “asshole”) and his fiancé Pam Byrnes (Teri Polo…who remains mostly scenery) gearing up for a weekend when Pam’s parents (returning Robert DeNiro and Blythe Danner) meet Gay’s parents (Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand). Toss in a return of Jinx the cat as well as a small yippy dog named Moses and a Byrnes’ grandchild named Jack Jr. whom grandpa is personally training for life and you’ve got the formula for hilarity.

Not.

The film is amusing at best and a mediocre retread of previously clichéd material at worst. It’s conservative versus liberal, W.A.S.P. versus Jews, Ben versus Bob all over again. And its yawn inducing. The film seems to exist for two reasons. First is the “look who we got to play his parents”. While Hoffman and Streisand may seem like inspired choices, they both look out of place (and I won’t get into the fact that they’re two Jewish actors playing what amount to Jewish stereotypes). Second are the inevitable double entendres and sex jokes that derive from the family surname. If there’s a saving grace, it’s that we’re well into the film before we hear of relatives named Dom Focker. The film goes to silly and predictable lengths as Greg and Pam try to hide the true nature of his parents from her parents while other bizarre bits come into play as if they’re repeating the plot of the first film at least in progression.

It’s worth a look-see if you found the first film funny…but I’ll admit this…this film has helped me decide where the original fits into my personal collection which I’m in the midst of pruning for various reasons. Anyone interested in a used copy of Meet the Parents? Stiller’s just been moved out of my circle of trust when it comes to funny comedies.

There’s no denying that Martin Scorsese is the greatest American filmmaker currently alive and still consistently making movies. Even his “weak” films remain interesting and great things to at least watch. His latest, The Aviator, is easily his best work since Goodfellas and easily reminds us why Scorsese is who he is.

The Aviator chronicles the life of Howard Hughes from the late 1920s and the making of Hell’s Angels until the mid 1940s and the first flight of what’s now more commonly known as “The Spruce Goose”. Leonardo DiCaprio stars as Hughes, a man obsessed with so many things…but the one that seems most consistent is his obsession with flying. Of course, as obsessed with aviation as Hughes was, he was also obsessed with many other things that would eventually lead to a life of being a hermit locked away within his own delusions and paranoias. While the film doesn’t enter this later phase of Hughes’ life, it does get all the ducks in place.

There are barely any false notes in this film. The acting is wonderful (particularly Cate Blanchett as Katherine Hepburn) and the look of the film is impeccable. Alec Baldwin and Alan Alda are essentially cast as the villains of the piece (playing the head of Pan Am and a corrupt Senator respectively) and they are the weakest links as far as characters are concerned (although you’ll also wonder why Ian Holm keeps showing up as a meteorologist in scenes that don’t really call for him to still be there), but they at least remain entertaining in their dimensionless ness. If there is major quibble at all, it’s the use of “name” actors in roles so minor that you have to wonder why they’re even in the film (I’m particularly thinking of Willem Dafoe and Brent Spiner). The film is also a bit on the long side, but you won’t really notice it.

Could tackling this subject of an American icon finally get Scorsese the Oscar he so justly deserves and has been robbed of many times? We’ll find out soon enough.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou is an odd film, but I guess that’s what we’ve come to expect from director Wes Anderson. This time out, we’re following the adventures of a famous oceanographer who’s a bit down on his luck. After his best friend is eaten by a rare shark no one other than Steve has seen, Zissou embarks on a trip to find it again and kill it in revenge. At the same time, Steve meets a young man named Ned Plympton who may or may not be his son.

The film starts interesting and then gets a bit weird and vague in the middle before finally getting to its point in time for a great ending. By the time we get there, we realize the film has little to do with oceanography (although all of the cool CGI creatures are neat to look at) and everything to do with the concept of family and how life is affected by those we call family (for Steve it’s his crew).

Bill Murray heads an amazing cast that also includes Owen Wilson, Cate Blanchett, Willem Dafoe, Jeff Goldblum and Angelica Huston. If you liked Rushmore or The Royal Tennebaums, you’ll probably also like this film.

Well…that’s all for the movie watching during our trip to Napa. We leave for home soon (we arrive so late Wednesday night that it’s most likely early Thursday morning). When I get back, I’ll get back to work on my annual Best/Worst list of the year (after all the films we saw while in California, I need to make some adjustments). So until then…

Be seeing you.

The Napa Movie Marathon Part Three

Hey folks,

Before we get to today’s reviews, I just want to pass on the cancellation notice for Showtime’s original series Dead like Me. After two seasons and twenty-nine episodes, this wonderfully quirky show gives up the ghost. Luckily it went out with an episode that could be a good closer if need be as most “questions” seemed answered. It will be missed. Chalk another stupid move up to the cable network that can’t hold a candle to HBO in the original series department. It may even be time to cancel those Showtime subscriptions (what other purpose does the channel serve after their mishandling of both Dead like Me and Jeremiah).

Gaston Leroux’s The Phantom of the Opera is one of those novels that I think everyone knows, but no one’s actually read…so they don’t really know the story (and quite frankly, having read it, it’s kind of boring). What they do know has either been colored by the 1925 Lon Chaney film, the 1942 Claude Rains film or Andrew Lloyd Weber’s lavish musical. It is this latter version that has finally reached the big screen and just in time since the movie musical is making a noble attempt at resurrection. Unfortunately, this film is more of a detriment to the genre.

Lloyd Weber’s stage show is the longest running show currently still running on Broadway. I tend to divide his work into two groups: the shows he wrote with Tim Rice (Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Jesus Christ Superstar and Evita) and the shows he wrote without Tim Rice (all the rest). Of this second group, it’s a toss-up as to whether Phantom or Sunset Boulevard are the best…but when you’re in the company of over-produced spectacle like Cats and Starlight Express you’re not really playing on a scale of one to ten…it’s more like one to two. The stage version is all style and little substance as it boils down Leroux’s novel to some vague basics and crafts on a story that mirrors Lloyd Weber’s relationship with Sarah Brightman (who starred in the original version as Christine opposite Michael Crawford’s Phantom). I’ve always thought that Lloyd Weber really wanted to write this as a rock opera and got side-tracked (witness the title song that sounds like it’s from a rock opera while everything else is more melodic). And while some of Lloyd Weber’s music is very nice and a few of the lyrics also nice, on the whole it’s a rather over done affair.

The movie is a very faithful rendition of the stage show down to even incorporating elements that just look silly on film (like the candelabras that rise from the water during the boat journey to the Phantom’s lair). But, like the stage show, it’s all style and no substance. It’s an amazing film to look at. The sets, costumes, photography are all simply grand and amazing. But that alone doesn’t help weak material. And some of the choices are odd at best (during the Masquerade sequence where one of the lyrics mentions all the colors that can be found in costumes we only see black, white, gold and silver as no one is dressed in any other color).

The acting is actually pretty good as is the singing. Minnie Driver steals the film as opera diva Carlotta. She’s hysterical every time she’s on screen and lucky for her, she’s got plenty of sumptuous scenery to chew on. Gerard Butler does a decent job as the Phantom, but his motivations are lacking (you could drive the plot holes of Ocean’s Twelve through the character motivation holes in this film) and when we finally see him unmasked towards the end, we wonder why he bothered to wear one in the first place if all he was covering was a bad sunburn. Emily Rossum is a very appropriately young Christine with a beautiful voice. Her only problem is that while her singing is very passionate, her facial expressions are dead (I’ll assume this is due to pre-recorded tracks being dubbed over the on set vocals during editing…a normal practice for musicals).

I’d like to lay all the blame for this dull and stolid affair at the feet of the man who killed Batman, Joel Schumacher. But, quite honestly, aside from pacing issues and a screenplay by co-credit, I don’t think this film is his fault. While the film is simply entitled The Phantom of the Opera on screen, all of the advertising calls it Andrew Lloyd Weber’s The Phantom of the Opera. The man is also credited as producer and co-screenwriter. So as far as I’m concerned, it’s his fault. Like George Lucas, it’s a bit obvious no one knows how to tell this Napoleon “this doesn’t work”. What could have been another rung on the ladder to raising the movie musical out of the grave and back into the light where it belongs becomes two steps back. Anyone up for viewing Chicago again?

I love movies that make me cry. I mean really cry. Not just watery eyes, mind you, but honest to god tears streaming down my cheeks. It’s rare that movies do this. I can only think of a handful (including Glory, Schindler’s List, Field of Dreams and The Shawshank Redemption) and it has been about ten years since the last one. We can now add Finding Neverland to this list.

I’ve always been a big fan of J.M. Barrie’s classic “children’s” story Peter Pan. Regardless of the version, I always enjoy the story of the boy who wouldn’t grow up. So this film about Barrie’s creation of the story interested me quite a lot. I won’t get into much about the reality versus the film, but it truly is a lovely story. Barrie, suffering in a marriage that has turned somewhat dull and sour, strikes up a friendship with a woman and her children. Through them he finds his inner fire and begins to craft an amazing tale. While all this is going on, they must suffer the scorn and innuendo of their peers (and the woman’s mother-in-law) and the pressure of Barrie’s producer who is thirsty for another hit.

Johnny Depp proves once again that he is one of the greatest actors currently working in film today. The supporting cast includes Kate Winslet and Dustin Hoffman as well as a number wonderfully real boys who act just like real boys given their situation. The film is a marvel to look at as we travel back and forth between the “real” world and the way Barrie imagines things as he tells stories. This is an amazing film and one of the best of the year. To say more would spoil it.

Our last review for today is Sideways. This latest film by Alexander Payne (Election and About Schmidt) is a very nice character piece about two friends who take a week’s journey to California wine country to give one of them a send off the week before his wedding. Along the way they meet two women and well…I won’t spoil anything else. Suffice it to say that anyone who’s ever been friends with someone they really shouldn’t be friends with will probably really relate to this film. I know I did.

It’s the acting and the writing that really propel this film. Paul Giamatti plays Miles, the schlub of a writer/wine connoisseur, perfectly. He’s the driving force here and he really brings this character to life. Thomas Haden Church is also perfect as Jack, the friend who’s getting married and is treating this last week of freedom as if it’s his last week of freedom. Virginia Madsen is Maya, the woman who intrigues Miles and Sandra Oh plays her friend Stephanie who hooks up with Jack. Everyone does a great job in this slow boil film that really gets us into Miles’ head and takes us on a really nice journey of exploration with him. It deserves most of the accolades it has been getting.

Anyway…that’s all for today…next time…more movies…

Be seeing you.

The Napa Movie Marathon Part Two

Hey folks,

Welcome to the second installment in my Napa Movie Marathon. But first a slight correction. Jim Carrey’s character in Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events is named Count Olaf…not Count Orloff. Duh. That’s what I get for writing in the wee hours of the morning without checking things over…

Anyway…on to today’s reviews…

So…here are five words we should hear this year that I never in a million years ever thought (or wanted) to hear…

Academy Award Nominee Adam Sandler

Writer-Director James L. Brooks hits his fourth one out of the park (and that’s out of five…and the one he didn’t may actually be a flawed masterpiece assuming we someday get to see the original musical version of I’ll Do Anything). Terms of Endearment, Broadcast News and As Good As It Gets are all wonderful character pieces that blend drama and comedy with the same deftness that occurs in real life.

Spanglish (which I personally don’t like as a title) is about Flor (Paz Vega), a young Mexican single mother who emigrates to the United States and eventually winds up as the housekeeper to the Claskys, a rather dysfunctional family. Mother Deborah (Tea Leoni) is a manipulator who will do whatever she can to get what she wants…even if it means hurting the ones she loves (for example, she buys clothes for her daughter that are just a size too small in the hopes it’ll motivate her to lose weight). Father John (Sandler) is a top-rated chef who isn’t good at confrontation and is better suited at flying just under the radar (he doesn’t want a four star rating for his restaurant because it would mean selling out…he’s happy with less than perfection).

They have two children, Bernice (Sarah Steele), who tends to border on the cliché of lovable fat teenage girl, and Georgie (Ian Hyland), who doesn’t get enough screen time to really make himself known as a presence. And then there’s Evelyn (Cloris Leachman), Deb’s former songstress turned alcoholic, who also lives with them. Eventually Flor and her daughter Cristina (Shelbie Bruce) move in for the summer and Deb makes the bright young girl her pet project, much to the dismay of Flor…which motivates the young woman to finally learn English and speak up for herself.

This isn’t Brooks’ best work, but it’s kind of like watching a bad James Bond film…it’s still good (it’s a bad analogy, but what do you expect it’s 3am as I write this). There are plenty of subtleties even with the complete manipulation of the audience as Brooks knows how to pull heartstrings (almost in a Spielbergian kind of way…just without the lavish special effects). The acting, as one would expect from the list of previous films, is top notch and highly surprising…particularly in the case of Sandler (though if you had seen Punch Drunk Love you knew it was in him…you just didn’t expect it this soon after). Leoni plays the cold manipulative bitch to a T, yet still gives her plenty of depth without turning her into a cliché. But it is Vega in the end who carries this film and she does an amazing job.

The film is a bit long, but you shouldn’t notice that too much as it moves at a brisk pace. While it’s not quite As Good As It Gets (hey…look…a pun…of sorts), it’s much better than almost anything that’s come out this year and is definitely in my top ten of the year (you’ll be getting my annual list after New Year’s…I forgot to bring that file with me to Napa to continue working on it).

I love the work of Steven Soderbergh. I have pretty much since the beginning. But with the success of both Out of Sight and Erin Brockovich, Soderbergh now has the clout to go from slick Hollywood cash project to where he got his start Indie films with much ease. He has found a good balance of the two in Ocean’s Twelve, a sequel to a successful remake, in which the audience goes in expecting a fun and entertaining big budget popcorn flick and winds up watching a slow boil arty homage to European filmmaking. That’s not a bad thing…assuming you can open your mind to the experience a bit (although…judging from what I’ve been hearing…most people can’t).

Its three years after the first film and Danny Ocean (George Clooney) and his friends have all settled nicely into their routines after ripping off Vegas casino owner Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia). Now Benedict has found them all (in an amusing string of scenes that makes it feel like he’s in eleven places at the same time) and wants his money back plus interest. So Danny and his friends trot off to Europe to try and heist 97 million dollars in two weeks to pay Benedict back. Unfortunately, they find themselves in the middle of a game of cat and mouse between a beautiful Europol agent (Catherine Zeta-Jones) who has ties to Rusty (Brad Pitt) and one of the best burglars to ever grace the European continent and known only as the Night Fox (and played by Vincent Cassell).

From this plot we get the usually con artist trickery that tries to stay one or two steps ahead of the audience. But here, most of it fails miserably. What many will see as a weak and hollow attempt to cash in on a success, what they’re actually seeing is the greatest con of all. Much like The Hulk where Ang Lee sold an art film disguised as a comic book movie, here Soderbergh, Clooney and company trounce around Europe doing whatever they want and feeding it to us as if Francois Truffaut were pulling the strings. Some plot points go unexplained, characters get fleeting screen time with no real purpose (let’s face it…with all these people “in the gang” some are gonna get short shrift), big names make cameos in jokey roles that make little sense (if Bruce Willis needs to appear as himself, he should be in on the con…and why waste Eddie Izzard, Robbie Coltrane and Albert Finney in toss-away roles) and enough Hollywood in-jokes to make The Player blush (Julia Roberts playing Tess playing Julia Roberts comes to mind).

While I enjoyed this film, I can understand many being disappointed that it’s not as good as the original remake (there’s an odd phrase). It’s that rare sequel, like The Two Jakes and The Godfather Part III, that does its best trying to serve many masters and actually succeeding…if you can just see past the trees and look at the whole forest.

Well…that’s all for today. Next time…Finding Neverland and Sideways…

Until then…

Be seeing you.

The Palz of Lemony Snickett

Before we start today’s movie review, just a couple of quick bits of what I consider to be some cool news.

In March of 2005, Fox Home Video will be releasing a DVD box set of The Lone Gunmen. This comedic action spin-off of The X-Files only ran for 13 episodes before being unjustly cancelled. Not only will this set include the unedited version of the pilot episode (the one that aired in March of 2001 and featured a plot by terrorists to fly an airplane into the World Trade Center), but it will also feature the Season 9 episode of The X-Files entitled “Jump the Shark” that ties up all the loose ends from this series…thereby making this collection as complete as it can get (there will also be a few other extras included).

In a bit of related The X-Files news…Palisades Toys has jumped into the block action figure craze with a vengeance. Their new line of 2 ½ inch tall figures with 14 points of articulation and loads of accessories is called “Palz” and the first license has just started to hit stores. The first batch of figures based on Buffy the Vampire Slayer look amazing (I’ll have reviews when I’m back in CT) and are just plain cool. Palisades has 7 waves planned so far (one for each season) and the first wave consists of Buffy, Willow, Giles, Xander, Darla and The Master. Each figure has a “transformation” feature: turn the head around, switch out some body parts (included in the package) and presto you’ve got a new version of the same character (for example, Darla can go from human to vampire in a switch). There are also two exclusive figures of Angel and Vampire Buffy available online. A second series arrives in April and includes Oz, Cordelia, Buffy, Spike, Drusilla and Jenny Calendar. There will also be three packs of monsters (without the transformation features). The first pack arrives in April and includes The Anointed One, Marcie Ross and Der Kinderstod.

What does all this have to do with The X-Files? Well, that’s the second line of Palz that Palisades has licensed from Fox (and since they’re all the same size, Mulder & Buffy can go hunt Vampires and other monsters together while Angel and Scully get it on). The first series arrives in March of 2005 and includes Mulder, Scully, Deep Throat, Frohike, Grey Alien, Conundrum, Flukeman (who comes with his own Port-O-Potty) and Donnie Pfaster. There will be variant versions of Mulder, Scully and Donnie Pfaster. These will also feature loads of cool accessories, but no transformations. If you pick up extra Deep Throats and Frohikes you could probably make a Kolchak the Night Stalker Palz. A second series is in the planning stages and could include Scully, Mulder (both different from the previous releases), Cigarette Smoking Man, Langley, X, Eugene Victor Tooms, the Bat Thing, Marita Covarrubius, Krychek and Skinner (as in Assistant Director Skinner, not Principal Skinner from The Simpsons).

Meanwhile in other cool Palisades Toys news, they’ve picked up the license for Sesame Street and are planning at least two waves for 2005 to match their highly successful, yet about to come to an end line of figures from The Muppet Show. The first wave consists of Ernie, Oscar, Guy Smiley and the Two Headed Monster – which continues a pattern established by their other Muppet line of two popular characters, a fan favorite and an obscure one. There will be two versions of the figures available. Mass market retailers will be selling just the figure. Specialty outlets will be selling a set that includes the figure and a section of Sesame Street (with a bit of a cheated scale, but if you’ve seen Palisades Back Stage playset from The Muppet Show you’ll see how close they come). The section included with this group of figures will be where Oscar’s can sits (just in front of the fence to Big Bird’s nest). There will also be a Super Grover exclusive available at Wizard World Chicago Convention in March to kick off the line. With a phone booth, inter-changeable heads and a cloth trench coat Grover can change from super hero to mild mannered reporter in seconds (but don’t expect to make him plain old regular or “naked” Grover as the “G” is part of his chest sculpt and is not removable).

Meanwhile, look for the other Muppet line to wind down a bit as it switches to retail exclusives only. So far, Gonzo & Rizzo from Muppet Treasure Island, Scoutmaster Kermit and Uncle Deadly are the only figures to have found homes, but the entire cast of Veterinarian’s Hospital and Johnny Fiamma’s monkey pal Sal are sculpted and looking for homes. There may be a few more before the line officially ends sometime in 2005.

Lastly, in the block figure category…look for Art Asylum to continue their highly successful line of Minimates with more characters from Marvel Comics and Lord of the Rings as well as more C3 construction sets that feature DC Comics characters from various Batman incarnations as well as Justice League Unlimited. Rumor also has them teaming up with Dc Comics to create comic versions of the rest of the DC Universe and release them through DC’s own toy company DC Direct. We’ll keep our fingers crossed.

And finally…with Playmates line from The Simpsons at an end, Mezco’s line from Family Guy has picked up the slack. The first six figures are already in stores and are a good mix of the family (Peter, Chris, Lois, Brian and two different Stewies). The second wave is even better (Rufus Griffen, Quagmire, Meg, Mutant Stewie, Naked Peter and Death as well as an S&M two pack of Lois & Peter) and the third wave just continues the crazy fun (Cristobel, Peter in drag, Brian’s cousin Jasper, next door neighbor and handicapped cop Joe, the Pope and Mayor Adam West – which will easily be the coolest toy of 2005). Can’t wait to see where else they take this line.

Obviously, I can’t wait to have a kid now just so I can play with all the cool toys I’ve been collecting (and we’re gonna be getting rid of some in the process that just aren’t worth keeping anymore – and obviously some will have to wait until Baby Faced Fenster is old enough to play without swallowing small removable parts – it’s a good thing that all these mini figures can fit into one shoe box and reside on a very high shelf until then).

Now…on to our first movie review from Napa…

I must admit to not being too familiar with the popular series of children’s books known as Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events beyond knowing they exist, they’re popular and they’re currently up to book 11. So I went into the film version a complete tabula rasa.

The titular Lemony Snicket is a writer who has been detailing the lives of the Beaudelaire orphans. There’s the eldest, Violet, who is good at inventing things. There’s Klaus, the middle child, who loves to read and has memorized every book he’s ever read. And then there’s the infant Sunny who loves to bite things. Unfortunately, Mr. Snicket informs us of the tragic death of their parents and the children are shipped off to live with their closest relative, Count Orloff (closest in the sense that he lives 37 blocks away…we’re never sure how the children are actually related to him).

Orloff is an actor along the lines of Master Thespian from the old Saturday Night Live sketches with Jon Lovitz. And he’s not just a bad actor, he’s a bad person. He’s only interested in the Beaudelaire fortune. So he sets about trying to kill the children so he can get the money. He’s foiled of course (although not in any way that he gets caught because no one believes the children) and the orphans are shipped off to live happily with their Uncle Monty.

Of course, it isn’t long before Uncle Monty’s new assistant arrives and the kids quickly discover that it’s Count Orloff in disguise. Orloff dispatches Monty and the kids are again shipped off (after Orloff escapes again) to live with their Aunt Josephine…can you see where this is now headed? The film doesn’t have the happy ending one would find in a typical children’s film…but it does have a very satisfying one that sets up a continuation of adaptations of the books.

The story is one of the best types of children’s stories as it doesn’t talk down to children and is rather dark, yet does manage to send a rather positive message. It is also the type of children’s story that adults should thoroughly enjoy as it works on many levels. In my research on the books, I’ve discovered that the film adapts the first three and that further books continue the pattern of the orphans winding up in a new living arrangement and then Orloff shows up before long in a disguise to try and get the money or kill the children or both. It will be interesting to see how any further films continue this pattern.

Jim Carrey stars as Count Orloff and it gives him the opportunity to mug, overact and prance about on screen like he usually does. Meryl Streep and Billy Connolly also give good performances as the other doomed guardians of the children. But it is the naturalness of the three child actors that keeps things moving along nicely. If these children weren’t believable as people who survived a tragedy, the entire film would have easily fallen apart. Jude Law provides the voice of Lemony Snicket (who is an amazing narrator of these tales…both witty and informative without being saccharine and clichéd).

The movie, like life, explains how we must find the strength to survive what tends to be one unfortunate event after another. Savor the good moments because they are what will give you that strength. Look to family carefully because while they are supposedly there to give you the strength, not all of them can be there all the time and some of them are there for their own purposes. And always, always listen to children…because they will always, surely be listening to you.

I’ll be back tomorrow with another review (probably Ocean’s Twelve or Spanglish).

Be seeing you

Vacation in Napa

So…it’s been a while…and now we’re on vacation in Napa…

It’s been a crazy year between the house renovations that don’t seem to end (we’ve been gone 24 hours and they’ve slipped another week behind schedule…grr) and rolling from one community theater show into another pretty much since March with barely a break along the way…

And now…for those of you who haven’t already heard through the grapevine…Natasha is pregnant. The baby is due somewhere around June 19, 2005. We’ve seen three images of the baby so far and surprisingly it’s rather camera shy (the last time, just this past week before leaving for Napa, it would turn and wave us away every time the sonogram came into view). We’re both very excited…and now we have excuses to whip the workmen into going faster and to quit community theater for a while if need be (and I may need to as the frustration level with the group I’m Vice President of doesn’t seem to wane even with forward progress).

Anyway…so that’s the big news…

While we’re taking a break here in sunny, foggy and chilly Napa (sure it’s a warmer 58 degrees than the 18 degrees we left in…but it still feels cold), we’re going to be catching up on a number of movies currently in theaters (or just opening in theaters).

So while today brings you a rather short piece, tomorrow will bring you a review of Lemony Snickett’s A Series of Unfortunate Events…followed by quite possibly Ocean’s Twelve, Meet the Fockers, The Phantom of the Opera, Spanglish, Sideways and Finding Neverland. So until then…

Be seeing you

Cable Shows: Backwards and Forwards 2004

Hey folks,

See…this is what happens when you are up writing early in the morning. I couldn’t remember where I had left off in the whole TV thing…so I sent out the previous entry when I should have sent out this last entry. To quote Maxwell Smart “Sorry about that, Chief.”

Anyway…here’s the Fugue you should have gotten.

This issue contains the rundown of a bunch of odd shows. These are the shows we watch on cable, in syndication or on DVD release.

Sex and the City – 6 Seasons/94 Episodes
Well. It’s over. And quite honestly I don’t have much to add beyond what’s already been said by others (and I don’t necessarily agree with a lot of it). It’s one of those shows that I feel will lose its “classic” status over the years since it was thrust upon the show unjustly (as it is with almost any show…a “classic” has staying power and timelessness…you can’t tell if a show has either until its been gone for a while). It was fun while it lasted.

Jeremiah – 2 Seasons/35 Episodes/8 Unaired
This Showtime series was the brainchild of J. Michael Straczynski, creator of “Babylon 5”. Here he adapted a French comic book series into a wonderful TV show. The first season is available on DVD and that’s how I wound up watching most of it (I had actually started watching the series when it aired, but lost track of it after a while figuring there’d be a DVD). The second season started and then mysteriously stopped. Eight episodes remain and no one knows when or if they’ll air. JMS is on record as saying if the show did return for a third season it would be without him. He has nothing but good things to say about the network, but it’s the production company MGM that has pissed him off. There are no specifics, but part of his animosity may come from how they treated his script for the film version of his comic book “Rising Stars” (I won’t get into that here other than to say it’s being rewritten by other people). Perhaps Showtime figured that without JMS the series isn’t worth continuing. Time will tell. Meanwhile, catch the DVDs of the first season (even though they’re not presented in widescreen like the series was when it aired).

Carnivale – returns for a second season on HBO in early 2005
This slow boiler still hasn’t laid out exactly what it’s really about…but it was fun getting to the end of the season. Hopefully the second season will start to narrow the focus a bit more.

Dead Like Me – returns for a second season to Showtime on July 25
This is the living definition of “quirky”. If you didn’t catch season one, it’s out on DVD soon. One of the best shows anywhere on the dial.

The Dead Zone – returns for a third season of 13 episodes to USA on June 6
While Stephen King himself doesn’t seem to be fairing too well in the weekly series arena, this show remains well written and engaging. It could be gimmicky at times, but does its best to stay above that. Reporter Dana Bright will not be returning for the third season and I haven’t heard yet if the mystery man from season two (played by Frank Whaley) will be back this season (which means there better be a fourth season). Season 2 arrives on DVD in mid-June.

Six Feet Under – season four begins June 13 on HBO
I’ve missed chunks of this show over the last two seasons…but it remains well written and engaging (I’m starting to sound like a broken record…where’s my thesaurus).

Monk – returns for a third season of 16 episodes to USA on June 18
If the pilot didn’t cement Adrian’s place in the pantheon of great detectives, then all the episodes that have aired since definitely have. This is a wonderful show where half the time the actual mystery is almost irrelevant to how Monk’s going to get through his neuroses. Season One arrives on DVD in June.

The Sopranos – the fifth season comes to an end on June 6
And what a season it’s been. Things are coming to a head on a number of fronts and yet it all seems a bit lackluster. Maybe it’s the long waits between season? Maybe it’s the fact that last season wasn’t all that and this season’s trying to make up for it? The next season (number six) will be the last, but who knows when it will start.

Deadwood – the first season comes to an end on June 13
Never a fan of Westerns, I love this show…if only for the weird “Who’s on First” inspired routine between Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) and the non-English speaking Mr. Wu that prevalently featured the word “cocksucker”. It’s not a comedy by any means, but this show is well written and very well rounded for a “western” (which I’m not so sure it is at times in spite of its setting). A second season will arrive in 2005.

South Park – the second half of season eight will air starting in October
Between poking fun at the special Olympics, Mel Gibson and Michael Jackson, Parker and Stone gave us an episode that became an instant favorite of mine…Cartman disguising himself as a robot just to play a joke on Butters which backfires horribly when Butters admits he’s got a video of Cartman dressed like Brittany Spears dancing around his back yard. Cartman is one of the most reprehensible characters on TV (he falls somewhere between Lionel Luthor and Al Swearengen as far as TV villains go) and I love episodes where he gets his comeuppance. Season four arrives on DVD this summer.

Teen Titans – there are 4 episodes left to air from season two. The show has been renewed for both a third and a fourth season. This will bring the total number of episodes to 52. Hmmm…must be a Warner cartoon. The anime aspect to the show keeps things a bit silly at times, but the show has found a nice balance between playing to its intended audience (kids) and playing to older people. Now if they would just come out and tell us which universe the stories take place in (is it the same one as all the previous animated DC Comics shows).

Justice League – Cartoon Network has retooled this show for its 3rd season (in addition to renewing it for a fourth as well). Look for the current seven members of the team (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Hawkgirl, Flash and Green Lantern) to be joined by just about everyone else from DC Comics history. The new season starts on August 7 and each stand alone episode will pair one or two of the old members with a few of the new ones. Look for appearances by Supergirl, Captain Atom, The Question, Booster Gold, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Elongated Man, Wildcat, The Atom, Vixen, Vigilante, Zatanna, Red Tornado, Hawk & Dove, Star Spangled Girl & S.T.R.I.P.E. and many others. We can even look forward to an adaptation of an Alan Moore story. Look for a name change as well (it’s now Justice League Unlimited).

Penn & Teller: Bullshit! – Two Seasons and 21 episodes
The comedic magic team debunk various myths, fads and hoaxes each week (the end of the world, feng shui and P.E.T.A. are examples of things they’ve tackled). They do it in the same humorous way that Michael Moore does…only they seem to tackle it from the other end of the political spectrum with a bit less distortion of “facts” and they do it as entertainment, not as a one-sided political tract. Season One is on DVD. I’m unsure if the show will be returning for a third season yet.

Battlestar: Galactica – 13 episodes will premiere on Sci-Fi in early 2005
The re-imagining of the cheesy sci-fi cult classic is a bazillion times more interesting than the original (and actually leaves room for the original to be something of a prequel). The entire cast of the four hour mini series will be returning (well…those that survived anyway) and an appearance by Richard Hatch is also scheduled (as who or what we don’t know…but obviously he got over his anger at his own version of a remake not being done). The four hour mini series should be arriving on DVD around the same time the episodes premiere.

Babylon 5 – With the entire series now on DVD (and a box set of the TV movies on its way in August…and a set for “Crusade” due later in the year), you’d think that life for this franchise was over. Creator J. Michael Straczynski has been hinting around for a while about a project that’s brewing and while nothing official has been announced yet, it’s pretty obvious from what JMS has said online that it’s a feature film (whose initials are B5: TMoS). He’s also recently said that there’s more than one B5 project on the horizon. My guess is that like with “Family Guy” and “Firefly”, the DVD sales have fired up the new interest. Now is the time to start watching this great series from the beginning if you haven’t already (just put it in your Netflix queue). As we go to press, we must report on the sad passing of Richard Biggs who played Dr. Franklin on the show. He was a talented man and will be sorely missed in any upcoming endeavors in this universe.

Farscape – While the series came to an abrupt end in March of 2003 (after 4 seasons and 88 episodes), the DVD releases are still playing catch up (the final volume will be out in July). Couple that with a four hour mini-series airing on Sci-Fi before the year is out and it’s gonna be a great year for this show. I’m still muddling through Season 3, but having a lot of fun doing so.

CSI/CSI: Miami – Since my boycott of CBS is still in place, I’ve had to catch these shows in reruns on other networks…this has led to me doing marathon runs on DVD. These are well written shows with good casts and I look forward to eventually seeing the new version CSI: New York when it arrives on DVD.

Poirot – David Suchet returns to play Agatha Christie’s most famous detective in four more adaptations. While they have yet to air in the U.S., they have done so in the U.K. where they are also available on DVD. Look for “Sad Cypress”, “Death on the Nile”, “Five Little Pigs” and “The Hollow” to hopefully appear either on TV or DVD on this side of the Atlantic soon. Four more movies will go into production by year’s end for airing in 2005 in Britain (and who knows when here). I’m looking forward to these and hope they eventually redo “Murder on the Orient Express”. Rumor also has it that a Japanese anime version of Poirot will be appearing in the near future.

Miss Marple – Speaking of Agatha Christie’s detectives…Geraldine McEwen has been cast in the role of Jane Marple for a new series of remakes. The previous run starring the late Joan Hickson was the definitive version of the character and they did film all of the novels (leaving only the short stories unfilmed) so I’m not sure why we’re getting new versions of “The Body in the Library”, “A Murder is Announced”, “Murder at the Vicarage” and “4:50 from Paddington” so soon…but they may be worth a watch as they are a good crop of mysteries. The rumor about the Japanese anime Poirot also extends to Miss Marple. Interesting.

Prime Suspect – This wonderful mystery series returned after a 7 year hiatus with a sixth series. They are all available on DVD and are worth watching. Supposedly Helen Mirren will return for a seventh series and then call it quits for good.

The Shield – the third season is currently still airing. There will be a fourth season.
If you ever needed a reason to think that Michael Chiklis would make the ultimate Ben Grimm of the “Fantastic Four” (he’s the Thing), this show provides it. It’s the dark side of the law and it’s very well done. Boy am I getting repetitive.

Doctor Who – Well…the BBC finally figured out how to bring back this show. While a lot remains under wraps, we can tell you that Christopher Eccleston will officially be the ninth actor to play the Doctor (but it remains to be seen if this is the ninth incarnation of the Doctor or a reboot from the beginning). There will be 13 episodes in the first season. Each episode will run 45 minutes and there will be a combination of one and two part stories. There is currently no distributor for airing the show in the U.S. The rights to use the Daleks have been sorted out, so expect the dated looking robots to return (hopefully with something of a facelift). The show starts filming in July and will air as early as Christmas (according to rumor).

Well…I think that covers everything else I’m watching these days (or have been watching in off hours…or am waiting to watch again). I’ve said I watch way too much TV (and you can add to all that the shows that Natasha watches when I’m just in the room…mostly Food Network and Home & Garden shows like “Unwrapped”, “Iron Chef”, “Trading Spaces”, “House Hunters” and “Clean Sweep”).

Next up will be an update on things around here and then a massive crop of movie reviews (assuming I get around to watching most of what’s on the list).

Be seeing you.

Spleenless Joel

The WB: Backwards and Forwards 2004

Hey folks,

Here’s the rundown of the Frog Network.

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

Tarzan – 8 Episodes
Just because it worked for Superman, doesn’t mean it’s gonna work for everyone (case in point, the aborted new version of “The Flash” that didn’t get past the launching gate). I’m not sure that Jungle Boy and modern day America mix. The show did have a decent supporting cast however in Mitch Pileggi and Lucy Lawless.

Angel – 5 Seasons/110 Episodes
This show will go down in TV history as one of the best examples of how to go out while still on top. The series finale will be the subject of discussion for eons whether there is ever another piece to this story or not. Whatever reasons The WB had for canceling this show are, quite honestly, just plain stupid. The fifth season not only re-charged the show creatively, the ratings were up. This past season is also easily its best (in spite of the last minute introduction of The Circle of the Black Thorn and their subsequent dispatch in the final episode). Joss Whedon was able to create a spin off that not only stood out on its own, but did so in such an amazing manner that in the end it surpassed the quality of the show it came from. This show was always about fighting the good fight no matter the odds and it went out doing just that.

X-Men: Evolution – 4 Seasons/52 Episodes
This cartoon is actually a well thought out version of the X-Men mythos. It’s entertaining and well written. It got an unjustified axe.

The Help – 7 Episodes
I honestly don’t know why I liked this show. It made me laugh and yet it was probably the dumbest thing to hit TV in quite some time. Oh well.

Run of the House – 17 Episodes
Maybe someday Joey Lawrence will get a show he can star in that doesn’t flop. He’s actually got some talent.

All About the Andersons – 16 Episodes
See my entry for “Run of the House” and replace Joey Lawrence with Anthony Anderson.

The Jamie Kennedy Experiment – 3 Seasons/62 Episodes
This “hip” and “young” version of “Candid Camera” wasn’t much of a bold experiment. Luckily, the experiment finally failed.

Like Family – 22 Episodes/1 Unaired
What was this show about? I missed the meeting.

The Surreal Life – 2 Seasons/14 Episodes
This weird show is actually moving networks. Next time it’ll be on VH1 where it belongs (isn’t that where all the old 80’s stuff pops up and this show is made up of plenty of old 80’s stuff).

Static Shock – 4 Seasons/52 Episodes
Hey…just by looking at the number of episodes you can tell this is a cartoon made by Warner Brothers. “X-Men: Evolution”, “Superman: The Animated Series”, “Batman Beyond” and “Samurai Jack” all hit the same number and stopped. Is there something about good cartoons and rerun potential that I haven’t figured out? I’d think more episodes would be better…like live shows. Make 100 episodes get into syndication. Oh well. This one was mostly notable for the episodes with guest stars like Batman, Superman and the Justice League.

RETURNING SHOWS

Charmed – Wow. This show is coming back for a 7th Season. How did this show, which isn’t bad mind you, survive this long but the WB went and cancelled “Angel”?? Grrrrr. Arrgh.

7th Heaven – This show’s been on for 9 seasons? Where does time go??

Everwood – Returning for its third season in the fall, this show remains a well written examination of family life. Treat Williams is a rock of an actor and deserves more recognition than what he gets.

Smallville – The fourth season sees the removal of Sam Jones III from the cast (no more Pete Ross…like he was doing much beyond keeping Clark’s secret and getting beat up on occasion by people wanting the secret). The show remains an incredible re-imagining of the boy who would become Superman. Even the occasional additions of things that we know from Clark’s future in Metropolis (Perry White for example) make sense and work well. Easily one of the best shows on TV, but it took a while to find its stride (the first season was mostly freak of the week stories, but they worked) and this season easily goes down as the best so far. The season ending cliffhanger put no doubt in anyone’s head that Lionel Luthor is the most evil and despicable character currently walking the airwaves.

Grounded for Life – This cast off from FOX found a great new home on The WB and in spite of some changes (regular character Grandpa Walt became a recurring character with no real reason) it remains a funny and well done show. It enters its fifth season with two episodes still to air from its third season (the last FOX run).

What I Like About You -- Oh. So this is where Amanda Bynes comes from. All these blonde teenage harlot…er, I mean starlets are starting to look alike. She should stay on this show (now entering its third season) so I can remember the difference between her and Lindsey Lohan.

Reba – Coming back for a fourth season, this show is cute and entertaining…but I still don’t watch it regularly enough to comment on it in any way other than a snarky way. Since I respect Reba as an artist, I’ll refrain.

Steve Harvey’s Big Time – This variety/freak show will expand from 30 minutes to an hour for its second season.

Gilmore Girls – Four seasons have gone by already?? Wow. I still don’t watch. Maybe I’ll try catching up via DVD? Probably not.

One Tree Hill – I’m not sure what this show is really about. I tended to confuse it with “The OC” but I know that’s on FOX and has Peter Gallagher in it. So I don’t know what this show is. Obviously I don’t watch it.

High School Reunion – Another reality show. I think the title says it all.

NEXT SEASON’S LINE UP
When two shows are listed for one time slot it means the second show is currently scheduled to take over at mid-season or after a complete uninterrupted run of the first show

Mondays
8pm 7th Heaven
9pm Everwood

Tuesdays
8pm Gilmore Girls
9pm One Tree Hill

Wednesdays
8pm Smallville
9pm Blue Collar TV
9:30 Drew Carey’s Green Screen Show

Thursdays
8pm The Mountain
9pm Studio 7

Fridays
8pm What I Like About You
8:30 Commando Nanny
9pm Reba
9:30 Grounded For Life

Saturdays
No Programming

Sundays
5pm One Tree Hill
6pm The Mountain
7pm Steve Harvey’s Big Time
8pm Charmed
9pm Jack and Bobby

NEW SHOWS
Blue Collar TV – If you saw the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” on TV, then picture that as a “sitcom”. Each episode’s “theme” is set up by Jeff Foxworthy and then it’s acted out by the rest of the cast. I guess Blue Collar is more PC than Red Neck?? As an aside, I’ve been told by a few people that Rodney Carrington of ABC’s new show “Rodney” comes from this school of comedy.

Drew Carey’s Green Screen Show – Drew and the casts of his last two shows (“The Drew Carey Show” and “Whose Line Is It Anyway”) return to reenact sketches suggested by the audience. It all gets “animated” via use of the title’s Green Screen. Meh.

The Mountain – The creators of “The O.C” bring us the story of the Carver family and their ski resort. When the patriarch dies, his heir is the son no one expected to take over the business. Look for lots of soap suds.

Studio 7 -- If anyone didn’t think that “reality” shows were already game shows, think again. Here we get seven contestants on a quiz show that are forced to live with each other. Viewers get to play along at home. Ugh. When will this trend end?

Commando Nanny – the reigning King of “reality” shows Mark Burnett brings us a sitcom based on either his real life or two Hulk Hogan movies. Or maybe it’s a combination. Gerald McRainey stars as the dad who is reluctant to hire the British commando as a nanny for his son, but he gets overruled by his wife.

Jack and Bobby – Christine Lahti stars as Grace McAllister, single mom of two teenage boys…one of whom is destined to become the President of the United States. From the creators of “Everwood”, this show will use flash forward techniques to show us snap shots and interviews from the future President’s term in office.

MID-SEASON REPLACEMENTS
Shacking Up – Fran Drescher returns to TV in this sitcom about a 25 year old med school drop out who returns home to live with his mom (Drescher), his sister and his mom’s 25 year old boyfriend. We won’t mention the extra character…the border that’s also living in the closet…literally.

Rocky Point – yet another coming of age drama about a female college drop out who gives up Princeton for Hawaii and surfing…until her father shows up looking for her. Billy Campbell is the father.

Global Frequency – Producer Mark Burnett enters the hour long drama game with this series based on a comic book about a covert intelligence agency.

Big Man on Campus – A “reality” series in which a group of sorority sisters pick the title man from a group of fraternity brothers. The twist is that the winning guy then whittles the girls down until he finds his “queen”. Ugh. Meh.

Wannabes – Yet another “reality” series (making me pine for the good old days of “Friends” clones now). This one follows the lives of a bunch of starlets as they wait tables and show how bad they are and don’t deserve to have big Hollywood careers. Pretty much like everyone already there.

Well…that’s all for The WB. Next up is the amazing and innovative FOX lineup.

Until then…

Be seeing you.

Spleenless Joel

ABC: Backwards and Forwards 2004

Hey folks,

Today we look at ABC’s fall lineup. I think they may have the most number of new shows I’ve actually got even a slight interest in trying out (that would be five).

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

10-8 – 15 Episodes/1 Unaired
I watched the first few episodes of this show, but there wasn’t much to keep me interested beyond that. I usually like seeing Ernie Hudson get work as he’s a very versatile actor.

The Practice – 8 Seasons/168 Episodes
I had stopped watching this show after the 6th Season. I had become bored with the ever silly plotlines dealing with the various characters within the firm. I had also always felt that the addition of Lara Flynn Boyle’s Assistant DA was a one note part that ended long ago. Luckily, this past season brought about a number of invigorating changes. A pairing down of the cast to the few interesting ones, the addition of James Spader and a rotating list of high profile guests kept this show fresh and energetic for most of the season. Unfortunately, instead of keeping the energy up, the end of the season devolved into the setup for a spin-off. This essentially made all storylines involving the remaining original characters into secondary plots while the antics of William Shatner and his law firm took center stage. Even Spader started taking a back seat at points. (I won’t even get started on the very pointless return of Dylan McDermott to the last two episodes) Hopefully the new show will find it’s footing rather quickly and not continue the silliness.

It’s All Relative – 22 Episodes Produced/2 Episodes Unaired
Missed this one. Who was in it? Oh…right…that’s the show with the very funny Lenny Clarke that seemed to be very unfunny…I did see an episode. My mistake.

Karen Sisco – 10 Episodes Produced/7 Aired on ABC/3 Aired on USA
This TV version of the movie “Out of Sight” was much better than that really good film and deserved a better fate than what ABC gave it. They pulled the show early in the season with a promise to relaunch it at a better time. That never came and they just dumped it months later. Luckily, USA had enough success with the reruns to air the remaining episodes (and most of the series is still parked on our Tivo for a marathon viewing in the near future). Maybe we’ll see this on DVD (with whatever unproduced scripts are floating around).

Threat Matrix – 16 Episodes/2 Unaired
This action/thriller took the post 9/11 world of Homeland Security and made it into a weekly series. I figured since “24” had been doing this so much better for so much longer and had “name” talent involved, why should I bother.

L.A. Dragnet – 2 Seasons/22 Episodes/5 Aired on USA
The first season of this update was good…not great…but good. With Ed O’Neill’s Joe Friday as mentor and Ethan Embrey’s Frank Smith as student it showed a lot of promise. Unfortunately, ABC added the “L.A.” to the title and a bunch of “students” to replace Embrey for the second season. It wasn’t as interesting and all potential went away. So did the show after 5 episodes on ABC.

Kingdom Hospital – 13 Episodes
While the show is currently on hiatus, it will not be returning in the fall (look for the episodes to be burned off in June). The series was interesting, but obvious to start with. I actually gave up about five episodes in when I realized I just didn’t care much. Being the Stephen King fan I am, I’ll pick it up and try again when the DVD comes out in October.

The D.A. — 4 Episodes
Generally speaking I like Stephen Weber, but I missed this show’s airings entirely.

I’m with Her – 22 Episodes
This was the mediocre sitcom based on the lives of Brooke Shields and her non-celebrity husband…I don’t think I ever even bothered.

Married to the Kellys – 22 Episodes
Breckin Meyer strikes out in his second sitcom (that NBC Must See TV comedy about the sports commentator whose title eludes me now was the previous one). What was this about?

Life with Bonnie – 2 Seasons/44 Episodes
Bonnie Hunt is a very funny and talented lady. While this sitcom wasn’t great, it was given the chance to prove itself. I’m not sure it deserved being cancelled now (when other crap remains), but I didn’t watch often enough to miss it.

The Big House – 6 Episodes
I think I blinked and missed this. What was this about?

Line of Fire – 13 Episodes/2 Unaired
I missed this also. It sounded a bit like “Wiseguy”.

Celebrity Mole – 4 Seasons/35 Episodes
This was on for fourth seasons?????!!!!!!

RETURNING SHOWS

Alias – Due to all the chaos that is Sunday at 9pm, I stopped watching this show early into the third season. Now that it won’t premiere until January and I’ll have caught up (since Season Three arrives on DVD in September), I’ll add it back to my viewing list.

8 Simple Rules – The only thing this show had going for it initially was its two leads: John Ritter and Katey Sagal. Tragically, Ritter died early this season…but I’m a bit surprised the show is still going. I sampled it after his death and found it to be a bit of an oddity. Trying to work in the character’s death in what is a sitcom was odd enough, but then they brought in guest stars to fill the void. When you have to add David Spade, you’ve hit rock bottom.

According To Jim – Another “cutesy” sitcom that’s going on too long. The fourth season starts in the fall. I smell a “Coach” or “Wings” in the making.

Less Than Perfect – It’s not bad, but it’s not good. Starts a third season this fall. I’m still amazed that a sitcom with Eric Roberts can be as funny as this one can get at times.

NYPD Blue – Coming back for a 12th and final season in the fall. I stopped watching well before Jimmy Smits left the show. Does Dennis Franz even have a partner anymore??

My Wife and Kids – See my entry for “According to Jim”.

The Bachelor – At the rate this show’s going all the available hunks should be married off (and divorced) by the end of next season.

George Lopez – See my entry for “My Wife and Kids”.

Hope and Faith – The teaming of Faith Ford and Kelly Ripa was inspired. This is the one show currently on TV that I actually regret not watching more of (I’ve seen maybe three episodes). It’s made me laugh every time I watch. Maybe this fall I’ll try again.

Extreme Makeover – Sorry folks, this and “The Swan” have pretty much made me give up on the concept of reality shows. ABC may as well air “Faces of Death” once a week as far as I’m concerned. Watching people with low to no self esteem go through needless, unnecessary and risky surgery for our entertainment is foolish and disgusting. Surprisingly, I feel the same way about the “Home Edition” of this show (and I generally like home remodel shows…maybe it’s just the connection to the title here).

America’s Funniest Home Videos – Tom Bergeron is a funny guy. He probably deserves better than this show which still remains mostly watching animals fall, babies fall and men getting hit in the crotch. How many years of that stuff can we take??

The Wonderful World of Disney – Not sure what this really is anymore. It ain’t wonderful and it’s no longer Disney’s. But it is back yet again.

NEXT SEASON’S LINE UP
When two shows are listed for one time slot it means the second show is currently scheduled to take over at mid-season or after a complete uninterrupted run of the first show.

Mondays until January
8pm The Benefactor
9pm Monday Night Football

Mondays starting in January
8pm Monday Night Movie
10pm Gray’s Anatomy

Tuesdays
8pm My Wife and Kids
8:30 George Lopez
9pm According to Jim
9:30 Rodney
10pm NYPD Blue/Blind Justice

Wednesdays
8pm Lost
9pm The Bachelor
10pm Wife Swap

Thursdays
8pm Extreme Makeover
9pm Life As We Know It
10pm Primetime Live

Fridays
8pm Eight Simple Rules
8:30 Savages
9pm Hope and Faith
9:30 Less Than Perfect
10pm 20/20

Saturdays
8pm Wonderful World of Disney

Sundays
7pm America’s Funniest Home Videos
8pm Extreme Makeover: Home Edition
9pm Desperate Housewives/Alias
10pm The Practice: Fleet Street

NEW SHOWS

The Benefactor – Wasn’t this an episode of “The Simpsons” where Grandpa had to figure out what to do with money he was left by a dead friend? Here, we’ve replaced Grandpa Simpson with a millionaire. But he still has to decide which of the applicants most deserves his money. This is another entry in the long line of “Reality” shows. Yawn.

Rodney – It’s a male version of “Roseanne” with a stand up comic named Rodney Carrington. I have no idea who he is and couldn’t care less.

Lost – J.J. Abrams, creator of “Alias” and “Felicity” brings us what sounds like the most interesting new show on any network in years. Its “Castaway” meets “Survivor” as 48 people try to stay alive on an island after a deadly plane crash. The cast includes Terry O’Quinn, Dominic Monoghan and Daniel Dae Kim among others.

Wife Swap – Apparently this “reality” show is a hit in the U.K. where stuff like this goes on in the open. What? You mean it’s not quite as dirty as it sounds? You mean there’s no sex? It’s just cleaning and shopping that the wives do for other families? How boring. What’s the point?

Life As We Know It – This hour long drama is about three teenage boys growing up and facing the world. It sounds like it’s on the wrong network, but there was no room on The WB. However, it is from some of the team behind “Freaks & Geeks” so there might be something here.

Savages – Keith Carradine stars as Mel Gibson. No kidding. It’s based on Gibson’s experiences raising a brood of boys. Look for lots Holocaust denial, anti-Semitism and religious preaching to pass as humor. As the lyrics to “The Flintstones” go “you’ll have a gay old time”. Oh…wait…no you won’t…I forgot Gibson’s a homophobe too. So look for gay stereotypes abound. Gibson’s trying to put the G-d back in TGIF on ABC. Okay…I joke…but it sounds about as interesting as having a colonoscopy. And Keith Carradine’s a better actor than this. He was the best thing on “Deadwood” until they killed him off (they had to…Wild Bill got shot in the town of Deadwood in real life).

Desperate Housewives – This prime time soap opera gives us all the juicy bits from the point of view of a deceased suburban housewife (played by “Twin Peaks” Sheryl Lee). It actually sounds interesting. Also stars Marcia Cross, Felicity Huffman and Teri Hatcher.

The Practice: Fleet Street – Ummm…it’s the spin-off we pretty much saw in the last half of “The Practice” starring James Spader, William Shatner, Rhona Mitra and Lake Bell. With any luck Rebecca DeMornay will appear every so often as the slinky, sexual and despicable Hannah. I’d also like to see law firm of Crane, Poole & Schmidt subsume the newly formed Berlutti and Pescatore as the “cast” of that “show” would be just as much fun.

MID-SEASON REPLACEMENTS
Gray’s Anatomy – Patrick Dempsey and Katherine Heigl star in this hour long medical drama. It’s “Scrubs” with twice the length and half the laughs.

Eyes – Tim Daly heads up a Private Investigation firm. What’s the twist to this oft used scenario? It stars Tim Daly. Hey…he’s likeable enough I’ll give it a shot.

Blind Justice – Ron Eldard stars as a cop blinded in the line of duty who continues working on the job no one wants him on. Kind of like series creator Steven Bochco.

Well, that’s it for ABCDisney (hey…they should change the name). Next up is The WB and FOX.

Until then…be seeing you.

Spleenless Joel